When Children Abandon Their Parents - Sensitive

Warrigal

Warrigal

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Sydney, Australia
This seems to be a growing problem. I have known several women who have become estranged from their daughters and it is a source of deep sadness.

This article set me to thinking about this modern phenomenon. Or is it so modern? Has this been something that has always happened to some parents? For example, migration to the other side of the world is a form of separation but not necessarily abandonment. Is moving to the other side of the continent part of the problem. It isn't always the children who move away. Quite often it is the parents.

What do you think, but try not to be judgmental because we haven't all walked in these moccassins.

When children abandon their parents

Posted By Kate Chaundy | Dec 01, 2013

“I haven’t heard from your brother in months… again,” sighed my mother.
“I have been trying to find out if he will be coming over on Christmas day but he just ignores my calls as usual”.
“Have you heard from him? Is he okay? I just don’t know what I have done?” she asks.

This is a regular occurrence for mum. Luckily she has two other children my younger brother and I who do stay in contact regularly and will be coming home for Christmas. But I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when she speaks about her always absent first-born son.



There are so many similar stories of this epidemic… Children who abandon their parents in later life…

Judy is a 67-year-old widower with three children, five grandchildren but hasn’t seen any of them for years.
“I gave birth to three children, but now they are strangers to me. I breaks my heart and I miss them terribly.”
“I have racked my mind to try to work out what I have done that could have justified the abandonment. I am at a loss to what I’ve done or said.”

Judy has now given up trying to contact her children but sill diligently sends presents each year to the grandchildren on their birthday.

Recently a newspaper columnist wrote about a mother’s isolation from her adult children. There was an overwhelming response across Australia from older parents. They said that they were both bewildered and saddened by the strained relations with their adult children who they brought up as best they could.

So what is the reason for this epidemic? Does it stem from a specific incident, an argument, a criticism taken the wrong way, the disapproval of a new partner, or perhaps it can be from some unresolved tensions from earlier years?
Or perhaps expectations of parenting have expanded dramatically. Today we see images of perfect families in advertising and these could lead to envy and deprivation if childhood memories do not live up to these ideals. Perhaps the new generation has become too self involved…

Jane who grew up in the 60s jokes “we were grateful if our parents fed, sheltered us and sent us to school, our kids got everything and yet they still want more”.

One father of three children tells of how he and his wife have been cut off and ignored by their eldest son who is now a highly successful businessman. On mother’s day he refused to visit, “We received an hour-long rant on all the things we’d done wrong as parents, including once driving away from him when he was naughty. We did this to all of our children at one stage or another and was quite effective. It taught them a lesson and made them behave better. They turned out ok and we were just trying to do the best we could as parents at the time”.

Some mothers think that childcare might have impacted early bonding. According to my mum “I put him in daycare when he was two and I think he resented that. I will never forget the image of looking out of the train window an seeing my son grasping at the fence of the childcare centre watching my train pull away, it broke my heart”.

Perhaps it has to do with today’s society, which is busier than ever before, and the shifting dynamic of the family unit. Families are now no longer based on biological connections and we now have more mixed and blended families, gay parenting and friendship groups that converge to become todays family unit.

The tradition of going home for a Sunday roast and other rituals seems to be dissipating in this time of loosening family bonds.

Maybe it has to do with the way we handle conflict? How many criticisms and arguments are held in family units with so many things unresolved, left to stew with resentment over the years.

I have an aunt who had the responsibility of looking after my late grandmothers incredibly rare and sentimental jewellery including all of my grandfathers war medals. One night, her second level, inner city unit was broken into and all the items were stolen. Her daughter (my cousin) who had continually been asking her mother to buy a safe to put the items in, or let somebody else look after them with a more secure home was livid and a massive argument followed. The argument questioned her parenting and brought up years of unresolved conflict. Today their relationship is incredibly strained and my aunt rarely gets to see her grandchildren.

For whatever reason this lack of interest from some children in reaching out to their parents is having a real impact. Some mothers feel a lack of identity when abandoned by their children. Motherhood was such a large part of their lives and when it is gone there is a big hole.

Ruby who has also had also been abandoned by her daughter has decided to give up contacting her children and grandchildren. “I just started to feel like a stalker and have now decided to get on with my life. Of course it still hurts, but I keep myself busy. I have joined a quilt club and practice yoga and dancing,” she said.

Ruby recalls with angst her own mother who she left in England to migrate to Australia.
“I used to receive letters from her all the time, letting me know how much she missed me and how sad she was not seeing the children grow up. I now know how she feels”.

