Narcissistic people masquerading as friends

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
I put up with a 'friend' for a long time before realising her narcissistic traits. She gathered people for really her own benefit. Charming, but manipulative, you always found yourself doing things for her or admiring her. She would be draining to be around - the sort who is looking around at parties while pretending to be interested in your conversation.. Especially around men she was the flirty type who always made men glad to be paying to wine and dine her, just for her sparkling company - she was expert at being very attentive.

Eventually, I got so tired of it, I had different priorities, we move in different circles, nothing left really in common. We are all older, I'm not glamorous any longer, if I ever was. But she still is. I am not well, so I don't socialise much now.

The problem is, she won't let go. I've been ignoring her calls for months. I just want things to fade naturally away, though I feel guilty but it's for the best. A normal person would shrug and move on - surely? But no, she
still keeps leaving phone messages - because I never answer my phone unless I hear who it is. She keeps saying she's worried about me, concerned for my health, would love to do lunch, have a catch up. I just don't want to.

I feel stalked! I truly thought she would give up by now. Instead she is piling on the pressure, tearful voice. It's ridiculous. If I call her, she's won. I did this in the past, even after 6 months I gave in. She 'forgave' instantly and all was sweetness and light. Nobody can shake her off, others have tried. Occasionally someone whispers about the failed escape attempts, we all nod sadly.

What IS the matter with such people and what does one do?
 

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living
 
Rose65 said:
I put up with a 'friend' for a long time before realising her narcissistic traits. She gathered people for really her own benefit. Charming, but manipulative, you always found yourself doing things for her or admiring her. She would be draining to be around - the sort who is looking around at parties while pretending to be interested in your conversation.. Especially around men she was the flirty type who always made men glad to be paying to wine and dine her, just for her sparkling company - she was expert at being very attentive.

Eventually, I got so tired of it, I had different priorities, we move in different circles, nothing left really in common. We are all older, I'm not glamorous any longer, if I ever was. But she still is. I am not well, so I don't socialise much now.

The problem is, she won't let go. I've been ignoring her calls for months. I just want things to fade naturally away, though I feel guilty but it's for the best. A normal person would shrug and move on - surely? But no, she
still keeps leaving phone messages - because I never answer my phone unless I hear who it is. She keeps saying she's worried about me, concerned for my health, would love to do lunch, have a catch up. I just don't want to.

I feel stalked! I truly thought she would give up by now. Instead she is piling on the pressure, tearful voice. It's ridiculous. If I call her, she's won. I did this in the past, even after 6 months I gave in. She 'forgave' instantly and all was sweetness and light. Nobody can shake her off, others have tried. Occasionally someone whispers about the failed escape attempts, we all nod sadly.

What IS the matter with such people and what does one do?
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Next time she insists you get together or whatever, laugh til you're about to faint, and then stop and say, "Wait... You're serious?" and laugh some more.
 
hawkdon said:
Do not give in !!!!! I have a former spouse, totally bi-polar,
who will call me occasionaly, to "fill" me in on her life, and also
of course to remind me of my "faults"....I never invite this and
just ignore it, so she rarely calls any more....good luck...
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Stop feeding it? I know that all stalking needs to be ignored. But often the stalker simply carries on, oblivious.
It makes me doubt my own sanity, I feel like snatching up the phone and swearing! But I refuse to lose control like that.

My husband just says ignore her or call her for goodness sake. He just doesn't understand at all.
 
Just because you don’t like her personality, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t actually care about you. If she didn’t, what’s in it for her if she already has lots of friends. Still doesn’t mean you have to get together.
 
I had a person like this that would send e-mails. She would not give up. She went through other relatives trying to get my phone number. Finally I just bluntly e-mailed back that I did not want to maintain a relationship with her. I ignored any subsequent e-mails and she eventually stopped. I hated to be that blunt but subletly was just not working with her. I am a bit of a loner anyway and those people who won't respect my boundaries drive me nuts.
 
DebraMae said:
I had a person like this that would send e-mails. She would not give up. She went through other relatives trying to get my phone number. Finally I just bluntly e-mailed back that I did not want to maintain a relationship with her. I ignored any subsequent e-mails and she eventually stopped. I hated to be that blunt but subletly was just not working with her. I am a bit of a loner anyway and those people who won't respect my boundaries drive me nuts.
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Yep - she is getting others to get to me.
 
This woman is seriously getting to me now. She keeps leaving messages every couple of days, saying she doesn't understand why I don't call. She is also pestering a mutual friend to call me to find out the problem, this is unforgivable because he is a bereaved man who is so nice and so vulnerable.

I am at my wit's end. I know it sounds awful but if I call her it means her persistence paid off yet again. Just like any stalker.

I know eventually I will lose my temper really badly and will swear at her as a last resort. With some hardened insensitive types it really is the only way. But if I do that I will feel absolutely terrible,that negativity is so destructive to everyone. I've had to do that with a family member a while back and it sent me into a terribly deep depression.

We all surely want to be nice, peaceful and pleasant. But some people bring out the worst in us. Most people get the hint if you lose contact, they understand, shrug and move on surely?

