afraid to try to have a long-term relationship with a fella

D

Denise1952

Well-known Member
I wanted to be clear on the topic, so it turned out long, but that's it. I've been alone about 18 years, but for all but the last two, I really looked for someone. Then I just got content, and felt I was over ever wanting to meet someone, but guess I still have that hope. But I met up with a guy from highschool that I always liked, but was dating another guy. We are both single now, and he is still such a nice guy. He wants us to meet, and I am afraid I will find all the things I can find, that are wrong with him:(

I feel depressed a lot since I moved into my place. It's like "thinking" everything was finally going to be ok, but I'm not ok, feel like crying, and like life stinks.

Please forgive the whine, denise
 

Are you sure you shouldn't just get some goldfish? :D

My roomie was like me for the longest time - basically leading a monk's (nuns?) life. Now all of a sudden she has two guys calling and texting her - the new guy she just met while out at the store, and the other one is a former BF from years ago.

She's questioning me on all sorts of things regarding these two but I told her I can't make that kind of decision for her - only SHE can decide.

Problem is: with the new guy she's afraid to go anywhere except to her usual restaurant, and only for lunch, not dinner, because it won't be dark out(?).

With the other guy her history sounds a bit spotty with some abuse - at least, mental - from him in the distant past.

Thing is, she lives in the past and cannot get over her previous wounds. I think it's keeping her from enjoying the present, but of course I didn't live her life.

Take every day as new, every relationship as starting fresh. Forget the past - open up to new possibilities. Step outside your safety zone.

... but always keep your guard up. ;)


Remember, Denise, this is advice coming from a monk. That's like asking a lamb what to do about the lion problem.
 
Denise1952 said:
But I met up with a guy from highschool that I always liked, but was dating another guy. We are both single now, and he is still such a nice guy. He wants us to meet, and I am afraid I will find all the things I can find, that are wrong with him:(
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Just my opinion, but I say go for it Denise. Otherwise you may always wonder, "What if?"

I think your sadness is a temporary thing, and is only natural because you have made so many changes recently. You are just too positive a person to stay down for long. :grouphug:
 

Thanks, both of you. I can't help but think about long term, like, what about when things are "normal" and the excitement of the new wears off. How can I get used to being around someone when I've been such a loner. I never thought about this when I was young, I did just jump in. But I was always kind of like a fly. When in the house, the fly wants out, when outside, it wants in.
 
Awww Denise you're not whining...never think that...you're here among friends and asking for help, completely normal!!

I'm not expert of course but I think you're feelings of being 'not ok' since moving into your new place probably stems not only for your high expectations of living alone after the transient situations in which you've been having to live in the last 2 years..but also the high stress levels..so it's absolutely normal for you to believe that as soon as you removed yourself from that , then things would revert back to being the Normal you expected it to be, but of course, it won't be..not at first. You're living alon for the first time in a while...you've got new neighbours whom you don't know well and you have to get used to...you're bound to be missing the company of people to talk and listen when you needed...even if you're not missing the negative aspects of some of them ..and even missing some of whom you may have become close with over the last 2 years!!

new area..new home, new neighbours, lack of company...little money...all equates to you feeling lonely I'm sure, and not surprising at all that you're thinking of a possible relationship again, but your confidence has taken a HUGE Kick in the behind of late, and it must seem that you are always going to be searching for the negative in what initially looks like the Pot of Gold in the rainbow..you've been burned so many times with so many things in such a short period, that you're justifiably scared that something you think will turn out well just might not, so instead the your inner self protection will kick in foirst and you'll be searching for the negative in a guy before the positives.

Denise, you know this guy, you've known him a long time...why not go along for just some very casual dating, nothing serious, don't think of it as a possible long term commitment, just go to enjoy each others' company on a fun basis and see what transpires.

It's what I would do in your situation , I wish you luck chica you deserve some!!
 
I guess I'd like to hear about someone like me, been alone "maybe" too long, but they met someone, and actually are doing well for the long-term. But of course I still want to hear from anyone that wants to reply;) I learn a bit of something from whoever posts.
 
Denise1952 said:
Thanks, both of you. I can't help but think about long term, like, what about when things are "normal" and the excitement of the new wears off. How can I get used to being around someone when I've been such a loner. I never thought about this when I was young, I did just jump in. But I was always kind of like a fly. When in the house, the fly wants out, when outside, it wants in.
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May I suggest then that madame obtain the services of a male escort? No long-term commitments and pay by the hour ...
 
hollydolly said:
Awww Denise you're not whining...never think that...you're here among friends and asking for help, completely normal!!

