Got a Case of the Lonelies, Anyone Else?

hollydolly said:
There's plenty of forums and websites for those who are widowed... but there's just nothing for people who have lost their spouses through divorce.. I mean a grieving website.. because losing a spouse this way, but separation or divorce, causes as much grief very often.. if not actually more.. yet there's so very little available for people who are in this position..
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I agree. When a spouse has passed, that is the end of it. In a divorce the other spouse is still around and can become a PITA. I know from personal experience.
 

hollydolly said:
There's plenty of forums and websites for those who are widowed... but there's just nothing for people who have lost their spouses through divorce.. I mean a grieving website.. because losing a spouse this way, but separation or divorce, causes as much grief very often.. if not actually more.. yet there's so very little available for people who are in this position..
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It seems to be the same for face-to-face groups. Although there are few of any kind of face2face support groups around here anymore, when there were there were widowhood groups but none for divorcees.
 
When you tell people you're lonely, it can be difficult for them to relate because they haven't really experienced it in the truest sense. At least that's what I've found. They tell you to "get out." There are plenty of people to meet, "just get out there". As I've said before, the pandemic has put a real hitch in my giddy-up and I'm still not comfortable being around groups of people. Even without the restrictions of COVID, it's difficult to meet people and make friends at this age. Also, when you tell people you're lonely, they think there's something wrong with you, lol, they just don't get it. Since my husband died and many of my family and friends have also passed away, I often find myself lonely.

Last year I had a lot going on with home repairs, including the installation of a new well. I don't want to get into it too much because there's too much to tell. During that time, I reconnected with a very good (platonic) old friend from high school. Between almost daily emails and occasional phone conversations, this man kept me alive through the hell I was living. It was a great feeling and a relief to have someone to "talk" to about what was going on. Sadly, he wasn't in good health and was in and out of the hospital. He contracted mono and then COVID on top of it. Several months ago, he called me from the hospital to let me know he'd be out of touch for a little while, so I wouldn't worry when I didn't hear from him. That was the last conversation we had. He died. I was and still am devastated.

When he died, I felt lost and did a search for senior forums, which is what brought me here. It's not the same as having personal interactions, but it helps a great deal. We're at that age where many of us have lost spouses, family and friends. I also lost my beloved elkhound, my darling furbaby, Shana. SF is a good place to find some comfort with others who know what you're going through.

I really don't want to go through the rest of my life alone and would love to have more friends. It would be so nice to have a companion to spend time with and do things with. Just having a meal together or watching TV would be lovely. I'd like to find someone to love who'd love me back, but I have my doubts about that happening. Like I said, I don't go out as I once did because COVID is still happening and will be for the foreseeable future, and that severely limits the possibilities of meeting someone. I'm not dead yet, so I still have a modicum of hope. In the meantime, I'll do the best I can, and I know the rest of you will too. It's nice to know that we're here for each other.

Well, I've gone on for quite a bit, haven't I? 😊 Hugs to all!

Bella ✌️
 

@hollydolly - Hols, I did a search and found these places. I don't know if it's what you need or are looking for but it's something. I haven't check them out but you can. 😘

Best Online Divorce Support Groups > https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-divorce-support-groups-4802209

10 Best Online Divorce Support Groups to Approach > https://www.calmsage.com/best-online-divorce-support-groups/

Online Divorce Support Groups and Chat Rooms > https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorce_Support_Online

Bella ✌️
 
Bella said:
@hollydolly - Hols, I did a search and found these places. I don't know if it's what you need or are looking for but it's something. I haven't check them out but you can. 😘

Best Online Divorce Support Groups > https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-divorce-support-groups-4802209

10 Best Online Divorce Support Groups to Approach > https://www.calmsage.com/best-online-divorce-support-groups/

Online Divorce Support Groups and Chat Rooms > https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorce_Support_Online

Bella ✌️
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thanks so much Bella..I've had a quick look at all of them, and bookmarked them to look at when I get more time... (y)
 
