Cutting ties with toxic people in your life. Sometimes it is necessary, even with relatives.

Oh yes, I've cut ties with family members over the years. Have I regretted it? No, only the fact it was the only recourse I had. Sad and disappointing, but at least it stopped the hurtfulness from continuing.

And a few friends I thought were friends, turned out to be short term buddies. Being used is not something I tolerate well. Tough decisions are often the best ones made.

Again, it's sad but being hurt by slights and insincere folks is unnecessary. Better to find and keep people you value and trust.
 

I had a very close friend that I have known since (1971). We have kept in contact by phone through all these years even though we both moved around a lot. We found we both had a similar illness and we chose to try and help each other through it. For the most part we each worked a spiritual program that is designed to help people deal with this particular illness. Every time we spoke, sometimes for hours it gave us a both a boost in our resolve to get through it .

About two years ago things changed. Once again my friend began to succumb to the illness. I tried to help my friend get back on track but it was to no avail. After that the conversations began to make me feel emotionally drained sometimes for days. I found myself being pulled down into abyss of the illness once again. This was not good for either one of us so I had to cut my friend loose or succumb to the illness myself.

My friend knows in their heart what needs to be done to heal and that will power is never enough to avert this illness. I am not happy about it but I had to let my friend go or relapse myself. Alive I can help others. Dead I am not much good to anyone. I compare the misery of this illness with crabs stuck in bucket. When one crab tries to escape the other crabs still stuck in the bucket will keep pulling it back in. I did not want to return to being stuck in that bucket . To survive I had to let her go.
 
I came from a strange family. My grandparents were nuts and only my Uncle Frank was kind to me and my Mom named me after him. My Mom passed away when I was 7yrs old. My Uncle did everything for me, my sister, and my brother. My cousin his daughter Sassycakes even told me to join this forum. I really enjoy it here and I always thank her for making me try it here. I was the only cousin that even talked to her. Our grandparents hated her Mom yet her Mom always made my Uncle Frank see his parents. I still remember her family, not being invited to eat dinner with the family they had to sit in the living room and not be allowed in the dining room. On Christmas when my grandmother gave the grandchildren their gifts Sassy and her brother and sister never got anything.I admire my cousin.
 
Frank Smith said:
I came from a strange family. My grandparents were nuts and only my Uncle Frank was kind to me and my Mom named me after him. My Mom passed away when I was 7yrs old. My Uncle did everything for me, my sister, and my brother. My cousin his daughter Sassycakes even told me to join this forum. I really enjoy it here and I always thank her for making me try it here. I was the only cousin that even talked to her. Our grandparents hated her Mom yet her Mom always made my Uncle Frank see his parents. I still remember her family, not being invited to eat dinner with the family they had to sit in the living room and not be allowed in the dining room. On Christmas when my grandmother gave the grandchildren their gifts Sassy and her brother and sister never got anything.I admire my cousin.
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My brother and his wife owned a huge house. We visited once a year, entered through the garage into the family room, and, yup, never allowed into the rest of the house. Never. Must Stay In The Family Room. 😂. Thank God there was an attached bathroom.
 
5 Signs You’re The Toxic One

Who-me-300x199.jpg

 

Cutting ties with toxic people in your life. Sometimes it is necessary, even with relatives.​


I have yet to do it, but
the time may yet come

'Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.'
Proverbs 22

Anyone causing me grief?
No matter

Anyone causing my family grief?
It won't go well for them

ol me.jpg
 
For whatever reason, many people need a target, a scapegoat/sin eater. It can run in families, certainly has in mine. There is nothing one can do with such a pernicious dynamic except stay away! Horrific as it can be, if they cut

you off, they have done you a favour. Better losing a piece of your heart, than having your soul mangled. These individuals will rip out your heart by the roots and serve it up to you on toast!
 
Farrah Nuff said:
5 Signs You’re The Toxic One

Who-me-300x199.jpg

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It takes two to tango. And to tangle. While we all love to blame others for their wronging us (I sure do), truth is we usually had a hand in the problems somewhere along the line.

Looking for, acknowledging and accepting my responsibility and how I contributed to relationships that went off the rails may not right those specific ships, but doing so defuses my anger, keeps me from endless chewing that cud in my mind, and helps me avoid those pitfalls in the future.

Sometimes our downfall is allowing people to treat us increasingly badly without asserting ourselves until the situation becomes untenable.
Sometimes we hold onto ancient slights and hurts, preventing the relationship enough sunshine to grow anew.
Sometimes we turn a blind eye to red flags (too much drinking, too many pills, vague excuses for missing time from a spouse who turns out to be cheating, weird or secretive behavior around money, and so forth), then swear there wasn't a single sign of a problem.

I'm not blaming anyone for their relationship woes, only saying that most times if people truly look long and deep, they find they were part of the problem.

Child abuse or neglect are notable exceptions.
 
Ok, no one 's to blame, or somebody is. No one 's gonna figure this out, who s right and/or wrong. The games that are played in the name of friendships or enemies are a waste of valuable time. There is the reality that life changes, sometimes in very unexpected ways. Everyone knows this...so why the analyzing guessing game?
 