I'm not expert of course but I think you're feelings of being 'not ok' since moving into your new place probably stems not only for your high expectations of living alone after the transient situations in which you've been having to live in the last 2 years..but also the high stress levels..so it's absolutely normal for you to believe that as soon as you removed yourself from that , then things would revert back to being the Normal you expected it to be, but of course, it won't be..not at first. You're living alon for the first time in a while...you've got new neighbours whom you don't know well and you have to get used to...you're bound to be missing the company of people to talk and listen when you needed...even if you're not missing the negative aspects of some of them ..and even missing some of whom you may have become close with over the last 2 years!!

new area..new home, new neighbours, lack of company...little money...all equates to you feeling lonely I'm sure, and not surprising at all that you're thinking of a possible relationship again, but your confidence has taken a HUGE Kick in the behind of late, and it must seem that you are always going to be searching for the negative in what initially looks like the Pot of Gold in the rainbow..you've been burned so many times with so many things in such a short period, that you're justifiably scared that something you think will turn out well just might not, so instead the your inner self protection will kick in foirst and you'll be searching for the negative in a guy before the positives.

Denise, you know this guy, you've known him a long time...why not go along for just some very casual dating, nothing serious, don't think of it as a possible long term commitment, just go to enjoy each others' company on a fun basis and see what transpires.

It's what I would do in your situation , I wish you luck chica you deserve some!!
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Funny to realize someone you only know online, can know me so well. You certainly been paying attention Holly, thanks so much. It helps to see you "get" me, because I believe you spelled me out perfectly.

I think meeting him would be good, for sure. It's a drive for me, but I don't want him to come here because I feel I need to call the shots on when to leave. It's also my hometown, where he lives, and I would love to go back for a visit anyway. So much I am not done with here, getting furniture, unpacking, organizing. Plus, it's raining so much. Well, I'll just keep thinking about it. He's been single only 2 years, and is retired, has a nice home on the river, and he is so ready to meet someone. I find that with a lot of men my age. It's ok if they are eager, but no one is going to rush me into anything, I hope.
 
Good girl, take it slowly..light heartedly..old friends meeting up , and keep it strictly on your terms... this guy may not be the right guy for you long term anywya, but the first thing you have to concentrate on is just getting your self esteem and confidence back..so take it slowly slowly, then catchee monkey.. :D
 
LOL, you are a hoot Holly, catchee monkey;) Not meeting someone, and giving them at least a chance, or giving the me a chance too, is saying I will be alone the rest of my life. I don't think that sounds good:)
 
Holly's got it, Denise! May I add that part of your feeling of depression might be like the post-Christmas letdown? the feeling of anticipation and excitement leading up to the holidays, then when New Year's is over, it feels like it was all so long ago and there's nothing to look forward to except the bleakness of winter.

After my husband died, I was all at sea trying to figure out what to do, and when I finally made the decision to come here and have my little place built onto the back of my daughter's house, there was all the planning that went into the move and into the actual building. I was so relieved that I was actually going to have a place to "land". Imagine my surprise when everything was done and I was all moved in and it registered that there was no "next" thing.

You've been kind of a nomad for a while now. Give yourself some time to settle in and adjust to your new normal! Revel in the notion of getting to go to sleep in your own place in your own bed and waking up in your own place in your own bed.

As for the idea of meeting someone, after the initial grief wore off and the aloneness of my situation set in, I was open to the idea of letting someone else "happen", but I didn't make any effort and feel like now it's far too late. If a gentleman caller just happened to serendipitously appear that would be fine, but I won't be on the lookout for anyone.

Maybe your Mr. Serendipity happened along. What can it hurt to get reacquainted? Catching up and playing "remember when?" is fun. It's not like you'd be expected to march off to the local JP and get married. Heck, you might discover that he's just what the doctor ordered and become a new old friend. At the very least, he may introduce you to his friends who will become your friends, too.

One can never have too many friends.
 
SifuPhil said:
Are you sure you shouldn't just get some goldfish? :D

Thing is, she lives in the past and cannot get over her previous wounds. I think it's keeping her from enjoying the present, but of course I didn't live her life.
Take every day as new, every relationship as starting fresh. Forget the past - open up to new possibilities. Step outside your safety zone.

... but always keep your guard up. ;)
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I agree with Phil here, excellent advice, except I'd trade the goldfish for a furkid. :p If anything happened to my husband, I don't think I would ever have a serious relationship with another man, definitely not live with one is the way I feel now, and I can't see that changing. And I've been with him for over 40 years, almost always have been in a relationship, never really on my own.