Bella said:
When you tell people you're lonely, it can be difficult for them to relate because they haven't really experienced it in the truest sense. At least that's what I've found. They tell you to "get out." There are plenty of people to meet, "just get out there". As I've said before, the pandemic has put a real hitch in my giddy-up and I'm still not comfortable being around groups of people. Even without the restrictions of COVID, it's difficult to meet people and make friends at this age. Also, when you tell people you're lonely, they think there's something wrong with you, lol, they just don't get it. Since my husband died and many of my family and friends have also passed away, I often find myself lonely.
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This is all so true, so true. I hear that some other countries are starting to address the loneliness issue, especially for the elderly, but not the U.S. it doesn't appear. As you've said, there seems to be a real stigma of "if you're lonely, it's your own fault!" And sure, sometimes it is the lonely person's own fault, but not always. It's like with those that don't understand, I guess they think that they and their families and their friends are all going to live and be healthy forever; human nature maybe.
 
Bella said:
When you tell people you're lonely, it can be difficult for them to relate because they haven't really experienced it in the truest sense. At least that's what I've found. They tell you to "get out." There are plenty of people to meet, "just get out there".
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First of all Bella..I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend, coming right after the death of your husband as well must have been horrendous for you.. just the deepest heartbreak ever even tho' your friend was platonic, he saved you from the hell pit of deep depression.. and that loss must have taken your legs from under you.. 🤗🤗... this last year if it hadn't been for some really understanding, loyal and trustworthy friends here behind the scenes .. who just nursed me through month after month..day after day , and some outside therapy for the first time in my life .. I wouldn't have made it through , and that's not being dramatic, I was never in my life at such a low Ebb... . I'm still not right now.. but things will evntually pass.. I just think being alone, is not helping at all...which brings me to..

your post......When you tell people you're lonely, it can be difficult for them to relate because they haven't really experienced it in the truest sense. At least that's what I've found. They tell you to "get out." There are plenty of people to meet, "just get out there".....is exactly word for word what people tell me to do... my daughter is like a broken record saying it... she's just not getting it.. and she doesn't want to hear me saying I'm lonely, because she tells me I should just go out and talk to people.. so I have to pretend everything is ok... ...

She doesn't realise that alone it's hard to ''meet people''...when I no longer work.. and because my friends were ''our friends'' by and large so their loyalties are split... try and make new friends when one lives rurally.. and there are no clubs to join..( not that I'm a club person) ..but even my own female friends are not as comfortable having me near their husbands without my own being there...like I'd be after theirs???..I wouldn't but ..it just makes everything so much harder to come to terms with living alone..
 
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I gotta go back and start at the first post because I was just thinking about this while playing in the dirt this morning. There are people around...DD, DSIL, DGD, people at work...but I still get lonely sometimes. DH was a social butterfly and I mostly just followed along behind. He's been gone for years, and I'm not a social butterfly so that leaves me pretty much without friends.

In any case, making late-in-life friends isn't an easy thing to do. "Get out there and meet people" isn't helpful. Get out where? Hang out in a bar? A coffee shop? Assume that the Church would be delighted to have me back even though their rules and laws are what drove me away in the first place?

Most older people already have their own circle of friends; being welcomed into an established group isn't likely to happen.

Family is nice and co-workers are nice. It's not the same thing as having a "personal person" and friends. It's not just DH who's dead; most of my friends are dead, too, and in any case, the ones who are left live back in my hometown...1200 miles away.

ETA: IOW, y'all are my friends now, like it or not! I like keeping track of what you're doing, where you went, what you bought shopping, what's for supper...
 
hollydolly said:
There's plenty of forums and websites for those who are widowed... but there's just nothing for people who have lost their spouses through divorce.. I mean a grieving website.. because losing a spouse this way, by separation or divorce, causes as much grief very often.. if not actually more.. yet there's so very little available for people who are in this position..
Click to expand...
I've never been married but I think this is very true. I had a co-worker with a large circle of friends. She was married to an attorney. After the divorce many of these "friends" just dropped her. She sent cards and even gifts during the holidays and got nothing in reply. It was very hard for her for a number of years. She finally moved away back to her home state and met a guy. We've lost contact but I hope she's doing OK.
 
