Dreading Sunday with "sniper" step-daughter :(

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
My 45 year old step-daughter is coming on Sunday with her husband for dinner, but I'm dreading it. She tolerates me because of her Dad, who she never knew until we moved here 5 years ago. Anyway, she has a subtle way of sniping at me and last Sunday was very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut so I don't make waves.

I'm just venting. Maybe it will help to say it to someone here that's not involved. My husband doesn't catch her digs. He's either outside or doesn't hear her because he's hard of hearing.

She's a very over-bearing person and a real know-it-all (just like her mother), so she's hard to even like. Guess I need to just keep my mouth shut. It's only a day...right?
 

There is no way you should have to put up with that kind of treatment in your own home! Is there anyway you can get her alone & tell her to knock it off or this will be the last time she’ll be invited to your home? I don’t mean to sound like a witch but this is just wrong!! 😡
 
Usually the only thing that works with people like her is all out confrontation. It would be good to get your husband aligned with you first because one possible outcome would for her to try to split him away from you (which may be her objective anyway).

I always show respect to people I meet and have no tolerance for clowns who won't show me respect in turn no matter their family connection. You will either have one fantastic memorable donnybrook with her or you will have to endure a multitude of frustrating encounters.

I vote for the donnybrook...They can be so much fun.
 

@Colleen Sometimes with that kind of person and in the complex family situation you're in, you just have to consider the source. That's one thing I've learned working in heathcare where you're exposed to all kinds and you can't confront or escape. If you can get to that level of detachment, that sort of person sometimes even becomes a source of amusement ...they're working so hard, you aren't biting, and it begins to get funny.
 
A society that has accepted innuendos, clever insinuations, double ententes leaves one searching for a squelch, but anger slows
cognition.
Repartee: Our 'polite society' will drive us nuts. There is a time for crude.
I fear my examples would not be appropriate
 
Are you required to invite her? Every Sunday!

You have three options:
1. Confront her in front of your husband and her husband, so that she can't put words in your mouth when retelling.
2. Put up with it and let your BP go sky high and your self-esteem go real low.
3. Don't invite her anymore and if your husband complains tell him to meet her at a restaurant without you.
 
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.

I'm not a mean-spirited person and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't even "fight" with my husband because, after all, we have to live together...right???

I know you didn't ask for any details, but let me give you a little background. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm being too sensitive...IDK.

We moved here to AZ in 2014. It was what my husband wanted to do, so that's what we did. His kids lived, at that time, in CA. I was happy that they were 350 miles away so we only saw them once a month. Right after we moved here, Jennifer (the "sniper") announced they were selling their house in CA and moving here. I asked her if she was sure that's what they wanted to do...meaning her and her husband, because he's not a person to be out of his comfort zone. He was born and raised there and didn't want to come here but she forced the situation, so they sold their home; she moved here; he stayed there for the past 3 1/2 years and used any excuse to delay his move. It's a complicated situation. He finally came the end of October.

Last Saturday (the 2nd) was my husband's birthday. They said they couldn't come because they were going to Las Vegas (we're only 100 miles away) to Ikea, so David and I had steaks on the grill and I baked him a birthday cake. She never phoned or texted her dad. He waited all day to hear from her.

They came on Sunday and while David was outside with her dog, I asked why she didn't call her dad on his birthday. She said, "Well, we were coming today. Besides, I never know who's phone I should be calling." I thought...really?...that's your excuse? Come to find out...they didn't go to Vegas to Ikea. So, we played Chicken Foot and usually we take a break about half way through and have a dessert of some kind that I've made, so I asked if they wanted some birthday cake. She said, "no thanks. We're on the Keto diet". I thought...why would you start a diet at this time of the year??? So, we played on and I ended up winning, which is unusual, because she usually wins. She said, "Well...you won again." She gets all snippy if she ends up losing a round and makes comments about me "blocking" her moves.

Her dad asked what they were going to get at Ikea and said I had just gotten a new dresser (not from Ikea) and would she like to see it? She made a comment...what, you're getting rid of some more furniture??? We had downsized when we moved here to AZ 5 years ago. She looked at it and said, "Kinda small, isn't it?" She picks at everything. She even has the nerve to ask me if I'm ever going to put anything up on one of my kitchen walls. That's really funny because she lives in a pig pen. I won't go over there unless I absolutely have no choice. She was raised like that with her mother and doesn't think any thing of it, but yet, she's always finding fault with everything I do or say.

There's a ton of things more, but you get the idea. She's always right...about EVERYTHING....and you can't give any advice or opinion because she doesn't want any.

I dread tomorrow :(
 
PVC said:
Are you required to invite her? Every Sunday!

