Dreading Sunday with "sniper" step-daughter :(

PVC said:
I'm 77. Back 22 years ago I was still making mistakes and still am. I have a feeling that even if we meet someone who gives us good advice, we won't listen to them because ''we know it all''. We really don't learn until we do it our way.
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Yes...unfortunately...that's very true.
 

In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.

If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you can work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.

Arizona is a community property state. You're entitled to half the marital assets. Half. You won't be leaving with nothing. In addition, since you've been married for more than 10 years, if his SS is more than yours, yours will be recalculated so that you'll get the difference between what you get and what his amounts to. For instance, if your SS is $1500/month and his is $2000/month, after a divorce, yours will be $2000/month, and the amount he gets won't be affected. (Forgive me, I don't do numbers so just chose some nice round numbers, but you get the idea.) I believe that you can also ask for half his retirement if he gets a pension, but since I'm not an attorney and never played one on TV, a pension benefit is something for an attorney to sort out.

Please don't just dismiss out of hand the possibility of leaving because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Do your due diligence and then make a decision about whether you'll be better off with him or without him. This I can tell you without a doubt: your mental health will be far better off without him. What good is physical health if you're emotionally so distressed that you can't enjoy it?

Okay, now I'm going to go face the East for a moment of silent prayer on your behalf. Then I'm going to sit on the patio with my second cup of coffee.

One more thing: just for sh!ts and giggles, why not prepare today's dinner so that it's not keto-friendly, not gluten-free, not whatever is the dietary trend-of-the-moment and either make something that you really like or something that's so disagreeable to her than she won't want to eat it at all? (Yes, I'm a beeyotch that way! LOL)

Okay, I lied about one more thing ;) Here's another thing. My 73-year-old sister is quite well off; she's a "retired" nurse but all the years since she retired, she's worked one day a month solely for the purpose of keeping her license active in case she ever needed it. She recently became a widow and told me that she's glad she kept her license so that she'll "have something to do and to look forward to."

Oops. Another thing! You haven't said whether you still have family and if you do, where they are. Might you want to move to be closer to them? Just a reminder that if you have family still in Michigan, don't forget how brutal the winters are. I'm a Yooper, and when I get really homesick and want to be where most of my brothers and sisters are, I have to do a reality check to remember how unforgiving, how long, and how truly nasty winter can be.
 
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GeorgiaXplant said:
In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.

If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you can work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.

Arizona is a community property state. You're entitled to half the marital assets. Half. You won't be leaving with nothing. In addition, since you've been married for more than 10 years, if his SS is more than yours, yours will be recalculated so that you'll get the difference between what you get and what his amounts to. For instance, if your SS is $1500/month and his is $2000/month, after a divorce, yours will be $2000/month, and the amount he gets won't be affected. (Forgive me, I don't do numbers so just chose some nice round numbers, but you get the idea.) I believe that you can also ask for half his retirement if he gets a pension, but since I'm not an attorney and never played one on TV, a pension benefit is something for an attorney to sort out.

Please don't just dismiss out of hand the possibility of leaving because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Do your due diligence and then make a decision about whether you'll be better off with him or without him. This I can tell you without a doubt: your mental health will be far better off without him. What good is physical health if you're emotionally so distressed that you can't enjoy it?

Okay, now I'm going to go face the East for a moment of silent prayer on your behalf. Then I'm going to sit on the patio with my second cup of coffee.

One more thing: just for sh!ts and giggles, why not prepare today's dinner so that it's not keto-friendly, not gluten-free, not whatever is the dietary trend-of-the-moment and either make something that you really like or something that's so disagreeable to her than she won't want to eat it at all? (Yes, I'm a beeyotch that way! LOL)

Okay, I lied about one more thing ;) Here's another thing. My 73-year-old sister is quite well off; she's a "retired" nurse but all the years since she retired, she's worked one day a month solely for the purpose of keeping her license active in case she ever needed it. She recently became a widow and told me that she's glad she kept her license so that she'll "have something to do and to look forward to."

Oops. Another thing! You haven't said whether you still have family and if you do, where they are? Might you want to move to be closer to them? Just a reminder that if you have family still in Michigan, don't forget how brutal the winters are. I'm a Yooper, and when I get really homesick and want to be where most of my brothers and sisters are, I have to do a reality check to remember how unforgiving, how long, and how truly nasty winter can be.
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I like the idea about making a meal that she does not like LOL!
 