Bella said:
When you tell people you're lonely, it can be difficult for them to relate because they haven't really experienced it in the truest sense. At least that's what I've found. They tell you to "get out." There are plenty of people to meet, "just get out there". As I've said before, the pandemic has put a real hitch in my giddy-up and I'm still not comfortable being around groups of people. Even without the restrictions of COVID, it's difficult to meet people and make friends at this age. Also, when you tell people you're lonely, they think there's something wrong with you, lol, they just don't get it. Since my husband died and many of my family and friends have also passed away, I often find myself lonely.

Last year I had a lot going on with home repairs, including the installation of a new well. I don't want to get into it too much because there's too much to tell. During that time, I reconnected with a very good (platonic) old friend from high school. Between almost daily emails and occasional phone conversations, this man kept me alive through the hell I was living. It was a great feeling and a relief to have someone to "talk" to about what was going on. Sadly, he wasn't in good health and was in and out of the hospital. He contracted mono and then COVID on top of it. Several months ago, he called me from the hospital to let me know he'd be out of touch for a little while, so I wouldn't worry when I didn't hear from him. That was the last conversation we had. He died. I was and still am devastated.

When he died, I felt lost and did a search for senior forums, which is what brought me here. It's not the same as having personal interactions, but it helps a great deal. We're at that age where many of us have lost spouses, family and friends. I also lost my beloved elkhound, my darling furbaby, Shana. SF is a good place to find some comfort with others who know what you're going through.

I really don't want to go through the rest of my life alone and would love to have more friends. It would be so nice to have a companion to spend time with and do things with. Just having a meal together or watching TV would be lovely. I'd like to find someone to love who'd love me back, but I have my doubts about that happening. Like I said, I don't go out as I once did because COVID is still happening and will be for the foreseeable future, and that severely limits the possibilities of meeting someone. I'm not dead yet, so I still have a modicum of hope. In the meantime, I'll do the best I can, and I know the rest of you will too. It's nice to know that we're here for each other.

Well, I've gone on for quite a bit, haven't I? 😊 Hugs to all!

Bella ✌️
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Thanks for sharing your life with us. We'll always be here for you. I am so sorry that you lost that friend. 😔
 
hollydolly said:
but even my own female friends are not as comfortable having me near their husbands without my own being there...like I'd be after theirs???..I wouldn't but ..it just makes everything so much harder to come to terms with living alone..
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I know what you mean. When my first marriage ended in divorce, a co-worker told me, "Hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but you're going to lose all your female, married friends. Unless you and any of them were friends before either of you got married." And she was right. And it's as you said about the married ones not wanting a single gal around their husbands; plus, I've heard married gals say that their husbands didn't want them spending any time with a divorced female friend in case this "being divorced thing was contagious."
 
Georgiagranny said:
I gotta go back and start at the first post because I was just thinking about this while playing in the dirt this morning. There are people around...DD, DSIL, DGD, people at work...but I still get lonely sometimes. DH was a social butterfly and I mostly just followed along behind. He's been gone for years, and I'm not a social butterfly so that leaves me pretty much without friends.

In any case, making late-in-life friends isn't an easy thing to do. "Get out there and meet people" isn't helpful. Get out where? Hang out in a bar? A coffee shop? Assume that the Church would be delighted to have me back even though their rules and laws are what drove me away in the first place?

Most older people already have their own circle of friends; being welcomed into an established group isn't likely to happen.

Family is nice and co-workers are nice. It's not the same thing as having a "personal person" and friends. It's not just DH who's dead; most of my friends are dead, too, and in any case, the ones who are left live back in my hometown...1200 miles away.

ETA: IOW, y'all are my friends now, like it or not! I like keeping track of what you're doing, where you went, what you bought shopping, what's for supper...
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Another so-true post; you all get it (as the kids put it, lol).
 
