How does a person live alone and not get lonely?

I have always been a loner. However I do not dislike people, enjoy good conversation and do not avoid being around others. I just enjoy my time alone. I can think clearer with out any distractions alone in the quiet of my own thoughts. Plenty of time to think about whatever crosses my mind. It is one of my favorite things about being retired. I do not know about enjoying my own company but I am comfortable in my own skin.
 
mellowyellow said:
I think loneliness is the saddest, most destructive emotion and believe our culture is largely responsible. Look around at different cultures, they have large extended families and are rarely ever alone. We don’t. They don’t pack their oldies off into nursing homes. We do. I envy those who have never felt lonely, you’re very lucky IMO.
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I agree loneliness is very sad but I think we ourselves are responsible for our loneliness. We do have a choice....in fact, what and how we think and therefore how we feel is the only real choice we own and that can not be taken away from us..
I have had my Mom live with me and now I live with my daughter but when it comes to larger extended families I can't help but think there would/could be quite a few potential conflicts possible..??
 

fmdog44 said:
I have been a bachelor all of my life by choice. My dad lost my mother from a sudden heart attack and was lost for a period of time after. Then he started dating because he was lonely and I mean lonely. His life was a large family, met my mon a couple years after high school and was deeply in love with her and married he so when he found her dead on the kitchen floor it hit him in a way I will never know. He chose to start dating out of loneliness because life had become what he never knew. The key word is "chose" If life is a burden then try to change it by choosing to not complaining.
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Sometimes I am stuck in a rut and don't realize I have viable choices. I wanted to live separately from my husband for decades. But I could not do it. He needed me, which is absolutely true. I needed to be paid child support, which I highly doubt would have ever come to pass, and I didn't want to deprive my children of their father in any way. I also didn't want my children to be raised by other people while I worked at a very time intensive job. Plus, when we married, we promised each other we would never get divorced. That promise has been kept, and I don't know that it will ever be broken.

When I got cancer over a year ago, and started treatment, and considering Covid, I realized that I could move out of my home, and have one of my children live with me. I had to do it. There was no vaccine and my husband did not mask or take any precautions, and he went to stores and restaurants once or twice a day. My immune system was extremely weak. I was too sick to do much of anything, and the house was a germ pit. Household chores, cooking, dog care, and yard work are a woman's jobs, but I am married to a man who believes that, and refuses to temper his beliefs with reality, even when he is physically able.

So it was a good thing, in a way, that I moved out. I have not been happier in decades. True, I had originally planned to move South and buy a house, but that was no longer in the cards. I asked my husband to move back to our dear Southern city, out of concern and loyalty to him, but he said no, and I was secretly glad.

Now that that rut has been broken out of, I am starting to realize that I do have choices. I am not trapped.
 
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katlupe said:
I live alone with my pet rabbit in my apartment but I have friends right across the hall, upstairs and downstairs from me. So I can just go knock on a door if I ever wanted to talk to someone. My boyfriend calls me a zillion times a day and I keep doing what I am doing and put him on speaker. It is like he is here. My son comes here almost every day as he lives a block away. I have many friends and family on fakebook that I talk to every day. Plus I live downtown in a small city so I can just walk outside and there are people. The library is across the street and four parks are within walking distance. The arts council is one half of my building and they have Broadway shows, concerts, art classes, etc. all right there too. So no, I never am lonely.
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Oh my gosh, you live in paradise. I would love to live in a place that had plays, concerts, art classes and lots of stuff to do. I especially love attending plays. We have an amateur play group here, made of most young adults and children, who do a marvelous job. I especially enjoyed Seussical, my favorite of all time. We also have a community college that has an excellent theater group, and their plays are wonderful too. No professional theater groups nearby, unfortunately, because I love them too. Funnily enough, our community play group (made up of adults of all ages) puts on the most boring plays I have ever been to... except I will never admit that about the ones my daughter was in. I don't know who chooses the plays, but they have awful taste. You can tell by how the theater is never even nearly full.

I also love concerts, even though I've never been to a rock concert ... how I missed that boat, I'll never know. Guess I was too busy working, going to school, and raising kids. And classes ... I love to learn the techniques at least, of things I have no talent for but would love to dabble in just for myself.
 