“Sometimes that is just the way life turns out and we just have to make the most of what we have,” she said.

http://www.startsatsixty.com.au/blogs/kate-chaundy/when-children-abandon-their-parents
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Even if the children move far away, they could and should always keep contact with their parents. When my mother lived on her own, and started to deteriorating health due to aging, diabetes, etc., my sister insisted on moving her to another state, so she could live with her husband and daughter. My mother didn't want to be a burden on her family, and she also wanted to remain independent. Since that wasn't an option in her case, my sister insisted, and my mother spend her remaining years being cared for in my sister's home. That's the way it should be.

When my husbands parent's fell ill, we moved both of them in with us. Before that we kept in constant contact, and saw them frequently to help with shopping, chores, repairs and doctor visits. I don't think this is a new thing, I believe a lot of older parents are left alone and neglected by their children, they must feel very sad about that situation to be sure. Many of them sacrifice so much for their children, only to be tossed aside when they need them most. :(
 
Is this really anything new? How far back would you like to go? History is full of infanticides and fratricides deadly family feuds etc and bad blood between siblings over parent's favouritism started with Kane 'n Abel. Then there's the Prodigal Son yarn, that was all a good while ago now.

I can remember old men and women who used to talk all the time about their children whom they hadn't seen or heard from for decades when I was just a kid. I didn't think much of it until I heard some of their stories being discussed among my own family and then the sadness of it hit me. For one old girl it was perfectly understandable as even her neighbours wouldn't speak to her, but of the others there didn't seem to be anything different about them that would chase kids away. Some of course had moved overseas, but still, a letter wouldn't have killed them to write.

I still keep meeting, women mainly, in that position, and it's always a similar story of not knowing why. That is what haunts them.
Sometimes it's obvious that the 'child's' husband or wife has caused the rift, usually disguised to the older person but open to others who see it happening.

A close friend cried often that while her son came by to visit whenever he could it was obvious that he was sneaking the visit in unbenownst to his wife. She flatly refused to have anything to do with our friends and they never saw their grandchildren.
They were the nicest couple, their daughter still lived near them as she didn't want to lose contact, their son too loved them but there was no answer as to what was going on in the DIL's head and he was too frightened to over rule her openly as she would have kept the kids from him too. No fights with his parents, nothing to explain it at all. After the wedding she just told them she wouldn't be visiting their home again and would appreciate them not visiting hers and stalked off with no explanation. I do hope her kids abandon her.

Then there's the case of the Mother from Hell who was owed nothing from her kids for the rotten lives she'd handed them. The hidings, the locking them in the car in the dark street while she dallied with a boyfriend when their father was at work, the burning of their favourite toys as punishment, and shooting the dog in front of them because it answered her son's call and not hers. The other general all round lack of any semblance of what is expected of mothers gave her no call on their mercies at all.

Yet when she got cancer one took her in to his and his wife's home, ran her around for appointments, fed and nursed her. The other sorted all her paperwork out and paid off all her debts for money she'd borrowed to feed through the poker machines and paid for specialist medical attention and paid for the funeral as she requested it. One child had the money and the other had the time and they both treated her way better than she deserved. Neither loved her, they both detested her, but she was their mother and they did what their consciences demanded kids do for parents. I wouldn't have been so kind I'm afraid.

What makes those kind of kids tick? It's still as big a mystery to me as to what makes the abandoners tick. Just dunno.
 

After the wedding she just told them she wouldn't be visiting their home again and would appreciate them not visiting hers and stalked off with no explanation. I do hope her kids abandon her.
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I find this interesting. Seeing your parents look after their parents and in turn your children seeing you care for yours is the kind of modelling that probably means that your children will follow suit. Of course there are no guarantees.

When families are fractured by distance the children may not be so aware that their parents are still in contact with, and caring for their grandparents. My son is in Albury, not that far away really (6-8 hours driving) but I probably only see him every two years. We do talk on the telephone quite often. However, his two sons are with their mother in the mountains west of Sydney and we are not that close anymore. No animosity, but she has moved on after remarrying and then burying her second husband. How close will the boys be to either of their parents later? I don't know but if their wives are part of a close-knit family group, then my son and ex DIL might get a lot less attention, especially if they move interstate.
 
No life doesn't come with guarantees. It started me wondering what kind of relationship that DIL had with her own parents. I never heard anything about that, probably neither did our friends.

Started me thinking about a friend I knew in Singleton, she was into her 80s and getting rickety. Her daughter was a care worker in the 'other' aged hostel, not sure if she was a nurse or just carer staff though.

