I was born into a nominally Christian monoculture - Australia in the 1940s. Like most children I was sent to Sunday School, even though our household did not attend church, say grace, pray or read the bible. At school I attended weekly Scripture classes conducted by visiting clergy. I picked up a smattering of various denominations - Baptist Sunday School, Methodist and Anglican scripture lessons. I also belonged to a Physical Culture class run by the Baptists and attended an annual church parade. I was baptised Methodist but was not connected to a congregation.
In my teens I became besotted with science, in particular astronomy and chemistry. I also started to skip scripture for extra time in the lab conducting chemistry experiments and for the preparation of various compounds. By the time I left school and started university, I, like Lenin, had decided that God was a human construct. I became an atheist but suffered no moral decline as a result.
We married in a chapel for the sake of our parents and I had both children baptised in a Methodist church for the same reason. Then life threw a few curve balls in my direction and caught me unawares.
My father died suddenly one night when I was 25 years old. I had never attended a funeral before and I was shattered. My grief was intense and long lasting. Next my younger sister lost her first baby as a still birth at 30 weeks. I discovered that I had no words of comfort that I could offer her. I was both numb and dumb. She fell pregnant again and at 28 weeks she again went into labour and gave birth to a very tiny little girl, who had only a slim chance of survival. A priest came to the hospital and baptised her in the humicrib. I heard that the students at a local catholic girls school were praying for the baby and I was warmed and comforted because I was unable to pray to a god I didn't believe in. My niece survived although she stopped breathing and had to be revived three times.
Several years later, I was in the bad books of the headmistress at the school where I was teaching. I resigned and applied for a position at the same local catholic girls school. I should never have gotten the job but they took me on. For the first year I was there I kept silent about the secret knowledge that I carried - that God didn't exist and that everyone at the school was deluded. However, something within me was stirring. When the school came together for mass or some other liturgy the hymn singing always brought a lump in my throat and I had to fight off tears. In part it was the beauty of the music but it was also a longing to belong.
At the end of my first year at the school I was asked to head the Maths department and part way through the second year I was appointed Deputy Principal. I should never have even been employed at the school, let alone made 2IC. Talk about God working in mysterious ways.
It was in this second year that I had a very strange experience while attending an inservice course on the subject of pastoral care. It was not faith based and was intended for school counsellors, all of whom were university trained in psychology. I was the sole ingénue who knew nothing and we were sequestered for 5 days in small groups in motel rooms with periodic plenary sessions where we took part in various activities that could be used in the school situation. It was during one of these sessions that something very strange happened and made me question whether the God that I was denying was perhaps a lot more real than I had imagined. I won't go into details because it takes too long to explain all that happened, but basically I received an invitation that I was 100% free to reject.
I accepted the offer and that was the day I entered into relationship with my Creator.
I did not join a church. I wanted no part of the Catholic church because it was much too authoritarian for my liking. Priests in those days wielded all of the power and a proud feminist like me wasn't having any of that, thank you very much. It took a full two years before I ventured inside a local church near our house. It had age care units and a child care centre on its block of land and seemed to be community minded. The church building was a modest multi purpose hall and one of the ministers was a woman, the first to be ordained in that denomination. She was rather crippled and unmarried but she had the most beautiful speaking and singing voice. For the first time in my life I listened to every word of the sermons and gradually settled in and became part of the community. I grew in service and understanding of the message of Christ and became an elder serving on the church council. I have been part of this community now for 40 years and have known many beautiful souls as my friends. Sadly, many of them have now passed, and tomorrow we will be celebrating the life of another wonderful woman who died just last week. When my time comes, I want my funeral service to be held in this church building with all of the familiar songs and ritual that I have come to love.
The denomination is the Uniting Church in Australia and it is a union of the Methodist, Presbyterian and Congregation traditions that was finalised in 1977. It is a non conformist Christian church where social justice is as important as charity and women are as important and as powerful as men. Lay and ordained members together form the various councils that govern church life and organisations and all office bearers are elected for fixed terms.
I am a new creation, beginning on the day I said yes to the god I had no idea existed and since that day I have never felt despair, loneliness or fear. If I am deluded and it has all been a dream, may I never wake up. I don't care whether there is a heaven or hell, or whether Jesus was human and not divine. I do believe that the path I have been following is the key to experiencing life in all its fullness because I have found it so. I will never recant my faith.