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Nathan said:
Sounds familiar. A saying comes to mind: "the hearts wants what the heart wants."
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What comes to me is that I am screwed up in the head in this area, particularly. I think of this as a compulsion, or being drawn strongly to men who are not good for me, some kind of psychological problem. One that everyone can see, and if they told me, I denied it.

Being in denial is a real thing, I discovered when I had my triplets at 27 weeks. I didn't even believe they were about to be born. I literally truly thought they would be born on May 31st, no matter what the facts said, and until my primary nurse forced me to read a book about prematurity and its possible outcomes, I didn't even do that. I read the book, but knew, 100%, that none of that would happen to my babies. After they were born, I couldn't believe what I learned from this experience about denial. It definitely didn't seem to be a choice, whether it was or not somewhere in the murkiness of my mind.
 
I really love to watch u-tube videos. In fact, I could watch all day long because they cover every subject imaginable. I also exercise with them. There is so much out there we will never know, so much more we have yet to learn...U-tube can take you all over the world, into history, any subject you can think of etc etc etc...I love being with people but u-tube is also a 'friend' Then too we are so fortunate to have the internet where whatever question you think of the answer is available at your fingertips.. remember having to research in an encyclopedia??:rolleyes:
 
WheatenLover said:
Oh my gosh, you live in paradise. I would love to live in a place that had plays, concerts, art classes and lots of stuff to do. I especially love attending plays. We have an amateur play group here, made of most young adults and children, who do a marvelous job. I especially enjoyed Seussical, my favorite of all time. We also have a community college that has an excellent theater group, and their plays are wonderful too. No professional theater groups nearby, unfortunately, because I love them too. Funnily enough, our community play group (made up of adults of all ages) puts on the most boring plays I have ever been to... except I will never admit that about the ones my daughter was in.

I also love concerts, even though I've never been to a rock concert ... how I missed that boat, I'll never know. Guess I was too busy working, going to school, and raising kids. And classes ... I love to learn the techniques at least, of things I have no talent for but would love to dabble in just for myself.
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I agree, it sounds wonderful.
 
WheatenLover said:
friendship group
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Every time I go outdoors I easily find one. Aside from cooking, my one other hobby is watching sports. Every sporting event I attend is filled with people who like to chat about sports, especially with someone like me who played and coached for so many years. Just do those things you like rather than stay at home feeling sorry for yourself.

When I don't go outdoors, I take care of myself. I just finished eating a terrific dinner and watched the NFL on TV along with about 50 million others. Can't be lonely that way.

Self pity is nothing more than a sign of a low self esteem. If the thought of self care is too much for certain people, then let them seek medical attention or some other form of professional help.
 
Serenity4321 said:
I really love to watch u-tube videos. In fact, I could watch all day long because they cover every subject imaginable. I also exercise with them. There is so much out there we will never know, so much more we have yet to learn...U-tube can take you all over the world, into history, any subject you can think of etc etc etc...I love being with people but u-tube is also a 'friend' Then too we are so fortunate to have the internet where whatever question you think of the answer is available at your fingertips.. remember having to research in an encyclopedia??:rolleyes:
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Every time I decide to watch one youtube video, I end up staying up practically all night watching videos. So I try to avoid it, but that rarely works for long.
 
officerripley said:
Sounds like you're saying that at least some of those who feel a need to share their despair are immature to need to do so? So concentration camp victims who availed themselves of therapy after being liberated were immature to do so? So those who have lost family and other loved ones to murder, war, etc. and who availed themselves of therapy were immature to do so? So those (some of whom I've known personally) have been laid off after years of faithful service to a !@#$% corporation and who have availed themselves of therapy are immature to do so? I could go on, of course.
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On the contrary, I have said that seeking professional help rather than engaging in endless self pity is far more constructive.

Years ago I spent a weekend with an older couple who had a large cabin in Upstate NY. To make a long story short, I thought my friend's husband did not like me after she introduced me to him. Turns out I was wrong - the man cried for me out of sympathy for the terrible life I endured. The man knew what suffering was like because he survived one of Hitler's death camps. But as bad as his life was, he thought mine was worse than his because while he was tortured by Nazis he never knew what it was like to be tortured and nearly murdered twice by one's mother the way I was. Thus, my life was worse than his and worse than Hell. But to this day I refused to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have FAR more constructive things to do with my time. I not only preach it, I practice it as well.
 
