When Children Abandon Their Parents - Sensitive

Whew grannyjo, he sounds very difficult indeed. I feel for all of you. I can't imagine his wife is very happy being cut off from members of her family.
 

Sounds to me like this is someone to be very careful of, I cannot advise you bu t if it were me I think I would be seriously considering letting well alone. I would be worried as I got older how would he be if in my life. Family is family of course but now and again there are some folks who need a wide berth.

Take care of you Granny
XX Jeannine
 
My guess is there are more of these types than we think

grannyjo said:
Unfortunately, it's not only me he has done this to. He raged at his wife's twin sister when she was visiting, and she was frightened of him too - she left and has never gone back to visit her sister.

He has caused a big rift in the relationship between his wife and her parents.

I spoke with his mother-in-law a couple of weeks ago, and they have had no contact for over 15 months now with their daughter/his wife. Something they did or said upset him.

He doesn't drink, he doesn't use drugs.

I do believe he does display some characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is always right, anyone who doesn't agree with him is dumb. He is better than anyone else at whatever he does - in fact he is better than his bosses and can't understand how they hold their job down - he would be better at it than they. He has no friends because he puts people down by pointing out to them how wrong/ignorant they are if they don't agree with him.

He has the memory of an elephant. He'll bring up about something that happened 30 or more years ago to try to prove a point.

He is financially secure - he does have a very well paying job and he owns his own home.

It is just that he has such a nasty sort of personality.
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My guess would be that there are more of these types of men (and maybe women) than people appreciate.

I once met a very nice lady through a dance class, who relayed a particularly odd and perplexing story concerning her son, and though not quite the same as your situation is maybe worth mentioning here. Her son married a Lebanese Christian woman, and at the marriage ceremony would you believe the lady and her friends/rest of her/her son's side of the family present at the wedding, made a "faut pas" you could say. Instead of remaining wherever the bride was enjoying her wedding after the ceremony or the main room in the hotel, they went into another room, or to another bar in the hotel - I dont think it was an exodus you understand just an "exploration of the hotel" and certainly not intended to cause offence. However, the bride took this move as being totally unacceptable and from that day on she has kept her new husband's mother (this lady I'm talking about) and all the rest of his family from seeing him again. Hard to believe, and why the man doesn't put his foot down and defy her I dont know, but unless the culture in Lebanon gives some kind of explanation of the bride's behaviour (I dont know, maybe it would be widely seen as an horrific act to leave the room where the bride is?), it is a stark example of destructive and intolerant behaviour. I could call it "unchristian" behaviour but I doubt religion has anything to do with it, and more likely the "spoilt madam" this lady's son chose to marry is the simple reason behind it.
 

grannyjo said:
I am finding it very difficult to re-connect with my son after his tirade.

I was backed up into a corner of the kitchen, faced with a white faced raging male, who I was frightened was going to hit me.
Who then said I would never see or hear from him again in my lifetime.
..............
Our three phone calls have been rather stilted, as you may imagine.
I don't mention my friends, I don't mention my volunteer job and and I certainly don't mention any member of my family.
I've sort of resorted to discussing the weather, or the weather where he lives. He's about 500 k away from where I live.
I'm rather lost at the moment. I don't really know where to go.
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I'm so sorry for you that this is part of your life! How sad for you! Family can be wonderful and family can be terrible. I do feel bad for you:(! And as someone else here said, be careful of this person, he does sound very violent.

Due to a problem with someone else (a third party in the family) my mother once said the same thing to me and it left me in complete shock. I remember the wobbly knees and walking home and not even really being aware of the walk because I just was shocked so I understand how you feel.....and while we didn't speak for over a year, now we are again for a few years already but there were lots of conversations about weather too. I can totally relate!

It will get better if you give it enough time and if you want it to. You just have to be patient (but also be careful).
 
I try to avoid family disputes especially if I'm not directly involved. I know people who think they should get involved, say something, hold a grudge etc but the second one chooses a side that battle is on your family and/or friend friend resume forever. Some want that but some don't.

And I try telling people it takes to two to tango shall we say. More than likely one only gets part of the story. If you think in detail about the individuals involved even if you don't see or discover the cause it's still pretty easy to see a why a dispute, grudge or "war" can go on without end.
 
jujube said:
I'm not "estranged" from my daughter.....it's just that I don't seem to have any relevance in her life. If I want to see her, I have to call and ask her to go to lunch. Maybe she's too busy, maybe she can fit me in. She doesn't call me and say, "Mother, I haven't seen you for a while; let's meet for lunch."

If we're both in town, we'll have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.

There has never been any harsh words between us or any big blow-ups. As I said before, it's like I'm an aunt that you like but don't see any need to see much of.

A lot of it is her present husband; he's controlling and has done his best to split her from the family. He's done a pretty good job. He tried to keep my granddaughter away as much as possible but wasn't successful.

It is what it is. I doubt it will ever change.
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You hit the nail on the head.