You have three options:
1. Confront her in front of your husband and her husband, so that she can't put words in your mouth when retelling.
2. Put up with it and let your BP go sky high and your self-esteem go real low.
3. Don't invite her anymore and if your husband complains tell him to meet her at a restaurant without you.
Click to expand...


I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.
 
Colleen said:
I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.
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After I divorced at 24 I never found the kind of guy I wanted, so I stayed single. I am soooo glad it worked out this way. I was bound to find a guy with a ready-made family and I didn't want all those complications of stepchildren and ex-wife. It sounds like you do everything your husband's way, including moving to Arizona which you said you hated. I think you need to be more assertive with him about your wants and needs. You didn't ''marry him'', you both married each other and marriages are all about compromises.

And if worse comes to worse and he leaves you, believe me, being single has LOTS of pros, one of them is that you get to live your life ''your way''.
 
Colleen said:
My 45 year old step-daughter is coming on Sunday with her husband for dinner, but I'm dreading it. She tolerates me because of her Dad, who she never knew until we moved here 5 years ago. Anyway, she has a subtle way of sniping at me and last Sunday was very difficult for me to keep my mouth shut so I don't make waves.

I'm just venting. Maybe it will help to say it to someone here that's not involved. My husband doesn't catch her digs. He's either outside or doesn't hear her because he's hard of hearing.

She's a very over-bearing person and a real know-it-all (just like her mother), so she's hard to even like. Guess I need to just keep my mouth shut. It's only a day...right?
Click to expand...

I know they type of person you mean, but as you say it's only temporary and you already know what to expect, so you won't be surprised. Don't take her sniping too personally...and just consider the source. You can get away from her in a short period of time, but she has to live with herself. ;)
 
Any way the Sunday dinners can be limited to every two weeks instead? Even if not possible, I'd say kill her with kindness outwardly, but when your husband isn't in the room, give her the side-eye whenever she gets snippy and say something designed to shut her down. How about "My goodness, are we a bit cranky today?" Life's too short to put up with disagreeable people.

And be grateful that it's only a few hours!
 
Colleen said:
I don't invite them every Sunday. My husband expects them to be here every freakin' Sunday! I cook every Sunday. I put up with her every Sunday for my husband's sake. He has always put his kids ahead of us. It goes a long way back when he left his (drunken) ex and the kids to be with me. He's always felt guilty and they are still first in his life.
Click to expand...


Read this line in your post to yourself a few times. Let it sink in.

Quote
"He has always put his kids ahead of us. "

Is the resentment really about the daughter or just an extension of resentment knowing you come after his kids?

Then think about these words of wisdom from PVC

Quote
"You didn't ''marry him'', you both married each other and marriages are all about compromises.
 
I’ll tell you what——You two are oil and water. The pair of you need to come to an agreement to stay out of each other’s way.
OTOH, the only way you two will be tolerant of one another is if you learn to be tolerant of one another. Get it?
Good Luck!
 
Knight said:
Read this line in your post to yourself a few times. Let it sink in.

Quote
"He has always put his kids ahead of us. "

Is the resentment really about the daughter or just an extension of resentment knowing you come after his kids?

Then think about these words of wisdom from PVC

Quote
"You didn't ''marry him'', you both married each other and marriages are all about compromises.
Click to expand...

Yes...after 22 years, I'm positive I harbor some resentments of my own that he cares more about his "kids" (50/47/45) than he does me. I also have lost a lot respect for him after a couple years ago he told me that I have been the biggest disappointment of his life. Nice, eh?? I can't tell you how much that hurt. I've done everything for him. I took care of him at home for 8 months when he was seriously injured 6 years ago.

I could have let him go to a rehab hospital but since I had been a nurse, I figured I could take better care of him. It took a toll on me. It was tough and I wouldn't do it again. I've given up everything that I cherished when we've moved several times just because he didn't want to take it with us. I've had to all the bills, banking, decisions on his pension, etc., etc., etc....so for him to say such a cruel thing to me, after all I've done for him, has killed all my feelings for him. I've told him how I feel. It's a "marriage" of convenience for both of us.

I wish I could have been as smart as PVC years ago and stayed single, but I didn't. The truth is...he thought I was a different person than what he thought and visa versa.

I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, financially I can't do it. I've made my bed......
 
I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate it every weekend. My health would suffer as I avoid conflict like the plague and internally I would be destroyed. Once or twice a year for holiday but that’s it.
 
Colleen said:
I've posted this before, but I was ready to leave him 2 years ago, but, financially I can't do it. I've made my bed......
Click to expand...

I don't know how old you are, Colleen, but that above is fatalistic. After being married ten years you're entitled to something, you've been married 22 years. Even if you get nothing, you were a nurse, you should be able to make enough to live on. It's obvious that you no longer love your husband and it's obvious he no longer loves you since your feelings matter little to him. If a good financial life is more important to you than a life of self-respect then I have nothing else to say. You may have ''made your bed'' 22 years ago, but you still have the power to unmake that bed for the remaining years of your life.
 
