afraid to try to have a long-term relationship with a fella

Cookie said:

I am the cake or banana bread, or cupcake, or muffin, cookie or loaf of wholewheat bread. Anything you add to it (sandwich fixings, mayo, icing, jam, etc. etc.) So I am the cake and my partner, friends, etc. are the icing/sandwich fillings. Or in the case of cookies, perhaps men are the chocolate chips? Just a little metaphor, don't mean anything by it...

Some women are so overly dependent on men for their identities that for them the man is the bread and they are not even icing, more like old stale margarine. I would like to turn it around a bit and put the focus back on me --- to see men/relationships romance, etc. as a 'treat', rather than what gives me life and a reason for living.
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Well, to switch metaphors, whenever the Yin and the Yang get too unbalanced there are problems.

Using this same model, one cannot exist for long without the other.

So in that vein, men are as necessary to women as women are to men. I would think that places each of us in a position a little more important than a treat.

Yes, there are oddballs like me, who have been solely Yang for a very, very long time - but look at the imbalance it produces. :(
 

If you believe coupling up is necessary for you, then do so, by all means. And actually I don't think high functioning sociopaths need love at all, that is one of their characteristics, an inability to love people, although Hitler did love his dogs very much.

I guess I'm referring to overly dependent women who think they are nothing without a man, they should not be so needy as to think that a man will provide everything for them. And I agree that balance is important, should one be so lucky as to find a suitable mate, which is becoming more and more difficult as women become more independent financially and emotionally, they are no longer desirable to some domineering males who prefer a passive complacent female, who will not contradict them or be too outspoken or opinionated (as has been my experience).
 
Linda said:
Some on here have suggested you get a pet. I sure wouldn't if I were you. If you have much traveling in your future or maybe a sleep over on someone's couch or even moving to a place that doesn't allow pets, it can be a big problem. After you've been settled for at lest a year and KNOW you want to stay there longer, than maybe consider a pet. They are a huge responsibility. For those who love pets and can't live without them, pets are fine. I don't think you are one of those people or you'd already have a dog or something. I know I'm sure not happy when someone visits us and has a pet with them. It can cause all sorts of problems.
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That's what everybody kept suggesting to me when my husband died...."You need to get a dog!" That was the last thing I needed....something else that had to be taken care of by me.

Reminds me of the joke about the old lady who was asked why she never married. She said, "Why would I need a husband? I have a dog that snores, a parrot that swears and a cat that stays out all night!"
 

Cookie said:
And actually I don't think high functioning sociopaths need love at all, that is one of their characteristics, an inability to love people, although Hitler did love his dogs very much.
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That's actually one of those half-truths.

First, note that I said "high-functioning". That means I can turn my sociopathy on and off as it pleases me.

When a sociopath claims love, yes, many times it's just a means to an end, a hidden agenda, a tool to be used. But a sociopath - again, a high-functioning one - can love with a power and ferocity that will take your breath away. They are focused and see the truth of their partner - if that partner remains, then they are exactly who and what the sociopath loves. They know how to adore their partner, they understand their wants and needs. They give themselves totally and exclusively to their partner.

The idea that all sociopaths should be painted with the same broad brush is criminal. The love of a sociopath is often like that of a child - intense, non-judgmental, accepting.

I guess I'm referring to overly dependent women who think they are nothing without a man, they should not be so needy as to think that a man will provide everything for them. And I agree that balance is important, should one be so lucky as to find a suitable mate, which is becoming more and more difficult as women become more independent financially and emotionally, they are no longer desirable to some domineering males who prefer a passive complacent female, who will not contradict them or be too outspoken or opinionated (as has been my experience).
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I totally agree that overly dependent women and domineering males are the outriders, the odd ducks - they will certainly screw up the equation. But I think most people - most mature and self-realized people, anyway - still have a chance.

Maybe I'm just an optimist?

...

Naw. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. :playful:
 
That type of love would suffocate me. I don't want anyone to give themselves totally to me. I don't want the responsibility, I would feel trapped. No matter how much I love another, there is always a small part of me that remains inviolate, belonging only to myself.
 
And a true sociopath would modify their behavior once they saw you smothering - they would turn the valve and reduce their intensity. They are nothing if not perceptive.

It's like having one of those modern digital controllers for your lights, instead of an old-fashioned on-off switch.
 
Perhaps you've never been married to a Sicilian...Sonny Corleone aye...but guys change as they get older. Well some of them anyways. The other night for instance. I had to call and say fixing Ninja would be another fifty bucks. That's a lot for us right now. At 30 hubby would have made the phone implode. That night it was just " Okay I'll be there in a little while, poor dumb cat at least they got him sorted out". It's somebody who cares about what is important to you, that is a keeper.
 
jujube said:
That's what everybody kept suggesting to me when my husband died...."You need to get a dog!" That was the last thing I needed....something else that had to be taken care of by me.

