How long can someone be in deep mourning for a loved one?

debodun

debodun

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way upstate in New York, USA
A high-school classmate of mine lost her husband about a year and a half ago. Last year she didn't send out Christmas cards or go any parties even though Christmas was about 6 months after his passing. This year I thought I extend some hospitality to her and invited her to get together with some other alumni to have a holiday get-together. She said she still isn't in a holiday mood. Am I so detached that I think that by now she'd be "getting over it"?
 

You can't put a timeline on people's grief, I know that if I lost my husband, I would be devastated, he's my best friend and I love him very much. She's doing what she feels personally, and nobody should interfere with that IMO. It's also possible that she doesn't want to be involved with the alumni get-togethers anymore, and this is her way to decline the invitation without hurting anyone's feelings.
 
The first year for my Dad and he was beyond devastated, almost suicidal. By the grace of G-d he had many friends who had already experienced the death of a spouse. They were there for him, checking in even daily, gradually encouraging him to join the world again...just a cup of coffee at the diner, maybe a movie. It was around then that he met someone very special. That was maybe two years after my Mom died. Suddenly he became younger and he had passed through the deepest grief, some people it can take many years and some never get past it.
 

I don't know about others, but for me there is no getting "over" it, and if anybody was ever so insensitive as to suggest to me that it was time I got "over" it, they'd get more than just the stink eye.

As time goes on, it gets easier to bear, but the deaths of my son and then my husband left holes in my heart that won't ever heal.
 
Another slam at Big Corporate. I remember working as an operator for New Jersey Bell. Ideally your time per call should be 30 seconds or under and your call time was tracked hourly. I was four months pregnant when my Mom died suddenly. I had a week of leave and went back to work. Maybe the third day back and I was called in the office. My call time was up to maybe 34 seconds a call. I remember very clearly that supervisor saying she knew I lost my Mom but I did have a child to support...so I better get with the program and get my call time back down...insensitive as an understatement.
 
It's a very personal matter, and I think we each grieve in his/her own way and it's not up to others to judge. She may never be in a "holiday mood" again -- that's up to her. I may never be in a "holiday mood" again, after watching my niece suffer so in the final stage of cancer last Christmas and watching her die in January.
 
If you do, they aren't real friends. Better off without them. I did join a grief support group, it helps to talk to others that can relate. You might have to try a few before you find the right one for you. Might even find a new friend. Does anyone know of an online forum/message board for widows and widowers? NO,NOT A DATING SITE!!!! Just to share experiences, perhaps things that have helped for them, etc.
 
I think the phase “get over it” as it applies to the death of a loved one is callous.

I sometimes still reminisce and feel sad about my mom’s death (28 yrs ago), but does it stop me from going on with my life? No. I'm glad she is no longer suffering with colon & liver cancer.

When reading this thread I thought about an aunt who witnessed her (then) 12 yr old son (my cousin) getting hit/killed while he was riding a bicycle. My guess is she never really got over it and never will.

John Walsh (“America’s Most Wanted”) surely has never gotten over his son Adam’s abduction and horrific murder. But he has done many good things and continues to live his life.

You can’t put a time limit on grief. Sometimes people need professional help coping with a death. Sometimes they just need time and understanding.
 
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a seminal book in the late '60's titled On Death and Dying.

In it she postulated the 5 stages of death: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. We all supposedly move through these stages at different speeds and in different ways, possibly even out of order or skipping a stage or two.

In my own little world of loss beginning at 5 years of age and continuing through the present I have seen how these stages varied in quantity and quality until now I like to think I can predict exactly how I would react in any situation and how long my own grieving process will take.

But it will be different for everyone.

I strongly agree with Falcon, though - you HAVE to keep on going.

As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
 
Loss is a personal thing. Grief has it's own timetable, different for each person. I think it is exceedingly inconsiderate of other people to chime in with their often judgmental agendas--stiff upper lip and all that. However kind their intentions may be, it

only adds pressure to the person already overwhelmed with loss. If they cannot be supportive, at least they can avoid contributing to further stress. No one benefits from the "grief police."
 
AZ Jim said:
She'll "get over it" when and if she pleases, it's no one else's business.
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No, it isn't, but at some point you have to realize that your grief is only destroying you and those you care for.

Like I always say, loss is forever but grief temporary.

Some "experts" claim that "normal" grief should last no longer than 6 months. Beyond that, it's considered a chronic depressive issue and needs therapeutic intervention.
 
Shalimar said:
Loss is a personal thing. Grief has it's own timetable, different for each person. I think it is exceedingly inconsiderate of other people to chime in with their often judgmental agendas--stiff upper lip and all that. However kind their intentions may be, it

only adds pressure to the person already overwhelmed with loss. If they cannot be supportive, at least they can avoid contributing to further stress. No one benefits from the "grief police."
Click to expand...

So very true, Shali. Some people's understanding of grief and expectations are quite without empathy. I have been told 'death is natural' right after the death of a close personal friend by someone who was not in the least sensitive to my relationship with this person. Not only was I speechless and hurt, I was also angry at my relative for being such a twit.
 
Cookie said:
So very true, Shali. Some people's understanding of grief and expectations are quite without empathy. I have been told 'death is natural' right after the death of a close personal friend by someone who was not in the least sensitive to my relationship with this person. Not only was I speechless and hurt, I was also angry at my relative for being such a twit.
Click to expand...

I sometimes think - and have seen and experienced it first-hand - that people, even total strangers at a funeral, want to share in the grieving process, and will do so in their old, accustomed ways, not realizing that THEIR way may be very different yet still wanting to partake in the grief.

My philosophies concerning death at this point don't go over well with the mainstream, so I usually just limit my comments to "Sorry for your loss".
 
I think the best thing you can do with someone in deep grieving is listen. Sometimes they'll be rambling or repeat themselves and that's okay. Let them cry, crying is cathartic. I say that because human nature we want to pat and coo and stop the crying. But have tissues ready. A cup of tea perhaps and let them talk as much as they need.
 
Exactly, we get used to the absence of our loved ones, and there are many distractions so we don't think about it, and of course there are all the coping mechanisms at work --- denial, anger and other things to keep us busy. The lady who started MAAD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) whose daughter died as a result of a drunk driver, was so busy after the death of her daughter setting up the MADD organization, that she never had time to grieve until a few years later.
 

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