WheatenLover said:
What comes to me is that I am screwed up in the head in this area, particularly. I think of this as a compulsion, or being drawn strongly to men who are not good for me, some kind of psychological problem. One that everyone can see, and if they told me, I denied it.
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Because this statement resonates so strongly with me, I feel obligated to comment: be kind to yourself and not judge, your path has been well traveled by others. Everyone has their unique origins, mine happens to be an issue with attachment....see Attachment Theory.
 
Serenity4321 said:
I have had my Mom live with me and now I live with my daughter but when it comes to larger extended families I can't help but think there would/could be quite a few potential conflicts possible..??
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The family would have to be a lot alike, I'd think. No people who hate social activities should live with party animals. Negative people should not live with positive people. Slobs should not live with neatniks. People who eat to live shouldn't live with cooks who live to feed people. People who cook should live with other people who cook - although I never have, it's a fantasy. Everyone should chip in and help to the best of their ability -- no gender roles for the chores. People should be able to laugh and joke around and enjoy themselves in their own homes. Loners should be able to be alone to recharge and enjoy being by themselves without masses of people intruding on their "me time". The house would have to be well-decorated. Not maximally, just pretty and comfy.

Personally, I like being a neatnik. Pack rats can cram their bedrooms with stuff and keep the door closed so I don't donate things by accident.
I love a good party, so people who hate socializing can't live with me. I like keeping a pretty happy outlook on life, encouraging people, etc. I love feeding people who love to eat, and I love the idea of living with people who love to cook and bake (and do it well). I am not fond of grumps unless it is their shtick (clowning around, teasing). I like people who love to try new things, love animals, love smiling, love exploring, etc. I don't like people who say, "You are always smiling". So what, it's a good thing! I especially love people who clean up after themselves, and properly - a place for everything, and everything in its place. Not to Felix Unger's specifications - I am not a total stickler, but most of the people I know are either over-cluttered or slobs. I hate clutter, but I like a few well-placed decorations that I love (mostly art hanging on walls).

Now, how to find that all in one large extended family, there's the rub. I don't think pack rats, total loners, negative people, people who eat to live, etc., would particularly like living with me. Vegetarians wouldn't mind, but vegans would. Also the ones who live with me have to not be gluttons. I don't want to be accused of making anyone fat just because they can't control their portion sizes. That has happened. I refuse to be responsible.

I always wanted to live in a commune. But everyone would have to be neat, clean, and tidy. And do work to bring in income. And share chores equally. And have private living quarters, although dining and cooking and cleaning up after would be communal. Of course, I was young and idealistic then (in my 20s). I planned to have a bakery. I didn't realize then how hard the work was. Especially for me, who is usually too lazy to bake, which is why I still fit through all doorways. I love my own baked goods and fudge and chocolate pudding, unfortunately, and I don't control my portion sizes.,,ever. In my head, baking is a time-consuming chore. When I actually do it, it doesn't take much time. But I keep in mind the time-consuming thing, and my laziness shouts Yeah!
 
WheatenLover said:
The family would have to be a lot alike, I'd think. No people who hate social activities should live with party animals. Negative people should not live with positive people. Slobs should not live with neatniks. People who eat to live shouldn't live with cooks who live to feed people. People who cook should live with other people who cook - although I never have, it's a fantasy. Everyone should chip in and help to the best of their ability -- no gender roles for the chores. People should be able to laugh and joke around and enjoy themselves in their own homes. Loners should be able to be alone to recharge and enjoy being by themselves without masses of people intruding on their "me time". The house would have to be well-decorated. Not maximally, just pretty and comfy.

Personally, I like being a neatnik. Pack rats can cram their bedrooms with stuff and keep the door closed so I don't donate things by accident.
I love a good party, so people who hate socializing can't live with me. I like keeping a pretty happy outlook on life, encouraging people, etc. I love feeding people who love to eat, and I love the idea of living with people who love to cook and bake (and do it well). I am not fond of grumps unless it is their shtick (clowning around, teasing). I like people who love to try new things, love animals, love smiling, love exploring, etc. I don't like people who say, "You are always smiling". So what, it's a good thing! I especially love people who clean up after themselves, and properly - a place for everything, and everything in its place. Not to Felix Unger's specifications - I am not a total stickler, but most of the people I know are either over-cluttered or slobs. I hate clutter, but I like a few well-placed decorations that I love (mostly art hanging on walls).

