Mother raised six children...now estranged from 5....

Pepper said:
Bonnie wrote:
Looks like another one and done poster. ... maybe she would like to come back here, and introduce herself on the board??

Pepper wrote:
I think she was two posters at once, bearcat & babycakes. bc & bc; both registered at the exact same minute.
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I think you both may be right, and perhaps the story needed more background before taking it at face value.
 

Catlady said:
Grahamg wrote
Does a newborn baby come with the skills to earn their parents respect(?) - I accept re-reading you're post you are referring to adults, but I have to say "you're a hard woman" given the views you express, (maybe that's a good thing?).

Catlady wrote
That is exactly what I was saying. You do your duty as a parent and give them love and shelter until they're self-sufficient adults, and then if they have no use for you or respect for you, then you don't owe them anything. Respect goes both ways. If I'm a hard woman for believing in reciprocity, then so be it, I don't want it any other way regardless of others' opinions.

EDIT= This is in response to @grahamg, I have no idea why it didn't quote.
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Its probably a very good thing to be strong, though "hard" does have some negative connotations obviously, (it was said tongue in cheek though!).

I remain a believer in unconditional love (was that were this discussion started?), but can see its flaws, if you get taken for a mug into the bargain. :(.
 
I cant begin to understand this turmoil bc----as we only know what you say on here '
and not their thoughts of the break down in the family; find it heart wrenching what I
have read so far - you mention lies ??

to have your kids turn on you has to be something that they are upset by !
i must be very lucky to have such caring sons - so hope you manage to get it sorted ....
 
grahamg said:
I think you both may be right, and perhaps the story needed more background before taking it at face value.
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I don't think that Babycakes and Bearcat are the same person. They not only did not join at the same minute like Pepper claims (check it out), but Bearcat has posted in 42+ threads, while Babycakes only posted in ONE very vague rant against her children, without giving any example of their complaints or their transgressions. Five children cannot all turn against a parent without there being at least a grain of truth in their complaints against her. No parent is ever 100% good or bad and no children are totally good or bad, either. I never believe people who claim their children are perfect.
 
Catlady said:
I don't think that Babycakes and Bearcat are the same person. They not only did not join at the same minute like Pepper claims (check it out), but Bearcat has posted in 42+ threads, while Babycakes only posted in ONE very vague rant against her children, without giving any example of their complaints or their transgressions. Five children cannot all turn against a parent without there being at least a grain of truth in their complaints against her. No parent is ever 100% good or bad and no children are totally good or bad, either. I never believe people who claim their children are perfect.
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That is so weird, as I checked it several times to make sure and saw both join last night at 11:18 pm.
 
Pepper said:
See, Cat, even You are using the plural! ;)
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So what? I don't know what sex Bearcat is, I never checked their profile before, just looked at their avatar info. Better than having to write he/she all the time. Most people use ''they'' when they don't know the sex of the individual.
 
Catlady said:
So what? I don't know what sex Bearcat is, I never checked their profile before, just looked at their avatar info. Better than having to write he/she all the time. Most people use ''they'' when they don't know the sex of the individual.
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Schtickler. Using an emoticon didn't help me one bit.
 
Can't offer much real advice to folks when only one side of a story is available. Same goes for "ex's". So many people have them and 90% of these "ex's" are fully responsible for the troubles. It'd be interesting to have a parallel post by the "ex" and in some or many cases our view might change.
Or just skip the advice and admit that we don't have a clue to what really happened, only what we've been told.:unsure:
 
DaveA said:
Can't offer much real advice to folks when only one side of a story is available. Same goes for "ex's". So many people have them and 90% of these "ex's" are fully responsible for the troubles. It'd be interesting to have a parallel post by the "ex" and in some or many cases our view might change.
Or just skip the advice and admit that we don't have a clue to what really happened, only what we've been told.:unsure:
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One thing to be gained from this thread, even if its not a genuine story, not withstanding if it is in any way genuine, and we only have one side of it, is that people's attitudes are drawn out in the process.

Whether people choose to be critical, or its reasonable to be critical with so little information to go on, (some who may have been slightly negative or critical in my view, dont think they were being, so there's some confusion obviously to cloud matters).

We all like "being right" or thinking we might know what best, or reading views we tend to agree with, or others liking our views. Sticking your neck out and going against the crowd isn't often very fruitful, but we've all lived long enough, and face uncertain enough futures, to try to say whatever we think, regardless sometimes.

People used to say to me they'd like to hear my ex.'s views, (as to whether or not she played a role in alienating our child from me), but how likely do you think she might be to admit to such a thing, and in any event it is intrusive for anyone to assume they have any right to pry into such aspects of people's private lives, when there has been no questions of abuse, or anything like that, unless the former couple's both choose to come forward.
 