She would call in on her mother at least a few times a week. Chat with her on the phone etc but she never actually ever did anything for her. Her mother's friends between us would cart her around to appointments and take her washing home when she was sick, which got more often as the years went by, and shop or tidy the house for her.

The old dear would mention that her daughter had been to see her that morning, but that was all she did. Never even washed the coffee cups. She seemed to think it was enough to see her mother and talk to her, but went home and left her to fend for herself. I was often glad she didn't work in the hostel Mum was in, I hate to think how much care she must have lavished on her patients.

I was told there was a townwaking barney put on after I left down there when the remainder of our group ganged up on the daughter and gave her a detailed account of her shortcomings. Sorry I missed that.:devilish: It's all blown over now but guess what? The mother took the daughter's side.

Is it any wonder that I prefer being up here on my own and out of the looney bin that the rest of us seem to live in?

'Familial duty' loomed fairly large through Mum's family although there are a few that shirked their responsibilities, there was always a sibling to take the load though. Dad's family were more 'make your own arrangements and devil take the hindmost' though. They never did more for each other than they had to and then under protest. Maybe it is an attitude handed down through nurture but then that doesn't account for 'black sheep' does it?

Still dunno.
 
I made friends with an old dear while my mother was still alive. She was legally blind but lived in her own small house with her little yap dog (no, that's not a spelling mistake). A member of our congregation asked if we could get her out of the house so I began picking her up for the fortnightly Coffee and Chat session, along with my mum who was getting quite demented.

The pair of them sat together and chatted away and even though Mum was off with the pixies quite a lot, Norma was very patient and seemed to enjoy her company. She was quite the extrovert and loved company.

Then she disappeared and her house was sold. We didn't know where she moved to but it turned out that her daughter and son in law combined the proceeds of the sale with their own capital to build a new two storey house not too far away. She made contact again after a while and by this time Mum was gone so I was happy to fetch Norma and take her to socials, dinners with the ladies and to church on Sundays. She was not happy at the new house because her daughter and SIL were very controlling but did little for her. The daughter, who did not work, spent about three days a week on the golf course and she refused to take the old woman to her medical appointments because "I didn't leave work to drive you everywhere". Luckily Norma had a Gold Card and was able to access a helper to drive her and stay with her but it hurt her a lot.

I don't know what became of Norma because one day when I called to take her to a social, the daughter met me at the door and announced that she wouldn't be coming out with us any more. The next day Norma phoned and said the same thing but I felt that she was under some duress. We haven't heard from her since.

If Norma is still alive I reckon she is now in a nursing home and rather lonely, and her daughter has a nice big house to live in. Abandonment can happen even when you are living in the same house. It still hurts.
 
Certainly a part of the problem is our advanced technology.

Whether it be the proliferation of electronic communications or the ease of leaving the family "compound" and moving hours away we are experts at achieving our freedom, in the process often forgetting that isolation can be just one of the drawbacks of that freedom.

I think also that it is the focus upon children as something other than children - as being little adults - has harmed familial ties irreparably. We didn't allow them a childhood; rather, we enrolled them in advanced-placement kindergarten, gave them computers before their first Dr. Seuss book and bragged to our peers when precocious little Johnny was cussing at the dog when he was just 5 years old.

Johnny, that is - the dog was 12 at the time, old enough to take a bit of verbal abuse.

Finally, I believe the "Me First" mindset that has been foisted upon us by the media has taken a firm grip on younger minds, giving them - in their minds, anyway - not only the option but the right to ignore everyone but their own fine selves.
 
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Finally, I believe the "Me First" mindset that has been foisted upon us by the media has taken a firm grip on younger minds, giving them - in their minds, anyway - not only the option but the right to ignore everyone but their own fine selves.[/QUOTE]
Actions without consequences again.

I have been thinking about this; I think it can be quite easy when bringing up one's own family to start to ignore one's elders.
everybody is so busy; living a long way away; working; etc,
i found though, that as the kids grew up, I was more interested and thoughtful towards Mum and Dad, and the older generation of the extended family. Perhaps that is why I am so interested in family history too.
now my children visit my parents, and want to go..which is great.

I do find it difficult to understand why people completely ignore their parents; most of them did try hard after all.
Even if, for any reason, you detest them, surely you should give your own children a chance to make their own minds up?
 
Technology doesn't account for the long history of it being done Phil. It's 60 years since I was a 'kid' and it happened then too.

