When Children Abandon Their Parents - Sensitive

Shalimar said:
Thanks Cookie. I agree wholeheartedly. I have done my best to stand accountable/apologise, it just never seemed to be enough, and it is one sided.
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There are some people in a family that you will never be able to please. Sometimes they're open about their disdain, sometimes it's more subtle........'family' doesn't always mean 'friend'. I'm sure sorry too that that's part of your life Shalimar. I think your therapist friend is exactly right when he says that there isn't a perfect mother anywhere so the person who expects one is expecting the impossible.

Actually I think most mothers do the best they can. We each have strengths and limitations and that's just the way it is. Problem is when those grown kids like in your situation, are still not wise enough to understand that or even to see his own 'limitations' that make him the kind of person that his own mother is willing to leave out of her life, everyone involved winds up unhappy. So sad for both of you, but from a purely 'happiness' perspective, probably the best thing to do.

 

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Debby said:
There are some people in a family that you will never be able to please. Sometimes they're open about their disdain, sometimes it's more subtle........'family' doesn't always mean 'friend'. I'm sure sorry too that that's part of your life Shalimar. I think your therapist friend is exactly right when he says that there isn't a perfect mother anywhere so the person who expects one is expecting the impossible.

Actually I think most mothers do the best they can. We each have strengths and limitations and that's just the way it is. Problem is when those grown kids like in your situation, are still not wise enough to understand that or even to see his own 'limitations' that make him the kind of person that his own mother is will to leave out of her life, everyone involved winds up unhappy. So sad for both of you, but from a purely 'happiness' perspective, probably the best thing to do.
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Thanks Debby, I think you are right.
 
Butterfly said:
Shali, I'm sorry you are going through such a heartbreaking thing. I'm sending kind and healing thoughts to you!
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Thanks, Butterfly. It would be so much easier to bear if I truly understood the cause. I feel as if he stole my last unicorn, the one bright innocent thing of my life. I thought I had done the work necessary in order to build a solid relationship for the future. Ooh, it is hard to let go of that.
 

Shalimar, never give up hope that things will work out, maybe not right now, but someday, as long as he knows you will always love him, no matter what. Meanwhile keep being the good person that you are. :love_heart:
 
Cookie said:
Shalimar, never give up hope that things will work out, maybe not right now, but someday, as long as he knows you will always love him, no matter what. Meanwhile keep being the good person that you are. :love_heart:
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Awww. Thanks Cookie. I feel guilty for shutting him out, but I was going to lose it if I didn't. Sigh. I hope things are resolved sometime in the future. :love_heart:
 
Cookie said:
Shalimar, never give up hope that things will work out, maybe not right now, but someday, as long as he knows you will always love him, no matter what. Meanwhile keep being the good person that you are. :love_heart:
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I agree. Relationships change over time. The good news is they can change back in the other direction too. Sons and daughters mature as they go through their own life experiences and your son may see things differently in a year or two. You just do the best you can and realize that there are things you just can't control.
 
BlondieBoomer said:
I agree. Relationships change over time. The good news is they can change back in the other direction too. Sons and daughters mature as they go through their own life experiences and your son may see things differently in a year or two. You just do the best you can and realize that there are things you just can't control.
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Thanks Blondie. Time to embrace the Tao, I guess. :)
 
Shalimar said:
Thanks, Butterfly. It would be so much easier to bear if I truly understood the cause. I feel as if he stole my last unicorn, the one bright innocent thing of my life. I thought I had done the work necessary in order to build a solid relationship for the future. Ooh, it is hard to let go of that.
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Chalk it up to 'bad wiring' on his part. Not your fault, you put in the time and the work, but you were dealing with a little gizmo that had a 'spark plug' that wasn't quite right or a weak transistor or something. Or it's like when you order a piece of furniture that you have to put together but it's missing one bolt or bracket. Doesn't stop you from putting the thing together, but it's got a wobble forever after that makes you nervous every time you sit down.
 
I can relate to your story

Sassycakes said:
Truthfully I believe it had something to do with his wife. When they got married she broke all ties with her family and didn't talk to them for many years. After they didn't need my parents help anymore,I believe little by little she turned him against our family. She always picked on my sister and hated my sisters husband. The only time she would be nice to me was when she needed someone to do things for her children. Her favorite phrase was "Go ask Auntie,she'll do it for you". Her oldest child was only 8 yrs younger than I was and he sent me letters all the time after she stopped contact with us. He still calls me a lot and was heartbroken when my parents passed away.
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I apologise for not picking up on your post and story earlier but I can relate to it very much, especially the line "I believe little by little she turned him against our family."