Paco Dennis said:
Ok, no one 's to blame, or somebody is. No one 's gonna figure this out, who s right and/or wrong. The games that are played in the name of friendships or enemies are a waste of valuable time. There is the reality that life changes, sometimes in very unexpected ways. Everyone knows this...so why the analyzing guessing game?
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It is a very human need to understand the situation, often a coping mechanism, part of the healing process. Sure, sometimes understanding proves elusive, but the process is

normal, and often leads to the acceptance that it is time to either let go, or find a way to live with the pain. It can be done, we can limit our visits to those places in our psyche.
 
Shalimar said:
It is a very human need to understand the situation, often a coping mechanism, part of the healing process. Sure, sometimes understanding proves elusive, but the process is

normal, and often leads to the acceptance that it is time to either let go, or find a way to live with the pain. It can be done, we can limit our visits to those places in our psyche.
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Yes, I understand...and I often air my frustrations over what I feel is/was unfair. Going over all sides is a chore, and can be taxing and very stressful, depending on the closeness. We also need to give these things time and distance from them for awhile. When they come back around often times we perceive different aspects, and they can be quite revealing.
 
I had an older sister that picked on me as a kid, but when I got older and bigger, she suddenly was my best friend. So, from about 12 on we were friends and I really enjoyed that time in our lives.

After we both were married it, started again, of course she was not hitting me, but she did whatever she could to undermine me with my parents and even making 'cutting' remarks to my wife and kids. At one point, I realized that she was jealous of me as I had finished college and had a good job and family. She had dropped out of college and later married a guy that was not a real good provider. She really was just not a happy person. Her issues as far as how she treated family, finally got bad enough that my parents disengaged from her and eventually so did I. It made me sad to do that, but she just caused to many hurt feelings, that it just was not worth it anymore. She passed away in 2019 and I was not aware of it until her oldest daughter called me three months later.
 
Shalimar said:
It is a very human need to understand the situation, often a coping mechanism, part of the healing process. Sure, sometimes understanding proves elusive, but the process is normal, and often leads to the acceptance that it is time to either let go, or find a way to live with the pain. It can be done, we can limit our visits to those places in our psyche.
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@Shalimar, this reasoning is accepting all of the time, years, I tried to understand the problem. I did have a need to understand in order to put to rest my decision to let go.
Wonderfully stated. Thank you.
 
For whatever reason, many people need a target, a scapegoat/sin eater. It can run in families, certainly has in mine. There is nothing one can do with such a pernicious dynamic except stay away!
************************************************************************************

Nailed it....rings true for me.
 
Years ago, before I realized the concept of no contact, I had wished that I had left the day I turned 18 and never looked back. But I couldn't. I was too conditioned. I was a mess.

I put up with my stepfather. But when he's gone, I'm going no contact with my brother. He's abusive and I'm not putting up with him.
 
Aneeda72 said:
My brother and his wife owned a huge house. We visited once a year, entered through the garage into the family room, and, yup, never allowed into the rest of the house. Never. Must Stay In The Family Room. 😂. Thank God there was an attached bathroom.
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"Not allowed in the rest of the house?" Like a dog that wasn't housebroken?
You're right; you were lucky there was an attached bathroom.
Otherwise, they might have handed you a shovel & a bucket........... :ROFLMAO:
 
I was probably 7 when my mother no longer allowed us to see our bio-dad. He never advocated to see us. How do I know? Because if he had, I would have heard about it. My mother screamed and raged about everything. I doubt I was toxic at 7 years old. Never know.

My stepfather did not go no contact with his family. I remember them as being nothing but nice to me. No family is without problems, I think his one brother and wife had marital problems but never divorced. All in all they were decent people IMO and my stepfather's mother was the only grandparent figure I ever had and my mother hated her. But my stepfather allowed himself to be isolated from them and it's a diabolical dynamic. One I think he is realizing now with deep regret. It's regret for me also. I could have benefited from family.

Some people need to be dumped. Some people get influenced.
 
PS: a couple members have gotten in touch with me and asking why I
would post such a topic. Well, I posted in because I feel it is a worthy
topic for discussion. This topic is 'not' asking anyone to divulge or
share their private personal experiences, it is a topic that can include
opinions, thoughts and other things that the members want to talk
about. If members want to share their personal private experiences
that is Soley up to them. I think there are wonderful members in this
forum, whom have equally wonderful input on many topics, so it this
topic does not suit you, please pass it by.

Have a nice day,

Emeraude
 
Shalimar said:
For whatever reason, many people need a target, a scapegoat/sin eater. It can run in families, certainly has in mine. There is nothing one can do with such a pernicious dynamic except stay away! Horrific as it can be, if they cut

you off, they have done you a favour. Better losing a piece of your heart, than having your soul mangled. These individuals will rip out your heart by the roots and serve it up to you on toast!
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My estranged adopted daughter took exception to me, in her mother's and my divorce. It's taken me most of the last 30 years to not care. Now I really wouldn't want any reconciliation, if she were to attempt such.
 
Nathan said:
My estranged adopted daughter took exception to me, in her mother's and my divorce. It's taken me most of the last 30 years to not care. Now I really wouldn't want any reconciliation, if she were to attempt such.
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About 4 years ago, my daughter got mad at me for being me. I've felt bad about it, wondered what to do about it, etc.

Now I'm trying to just forget it.
 

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