Colleen said:
... I also have lost a lot respect for him after a couple years ago he told me that I have been the biggest disappointment of his life. Nice, eh?? I can't tell you how much that hurt. I've done everything for him. ...

...I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, financially I can't do it. I've made my bed......
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Colleen said:
...I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???
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You don't have to leave to set boundaries. You're sounding in full-on doormat mode right now, and I'm guessing from the tone of what you've posted that this has gone on long enough that you meet clinical depression criteria. You're a nurse ...there are plenty of depression evaluation tools online to help you determine this.

If I'm reading this right and you are depressed, see a doctor, work on getting your brain neurotransmitters back in balance, and also see a counselor to learn how to live strong in the situation you're in. If you're not clinically depressed, go straight to a therapist. From what you've posted, I doubt your husband will go along with counseling, but that's okay. You can do a lot on your own. You learn how to respond/not respond from a place of inner strength and once you start responding that way, people respect it. You'll also have an objective, encouraging therapist supporting you as you grow stronger.
 
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Colleen said:
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.

I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???

I know you didn't ask for any details, but let me give you a little background. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm being too sensitive...IDK.

We moved here to AZ in 2014. It was what my husband wanted to do, so that's what we did. His kids lived, at that time, in CA. I was happy that they were 350 miles away so we only saw them once a month. Right after we moved here, Jennifer (the "sniper") announced they were selling their house in CA and moving here. I asked her if she was sure that's what they wanted to do...meaning her and her husband, because he's not a person to be out of his comfort zone. He was born and raised there and didn't want to come here but she forced the situation, so they sold their home; she moved here; he stayed there for the past 3 1/2 years and used any excuse to delay his move. It's a complicated situation. He finally came the end of October.

Last Saturday (the 2nd) was my husband's birthday. They said they couldn't come because they were going to Las Vegas (we're only 100 miles away) to Ikea, so David and I had steaks on the grill and I baked him a birthday cake. She never phoned or texted her dad. He waited all day to hear from her.

They came on Sunday and while David was outside with her dog, I asked why she didn't call her dad on his birthday. She said, "Well, we were coming today. Besides, I never know who's phone I should be calling." I thought...really?...that's your excuse? Come to find out...they didn't go to Vegas to Ikea. So, we played Chicken Foot and usually we take a break about half way through and have a dessert of some kind that I've made, so I asked if they wanted some birthday cake. She said, "no thanks. We're on the Keto diet". I thought...why would you start a diet at this time of the year??? So, we played on and I ended up winning, which is unusual, because she usually wins. She said, "Well...you won again." She gets all snippy if she ends up losing a round and makes comments about me "blocking" her moves.

Her dad asked what they were going to get at Ikea and said I had just gotten a new dresser (not from Ikea) and would she like to see it? She made a comment...what, you're getting rid of some more furniture??? We had downsized when we moved here to AZ 5 years ago. She looked at it and said, "Kinda small, isn't it?" She picks at everything. She even has the nerve to ask me if I'm ever going to put anything up on one of my kitchen walls. That's really funny because she lives in a pig pen. I won't go over there unless I absolutely have no choice. She was raised like that with her mother and doesn't think any thing of it, but yet, she's always finding fault with everything I do or say.

There's a ton of things more, but you get the idea. She's always right...about EVERYTHING....and you can't give any advice or opinion because she doesn't want any.

I dread tomorrow :(
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In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen. Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday? Not your concern.

What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.

So what if they're starting a diet this time of the year? Would you be equally judge-y if one of your friends said she was going on a diet ahead of the holidays so her weight didn't get out of control?

Why are you defensive about your dresser? You could have shrugged and said, "Maybe it is small. We don't need as many different types of clothing now that we're retired."

My point is that your responses and reactions are helping to keep the pot boiling with her. As others have said, if she plugs you in then do something else on Sundays. Go to the movies and take a long walk, set up a date with a GF, join a book group that meets on Sundays, find a church or organization that appeals, and let your husband know that you're going to let him enjoy some time with his daughter. No drama. Let them have their relationship.

I'd have zero tolerance for staying in a marriage where I didn't feel valued or loved, and didn't value or love my partner. At this point you might want to honestly consider whether you're a victim or a volunteer.
 
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Sometimes we have the notion that if we do "just this one more thing" that it's going to make a difference. It doesn't, but we feel like we have to try.
 