I think that happens in more cases than anyone is prepared to admit, and is obviously reprehensible behaviour :mad:
 
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fureverywhere said:
It's also for parents with estranged children and grandchildren as well.

I don't share this with too many sites. My oldest daughter? I was separated from her Dad when she was fourteen. Always an impulsive kid. She didn't want to move with me. Her boyfriend...and the pregnancy I found out about later. Okay, fine go back with your Dad. Not only did she manipulate her sister long distance...she wouldn't listen to Dad either. My husband really was there for her and still she refused any discipline. He set her to his brother in VA. Sociopath, drunk and ex-junkie...perfect guardian and I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight it.

At the time they could go before a judge and say I was dead or out of contact. His brother became her legal frickin' guardian. Then she turned on her Dad and me together...Stockholm Syndrome much? Her sister was an honor student. How do you tell a judge you want to block visitation because her sister is the kind of influence you want to protect her from? You can't...and everyone loses in the end. I know some parents are truly evil...but sometimes it's not on us. We did what we could with what we knew at the time. I realize her and her sister are out of my life. Little ******* will probably be crying loudest at the funeral and did Mami leave anything of value?
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This stuck in my head from way back when it was posted in March last year and was on my mind all day yesterday. It makes me want to cry. RIP, Leslie.
 
I recently heard a story from someone in which the grandchild got his own mother written out of her dad's will. If the children don't abandon you they will try to manipulate you especially if they see not even weakness but a softy shall we say. At a certain point I think children in particular don't give a hoot especially if life isn't turning out the way they wanted, not what they need but what they want.
 
WhatInThe said:
I recently heard a story from someone in which the grandchild got his own mother written out of her dad's will. If the children don't abandon you they will try to manipulate you especially if they see not even weakness but a softy shall we say. At a certain point I think children in particular don't give a hoot especially if life isn't turning out the way they wanted, not what they need but what they want.
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I suspect the interaction between parents, children and grandparents depends on many things; first their DNA (i.e. their predetermined basic personalities), then the kind of parenting done by each generation (which can determine alterations in basic personalitie's direction) and add to that the culture in which each generation is raised. Most of us try our best with our children, but there are parents out there who should have been born permanently sterile and they contaminate future generations in that family.
 
I found the opposite to be true of many of our acquaintances. They glibly announced, after taking an early retirement, that they were off for Florida or Arizona, or some other happy spot for old people. Most of them had young children, some of them married with kids, but they felt no compulsion about leaving, whether the kids were struggling or not. Very proud to announce that they had raised them and now were washing their hands of the whole process - - -it was time for them to enjoy life. We were even chided at times for being concerned about our kids, when they hit a bump or two in the road. So be it - - - everyone to their own choice.

Now, 20 or so years later, some of these same folks are whining about their children not showing proper concerns for their parents problems. Health problems, disabilities, death of a husband or wife, and are appalled when the kids don't drop everything and run to their aid. Family life is a two way street and if you choose to take another street, you do so knowing that it may not lead back to the place where you started.

As I said - - -the choice is ours, but once we make it, we have to live with that choice. Once made, our family has become the group of old people who we live among and we are no longer a "hands on" member of our real family. JMHO
 
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I did not have a good relationship with my mother or father and rarely saw them. Many reasons for this but basically there was no love between us although I have younger siblings who did not feel this way. My wife and her mother do not get on. Her mother is 90 and my wife arranges for meals to be delivered, carers to come in etc and does visit three times a year. However it is done out of duty , not out of love. We have a close relationship with our children but they are scattered around the world and we rarely see them or the grandchildren although we speak regularly. That is life. We brought them up to be independent and they have busy successful lives themselves. Will they look after us when we are old? No chance and we do not want them to. I have seen too many lives and relationships ruined by the sheer work involved in looking after older parents. We intend to move to another country shortly. Have we considered our children in this? No we are still in our sixties and have many years of life ahead of us and we will do what we want. Selfish perhaps but life is too short. At one point we uprooted our whole lives to look after our daughter who was seriously ill at the time and we have helped all of them with money etc. We would do it all again but we did not expect anything in return; we did it because we love them. You cannot ruin your children's lives or expect sacrifices from them just because you get old.
 
[I suspect the interaction between parents, children and grandparents depends on many things; first their DNA (i.e. their predetermined basic personalities), then the kind of parenting done by each generation (which can determine alterations in basic personalitie's direction) and add to that the culture in which each generation is raised. Most of us try our best with our children, but there are parents out there who should have been born permanently sterile and they contaminate future generations in that family.]