Now, how to find that all in one large extended family, there's the rub. I don't think pack rats, total loners, negative people, people who eat to live, etc., would particularly like living with me. Vegetarians wouldn't mind, but vegans would. Also the ones who live with me have to not be gluttons. I don't want to be accused of making anyone fat just because they can't control their portion sizes. That has happened. I refuse to be responsible.

I always wanted to live in a commune. But everyone would have to be neat, clean, and tidy. And do work to bring in income. And share chores equally. And have private living quarters, although dining and cooking and cleaning up after would be communal. Of course, I was young and idealistic then (in my 20s). I planned to have a bakery. I didn't realize then how hard the work was. Especially for me, who is usually too lazy to bake, which is why I still fit through all doorways. I love my own baked goods and fudge and chocolate pudding, unfortunately, and I don't control my portion sizes.,,ever. In my head, baking is a time-consuming chore. When I actually do it, it doesn't take much time. But I keep in mind the time-consuming thing, and my laziness shouts Yeah!
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Enjoying your post Wheaten and like you I cannot live in a huge extended family situation. During our travels we were invited to spend a few days with an Indonesian family, wonderful, wonderful people. Five generations living in a huge compound and never a dull moment, lots of love and food in abundance,but at the end of the stay, I was dying for privacy!!
 
Nathan said:
Because this statement resonates so strongly with me, I feel obligated to comment: be kind to yourself and not judge, your path has been well traveled by others. Everyone has their unique origins, mine happens to be an issue with attachment....see Attachment Theory.
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I think attachment figures into mine, too. I was raised on Air Force bases, and that means leaving friends frequently, and learning to welcome new friends at the next place, then leaving them. Kind of a don't get *too* attached situation - it only leads to a child's heartbreak. Grades K-12, I attended 12 different schools. There are a lot of Service Brats who agree with this. Friends mean a lot, but not way too much. I could easily move from here, where I do have lots of friends, but frankly, I might not miss them all that much. After all these years, September still feels like the beginning of the year - we moved a lot in September (after school had started in the new place). I always get the urge to move in September. I don't, though.

When I was a kid, I used to think how lucky children were who lived in the same place, the same house, and had the same friends all through school, and who had tons of family living near them. But when my dad did get out of the service, it felt strange to be living among the civilians (as we called non-military families). We were so used to moving and meeting new friends that it was boring to live civilian life. The culture was completely different and hard to get used to.

To this day, my sibling and I rarely talk to one another. It is understood that we love each other and will do anything for each other. We are not big on asking for help, but if it was needed, we would give it, no questions asked. My brother is still miffed at me for not moving to Georgia to have my kids, but he's likely well over it now. Having his only niece and nephews be Yankees doesn't sit well with him. He envisioned a life near them, teaching them to hunt, use guns safely, eat grits, be good old boys plus one Southern lady, and so forth. His daughter learned to hunt at age 7, and bagged her first deer on her first trip. My kids were raised in an area in which if you hunted, it was a secret from non-hunters. Very liberal. Very progressive. Not authoritarian. Very different from the South. His motto is "American by birth, Southern by the grace of God". I think he saw it on a t-shirt.

I still love the South, and have been wanting to move back there ever since I left. My biggest marriage advice now is never leave a place you love, a job you love, friends and family you love, to take on a whole new life with none of those things. If someone doesn't share your vision of a wonderful life, don't marry them.
 