Our culture isn't as ancestor focused as some and perhaps when it's not considered quite as mandatory as in other cultures then those who feel less obligated have the freedom to drift off with little or no social ramifications to give them pause. The pension etc seems to have replaced the necessity of offspring's support in old age too. Those countries with less welfare but not at famine level seem more likely to encompass the oldies into the extended family unit.

I guess it beats the old ways of some cultures which entailed being thrown out into the snow so there's more food to go around the grandkids when times are tough.

Abandonment is more hurtful than harmful in our society now.
 
Diwundrin said:
Technology doesn't account for the long history of it being done Phil. It's 60 years since I was a 'kid' and it happened then too.
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... and automobiles weren't around in 1954? Televisions? Airplanes?

Our culture isn't as ancestor focused as some and perhaps when it's not considered quite as mandatory as in other cultures then those who feel less obligated have the freedom to drift off with little or no social ramifications to give them pause. The pension etc seems to have replaced the necessity of offspring's support in old age too. Those countries with less welfare but not at famine level seem more likely to encompass the oldies into the extended family unit.
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China is one of those countries where the elderly used to be considered demi-gods. It was unheard of to shoo them out to fend for themselves - you would have been an outcast not only from your own family but from the entire town.

Less welfare? Certainly the case in China, which would explain the practice.

Yet, there has been a recent trend developing there where elders are being placed into homes, because the children are too busy with their ultra-urban lifestyles and Westernized ways to bother taking care of Mom and Dad. If you were to graph this activity you might see that it keeps pace with the influx of modern tech.

I guess it beats the old ways of some cultures which entailed being thrown out into the snow so there's more food to go around the grandkids when times are tough.
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But that certainly helped deal with the overpopulation problems ...

Abandonment is more hurtful than harmful in our society now.
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You think so? I think if I were on the receiving end of that sort of treatment it would be equally both.
 
Finally, I believe the "Me First" mindset that has been foisted upon us by the media has taken a firm grip on younger minds, giving them - in their minds, anyway - not only the option but the right to ignore everyone but their own fine selves
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That is soo right in many cases. I experienced it myself for years, through the one sidedness of everything my family went their own way for years, I never saw or heard from them. These days things have improved, (thank goodness for some maturity,) but too many times there is still that me,me me. Consequently the grand kids believe the same.
 
Whilst my siblings and myself ensured our late mother wanted for nothing, and had the best of care homes, we didn't get on with her and had a feeling of relief when she died a year ago.
 
I am relieved that my daughter and her children are no longer in my life. I no longer have to walk on egg shells worrying that something I say be taken the wrong way. I would not want this daughter to take care of me if I become unable to take care of myself. I think I would be abused. I don't really know what I did that was so wrong, but I don't really care anymore. I don't have the time or the energy to worry about it. I'm fine with who I am and have no need for the drama. I am happy that we both can have a sense of relief now and not have to wait until I die. Sometimes I think our culture puts to much pressure on us to like our children/parents. I don't like my daughter and she doesn't like me. It's okay. We are better off to acknowledge it and get on with our lives with those with which we have positive relationships.

 
I loved my parents in law, but after FiL died, MiL, seemed to think that we should abandon our lives, jobs, the childens' education and friends to look after her. We said "no", she could come to us, but nobody should ask us to sacrifice everything we had worked for. As it happened, she stayed in her own home, and we kept in touch and visited as often as we could.

What do you do if the choice is between your parents and your own family? To my mind your duty is to your family. It is not abandoning your parents - it is looking after their grandchildren.
 
I have been estranged from my parents more often than not. They are both mentally ill, to some degree. Or were. My mother passed from dementia in February, 2011. When she visits in my dreams, she is her 'sane' self.

The subject of children abandoning their parents isn't as clear as all that. If they had a good relationship all along, that's one thing. If the parent got marginalized to nothing, then no, really; that's not okay.

A few years back, I woke up on my daughter's couch, after spending the night crying, and asked her (on Mother's Day, no less) why. "Why do I never see my grandbabies. I was at their birth, and now when I say I can hear her, can I talk to her, you say no? Why!?! It HURTS!!" **Do not ask me why I wait until things are unbearable before I react. I have no idea**

That was a major wake-up call for my daughter, I am happy to say. She could have just said "You know what, thanks for the memories, but I have enough on my plate."

Capt Lightning, I am glad you said no. Maybe she was speaking out of grief, or maybe she is incredibly selfish but it is good that you did not do as asked.
 