Sorry for such a rant but I just don't know what to do.
 
Rose65 said:
What IS the matter with such people and what does one do?
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Well for starters when it comes to Narcissists, they have no empathy and know no boundaries, things have to be all about them as they believe the world revolves around them, and all the appliances (Friends in the inner circles) are there to draw fuel from, regardless of whether the fuel is positive or negative as long as they get that fuel, they are satisfied for a while, not happy as they are pretty much an empty vessel and cannot feel what we call happiness.

To them, it's all about control and maintaining that all appliances around them are brought under control.

All you can do is keep ignoring her, without feeling guilty about it.
 
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She sounds pretty toxic. I'm wondering if you'd feel better with her out of the picture.

Which, of course, sounds like what you're trying to do — although she's not out of the picture yet.

If it were me, I'd just keep her waaay at arm's length, like you're doing now. Give her no attention. Stretch that time out until it's forever.

I wouldn't worry about swearing at her, although if swearing is a big issue to you, you could always just tell her you've ... moved on, or are too busy with your own things nowadays, or something like that, and wish her well on her journey.

I mean, people do move on from relationships. It's allowed.
 
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Tish said:
Well for starters when it comes to Narcissists, they have no empathy and know no boundaries, things have to be all about them as they believe the world revolves around them, and all the appliances (Friends in the inner circles) are there to draw fuel from, regardless of whether the fuel is positive or negative as long as they get that fuel, they are satisfied for a while, not happy as they are pretty much an empty vessel and cannot feel what we call happiness.

To them, it's all about control and maintaining that all appliances around them are brought under control.

All you can do is keep ignoring her, without feeling guilty about it.
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That is such an accurate description of her! Thankyou. I thought I was going loopy and being horrible.
We were friends for a long time because it took me so long to realise how subtly she works. Confirmation is that others in our social circles have said how they try to avoid her, best not give her their phone numbers.
You know the sort that lives alone and their social life is their everything? Well the rest of us have different priorities. I am so unwell that I need my home, peace and no pressure.
 
Devi said:
She sounds pretty toxic. I'm wondering if you'd feel better with her out of the picture.

Which, of course, sounds like what you're trying to do — although she's not out of the picture yet.

If it were me, I'd just keep her waaay at arm's length, like you're doing now. Give her no attention. Stretch that time out until it's forever.

I wouldn't worry about swearing at her, although if swearing is a big issue to you, you could always just tell her you've ... moved on, or are too busy with your own things nowadays, or something like that, and wish her well on her journey.

I mean, people do move on from relationships. It's allowed.
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Good advice, but that confrontation is impossible to contemplate. She will get dramatic and tearful. I can't stand confrontation as a rule, it can be so draining.
I just hope avoidance will do the trick
 
The term narcissist seems to be the latest ‘woke’ word used for people you no longer like or never did.

From reading your opening post, you describe this woman, who has been in one of your social circles, as charming, attentive, narcissistic, manipulative, draining, flirty, pretentious and glamorous.

You’ve suddenly concluded and diagnosed her with a mental disorder claiming she’s too toxic for you and how she’s now stalking you by leaving messages stating she’s worried and concerned for you.

She’s leaving all kinds of messages because she didn’t get the memo claiming she’s a selfish, toxic , manipulative, pretentious, narcissistic stalker. She’s leaving messages claiming she’s worried. There’s nothing abnormal about that. Friends tend to worry about their friends when they don’t hear from them in a while. She doesn’t know you ‘now’ feel this way. You are playing an unfair game with this sudden ex - friend. 🤷‍♀️

If this friend has suddenly become your EX - friend then the fairest thing for both of you , would be for you to tell her that you have moved on and no longer wish to associate with her any longer.

It sounds as though you’ve gossiped about this person to all your other friends to get to this conclusion and are on here discussing it with us. You’ve clearly made up your mind that she’s not good for your health while she’s relentlessly trying to reach you to make sure you are ok.

There’s always 2 sides to every story. If ‘you’ are the one who has suddenly realized that you no longer want her as a friend, for whatever reasons, then ‘you’ should be the one to make your wishes ‘known,’ but to HER!

She might be all you claim, but she still deserves the respect of ‘giving her the “I don’t want to be your friend” memo. Send her a ‘snail mail’ card requesting your desires. You don’t have to give detailed reasons.

I think how you are dealing with this is immature and cowardly.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
The term narcissist seems to be the latest ‘woke’ word used for people you no longer like or never did.

From reading your opening post, you describe this woman, who has been in one of your social circles, as charming, attentive, narcissistic, manipulative, draining, flirty, pretentious and glamorous.

You’ve suddenly concluded and diagnosed her with a mental disorder claiming she’s too toxic for you and how she’s now stalking you by leaving messages stating she’s worried and concerned for you.

