“I’m just being honest”

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
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I know a couple people like this. They are sometimes hurtful and think that’s ok because they “just being honest. “

I believe that you can be honest and ALSO be tactful, respectful, mindful of the feelings of others. I think it’s a cop out when you just shrug off the hurt feelings of another because, well, you’re being honest so it shouldn’t matter that you hurt another.

I disagree. I think it’s at best laziness or neglect. You just can’t be bothered taking the time to formulate your communication in the least hurtful way. Of course some people will get their feelings hurt no matter how tactful you are, so there is that.

But I think most people appreciate the tact, respect, mindfulness with which you communicate difficult things.
 

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Ronni said:
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I know a couple people like this. They are sometimes hurtful and think that’s ok because they “just being honest. “

I believe that you can be honest and ALSO be tactful, respectful, mindful of the feelings of others. I think it’s a cop out when you just shrug off the hurt feelings of another because, well, you’re being honest so it shouldn’t matter that you hurt another.

I disagree. I think it’s at best laziness or neglect. You just can’t be bothered taking the time to formulate your communication in the least hurtful way. Of course some people will get their feelings hurt no matter how tactful you are, so there is that.

But I think most people appreciate the tact, respect, mindfulness with which you communicate difficult things.
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Well, I disagree. Sugar coating does not have the same impact as direct honesty . And some folks just will not 'get it' without direct honesty. Euphemisms are IMO the start/the building blocks of political correctness, and political correctness is killing this country.
 
Does anyone ever tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Personally, I do not wish anyone to give me a sugar pill. Hit me with what is on your mind and I have more respect for you, rather than being a hypocrite to my face.No time for that!
 
i happen to think there is a middle ground between sugar coating/euphemisms and 'Brutal honesty'. I tend toward being 'tactful', and often often give people a 'face-saving' excuse when they are coming on full throttle aggressive. But there are a few things i find intolerable and i will say so as matter-of-factly without any embellishments of name calling or cusses for emphasis. Some take that as a weakness, just as many do about my tendency toward compassion and understanding. Big mistake if dealing with me to make those assumptions. (Tho there are a very limited number of situations in which making any assumptions about anyone are a good idea.)

Winston Churchill supposedly once said,

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”​

One thing i've learned from years of public contact work is that most people do not listen (or read) carefully. They are usually too busy thinking of what they are going to say/write next especially if they sense any hint of disagreement with their opinion or reluctance to give them their way about something. So it is true as @rgp and @Shero indicated too much 'tact' can obscure the most relevant components of your message. For myself, if is someone is generally inclined to share their opinions in aggressive and hostile language--the sooner i know that the better--because the less contact i will have with them.

Another thing i wanted to mention is one thing Ron L. Hubbard got right with his scale of emotions thing---is that it is very hard to 'get thru' to someone if you are too far away from them on emotional scale in the moment. He didn't discuss it in his book that i recall but you don't have to be genuinely angry to get thru to hostile person. You just have sound close enough to where they are. This why a calm, firm with hint of 'edge' voice will often have a more positive effect on a child acting out than the smarmy, overly sweet 'Now, honey' pleadings will. You state firmly what you expect and what the consequences will be if they don't comply. My kids called it 'the Mama voice' after observing me use it on other adults. In my 30's i could say 'Excuse me?' to someone being obnoxious in a tone of voice that even the most self-centered realized they were the one's that should be begging someone's pardon.

**Side note, less to the point: this emotional gauging thing i mentioned above is also why well-meaning family/friends can rarely get thru to someone in the first throes of 'love' and help them see their beloved more realistically, or to think rationally about their relationship.
 
Aunt Bea said:
Sometimes the truth matters and sometimes it doesn’t.

“Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” - Bernard Meltzer
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That quote is something i actually cite when people pull out the 'If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all' injunction. Sometimes people need to know their fly is open or their skirt is caught in top of their pantyhose, or something going on with their spouse or children that could cause problems. It may not be 'nice' or 'kind' to inform them but it is necessary and if done properly can be helpful.
 
officerripley said:
Great thread, Ronni, thanks for posting! Not too off-topic I hope, but another one I love (not) is somebody says something insulting and you try to call them on it and you get, "I was just kidding! Can't you take a joke?!" I think from now on--my Huzz does this to me sometimes--I'm gonna reply, "I can, but only good jokes." :p
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The 'just kidding' is pet peeve of mine, too. My frequent response is "like alcohol, humor often reveals people's true feeling because it tends to silence the social filters between brain and tongue." But when someone does it frequently i make note that they haven't got the guts to level with me, which suggests they know they're crossing a line with what they've said even if from their perspective they have a point.
 
