Graham, for me, this post finally spells it out clearly. I haven't kept up very well because, frankly, I don't understand you very well (your writing, that is). No fault on either of us, just is what it is.
Obviously your daughter has been manipulated. Try to imagine the conversation that goes (or went) on in her mother's home between her mother and step-dad, and realize your daughter has had to listen to it before and after every single visit with you. I'll wager that when she said "Don't come again, Daddy" it was because she doesn't (or didn't) want to hear those conversations anymore. I'll wager they are (or were) extremely upsetting for her. And exhausting.
I gather she's an adult now? In which case: She must be tired of the drama; had enough of it (for 3 lifetimes, probably). Keep her out of it now. Shield her from any further drama. And by all means, don't strike back - none of this was her fault, and it's not her responsibility to make you (or her mother) feel better about any of it. Her only responsibility is to try and sort it out so that SHE can feel better, mainly about herself and her life.
It's awful that the courts and father's rights groups and everyone else involved let you down, and therefore let your daughter down as well. I can tell you it happens a LOT. Keep fighting for justice if you want, it's a good cause, I'll go so far as to say it's crucial, but keep your daughter out of it entirely. She's been adversely effected by the whole experience. The effects may always be there, but she needs to put that history to rest as best she can.
The above post didn't get the attention it deserved either earlier so I've reposted it again in full below:
Quote:
"Graham, for me, this post finally spells it out clearly. I haven't kept up very well because, frankly, I don't understand you very well (your writing, that is). No fault on either of us, just is what it is.
Obviously your daughter has been manipulated. Try to imagine the conversation that goes (or went) on in her mother's home between her mother and step-dad, and realize your daughter has had to listen to it before and after every single visit with you. I'll wager that when she said "Don't come again, Daddy" it was because she doesn't (or didn't) want to hear those conversations anymore. I'll wager they are (or were) extremely upsetting for her. And exhausting.
I gather she's an adult now? In which case: She must be tired of the drama; had enough of it (for 3 lifetimes, probably). Keep her out of it now. Shield her from any further drama. And by all means, don't strike back - none of this was her fault, and it's not her responsibility to make you (or her mother) feel better about any of it. Her only responsibility is to try and sort it out so that SHE can feel better, mainly about herself and her life.
It's awful that the courts and father's rights groups and everyone else involved let you down, and therefore let your daughter down as well. I can tell you it happens a LOT. Keep fighting for justice if you want, it's a good cause, I'll go so far as to say it's crucial, but keep your daughter out of it entirely. She's been adversely effected by the whole experience. The effects may always be there, but she needs to put that history to rest as best she can."
My comments:
I think I understand the "divided loyalties" I'd guess most children of divorced parents experience, and I believe I witnessed this in my child very early on in the aftermath of her mother and I parting, (so within the first year, (maybe the first six to nine months?).
I dont think I was let down by courts in the beginning, quite the reverse, (under legislation in place in the late 1980s in the UK), nor was I| let down by father's rights groups, (I'd never come across any fathers rights groups until at least four years after my contact with my daughter broke down in any event).
Putting what happened to me to one side I wish to make some broader comments, and relate some other stories for you now.
I know a man who has children from three relationships in his life, (so far, he's only seventy now, and has a girlfriend half his age, so there may be more to come!). He wasn't married to the mother of his first son, and didn't see so much of him whilst he grew up, though he carries his first name, and he probably sees more of this son than the son and daughter from his second relationship. He does not see his daughter from his third marriage/relationship at all now, and is totally estranged from her you'd have to say. All these children are doing very well in their lives, all are incredibly hard working like their father, so what is my point here? Well, I suppose you could argue he's been "good at moving on" to start with, and he is involved in family gatherings sometimes with the next generation occasionally, though I dont know how close they all are really. He was damned in relation to the daughter he never sees by the mother stating, "he'll only let her down again if he were allowed contact", (and this mother kidded herself she could keep from her daughter who the child's dad with, even though she's unmistakably the child of this man, and is like him in mannerisms, and every which way!). I dont envy him at all, but I do admire him in some ways for the strength of character of his children, and in many ways he is a very strong character, (though he'd have preferred a successful relationship with the daughter he never sees).
Obviously that's just one case I'm relating, but if you've ever attended any father's rights meetings in the UK you will get some understanding just how widespread the problems I'm describing really are.
Now a comment about the way this discussion deteriorated.
During my campaigning days I attended a couple of meetings, at Westminster, (so very close to our seat of government). At one meeting, attended by spokespeople for all three major UK political parties, one father who had custody of his two children, chose to insult all those of us there being denied any contact by declaring the law as it stands now isn't in need of change, and he went on and on for about half an hour denying others the opportunity to speak. One lady walked out of the meeting when this boring started to speak, (her name is Penny Cross, and I feel it is okay to mention her because she has a fairly high profile in the UK, and has set up a group for excluded mothers, plus written a book about the way she became totally estranged from all four of her children). Whatever reason this boring man had for inflicting his opinions upon the group of people gathered together, my opinion of him is that he was completely insensitive, ungrateful for the lucky position he found himself in, and I feel sorry for his ex., having married such a man. I mention all this because I wish to show the difficulties experienced by those parents groups trying to make positive changes, the way some try to derail everything because of their foolishness and insensitivity, and the difficulties those spokespeople for our major parties must have had witnessing the spectacle, this one man caused, undermining the rest of the people/parents/grandparents there, all calling for change.
