Family doesn't have to. We have LTCi policies, and we plan to eventually sell our SFH and downsize to a CCRC (continuing care retirement community). We've been doing our homework on retirement/eldercare issues for the last 15 yrs, lol. We had 7 yrs of "practice" with my DH's mother, as follows:
My widowed MIL lived with us from 2006, when she sold her beloved home, but it was never an optimal place for her. We had to eventually face the reality of her moderate dementia. She kept saying, "Oh, those are places you go to die. I'll know when I'm ready to go into one!"
But she DIDN'T know. She couldn't; she could manage day-to-day small things, but she had lost the ability to handle her finances or legal issues. Making decisions was anxiety-producing and stressful.
We could not, and refused to, make promises that would eventually be against her best interests. Those decisions weren't easy for us to make. But she needed what we could not give her, and we had to acknowledge that. To do otherwise was unfair to her.
After over a year of intense research into nearby Asst. Living/full nursing facilities, in Nov 2013 she moved into a nearby facility we had selected. At first reluctant, within a month she was in love with her sunny bright studio, her new furniture, the excellent food (on a schedule that never changed, unlike how we eat), the wonderful staff, the many residents who considered her "the young one" - at age 85!
She became a whiz at bingo and bocce ball, surprising everyone. Her friends and family commented to us that it was the first time since her husband died, that they had seen her return to her previous good spirits. We visited every week, met her new friends, ate meals with her in the dining room or took her out for Asian food. Christmas 2014 my whole family came to the Xmas lunch buffet and we had a table for twenty. She was so happy and proud, showing her apartment off and telling them about how busy she was every day with the many activities.
She died unexpectedly in March 2015. She was still in Asst Lvg, with what's called Level 1 help (medication management and bathing assistance). It is amazing and touching how many people at the facility, both staff and residents, have come up to us to say how special she was, and much they will miss her laughter and cheerfulness.
It took us a year to find the right facility for my MIL. It is not something one should contemplate lightly. It is not just what the foyer looks like, or what the sales reps promise. It involves spending time and researching everything, from the facility's reputation/state quality ranking/finances/staff turnover, to how the night staff acts towards residents.
When we visited facilities, we asked to see everything, including the Memory Care and Skilled Nursing units. We investigated the staff turnover ratios, and checked how well the facility was rated by both federal and state guidelines.
Jumping into the facility nearest to one's home, or because the sales literature promises everything your heart desires, is like picking a doctor or lawyer by throwing a dart at an open phonebook. You might be lucky, but the chances are equally good you might not.
The lesson we took away from my MIL's senior years was: so many Boomers make the promise of "Okay, we'll never put you in a home." What they don't realize is that sometimes one's home is NOT always the best place.
All of us need not only family, but also friends - people that share common interests, who are willing to discuss today's weather for 20 minutes every morning, to share sudoku games and TV's "Jeopardy" show. Who can remember the same old songs. Who know what it's like to be old and a little scared of what the future might bring.
When you think about life as an elder, remember that all four "legs of the chair" - health, legal, financial, and social - are equally important. Going early (if 85 can be considered 'early') to a facility meant MIL was still active and could make new friends, even learn new things.
We are grateful that the last year of her life was one of the happiest, and that we were right to stand firm and make what was truly the best decision for her.
