Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

My take is it's very complicated. One never knows what is in the background of these women, even back to childhood. I believe there must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that takes place with these women. They can also be so beaten down they can think of no other way of life or believe they can't make it without their abuser. Add kids and.....
 

debodun said:
This topic came up at work one time. I mentioned at that time if I saw my partner's fist coming at me, it would be one of the last thing's he'd see. One of my co-workers (a man) said, "Now I see why you're not married!"
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This kind of bravado doesn't always work so well in real life, especially if the attacker outweighs the woman by, say, 100 pounds or so. What do you do, hit him back? Good luck with that making any difference at all. A restraining order? One of those and $5 will get you a Starbucks' coffee. Call the cops? Maybe they'll do something, maybe they won't; if they do arrest him, he's back on the streets in no time unless he's put you in ICU, even then, he won't be inside for long. And when he's out, he may come back for you AND your children, with a vengeance.

Just today here in Albuquerque, we've had one of those "if I can't have you no one will" scenarios play out in one of the most affluent areas of town. The abuser broke into the woman's home, put the woman in intensive care with life-threatening injuries and killed her three children.

Perhaps if she had had a safe shelter to go to, this would not have happened.
 
In an earlier post I mentioned being assaulted by the ex husband of a client. He is currently in jail. Sadly, he received more time for whomping a therapist than he likely would have faced for beating his wife. So wrong.
 

butterfly said:
this kind of bravado doesn't always work so well in real life, especially if the attacker outweighs the woman by, say, 100 pounds or so. What do you do, hit him back? Good luck with that making any difference at all. A restraining order? One of those and $5 will get you a starbucks' coffee. Call the cops? Maybe they'll do something, maybe they won't; if they do arrest him, he's back on the streets in no time unless he's put you in icu, even then, he won't be inside for long. And when he's out, he may come back for you and your children, with a vengeance.

Just today here in albuquerque, we've had one of those "if i can't have you no one will" scenarios play out in one of the most affluent areas of town. The abuser broke into the woman's home, put the woman in intensive care with life-threatening injuries and killed her three children.

Perhaps if she had had a safe shelter to go to, this would not have happened.
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qft.
 
Kitties said:
My take is it's very complicated. One never knows what is in the background of these women, even back to childhood. I believe there must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that takes place with these women. They can also be so beaten down they can think of no other way of life or believe they can't make it without their abuser. Add kids and.....
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Spousal abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim; it is the fault of the abuser. It is not the result of a character flaw in the victim, or a bad childhood, or anything else, it is the fault of the abuser -- ALWAYS.
 
One other point. the time when someone decides to flee is the most dangerous time and it is well known so someone planning it knows they are putting themselves in more danger

Echoing above.. the victim is never at fault, whether rich, poor, learned or illiterate , whether clean and healthy or into drugs, whether sober or drunk, the victim is never at fault. . Being a victim has nothing to do with how your were brought up, even if in a violent home and reactions may be similar the abuser is still at fault. She burns the dinner, comes home late, even has an affair it still is not her fault.

I watched a segment of Say Yes to the Dress last night and all the red flags and whistles blew with one of the women. The fiancé came for the first fitting and boy it was so obvious, he wanted the dress changing, he kept saying he knew what she wanted, that he was her voice, she said it was pretty as it was and gently suggested that the long train would loko good in photographs, he said no and she let them cut off the train, she was visibly sad but said yes he knows what I want. She was a quiet spoken nice young woman who almost looked a bit nervous. Even the alteration lady tried to suggest another way but he just kept saying he knew best what she needed.It was very scary.
 
Butterfly said:
Spousal abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim; it is the fault of the abuser. It is not the result of a character flaw in the victim, or a bad childhood, or anything else, it is the fault of the abuser -- ALWAYS.
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Never did I say any abuse was the fault of the one being abused. I've been an abuse victim myself. But not by a husband or boyfriend. I don't know how you culled this out of my post. I was answering why women stay. Not why they are abused. I don't get your post.
 
I agree Kitties, its very complicated. Women stay trapped for many reasons through no fault of their own. Abusers have mental health and anger issues and need rehabilitation and therapy not only the person being abused. No easy solution.
 
Just as an interesting side note I just finished watching the movie Enough. It was very good , different and not what I was expecting and I would not suggest for a moment anyone followed the stars lead in dealing with the problem but it did convey some valuable information for protecting yourself once you have fled and a short scene with a lawyer made it very clear that keeping it to yourself is not such a good idea.

Shalimar, I guess it is some comfort that he went into jail, he should of course have been jailed for assault on both of you/

Kitties I am sorry to hear you have suffered abuse and hope you are coping with aftermath well.

The incident in Albuquerque is terrible.

One of my daughters best friends was killed by her abuser, she had fled but she got the family home in a divorce, he came over, strangled her, burnt the home down then killed himself, children and Grandpaents left in a devastating situation. The funeral was packed. She had never told anyone till after she left she felt she was safe once divorced.
 
