The jokes only thread....

That wife of mine is a liar​

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal
seated next to him in a bar.

"How do you know?
" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."

"So?"
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
 

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked

the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to

the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my

hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed.

When I stand up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles

on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload!

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
 
Karen and Shirley, two recently passed meet in Heaven.
Hi! My name is Shirley.

Hi! I'm Karen. How'd you die?
I Froze to Death.

"How Horrible!"

Shirley says, "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Karen says, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

Shirley says, "So, what happened?

Karen answers, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement."

"Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."
 

Former President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.​

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
 
Guy is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

Guy takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.

"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

Guy's convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,"

The very next day the Guy takes the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Guy responds, "What's that noise?
 
Sassycakes said:
You have a nice butt, but I think it would be nicer if it was on my lap.
*********************************
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
****
Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?
Click to expand...
... aka, lines that would never work (but it might be great if they did).
 
A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give
anything for a birdie on this hole.

" A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life,
I guarantee you will make this shot. "The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later,
he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again,
the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life,
you will make eagle. "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle

.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said
"If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."

"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse,
the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

"The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
 
Karen goes into a bar with her goose. A bartender comes up to her and says,
''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Karen answers, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
 

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.​

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
 
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Why do University graduates hang their diplomas from their rear-view mirror?
So, they can use handicapped parking.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield,

went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."​

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My ***** is frozen solid."

The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a *****?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
​

​

 
Guy catches his thumb in a Meat Slicer.
Once he gets it bandaged real good his wife
Sews it, "Thumb 3 times its normal size,"
to the Lower Tummy part of his shirt.
That way he can't see it.
The next day she sews it to the back of his jeans.
Later it falls off and she attaches it to a large balloon.
It can follow him wherever he needs it!
Some un tells her to stick it up his arss!
 
Remember the, "Hello I'm Bob Dole Jokes?"

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
 
Two customers come into the Coffee Shop.

The waiter approaches them, the first customer says: "I'll have a cup coffee."

The second customer says, "Coffee for me, too. And make sure that the cup is clean!"

The waiter returns with the coffee after a while and says, "Two coffees as you ordered."

" Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
 
Unnecessary words are part of the English Language.
The reason Lawyers have jobs are to explain the meaning of unnecessary words.
The reason none are in heaven is they are lying SOB! ....................:ROFLMAO:
 

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