Reminds me of the joke about the old lady who was asked why she never married. She said, "Why would I need a husband? I have a dog that snores, a parrot that swears and a cat that stays out all night!"
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LOL, for sure JJ, hilarious;)
 
You'd think a man would be pleased to be the icing on someone's cake. Better than a mere crumb left on a cake plate. I've met lots of crumbs, and the rare icing.
 
Cookie said:
Gee, Phil, doesn't everyone agree that icing is very very good, a welcome addition to a cake, without which it would be just a slab of crummy crumbs. Today would be a good day to have a slice of yummy cake with some delicious coffee. I'm away to bake it now, with icing of course.
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I like a "little" icing with my cake now, never liked a lot. 'course I'm not addicted to sugar anymore, still like it yeah, just a little once in awhile;) These photos are hard to take for me, makes me wanna get my stomach pumped, not bake, LOL:

Carrot-Cake-iNstagram.jpg


and 'dese cupcakes gaggers, lol!:

cupcakelg.jpg
 
Cookie said:
You'd think a man would be pleased to be the icing on someone's cake. Better than a mere crumb left on a cake plate. I've met lots of crumbs, and the rare icing.
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I like crumby cakes, but yeah, don't like crumby bumb types of men, LOL!
 
Pets make great best friends - they don't lie, they don't question, they don't judge, they are always there for you, they are devoted to you 24/7, they will never let you down, they will never hurt you, they keep you cozy while you sleep and help you wake up in the morning, they love to walk with you, they love to listen to you talk, they sympathize, they strive to help you do things, they look at you when you talk, they don't get mad at you when you don't do something right or if you forget something or buy something or turn on the T.V/radio, they like what ever music you want to listen to, they like everything you cook, they don't give you a bunch of laundry to do, they will chase off anyone who is not nice to you or who they sense is not a nice person, they don't complain if you don't wash the dishes, ....... the list of pets' qualities are endless. All the doubts and concerns you are having now you will not have with a pet.
 
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Yes darlin' I know what you're saying. My critters have seen me in such a bad way. Poor Ninja, two days of vet visits. First one no treatment and he was manhandled till he peed on the examining table in fear. The second much better but still an exam, foaming cleanser in his ears...he almost lifted four inches off the table. Two shots in his hind quarters. But tonight he curled purring in my lap. The all forgiving Ninja, " Hey human I know you were trying to help me there". It's about finding a human partner like that if you can. They accept you for as you are and you the same...perfect together...I wish you the best!
 
fureverywhere said:
Perhaps you've never been married to a Sicilian...Sonny Corleone aye...but guys change as they get older. Well some of them anyways. The other night for instance. I had to call and say fixing Ninja would be another fifty bucks. That's a lot for us right now. At 30 hubby would have made the phone implode. That night it was just " Okay I'll be there in a little while, poor dumb cat at least they got him sorted out". It's somebody who cares about what is important to you, that is a keeper.
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:laugh: :laugh: So very true. Sounds like your hubby is a keeper (mine too).
 
Denise1952 said:
I guess I'd like to hear about someone like me, been alone "maybe" too long, but they met someone, and actually are doing well for the long-term. But of course I still want to hear from anyone that wants to reply;) I learn a bit of something from whoever posts.
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I've been living alone for many years about 30 years actually. I did meet a guy and started getting attached to him. However, there were many things that bothered me about him, like his making fun of people which I think is childish. Another thing is that he never has said anything nice about me to me. When I've gotten mad with him he exaggerated how I spoke to him. I only had annoyance in my voice and certainly didn't yell at him but he claimed I blasted him. Whenever I have been angry at stupid things he does he claims I was really mean to him which is complete BS. He would probably be shocked to death if he heard me when I'm really angry which I haven't been with him. I was helping him out.

He doesn't have a job and is waiting to get SSDI. He has health problems and he can't work a regular 8 hour day. Anyway, I was helping him out giving him some money and he spent it all on booze. Mind you, his cat needed food and he spent it all on alcohol. Anyhow that is my rant about him. I am not seeing him anymore because I'm tired of his BS.

I am still looking for a man to be friends with and maybe more after we get to know if we are compatible. I go to Plenty of Fish dating site which is free.
 
Annie said:
I've been living alone for many years about 30 years actually. I did meet a guy and started getting attached to him. However, there were many things that bothered me about him, like his making fun of people which I think is childish. Another thing is that he never has said anything nice about me to me. When I've gotten mad with him he exaggerated how I spoke to him. I only had annoyance in my voice and certainly didn't yell at him but he claimed I blasted him. Whenever I have been angry at stupid things he does he claims I was really mean to him which is complete BS. He would probably be shocked to death if he heard me when I'm really angry which I haven't been with him. I was helping him out.

He doesn't have a job and is waiting to get SSDI. He has health problems and he can't work a regular 8 hour day. Anyway, I was helping him out giving him some money and he spent it all on booze. Mind you, his cat needed food and he spent it all on alcohol. Anyhow that is my rant about him. I am not seeing him anymore because I'm tired of his BS.