Shero said:
Enjoying your post Wheaten and like you I cannot live in a huge extended family situation. During our travels we were invited to spend a few days with an Indonesian family, wonderful, wonderful people. Five generations living in a huge compound and never a dull moment, lots of love and food in abundance,but at the end of the stay, I was dying for privacy!!
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I would have enjoyed it, but been dying for privacy, too, after awhile. It sounds like fun, but man, it includes too many opportunities for over-stimulation. I like being alone, as well as being with lots of people, but the alone time is pretty important to me. I figure I'm about 1/2 introvert and 1/2 extrovert. Right now, being away from people is something I don't dwell on.
 
oldiebutgoody said:
Whenever I get on the city bus the first thing some young person says to me is, "Sir, would you like to have my seat?" I am very happy to accept their offer.
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Our "city buses" take 1.5 to 2 hours to go 5 miles. No kidding. I never ride them, but my kids did a few times when I wasn't able to give them a ride. This is a small town of 12,000 people.
 
oldiebutgoody said:
Every time I go outdoors I easily find one. Aside from cooking, my one other hobby is watching sports. Every sporting event I attend is filled with people who like to chat about sports, especially with someone like me who played and coached for so many years. Just do those things you like rather than stay at home feeling sorry for yourself.

When I don't go outdoors, I take care of myself. I just finished eating a terrific dinner and watched the NFL on TV along with about 50 million others. Can't be lonely that way.

Self pity is nothing more than a sign of a low self esteem. If the thought of self care is too much for certain people, then let them seek medical attention or some other form of professional help.
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Self-pity keeps people from moving forward, from making changes that can be scary. I no longer engage in it, to the very best of my ability. I can't think of anything right now that I pity myself about. The best lesson I learned, so far, is to live in the present. The past can't be changed, and no matter what, the future is unknown. I've learned that in the past, but this time it seems to have stuck. If I falter, I think of something else, in the present.
 
WheatenLover said:
Self-pity keeps people from moving forward, from making changes that can be scary. I no longer engage in it, to the very best of my ability. I can't think of anything right now that I pity myself about. The best lesson I learned, so far, is to live in the present. The past can't be changed, and no matter what, the future is unknown. I've learned that in the past, but this time it seems to have stuck. If I falter, I think of something else, in the present.
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see especially Step 4 @ 1:55 ~ stop complaining as self pity just doesn't work
 
WheatenLover said:
I would have enjoyed it, but been dying for privacy, too, after awhile. It sounds like fun, but man, it includes too many opportunities for over-stimulation. I like being alone, as well as being with lots of people, but the alone time is pretty important to me. I figure I'm about 1/2 introvert and 1/2 extrovert. Right now, being away from people is something I don't dwell on.
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My daughter and, family, wanted me to come live with them due to my husband’s recent meltdown; if only I could live near them, not with them. But Joey keeps me here. Finances keep with my husband.

I could not live with them though. Five yapping poodles every minute of every day would drive me nuts, and they wouldn’t let me “do” anything. You’d think I was old and disabled. 😂. I tried to do stuff when I was there and it was always “sit down”. 🤦🏻‍♀️

We have so much in common from what I read, @WheatenLover 😍. I’ve enjoyed what you have written as well. I consider myself 1/3 introvert, 1/3 extrovert, and 1/3 I want to hide in a closet and scream a lot. 🙄
 
WheatenLover said:
Self-pity keeps people from moving forward, from making changes that can be scary. I no longer engage in it, to the very best of my ability. I can't think of anything right now that I pity myself about. The best lesson I learned, so far, is to live in the present. The past can't be changed, and no matter what, the future is unknown. I've learned that in the past, but this time it seems to have stuck. If I falter, I think of something else, in the present.
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Well, the future can be predicated based on past events so I disagree.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Well, the future can be predicated based on past events so I disagree.
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So X predicts his future based on past events. Then he gets crushed by a bus. The unexpected can happen, right out of the blue. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not good. Predictions of the future are not the same as knowledge of the future. Wish it were so, especially with investments.
 
Aneeda72 said:
We have so much in common from what I read, @WheatenLover 😍. I’ve enjoyed what you have written as well. I consider myself 1/3 introvert, 1/3 extrovert, and 1/3 I want to hide in a closet and scream a lot. 🙄
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Thank you, Aneeda. I fully understand wanting to hide in the closet and scream a lot. I'd have trouble dealing with 5 yapping poodles. I'm assuming since they yap, they must be small, cute, and smart.

I don't like being told by my kids that I can't do something. I also get tired of my daughter asking me to teach Aidan not to bark. Been there, haven't succeeded.
 

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