Over the years when I would answer domestic abuse calls, I heard many reasons from the women. (Believe it or not, I never had a domestic abuse call where a man claimed that he was abused.) Let's see, no money, no transportation, fear of reprisal or stalking, fear of injury or worse, the old familiar, "But I love him," "The children need their dad," "I don't want to send him to jail," "When he's not drinking, he's the best man around," "He loves us," "It's an illness and he can't help himself," "He threatened my family," "He threatened to kill himself," too many to type.
 
Even worse is when a woman needs a court appointed attorney and her partner can afford a private one. There was this legal aid worker in small town Pennsylvania. Such a small town that he was the only choice for most of the women for the local shelter. A bitter divorce himself and he would convince women that they were lying unless they could prove otherwise. Somebody like that representing you and you could lose everything to the abuser.
 
911 said:
Over the years when I would answer domestic abuse calls, I heard many reasons from the women. (Believe it or not, I never had a domestic abuse call where a man claimed that he was abused.) Let's see, no money, no transportation, fear of reprisal or stalking, fear of injury or worse, the old familiar, "But I love him," "The children need their dad," "I don't want to send him to jail," "When he's not drinking, he's the best man around," "He loves us," "It's an illness and he can't help himself," "He threatened my family," "He threatened to kill himself," too many to type.
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I bet you heard a lot of them 911. I worked with this guy whose daughter abused her husband, he felt sorry for the guy. I think a lot of men would be embarrassed to call the authorities and claim abuse by a woman, unless maybe if they were seriously knifed or shot at with a gun.
 
Having spent three of the longest years of my life trying to figure out why my youngest daughter stayed with her abuser,I learned that there is no one reason and it is a process. Meaning the man rarely starts off being abusive. It starts with being controlling. And then comes alienation from family and friends. Then the mental abuse and finally the physical abuse. I never gave up on my daughter but I started to wonder if she would ever break free. She did though,and now,17 years later,even she herself doesn`t really understand how she ever allowed herself to stay as long as she did. They had no kids,it wasn`t financial,none of the reasons you might think. She had her friends and family ready and waiting to bring her home. He did threaten to kill her if she left,but I don`t even think it was that. Oh,and by the way,he was in law enforcement....
 
fureverywhere said:
Even worse is when a woman needs a court appointed attorney and her partner can afford a private one. There was this legal aid worker in small town Pennsylvania. Such a small town that he was the only choice for most of the women for the local shelter. A bitter divorce himself and he would convince women that they were lying unless they could prove otherwise. Somebody like that representing you and you could lose everything to the abuser.
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Maybe things have changed since when your story happened. Today, it's all about having the evidence. So, if a policeman is called to a home, hotel or whatever for a domestic abuse issue, the officer should first separate the two parties by putting the man in the car first. Then, go to the woman and record her injuries. If they are serious enough, the officer needs to get her medical care. Her story can wait. Getting each person's story and taking pictures of injuries will normally tell the story. However, there are exceptions, especially if the victim decides to defend them self by picking up a weapon such as a knife or gun. Then it all becomes another issue completely, especially if one of the victims does not get up, which really does happen from time to time.

I have noticed over the years that when weapons are used in domestic abuse, men will prefer a gun and a women will prefer a knife.
 
Mrs. Robinson said:
Having spent three of the longest years of my life trying to figure out why my youngest daughter stayed with her abuser,I learned that there is no one reason and it is a process. Meaning the man rarely starts off being abusive. It starts with being controlling. And then comes alienation from family and friends. Then the mental abuse and finally the physical abuse. I never gave up on my daughter but I started to wonder if she would ever break free. She did though,and now,17 years later,even she herself doesn`t really understand how she ever allowed herself to stay as long as she did. They had no kids,it wasn`t financial,none of the reasons you might think. She had her friends and family ready and waiting to bring her home. He did threaten to kill her if she left,but I don`t even think it was that. Oh,and by the way,he was in law enforcement....
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That had to be tough. They lose their self-esteem, that's what I believe. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship over thirty years. It was almost like she had two personalities. It began when I was in my teens and I would ask her why she tolerates it. She acted like she wanted to end it until he would appear, often drunk and obnoxious. Then she became that
"other" person. I am glad your daughter got away safely so you could have some peace of mind. I'm sure it must have kept you up at night with worry, I know it would me. You are right--it is a process. Things usually start off quite well. It's also possessiveness. It is hard to understand why anyone would treat the person they claim to love this way.
 
It's a pattern's behavior used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. And she doesn't understand what's happening with her so it's necessary to understand what's happening around us and how the partner behaving . Good relationships don't make you feel like this.
 
boaterboi said:
I know 2 MEN who were in abusive relations. The women doing the abuse. They finally ended it.
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Abusive women are the reason men die off sooner. Men rarely complain about it. They just go on - silently suffering.

I'm not serious of course but living in a retirement community I do know couples where the wives are very hard on the hubbies and not shy about reaming the poor old guys in public. Sad really.
 
I just heard this old song on the radio again, it reminded me of this thread.

 

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