I am still looking for a man to be friends with and maybe more after we get to know if we are compatible. I go to Plenty of Fish dating site which is free.
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Geez Annie, it's like you were reading my diary:) Thanks for replying, I don't feel so alone now.

I think as I've aged/learned/gained some true wisdom, I just won't settle for less than the same. Know what I mean? I mean, if there's a guy out there with some of those attributes, I would enjoy talking with him. Intelligent conversation?? Who cared about that in our younger years? I didn't, all I wanted was good-looking (to me) and good sex. Things have changed, for the better I might add;)

Thanks again Annie, don't settle for less than someone that is a good match for you;) (and I do mean someone that can at least keep up in a conversation).


PS I am on POF too, so far, nada!!
 
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Denise1952 said:
Geez Annie, it's like you were reading my diary:) Thanks for replying, I don't feel so alone now.

I think as I've aged/learned/gained some true wisdom, I just won't settle for less than the same. Know what I mean? I mean, if there's a guy out there with some of those attributes, I would enjoy talking with him. Intelligent conversation?? Who cared about that in our younger years? I didn't, all I wanted was good-looking (to me) and good sex. Things have changed, for the better I might add;)

Thanks again Annie, don't settle for less than someone that is a good match for you;) (and I do mean someone that can at least keep up in a conversation).


PS I am on POF too, so far, nada!!
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I'm glad you don't feel so alone. I felt the same way when I read your OP. I haven't found anyone on POF that I'd like to be serious with. I don't even know if I want to be serious with a guy at this stage in my life. I would like someone to go out with at times and someone who can have an intelligent conversation which is not not easy to find. I won't settle. Best wishes to you in your quest!!
 
fureverywhere said:
Okay the perfect man and food porn...here he is
th


I mean you can taste that right?
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If I ever met a guy who's as delicious as that looks? Sigh.

A few years ago...maybe a year after my husband died...I signed up on Match, POF, Our Time. What a waste of time, and with the exception of POF, money. Never did find anybody more than mildly interesting and not interesting enough to even bother meeting. Maybe I'm just too picky? Or maybe I'm so hidebound that if they appear to be even a bit outside convention or tradition that I reject them in advance!

Denise, have you found anybody on line that you've talked to or met for coffee? You sound to me as though you're somewhat more of a risk-taker than I am, although how much risk is there in meeting for a cup of coffee in broad daylight in a public place? LOL
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
If I ever met a guy who's as delicious as that looks? Sigh.

A few years ago...maybe a year after my husband died...I signed up on Match, POF, Our Time. What a waste of time, and with the exception of POF, money. Never did find anybody more than mildly interesting and not interesting enough to even bother meeting. Maybe I'm just too picky? Or maybe I'm so hidebound that if they appear to be even a bit outside convention or tradition that I reject them in advance!

Denise, have you found anybody on line that you've talked to or met for coffee? You sound to me as though you're somewhat more of a risk-taker than I am, although how much risk is there in meeting for a cup of coffee in broad daylight in a public place? LOL
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I have Georgia, met several over the past, 18 years of being single. I feel exactly as you do, a waste of time. I don't care anymore if someone says I am too pickie. If I can't feel the way I did when I fell in love before, then I don't need a guy just to have one around. I was thinking of starting another thread about this but maybe here would be best.

Because I am 63, does that mean I don't get to ever meet a guy that turns me on? I mean really? When I talk to men on POF or in person, they are very "honest" about wanting sex. I mean, they will say things that to me, are sexual ennuendos ok. Like, I miss "holding" a woman, or "do you like to snuggle" in front of the tv? Tell me guys, does this not mean that you'd really like to get in my pants? I'm not saying that a man is only interested in sex, but he wants it, no matter his age or whether he is actually "up" to it.

Please don't think I don't like you guys, I'm just talking about the ones I've met for dates. I wonder if these men I've met were neglected, or "cut-off" by their x's leaving them to make sure that the next woman puts out? Thing is, most of the men I've met, or that are willing to meet me, have let themselves go. Not taken care of their appearance. Now I know some have gotten sick, so I am not talking about those situations. Just once I'd like to meet a fella, my age, that has at least trimmed his beard if he has one, and splashed on some cologne, and worn clean jeans and a nice shirt?? What the hell!! I still try to clean up and look my best.

Sad stories about your X treating you bad I don't want to hear about. I'd rather hear where you think you went wrong, you side of the street being cleaned up. Sexy is as sexy does, and I know there will come a time when I am not interested in it, only what remains, the friendship. But imo there has to be a physical attraction of some sort. Anyone want to chime in, I can take it, LOL!!
 
SifuPhil said:
You don't! You're stereotyping us all!

DISCRIMINATION ! DISCRIMINATION !!!

That's it! I'm calling the ACLU !









P.S. - Wanna' go out for coffee next week?
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You haven't gott ACLU!! :playful::eek:nthego: That's me, hit and run;)

Will you trim your beard, and wear nice clothes, and smell perdy;) :rolleyes:
 

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