Colleen said:
The reason Jennifer never knew her dad was because her mother wouldn't let her come with her brother's on weekends when they were young. Her mother always took her horseback riding or something. Jennifer was told awful lies about her dad so she grew up being afraid of him and didn't want to be around him. No, he didn't remarry until we did in '97. I met him in 1975 right after Jennifer was born. He lived in PA and was working in MI where I was raised. He left his wife and kids about 8 months after that and lived with his mother. He left the farm, land, and house to his ex. Unfortunately, he had a stupid lawyer that didn't specify any money from the sale of the property or animals would be in trust for the kids. David assumed his ex would use it for the kids. Wrong. She drank it all up. I moved to PA about a year later, got a good job, and we lived together for a couple years. It was the same merry-go-round back then. He was gone all week and home Friday night. He picked up the 2 boys and they stayed the weekend until he left Sunday afternoon. That was every weekend. Then his ex would call at 2 or 3 in the morning and want him to come rescue her because she was stuck in a ditch somewhere. She was drunk and he'd go help her. This went on for a couple years and then I moved out. I couldn't take it any more. We both moved on with our lives and when his ex packed up and took the kids to CA (where she had family), he followed because he didn't trust her to take care of them. So, I never saw him again until 1997. Kids were grown. He was getting ready to retire. Everything was pretty good.....until we moved here in 2014. I thought we'd have our retirement years together but he looks forward to his kids every weekend. It's the same old merry-go-round but with older children. :(
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It's really a shame that she was allowed to raise the children. Your husband should have been giving the kids they would have been much better off. God only knows the lies the Mother told her daughter about your husband.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
In case you're thinking you're "too old" to leave and make another (better) life for yourself, I say this: you're too old NOT to. You won't be younger in a week, a month, a year. The sooner you make a plan (or, as my daddy used to say "hatch a plot"), the sooner you can live in peace and the longer you'll have to enjoy that peace.

If you're in good health and have kept up your nursing license, you can supplement your income with nursing gigs. The demand is high for private duty nurses, and it pays well. If you're in good health but haven't kept up your license, you can go back to school and pick up what you need to get it back. This is not to say that you should work full time, just that you can work here and there as your pocketbook dictates. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if a good divorce attorney can ask for and get an order for him to pay for the classes you need.

Arizona is a community property state. You're entitled to half the marital assets. Half. You won't be leaving with nothing. In addition, since you've been married for more than 10 years, if his SS is more than yours, yours will be recalculated so that you'll get the difference between what you get and what his amounts to. For instance, if your SS is $1500/month and his is $2000/month, after a divorce, yours will be $2000/month, and the amount he gets won't be affected. (Forgive me, I don't do numbers so just chose some nice round numbers, but you get the idea.) I believe that you can also ask for half his retirement if he gets a pension, but since I'm not an attorney and never played one on TV, a pension benefit is something for an attorney to sort out.

Please don't just dismiss out of hand the possibility of leaving because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Do your due diligence and then make a decision about whether you'll be better off with him or without him. This I can tell you without a doubt: your mental health will be far better off without him. What good is physical health if you're emotionally so distressed that you can't enjoy it?

Okay, now I'm going to go face the East for a moment of silent prayer on your behalf. Then I'm going to sit on the patio with my second cup of coffee.

One more thing: just for sh!ts and giggles, why not prepare today's dinner so that it's not keto-friendly, not gluten-free, not whatever is the dietary trend-of-the-moment and either make something that you really like or something that's so disagreeable to her than she won't want to eat it at all? (Yes, I'm a beeyotch that way! LOL)

Okay, I lied about one more thing ;) Here's another thing. My 73-year-old sister is quite well off; she's a "retired" nurse but all the years since she retired, she's worked one day a month solely for the purpose of keeping her license active in case she ever needed it. She recently became a widow and told me that she's glad she kept her license so that she'll "have something to do and to look forward to."

Oops. Another thing! You haven't said whether you still have family and if you do, where they are. Might you want to move to be closer to them? Just a reminder that if you have family still in Michigan, don't forget how brutal the winters are. I'm a Yooper, and when I get really homesick and want to be where most of my brothers and sisters are, I have to do a reality check to remember how unforgiving, how long, and how truly nasty winter can be.
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WOW!!! Great information! Thanks. I didn't realize that I could qualify for the difference between his SS and mine. I DID know I was entitled to 1/2 his pension. Two years ago, I told him I was leaving and he asked me how I'd manage financially. I told him about his pension and he blew his stack and said he'd kill himself first before I got 1/2. That's not the reason I haven't left. I know he'd never do anything like that. He was just shocked and furious.