Busy. Busy . Busy. Busy. Busy. In a child centered world.


it used to be "children should be seen and not heard"

Then it became more balanced.


Now the children's schedule rules their life. Sports practice during the week, and games on the weekend.
Saturday, morning, afternoon, and evening,'
And even Sunday, morning , afternoon, and evening.

the only friends I know who see their grandchildren are those who are willing to babysit all day (after they raised their own children) ,'at least a few days a week, or make the grand children's sports the center of their lives.

Remember when we were young? All of the stores were closed on Sunday. No sports games were scheduled on Sunday,
so Mom made an early Sunday dinner and we all got together to socialize.

I think sports are good in their place, but I'd like to smack the sports nut who got a whole generation of kids playing sports every day of the week, even on Sunday.
 
grannyjo said:
I am finding it very difficult to re-connect with my son after his tirade.

I was backed up into a corner of the kitchen, faced with a white faced raging male, who I was frightened was going to hit me.

Who then said I would never see or hear from him again in my lifetime.

I had accepted that. I never really expected to hear from him again.

He and I left it for 10 months. Then he phoned me - told me that he couldn't believe that I didn't come crawling back.

The hurts he hurled at me were just too much for me to take.

He told me that he was sick and tired of hearing about my volunteer job, my friends, my family and what I had done with them.

That's my life - I go out to do volunteer work - I have friends, or those with whom I have social interaction, and I have family, with whom he has had no contact.

Our three phone calls have been rather stilted, as you may imagine.

I don't mention my friends, I don't mention my volunteer job and and I certainly don't mention any member of my family.

I've sort of resorted to discussing the weather, or the weather where he lives. He's about 500 k away from where I live.

I'm rather lost at the moment. I don't really know where to go.
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I know what you mean.
My son has been unbelievably cruel to me, so I just let him go.
It also doesn't help being the poor Grandmother, while his in laws are stinking rich with a
big house where they can stay when they come to town. I have a very nice apartment now, but he doesn't even
think of coming here,



I don't call any of my children, because they never answer their phone.
If you text them , they might text you back in a few days, or not.

So I see them at group events like holidays and birthdays.

They are really hurting their children.
I was seeing one of my daughter's girls more frequently , but now that the oldest started
school, they are busier than ever.
And the little one really needs her grandmother ,. I am just about 20 minutes away.
I used to stay overnight and the first thing she said when she got up is
"Where's Grandma? Where's Grandma?"

They put her in nursery school 3 mornings in a row. She is having tantrums, kicking the teacher,
and was sent home 3 times.

i never had that problem when raising my kids. They got more attention.
 
Even now, I find it very it very difficult to talk to my son.

We have had a few phone calls, where I have been very circumspect. Never mentioned any of the usual things I thought we used to discuss.

The latest development is that he doesn't phone me, he sends a text message.

I think he has found it just as difficult to talk to me, as I have found it difficult to talk to him. Lots of gaps in any conversation.

I truly doubt I will ever see him again.

I certainly wouldn't welcome him into my house again. Nor would I visit him in his.
 
Had a nice visit with our family's Estranged Auntie. Still at 90 the lovely, outgoing lady, I remember. She keeps busy socializing with new friends & participating in various activities offered at her assisted living facility. Over lunch she was happy hearing the latest news about my niece, her dad & her husband; we talked about the "old days," she teased me about "pestering," her with phone calls, gifts & greeting cards, and when the name of my niece's grudge-holding aunt came up, EE said "That girl has run hot & cold, her entire life......you can't change how people feel about one another and I'm sure, at my funeral, she will be the loudest mourner." Auntie is a treasure who didn't deserve being abandoned by her relatives, because of some long forgotten slight, so if they choose not having contact with her......it's their loss.
 
maplebeez said:
I learned this weekend, it's not only children abandoning their elderly parents. After hearing from my lovely aunt, by marriage, whom I've stayed in contact with, after she moved to an assisted living facility across the state, calling to tell me she's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I immediately contacted her great niece, but before I could finish telling her about Auntie's diagnosis she started yelling that she & her cousins are still angry at Auntie (the last living member of her father's family) for slighting their grandmother, years ago & they refuse to contact her now. The loving Aunt who attended family functions throughout the years & was always generous to them at Christmas, graduations , weddings & on their birthdays. As the old saying goes: May G-d Forgive her......because I can't.
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129580-Johann-Wolfgang-von-Goethe-Quote-Ingratitude-is-always-a-kind-of.jpg
 