I read in an article or somewhere some years ago that if someone said something insulting to you, to respond with, "What did you say?" And when they repeated what they said, say, "Could you say that one more time, please?" And supposedly with most people, this would make them think about what they had said and maybe regret it or at least realize that others had heard them, 2 or 3 times, say the mean thing and think less of them and that would supposedly either make them apologize or never try it with you again. But IDK: one person that I used to be acquainted with who was frequently saying insulting things to everybody ("That's stupid" or "Really?! Where in the world did you get that idea?!"); I really think if I had tried that with her, what I would have gotten back, "What, are you deaf as well as stupid?!"
 
officerripley said:
Great thread, Ronni, thanks for posting! Not too off-topic I hope, but another one I love (not) is somebody says something insulting and you try to call them on it and you get, "I was just kidding! Can't you take a joke?!" I think from now on--my Huzz does this to me sometimes--I'm gonna reply, "I can, but only good jokes." :p
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I knew someone who liked to insult people & when they called him on it, he'd say, "You're too sensitive."
 
officerripley said:
I read in an article or somewhere some years ago that if someone said something insulting to you, to respond with, "What did you say?" And when they repeated what they said, say, "Could you say that one more time, please?" And supposedly with most people, this would make them think about what they had said and maybe regret it or at least realize that others had heard them, 2 or 3 times, say the mean thing and think less of them and that would supposedly either make them apologize or never try it with you again. But IDK: one person that I used to be acquainted with who was frequently saying insulting things to everybody ("That's stupid" or "Really?! Where in the world did you get that idea?!"); I really think if I had tried that with her, what I would have gotten back, "What, are you deaf as well as stupid?!"
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There are people like that, doesn't take long to spot them--tho if in a work setting they can be a real problem, harder to avoid.
 
Paco Dennis said:

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”​


I was trying to imagine an example of this. I can't come up with a sentence that has this effect.?
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He may have been overstating, tho some people are so willfully ignorant that using euphemisms and PC language, one might manage it.

There are definitely phrases that are ambiguous that can be used to close out an unpleasant conversations.

"Bless your heart" can be sincere or can be 'you are a special kind of fool aren't you?' Southerners can tell by tone which is meant.
 
Along with the, "Just kidding," ending is the, "No offence" beginning. Anytime someone starts off with that I know I probably will be offended even though they ordered me not to.

Many of the, "I was just being truthful" people are only giving their opinion anyway, not great truths as they seem to think, and if that opinion is unasked for as well as hurtful, then there's really no excuse for it.

I knew someone who told me he'd been to see a friend in his new house. My friend thought, in the interest of truthfulness, he should tell him that all his decor was tacky. I thought that was just an awful thing to do.
 
Being honest is nice but so are good manners. As I grow older and older, I see less and less of good manners. To my way of thinking if you open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to your mind, you are a selfish person that doesn't care about other people's feelings. Sometimes, it is, according to what I think, best to let "water pass under the bridge" when something happens. You might use "honesty" as an excuse for saying whatever it is that comes to your mind but don't forget that kindness and using good judgement is also very important. Just keep using that "honesty" approach to your friends and pretty soon you might find that you "ain't got" any left.
 
feywon said:
He may have been overstating, tho some people are so willfully ignorant that using euphemisms and PC language, one might manage it.

There are definitely phrases that are ambiguous that can be used to close out an unpleasant conversations.

"Bless your heart" can be sincere or can be 'you are a special kind of fool aren't you?' Southerners can tell by tone which is meant.
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I like that one. :)
 
I once was asked by a neighbor of mine what I thought of her hairstyle. She said her friend had told her she looked awful. I myself wasn't crazy about her hairstyle but I said "The only thing that matters is how you feel about it,no one else's feeling about it matters." I think everyone should make their own choice.
 
feywon said:
iThis why a calm, firm with hint of 'edge' voice will often have a more positive effect on a child acting out than the smarmy, overly sweet 'Now, honey' pleadings will.
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I always talked to my kids like I would anyone else. One time when I took them grocery shopping, I noticed *all* the mothers were talking to their little kids in a super sweet, higher pitched voice. I thought, oh no, maybe I'm talking to the children the wrong way. Maybe I am supposed to be speaking like that. So I asked the kids. They liked my way of speaking to them just fine.
 
Ronni said:
View attachment 189822
I know a couple people like this. They are sometimes hurtful and think that’s ok because they “just being honest. “

I believe that you can be honest and ALSO be tactful, respectful, mindful of the feelings of others. I think it’s a cop out when you just shrug off the hurt feelings of another because, well, you’re being honest so it shouldn’t matter that you hurt another.

I disagree. I think it’s at best laziness or neglect. You just can’t be bothered taking the time to formulate your communication in the least hurtful way. Of course some people will get their feelings hurt no matter how tactful you are, so there is that.

But I think most people appreciate the tact, respect, mindfulness with which you communicate difficult things.
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I agree, and very often whoever it might be isn't even attempting to be honest at all!
 
WheatenLover said:
I always talked to my kids like I would anyone else. One time when I took them grocery shopping, I noticed *all* the mothers were talking to their little kids in a super sweet, higher pitched voice. I thought, oh no, maybe I'm talking to the children the wrong way. Maybe I am supposed to be speaking like that. So I asked the kids. They liked my way of speaking to them just fine.
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Me, too. My first hubby gave me all kinds of a grief about speaking in normal sentences to our boys, saying "They can't understand that." i asked him how he supposed children learned language, and please tell me at what magical age will they wake up understanding and speaking if no-one has talked to them except in 'baby talk' ("Who's my wittle sweetums?") ? That got him to back off.

There's nothing wrong with using terms of endearment or telling your kids why and how much you love them, but doing it in normal language is better for their language skills. Tho it can have unintended consequences: My daughter, having her older brothers as well as me talking to her in normal language, had quite an advanced vocabulary by time she entered Kindergarten. She also had a speech impediment--imagine my surprise when the school's speech therapist explained that it was because certain words were so far beyond the norm for her age level that her tongue and mouth had yet developed the dexterity to say them 'properly'. She could say them well enough to be understood and the therapist was impressed that she actually understood the meaning of the words she was using.
 

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