With the background you've just given, here's my two cents worth...he invites them every Sunday? Fine. Find yourself something to do away from home every Sunday. He can cook for them or he can take them out to eat. Just decline with polite thanks to be a part of it.

His kids were 28, 25 and 23 when he married you? WTH? It's not like they were 8, 5 and 3 or even 18, 15 and 13. He's still feeling guilty? Mmhmm. It's apparent that his daughter has that all figured out, has picked up on his disdain for you, and is milking it for all its worth.

You've done your part for 22 years. You get to call the shots. I hope you can find a way to call the shots in your favor and start living a life that you like. What he wants is the last thing that would concern me one. single. iota.
 
I feel sorry for all you are going through. What has me confused though is why didn't she know her Dad ?
Did he stop seeing her after he left his wife ? Did he marry right away after his divorce ? Could she hold it against you that she never saw him ? He might defend her because he feels guilty about not seeing her for so long. I hope things work out much better for you.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
Find yourself something to do away from home every Sunday. He can cook for them or he can take them out to eat. Just decline with polite thanks to be a part of it.

It's apparent that his daughter has that all figured out, has picked up on his disdain for you, and is milking it for all its worth.
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I was going to suggest that she leave the house on Sundays and let him host the daughter. BUT, what if the daughter does something to spite Colleen? She could damage something on purpose or steal something etc etc. I wouldn't trust her in my house when I'm gone.

I fully agree on the second paragraph!
 
PVC said:
I don't know how old you are, Colleen, but that above is fatalistic. After being married ten years you're entitled to something, you've been married 22 years. Even if you get nothing, you were a nurse, you should be able to make enough to live on. It's obvious that you no longer love your husband and it's obvious he no longer loves you since your feelings matter little to him. If a good financial life is more important to you than a life of self-respect then I have nothing else to say. You may have ''made your bed'' 22 years ago, but you still have the power to unmake that bed for the remaining years of your life.
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Well said...thank you :) Where were you 22 years ago when I could have used some good advice?? BTW...I'm 73.
 
Pepper said:
Colleen, did your husband's ex-wife remarry, or enter into another relationship? Is she happy?
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No, she never remarried. She's a miserable person. She's a drinker and very negative. David's job always took him out of town for the week. They had a farm but when he came home, she'd be passed out on the couch. The house was a mess and the animals hadn't been taken care of. After 10 years, he had enough. She hates both of us, even though she never wanted or loved David and has never forgiven us. Thank God she lives in PA and we live in AZ.
 
Colleen said:
Well said...thank you :) Where were you 22 years ago when I could have used some good advice?? BTW...I'm 73.
Click to expand...
I'm 77. Back 22 years ago I was still making mistakes and still am. I have a feeling that even if we meet someone who gives us good advice, we won't listen to them because ''we know it all''. We really don't learn until we do it our way.
 
Sassycakes said:
I feel sorry for all you are going through. What has me confused though is why didn't she know her Dad ?
Did he stop seeing her after he left his wife ? Did he marry right away after his divorce ? Could she hold it against you that she never saw him ? He might defend her because he feels guilty about not seeing her for so long. I hope things work out much better for you.
Click to expand...

The reason Jennifer never knew her dad was because her mother wouldn't let her come with her brother's on weekends when they were young. Her mother always took her horseback riding or something. Jennifer was told awful lies about her dad so she grew up being afraid of him and didn't want to be around him. No, he didn't remarry until we did in '97. I met him in 1975 right after Jennifer was born. He lived in PA and was working in MI where I was raised. He left his wife and kids about 8 months after that and lived with his mother. He left the farm, land, and house to his ex. Unfortunately, he had a stupid lawyer that didn't specify any money from the sale of the property or animals would be in trust for the kids. David assumed his ex would use it for the kids. Wrong. She drank it all up. I moved to PA about a year later, got a good job, and we lived together for a couple years. It was the same merry-go-round back then. He was gone all week and home Friday night. He picked up the 2 boys and they stayed the weekend until he left Sunday afternoon. That was every weekend. Then his ex would call at 2 or 3 in the morning and want him to come rescue her because she was stuck in a ditch somewhere. She was drunk and he'd go help her. This went on for a couple years and then I moved out. I couldn't take it any more. We both moved on with our lives and when his ex packed up and took the kids to CA (where she had family), he followed because he didn't trust her to take care of them. So, I never saw him again until 1997. Kids were grown. He was getting ready to retire. Everything was pretty good.....until we moved here in 2014. I thought we'd have our retirement years together but he looks forward to his kids every weekend. It's the same old merry-go-round but with older children. :(
 


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