maplebeez said:
Had a nice visit with our family's Estranged Auntie. Still at 90 the lovely, outgoing lady, I remember. She keeps busy socializing with new friends & participating in various activities offered at her assisted living facility. Over lunch she was happy hearing the latest news about my niece, her dad & her husband; we talked about the "old days," she teased me about "pestering," her with phone calls, gifts & greeting cards, and when the name of my niece's grudge-holding aunt came up, EE said "That girl has run hot & cold, her entire life......you can't change how people feel about one another and I'm sure, at my funeral, she will be the loudest mourner." Auntie is a treasure who didn't deserve being abandoned by her relatives, because of some long forgotten slight, so if they choose not having contact with her......it's their loss.
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I know someone like that and one of their kids might see them once a year with some phone contact. They've had debilitating injury and need with their kid a no show. Big holiday blowout years ago which was nothing but a 1/2 century of history and/or issues coming to the surface. Other family wonders why no true reconciliation and I try to tell them it takes two to tango, you don't know the whole story etc. Certain combinations of people including family simply don't mix, won't mix and will hold a grudge frequently justified. Some say I should have more interest in the feud and/or try to "fix" it. It's not my business and the combatants must want to "fix" things.

Over the last few months I seen them in other than formal settings and if their behavior & moods are an indicator I see why a child might want as little to do them as possible. I try to avoid family disputes but if you look at the relationship and people hard enough you can see why. But 'why' doesn't matter. If one treats me good that's all that matters. It's not my job let alone decision to attempt to broker a peace.
 
Finally, I believe the "Me First" mindset that has been foisted upon us by the media has taken a firm grip on younger minds, giving them - in their minds, anyway - not only the option but the right to ignore everyone but their own fine selves.[/QUOTE]
Actions without consequences again.--------

Gotta agree---- daughter is approx 3 miles from us and we're having to evict her for non-payment of house,,,,,AND OF COURSE it's all our fault....
 
Sadly the me first attitude can go both ways. My mother who was a professional, was totally absorbed in herself and her career. Being a parent was a hideous inconvenience, this never changed even after I became an adult. I found it impossible to love her.
 
joel0711 said:
Finally, I believe the "Me First" mindset that has been foisted upon us by the media has taken a firm grip on younger minds, giving them - in their minds, anyway - not only the option but the right to ignore everyone but their own fine selves.
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Actions without consequences again.--------

Gotta agree---- daughter is approx 3 miles from us and we're having to evict her for non-payment of house,,,,,AND OF COURSE it's all our fault....[/QUOTE]

It's never their 'fault'. Then they would have to admit they screwed up instead it's just one of those things, bad luck, hard times etc. Those gosh darn pesky house payments.
 
Reading this entire thread was painful. I sincerely hope that the passage of a little time has eased some of the hurt.

My 2 cents ...... I've always thought that it was entirely possible to love someone but not like them very much and that's sometimes the case in families. And that's OK. It's also OK to let self-preservation by separation step in when dealing with a toxic person, be it parent, child or otherwise.
 
Having existed for multiple decades, it seems to me there's been one issue after another that's contributed to the entire concept of FAMILY breaking apart; and on this particular aspect of the problem, for quite some time there have been 'pop psych' and 'self-help' individuals telling young people "All families are DYSFUNCTIONAL! You don't need THOSE PEOPLE! Get NEW FAMILIES!" Most recently, I even read it in a Dear Abby column (written by the original columnist's daughter), and- get this- in a so-called Mothers Day article in a local newspaper.

From my viewpoint, if parents are truly abusive/neglectful/etc., adult-aged kids 'owe' them nothing... but if parents did what they could to be good parents, adult-aged kids 'owe' them basic respect and a continued relationship.
I'm more than steamed over these authors and columnists insisting parents must have made some mistakes, so throw them away and get new ones.
 
Mom. What can I say?
My mom cut ties with me several times and then I got 'the talk' from my brother about not trying to get back together with my mom. After 6 years the first time, we got back together. I had grand kids and she wanted to see them.
The next time she cut me off for 13 years. Over a disagreement about a dog.
We got back together. I'd visit often from 4 hrs away.

Then my husband got cancer and I had to put priorities first. Hubby needed care and not I couldn't visit mom.
She got angry and told me my husband should just die and then I'd have more time for her.

I still tried to be there for her. When I called she'd get angry because I wasn't there when she got sick. I asked her why my sister hadn't told me or perhaps why her neighbor hadn't called. After all, everyone has my numbers in case of an emergency.

The drama needs to be on her time and with her as the centerpiece. So why doesn't this daughter call? 60+ years of self centered drama is done.
 
I have 3 daughters. Only one speaks to me. Two oldest are mad at me and won't talk to me. Sonething I said and/or did. Cslled them and apologized but not good enough. One is absent for almost 5 years and other almost 10 months. Sometimes I'm glad because they are both a bit unusual. Their father was from first marriage. Father had schizophrenic. I think they may have inhereted a few of his genetics that make them that way. this was passed down from the fathers family. Martied at 17 and first child at 18. WAY too young. Wish I could do my life over!😢
 
Cffortin said:
I know how you feel. Same way with me
Thanks very much for not feeling guilty not wanting to see 2 of my three girls.
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Just because we are blood relations, it doesn't necessarily follow that we relate to each other. For many, true family consists of the people who treat us well.
 

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