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grahamg said:
People used to say to me they'd like to hear my ex.'s views, (as to whether or not she played a role in alienating our child from me), but how likely do you think she might be to admit to such a thing, and in any event it is intrusive for anyone to assume they have any right to pry into such aspects of people's private lives, when there has been n questions of abuse, or anything like that, unless the former couple's both choose to come forward.
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Now that's what I call a run-on sentence. :D

Oh and P.S., if people don't want others to "pry", they shouldn't post their private business on a forum for discussion.
 
C'est Moi said:
Grahamg wrote:
"People used to say to me they'd like to hear my ex.'s views, (as to whether or not she played a role in alienating our child from me), but how likely do you think she might be to admit to such a thing, and in any event it is intrusive for anyone to assume they have any right to pry into such aspects of people's private lives, when there has been no questions of abuse, or anything like that, unless the former couple's both choose to come forward."

C'est Moi wrote
Now that's what I call a run-on sentence. :D

Oh and P.S., if people don't want others to "pry", they shouldn't post their private business on a forum for discussion.
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You had me scratching my head as to what a "run-on sentence" might be for a moment, (my excuse is I've been dealing with lawyers quite alot recently, and they can tend to do the same sometimes, with caveat after caveat included).

You may have misunderstood me a little though, in my convoluted sentence, because if someone comes forward to post something then no one is prying by reading and responding, unless questioning gets out of hand thereafter, but my warning about the tendency to pry into other peoples lives, I dont believe a stranger has a right to ask any of us who we might love for example.
 
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grahamg said:
You had me scratching my head as to what a "run-on sentence" might be for a moment, (my excuse is I've been dealing with lawyers quite alot recently, and they can tend to do the same sometimes, with caveat after caveat included).

You may have misunderstood me a little though, in my convoluted sentence, because if someone comes forward to post something then no one is prying by reading and responding, unless questioning gets out of hand thereafter, but my warning about the tendency to pry into other peoples lives, I dont believe a stranger has a right to ask any of us who we might love for example.
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The crux of this is that the OP (who has either run away or has no idea how to get back in, has gone MIA) railed against her children but gave us no background or examples about why they have become estranged. She wants suggestions for how she can remedy the situation. How can you give such an individual advice when you have no idea what went wrong in the first place?

Anyway, this is an exercise in futility, the OP is gone.
 
Catlady said:
The crux of this is that the OP (who has either run away or has no idea how to get back in, has gone MIA) railed against her children but gave us no background or examples about why they have become estranged. She wants suggestions for how she can remedy the situation. How can you give such an individual advice when you have no idea what went wrong in the first place?

Anyway, this is an exercise in futility, the OP is gone.
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You may describe this thread as an exercise in futility, and you may be correct, if by that you mean any advice offered wont be heeded, rather than anyone possibly learning something from the attitudes on display etc., or the general discussion, and any published information and links, such as these:

Quote: "Penny Cross. As the head of Match (Mothers Apart from their Children) she knows only too well that parental alienation is not a gender issue. She estimates that about 90% of the 1,500 Match members are living apart from their children due to alienation.

As a member of the Equal Parenting Coalition, Cross has met many men in the same position. She thinks the only way forward is for men and women to work together "to take power away from the hands of those who are chronically enraged".

Like many involved in that campaign, she thinks the emphasis should be on children and what is best for them. "Parent education is absolutely vital. You need to learn how to undo your marriage with the least possible harm to your children."

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/oct/01/law.theguardian

https://www.matchmothers.org/forum/user/1444-lucybrown?start=210

Or another website, this one in the USA set up by a father having difficulties over his one son twenty years ago:

https://www.akidsright.org/why-risk-arrest-for-family-rights/
 
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StarSong said:
Welcome to the forum, Babycakes!

I'm sorry to read of your struggles. Brokenness with our children is heartbreaking.

Please know that it's very difficult to offer advice without specific information. Here's what I do during difficult moments with my children - or anyone, for that matter, including people on this forum.

I take a long look at my own responsibility in our upset, apologize, take full ownership for my actions, work out how to not repeat the problem, and we moved forward.

Only when people sincerely understand where they went wrong and apologize for hurting you, can the relationship move forward.

Thinking of your children as "selfish and ungrateful" and yourself as sacrificial who "always put their needs ahead" of yours will get you nowhere. My guess is that they see their upbringing and your actions differently than you do.

Just as there are no perfect children, there are no perfect parents. I'd recommend a sincere effort toward understanding why they've estranged themselves, apologizing for your missteps, and trying to find a way toward peace and a relationship.
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Thanks for taking the time to reply...I realize what your saying and in most cases I would agree. I accept I’m not perfect..but refuse to accept responsibility for things I did not do. The older children have lied and repeat untruths to the younger ones...I don’t feel the need to deny lies. I’ve done my best and it is what it is.
 
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