I did not keep up my nursing license. Actually...I hated nursing. It's what my parents wanted me to do. I was 18...what did I know?? Later in life I found a career that I loved and I was good at it.

Today's dinner is a sort-of-celebration for his son, who turns 50 on the 17th. I'm not fussing...just steaks and baked potatoes on the grill. We offered to take him to whatever restaurant he wanted but he's a very simple guy and doesn't like a lot of expense and fussing. Next weekend, Jennifer and her husband are taking him to Las Vegas. They have an aunt that lives in Henderson and gets a lot of free tickets to shows, etc. because she's a resident.

My family in MI is gone...for the most part. I have a couple cousins but we're not close any more. They all have kids and grandkids but I don't even know them. I would go back during the summer for visits but I wouldn't live there again. I'd probably stay here in AZ but I relocate to a different area...NOT Phoenix!!
 
Oh, my. Steak and baked potatoes. Is that keto-friendly so that his daughter can eat it? :)

Heck, you don't have to be a nurse. Maybe just choose something that you'd like to do where you could pick and choose when you'd work, and do that if you need more income.

Oh, and grounds for a divorce? Emotional abuse is what you've been living with. You don't have to.
 
StarSong said:
In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen. Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday? Not your concern.

What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.

So what if they're starting a diet this time of the year? Would you be equally judge-y if one of your friends said she was going on a diet ahead of the holidays so her weight didn't get out of control?

Why are you defensive about your dresser? You could have shrugged and said, "Maybe it is small. We don't need as many different types of clothing now that we're retired."

My point is that your responses and reactions are helping to keep the pot boiling with her. As others have said, if she plugs you in then do something else on Sundays. Go to the movies and take a long walk, set up a date with a GF, join a book group that meets on Sundays, find a church or organization that appeals, and let your husband know that you're going to let him enjoy some time with his daughter. No drama. Let them have their relationship.

I'd have zero tolerance for staying in a marriage where I didn't feel valued or loved, and didn't value or love my partner. At this point you might want to honestly consider whether you're a victim or a volunteer.
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Wow! You're way off base on your conclusions, missy. I'm not even going to defend myself to you because you're ridiculous!
 
Colleen said:
Wow! You're way off base on your conclusions, missy. I'm not even going to defend myself to you because you're ridiculous!
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I offer my sincere apologies. I didn't mean to offend. I was trying to point out that you could extricate yourself from a lot of the aggravation with your step-daughter-in-law by not involving yourself in what goes on between her and her father.

As for your relationship with your husband, it just seems to me that you'll either have to put up with what you've described on these threads as a marriage of convenience in which all feelings for your husband have been killed, or leave. Not suggesting for a moment that either would be easy.
 
They may be "good points" but may also not be good points in her case. She's the one who knows what applies to her and what doesn't. I don't think we should be making judgments or deciding for her what she "needs" to do. What Colleen probably wants and needs from us is support and encouragement to do what she feels is in her best interests. And a place to rant.

How often have any of us just ranted here without really wanting anything except a place to vent? I know I have!

Unfortunately, our "tone of voice" doesn't come through on a computer screen. Emojis help, but even then...KWIM?

ETA: Here I am again with my "one more thing" and that is that sometimes we find ourselves between the devil and the deep blue sea, a six-of-one/half-a-dozen of the other situation. Pros. Cons. And no crystal ball to point us in the best direction.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
How often have any of us just ranted here without really wanting anything except a place to vent? I know I have!
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I was in a forum once where the Original Poster (OP) asked for a solution to his problem. Lots of posters offered a solution, but the OP kept finding fault with each. One very wise poster said that most OPs had already decided what to do about their problem BEFORE they posted, they just wanted to see who or how many agreed with them.

I doubt that Colleen will do anything about her situation. I think she just wants to vent about it and stay put because it's much easier than making the changes that will improve her life, either leaving him or demanding respect and risking him asking for a divorce and her losing her lifestyle.
 