I abandoned my mother when I was 17, after my father died. She didn't care. Nor did I. I had good reason to. She was insane, evil, cruel and an abuser. She died a few years ago. Big whoop.
 
I would be devastated if my daughter abandoned me. She does have an incredibly busy life - and I am grateful for Facebook and other social sites that keep us in closer contact than if we didn't have any of them.
 
Being single, with no children and both parents dead, I would love to have children or grandchildren to share my life with. I'm content living alone and happy but I would like a family to be part of my life. I feel very sorry for any family that is torn apart for whatever reason.
 
CPA-Kim said:
Being single, with no children and both parents dead, I would love to have children or grandchildren to share my life with. I'm content living alone and happy but I would like a family to be part of my life. I feel very sorry for any family that is torn apart for whatever reason.
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I bet there are families that could use a 'foster grandma' to fill empty shoes. :( I think our society needs to do a better job of connecting people. Even just one generation removed. I miss my mom. Not as much as my sister does, [bad memories inserted here] but I do miss her. I gravitate towards 'women of a certain age' because that's how old my mom would be now. And oh look, I am crying. Bleep.

But anyway. You seem like a lovely woman, Kim and I can understand that sense of "It's just me, now" that you are dealing with.
 
My best friend never married, she's 60 now. Never had children. She does have two siblings, but they are male and oh what can I say. ;) Anyway, she and I (and several other friends as well) are happy on the singles bench. I will say though, she has a godson who is pretty much her "Son from another mother" because they are SO much alike.
 
I guess to me it no longer matters why or if there is a certain trend in the past or always will be. To me all I can think of or think matters is how awful it feels to be completely alone at times when a loving interested caring simple phone call would make the difference between wanting to or caring to carve out a life for ones self. I am not talking thinking about ending ones life but just not caring anymore if your life continues. As I've aged I'm not in perfect health but I've worked hard to be healthy enough to be independent yet I'm not well enough to be hugely active so this limits my capabilities and financially I'm not able to supplement a fixed income. All this is restricting in abilities to get involved in many things but nevertheless to just be tossed aside...never contacted...not cared about when sick or in distress or even under threat makes one wonder why keep trying. I realize one should have a healthy self love but to never be hugged...touched..spoke to...sat with...How does one fund reason to keep fighting. If your own children don't show when you face life and death or life threatening situations....why bother? I'm m sorry . I'm writing this for the same reason I sought this site out...I'm at the end of my rope today. To judge if a person deserves to have caring by their performance in life is cold and cruel. I would not treat a stranger who asked for help in horrible circumstances that would only take a bit of time by ignoring it the way it's been these last year's. Its a big world and I feel as important as an ant one sees scurry on the sidewalk right now. We're it not knowing I am important with some purpose for being here as God's child idk if I could hang on anymore and it doesn't matter to a soul. Not one person that would even come in an emergency. How does one find purpose in that?
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Thank you. I did look it up and in doing so saw a site for the children who have estranged and inadvertently scanned a few threads because I did not understand the anagrams nor did I bother to further research. It was fairly evident that they were children who have estranged their parents and seeking support. What has this world come to that things like this even go on. I couldn't stand reading it. I felt like any one of those could have come from my children. I hate the level of bitterness and cruelty in this world between people who are connected as so called family. I'll search another time when I'm not so sensitive. Thank you for the suggestion. They even had something there that do not give out our link (yet that specific instruction was the link I found right under the one for Estranged Stories) to ES......estranged stories....... or it could be a disaster. This sounds like some cruel war. Again thanks for the referral to the group estranged stories.
 
It's also for parents with estranged children and grandchildren as well.

I don't share this with too many sites. My oldest daughter? I was separated from her Dad when she was fourteen. Always an impulsive kid. She didn't want to move with me. Her boyfriend...and the pregnancy I found out about later. Okay, fine go back with your Dad. Not only did she manipulate her sister long distance...she wouldn't listen to Dad either. My husband really was there for her and still she refused any discipline. He set her to his brother in VA. Sociopath, drunk and ex-junkie...perfect guardian and I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight it.

At the time they could go before a judge and say I was dead or out of contact. His brother became her legal frickin' guardian. Then she turned on her Dad and me together...Stockholm Syndrome much? Her sister was an honor student. How do you tell a judge you want to block visitation because her sister is the kind of influence you want to protect her from? You can't...and everyone loses in the end. I know some parents are truly evil...but sometimes it's not on us. We did what we could with what we knew at the time. I realize her and her sister are out of my life. Little ******* will probably be crying loudest at the funeral and did Mami leave anything of value?
 

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