Good points Dragonlady and I find some of the points that Dave's friends made attractive too. Unfortunately for me, my own personal sense of guilt wouldn't let me get away with it and it would ruin the fun. I can also relate to some of the things Pat said.

Aren't we humans a total pain in the ***?
 
Never having had a mother since the age of 4 or 5, I am interested in why many of you have a non-relationship with your mother. When did your negative feelings begin - as a child (age?), a teen-ager or an adult. I had some problems relationship wise when my youngest daughter was a teen, but over the years it has improved. She will probably be the one administering end of life support; therefore I am doing everything I can to take care of myself. I'm doing my best to leave her with as little baggage as possible - up to and including funeral arrangements, and to stay as healthy as possible as long as possible.
 
[h=1][/h][FONT=&quot]" Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. "
Oscar Wilde[/FONT]
 
I learned this weekend, it's not only children abandoning their elderly parents. After hearing from my lovely aunt, by marriage, whom I've stayed in contact with, after she moved to an assisted living facility across the state, calling to tell me she's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I immediately contacted her great niece, but before I could finish telling her about Auntie's diagnosis she started yelling that she & her cousins are still angry at Auntie (the last living member of her father's family) for slighting their grandmother, years ago & they refuse to contact her now. The loving Aunt who attended family functions throughout the years & was always generous to them at Christmas, graduations , weddings & on their birthdays. As the old saying goes: May G-d Forgive her......because I can't.
 
That's really sad that other people decided to pick up someone else's 'fight' and embrace it even until the end. I've spent decades learning how to not hold grudges because they just aren't worth it and in my opinion, the grudge holder loses out as well. Not only do they deprive themselves of knowing that other person, but mention them and they go into 'fight' mode and suffer all the physical and psychological effects of being angry. I'm so glad that I can think of my own dad (and look forward to chatting with him on the other side:rolleyes:)without getting as angry as I did when I was in my mid twenty's and had just had my first baby(his first grandchild) despite him having walked out on us when I was a kid.
 
I am finding it very difficult to re-connect with my son after his tirade.

I was backed up into a corner of the kitchen, faced with a white faced raging male, who I was frightened was going to hit me.

Who then said I would never see or hear from him again in my lifetime.

I had accepted that. I never really expected to hear from him again.

He and I left it for 10 months. Then he phoned me - told me that he couldn't believe that I didn't come crawling back.

The hurts he hurled at me were just too much for me to take.

He told me that he was sick and tired of hearing about my volunteer job, my friends, my family and what I had done with them.

That's my life - I go out to do volunteer work - I have friends, or those with whom I have social interaction, and I have family, with whom he has had no contact.

Our three phone calls have been rather stilted, as you may imagine.

I don't mention my friends, I don't mention my volunteer job and and I certainly don't mention any member of my family.

I've sort of resorted to discussing the weather, or the weather where he lives. He's about 500 k away from where I live.

I'm rather lost at the moment. I don't really know where to go.
 
Oh Dear, Granny, that sounds really awful.

Is there some contributing factor to this behaviour? Alcohol? Some kind of mental illness like bipolar?

As to where to go, I'd make sure that whatever you do or say, make sure that you stay safe.
Who can you talk to about this for some informed advice?
 
Granny, how terrible. Of course, I can't diagnose someone I have never met, but that behaviour was not normal. His "excuses" for his behaviour, his resentment you didn't come crawling back, not normal either. That level of rage is very scary. No remorse, putting it all on you? Whew my psychologist buttons go off big time. Please be very wary of this individual.
 
Unfortunately, it's not only me he has done this to. He raged at his wife's twin sister when she was visiting, and she was frightened of him too - she left and has never gone back to visit her sister.

He has caused a big rift in the relationship between his wife and her parents.

I spoke with his mother-in-law a couple of weeks ago, and they have had no contact for over 15 months now with their daughter/his wife. Something they did or said upset him.

He doesn't drink, he doesn't use drugs.

I do believe he does display some characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is always right, anyone who doesn't agree with him is dumb. He is better than anyone else at whatever he does - in fact he is better than his bosses and can't understand how they hold their job down - he would be better at it than they. He has no friends because he puts people down by pointing out to them how wrong/ignorant they are if they don't agree with him.

He has the memory of an elephant. He'll bring up about something that happened 30 or more years ago to try to prove a point.

He is financially secure - he does have a very well paying job and he owns his own home.

It is just that he has such a nasty sort of personality.
 

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