I lived the same way with my husband for 31 years, but from the beginning I made it clear as long as he was married to me, in my eyes, the ex-family came second. I didn't care how he felt about it. He was welcome to visit and entertain them, just not in my house. Ex-wife thought she could drop in any old time, as did the rest of her family. I put a stop to that right away. He had a daughter. She came to visit and stay over occasionally but she preferred to stay with her mom and grandma. I felt like a heel at first demanding my way, but you know I got respect. Anyway the problem was my husband. He thought I should get along with everyone in his life all the time, whereas he spent only a few hours a day at home. Screw that. He didn't know what he was talking about. He just liked throwing his imaginary weight around. I put up with him until he died. I will never marry again that's for sure, even if the guy is a billionaire. My experience, marriage is a raw deal for women.
 
please do not allow this person with the know all ways bully u in your own house - she knows you keep quite -so she will continue with the snide remarks and so on …..married to her dad or not you dont take it ' your a adult so put her straight while she visits you ' once you have told her it will stop ' and dont get upset just be firm and in front of both men -then you can sit and have a enjoyable meal ,
 
PVC, he isn't going to ask for a divorce. Remember, he doesn't want to let her have half his pension! I don't think she's made up her mind; I think she's trying to decide. It could be that he's made her feel obligated to stay and convinced her that she's so dependent upon his income that she can't leave.

At any rate, today it's steak and baked potatoes on the grill. Steak is okay, but baked potatoes aren't keto-friendly :ROFLMAO: Never mind that it's his son's birthday dinner, not his daughter's.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
PVC, he isn't going to ask for a divorce. Remember, he doesn't want to let her have half his pension! I don't think she's made up her mind; I think she's trying to decide.
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Good point, I forgot about the pension! She's safe, unless he murders her to get her out of the way (I know, I watch too many Columbo).

BUT, she wanted to leave him two years ago and didn't. He's been treating her this way for 22 years and moved to Arizona in 2014 even though she hates it here. I don't blame her for hating Phoenix, though, with the 110 summer temps and the Haboobs at least once a year. She has admitted she does everything his way and that he said she was a mistake. How much more and how much longer will she take it? She's already 73, is she hoping he'll drop dead? If she is, she better check his will, she may not be in there at all, but she should get half of everything (I hope).

Re my snide remark about her waiting for him to die. A friend told me that her father in law was a womanizer and his wife knew about it but refused to leave him. She said she did not want another woman getting HIS half. He died at 59 from a heart attack and she lost her morbidly obese weight, bought a brand new wardrobe, and met a man who loved everything she loved and they had a grand old time until he died at 73. Putting up with the chronic cheater is not what I would do, but it worked for her.
 
My husband did and said a lot of dumb things, but he wasn't a drunk or a wife beater, he didn't cheat or gamble. He was a dumbass. I didn't find that to be grounds for divorce. A lot of people are dumbasses, doesn't mean you just write them off. Just the way I feel.
 
Judycat said:
My husband did and said a lot of dumb things, but he wasn't a drunk or a wife beater, he didn't cheat or gamble. He was a dumbass. I didn't find that to be grounds for divorce. A lot of people are dumbasses, doesn't mean you just write them off. Just the way I feel.
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I agree, but dumbasses would never pass in my book, either. Two things I would require in a marriage, chemistry and respect, nothing less. It's a good thing I never found that ''special guy'' I was looking for after my divorce, I don't think I was made for marriage. I'm glad you were able to make it work with him, there is much worse out there than a "dumbass".
 
StarSong said:
In reading this a few things popped out at me, Colleen. Given your relationship with your husband and his daughter, why are you calling her out about not phoning her father on his birthday? Not your concern.

What do you care if they went to IKEA or not? Again, not your concern if they show up for his birthday. That's between them. Let it stay between them. Not your circus not your monkeys.

So what if they're starting a diet this time of the year? Would you be equally judge-y if one of your friends said she was going on a diet ahead of the holidays so her weight didn't get out of control?

Why are you defensive about your dresser? You could have shrugged and said, "Maybe it is small. We don't need as many different types of clothing now that we're retired."

My point is that your responses and reactions are helping to keep the pot boiling with her. As others have said, if she plugs you in then do something else on Sundays. Go to the movies and take a long walk, set up a date with a GF, join a book group that meets on Sundays, find a church or organization that appeals, and let your husband know that you're going to let him enjoy some time with his daughter. No drama. Let them have their relationship.

I'd have zero tolerance for staying in a marriage where I didn't feel valued or loved, and didn't value or love my partner. At this point you might want to honestly consider whether you're a victim or a volunteer.
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Great post, as usual Starsong. ❤️
 

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