You should be enjoying your new place, but I know you've been through a lot and moving in isn't going to bring real happiness right away...hugs. Like Sifu suggested, don't fret over the past, it's a waste of your precious moments in the now. Stay open to possibilities, but like with many things in life, don't have too high of expectations, then you're never too disappointed if things don't work out. Most importantly, watch your back, nobody else will (and follow you gut feelings). :love_heart:
 
Denise - remember: "normal" is overrated, in my humble opinion....

I've been in a relationship for over six years now and it's going as well as can be expected, considering that we're not all that compatible (other than liking to travel and a few other aspects). It's not the love affair of the century (I had that with my late husband), it's not the sex affair of the century (I've briefly had that, too, and while it was nice, it didn't make up for what was missing from the relationship), but there's enough good stuff to make it work for us. We muddle along, probably better than a lot of people who have been married for 50 years. I learned that I CAN live without a man but I prefer NOT to live without a man.

Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and take the leap. Otherwise you spend the rest of your life saying "what if, what if, what if" and after a while, there IS no more "what if".
 
I thank all the input, and will be back to check on possibly more later. I hope there is nothing wrong with just, wanting to sleep a lot (2 hour naps last 3 days). I'm not sick, I just feel I need more rest, of course lastnight, I only slept about 4 hours, if that, duh!!;) see you all later I'm sure;) denise
 
Denise, be careful about getting enough sleep.

I once spent a week getting only one hour of sleep a night. On Saturday morning I woke up with a yak in my bed.

A MALE yak. :(
 
slowly slowly, then catchee monkey..

th


Yep I think that sums it up perfectly. Sometimes we gotta break out of our comfort zone. It can be really really hard sometimes...but it can be so darn empowering. Then you give yourself a big hug just for trying. It might work beautifully or it might not. But you know you stepped out there and tried. I admire you guys, I've never lived alone ever. Like last night we dropped my Dad off. He has a nice sized condo. Full sized plus a guest bedroom and bath. I was thinking that last night...going home to nobody...not even a hamster in the house. I don't think I could do that.
 
SifuPhil said:
Denise, be careful about getting enough sleep.

I once spent a week getting only one hour of sleep a night. On Saturday morning I woke up with a yak in my bed.

A MALE yak. :(
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I don't understand sweetie, but if that's what happens if I don't get my rest, I am glad I had this nap today;)
 
fureverywhere said:
slowly slowly, then catchee monkey..

th


Yep I think that sums it up perfectly. Sometimes we gotta break out of our comfort zone. It can be really really hard sometimes...but it can be so darn empowering. Then you give yourself a big hug just for trying. It might work beautifully or it might not. But you know you stepped out there and tried. I admire you guys, I've never lived alone ever. Like last night we dropped my Dad off. He has a nice sized condo. Full sized plus a guest bedroom and bath. I was thinking that last night...going home to nobody...not even a hamster in the house. I don't think I could do that.
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Thanks Fur, I'm used to living alone for the most part, that's why it scares me to ever "have" to live with anyone again. I guess there are people that I might be comfy enough around to live with, just never met anyone.
 
jujube said:
Was it just the yak's head or the whole yak? That will tell us a lot about WHY the yak was in your bed.
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Oh, it was the whole yak, all right - I didn't refuse to cast anybody in my movie. ;)

Denise1952 said:
I don't understand sweetie, but if that's what happens if I don't get my rest, I am glad I had this nap today;)
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Well, without sleep one's judgement suffers. I had been out to the single's bar Friday night ...
 
SifuPhil said:
Oh, it was the whole yak, all right - I didn't refuse to cast anybody in my movie. ;)



Well, without sleep one's judgement suffers. I had been out to the single's bar Friday night ...
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LOL, "thanks, for the memories, lala lala lal"!
 
I agree with Phil too. Be open to new possibilities but always consider the problems just around the corner, particularly the health problems.
I would not be too keen on facing serious ill health of a partner, including strokes and dementia, unless that person was very special indeed.
 
You never know until you try.

Really though...I lived at home, then first husband and multiple cats, then son and multiple cats, then second hubby and love of my life and several cats and eventually five kids, briefly me and three kids and multiple cats, back to hubby with three kids multiple cats and dog, minus one kid add another dog, hubby and two dogs five cats and a pack of rats. If I can use the bathroom alone I'm good.
 

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