She’s leaving all kinds of messages because she didn’t get the memo claiming she’s a selfish, toxic , manipulative, pretentious, narcissistic stalker. She’s leaving messages claiming she’s worried. There’s nothing abnormal about that. Friends tend to worry about their friends when they don’t hear from them in a while. She doesn’t know you ‘now’ feel this way. You are playing an unfair game with this sudden ex - friend. 🤷‍♀️

If this friend has suddenly become your EX - friend then the fairest thing for both of you , would be for you to tell her that you have moved on and no longer wish to associate with her any longer.

It sounds as though you’ve gossiped about this person to all your other friends to get to this conclusion and are on here discussing it with us. You’ve clearly made up your mind that she’s not good for your health while she’s relentlessly trying to reach you to make sure you are ok.

There’s always 2 sides to every story. If ‘you’ are the one who has suddenly realized that you no longer want her as a friend, for whatever reasons, then ‘you’ should be the one to make your wishes ‘known,’ but to HER!

She might be all you claim, but she still deserves the respect of ‘giving her the “I don’t want to be your friend” memo. Send her a ‘snail mail’ card requesting your desires. You don’t have to give detailed reasons.

I think how you are dealing with this is in an immature and cowardly ,
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Narcissists are well known for being obsessive and incredibly persistent in their attempts to get their needs met. From the OP’s post, it is apparent how distressed she is . She is searching for a non confrontational manner of

dealing with this person. She is also ill. She indicated others have found this person to be problematic. There is no need to attack her behaviour or her motives. It is cruel.
 
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PeppermintPatty said:
The term narcissist seems to be the latest ‘woke’ word used for people you no longer like or never did.

From reading your opening post, you describe this woman, who has been in one of your social circles, as charming, attentive, narcissistic, manipulative, draining, flirty, pretentious and glamorous.

You’ve suddenly concluded and diagnosed her with a mental disorder claiming she’s too toxic for you and how she’s now stalking you by leaving messages stating she’s worried and concerned for you.

She’s leaving all kinds of messages because she didn’t get the memo claiming she’s a selfish, toxic , manipulative, pretentious, narcissistic stalker. She’s leaving messages claiming she’s worried. There’s nothing abnormal about that. Friends tend to worry about their friends when they don’t hear from them in a while. She doesn’t know you ‘now’ feel this way. You are playing an unfair game with this sudden ex - friend. 🤷‍♀️

If this friend has suddenly become your EX - friend then the fairest thing for both of you , would be for you to tell her that you have moved on and no longer wish to associate with her any longer.

It sounds as though you’ve gossiped about this person to all your other friends to get to this conclusion and are on here discussing it with us. You’ve clearly made up your mind that she’s not good for your health while she’s relentlessly trying to reach you to make sure you are ok.

There’s always 2 sides to every story. If ‘you’ are the one who has suddenly realized that you no longer want her as a friend, for whatever reasons, then ‘you’ should be the one to make your wishes ‘known,’ but to HER!

She might be all you claim, but she still deserves the respect of ‘giving her the “I don’t want to be your friend” memo. Send her a ‘snail mail’ card requesting your desires. You don’t have to give detailed reasons.

I think how you are dealing with this is immature and cowardly.
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I have not discussed her with anyone at all in recent times. Just over the years others have said they had similar problems with her. A reputation.
 
Shalimar said:
Narcissists are well known for being obsessive and incredibly persistent in their attempts to get their needs met. From the OP’s post, it is apparent how distressed she is . She is searching for a non confrontational manner of

dealing with this person. She is also ill. She indicated others have found this person to be problematic. There is no need to attack her behaviour or her motives. It is cruel.
Click to expand...
Thankyou. I am at a low ebb and a confrontation is just overwhelming to think of.
I had hoped by not returning calls she would get the hint. But instead she just carries on talking to my answer machine.

I wouldn't keep ringing someone in this way. I would assume they have reasons if they don't get back to me. It is best to give people space.
 
Rose65 said:
I don't know how, I am so non technical. It's just normal landline.
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I don't know if you want to do this or not, but devices like landline phones usually have an owner's manual that explains whatever they do. If you don't have it, a quick internet search for your phone and its model number may enable you to download the owner's manual (in PDF format).
 
Rose65 said:
This woman is seriously getting to me now. She keeps leaving messages every couple of days, saying she doesn't understand why I don't call. She is also pestering a mutual friend to call me to find out the problem, this is unforgivable because he is a bereaved man who is so nice and so vulnerable.

I am at my wit's end. I know it sounds awful but if I call her it means her persistence paid off yet again. Just like any stalker.

I know eventually I will lose my temper really badly and will swear at her as a last resort. With some hardened insensitive types it really is the only way. But if I do that I will feel absolutely terrible,that negativity is so destructive to everyone. I've had to do that with a family member a while back and it sent me into a terribly deep depression.

We all surely want to be nice, peaceful and pleasant. But some people bring out the worst in us. Most people get the hint if you lose contact, they understand, shrug and move on surely?

Sorry for such a rant but I just don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
If she’s bothering you that much and you want the friendship over then pick up the phone and tell her. Swear if you have to. That way , she will know how you feel and stop calling you. If you block the number she probably will ask people you know what happened to you and they will become involved . If you want other people involved in this then that would be the best way to go about it.
 

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