Remy said:
I've never been married but I think this is very true. I had a co-worker with a large circle of friends. She was married to an attorney. After the divorce many of these "friends" just dropped her. She sent cards and even gifts during the holidays and got nothing in reply. It was very hard for her for a number of years. She finally moved away back to her home state and met a guy. We've lost contact but I hope she's doing OK.
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I kept trying to reply to this in the same post (#89) where I replied to what hollydolly said about this but it didn't work, sigh. Anyway, as I said in #89, this is so common for divorced women. Both divorce and widowhood don't seem to work the same way for men, everybody's trying to matchmake them up with somebody; female divorcees and widows seem to get forgotten about a lot faster.
 
hollydolly said:
...but even my own female friends are not as comfortable having me near their husbands without my own being there...like I'd be after theirs???..I wouldn't but ..it just makes everything so much harder to come to terms with living alone..
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officerripley said:
I know what you mean. When my first marriage ended in divorce, a co-worker told me, "Hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but you're going to lose all your female, married friends. Unless you and any of them were friends before either of you got married." And she was right. And it's as you said about the married ones not wanting a single gal around their husbands; plus, I've heard married gals say that their husbands didn't want them spending any time with a divorced female friend in case this "being divorced thing was contagious."
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This also applies to widows. I have no interest in anyone's significant other. The wife gives you the snake eye if you're in the same room with him, lol. God forbid he should engage you or you should engage him in conversation. The women swoop in like they're protecting their baby from being ravaged by a carnivorous predator, lol. I don't and never have snacked on other women's men! :rolleyes:

Bella ✌️
 
Bella said:
This also applies to widows. I have no interest in anyone's significant other. The wife gives you the snake eye if you're in the same room with him, lol. God forbid he should engage you or you should engage him in conversation. The women swoop in like they're protecting their baby from being ravaged by a carnivorous predator, lol. I don't and never have snacked on other women's men! :rolleyes:

Bella ✌️
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I've had this happen when I was in my 2nd marriage. Some women seem to really watch their husbands.
 
Bella said:
This also applies to widows. I have no interest in anyone's significant other. The wife gives you the snake eye if you're in the same room with him, lol. God forbid he should engage you or you should engage him in conversation. The women swoop in like they're protecting their baby from being ravaged by a carnivorous predator, lol. I don't and never have snacked on other women's men! :rolleyes:

Bella ✌️
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Nor me ..unlike the evil w*** who went after my husband
 
Tish said:
Yes, please.
When I get a tad lonely, I get the dog and we go for a walk, she always attracts people.
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see, my DD keeps telling me to get a dog.. being the dog lover she is.. and has 3, but I don't want to at this time of my life.. I don't want to be tied down , I want to be able to get up and go somewhere at a whim and not worry about the dog... maybe when I can't travel anymore, I will but not now..
 
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hollydolly said:
see, my DD keeps telling me to get a dog.. being the dog lover she is.. and has 3, but I don't want to at this time of my life.. I don't want to be tied down , I want to be able to get up and go somewhere at a whim and now worry about the dog... maybe when I can't travel anymore, I will but not now..
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I get that. I've considered getting another pet, but it's a responsibility that I just can't deal with right now. Pets take a lot of time, attention, and energy, especially if you get a young one. I also worry about it being properly socialized since I haven't had many people to my home except repair men and a couple of my cousins/friends since the pandemic started.

I feel as though the poor thing would be locked away without much other social contact, and that ain't good. It's different for a pet you've had for a long time, they've already been properly socialized. So, perhaps in the future, I'll see if I can work it out to get another furry companion. I'd really like to. I miss my little fuzzface. 🐶

Bella ✌️
 
Bella said:
I get that. I've considered getting another pet, but it's a responsibility that I just can't deal with right now. Pets take a lot of time, attention, and energy, especially if you get a young one. I also worry about it being properly socialized since I haven't had many people to my home except repair men and a couple of my cousins/friends since the pandemic started. I feel as though the poor thing would be locked away without much other social contact, and that ain't good. It's different for a pet you've had for a long time, they've already been properly socialized. So, perhaps in the future, I'll see if I can work it out to get another little furry companion. I'd really like to. I miss my little fuzzface. 🐶

Bella ✌️
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currently I get my Pooch fix vicariously through DD... she even put them on the phone.. :ROFLMAO:
 
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