Anti-Valentines Day: A Modest Proposal

S

SifuPhil

R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
Location
Pennsylvania, USA
Holy Hallmark® Hell, it's Anti-Valentine's Day! Time to break out the dead roses and black bunting, draw up your list of AVD party games and figure out just WHY you're celebrating this Nietzschean holiday.


You loser.


Seriously … Anti-Valentine's Day (coincidentally, held on the same day as Valentine's Day) is a booming business. Just look at all the cards and supplies that are offered for sale – that alone should tell you something. If it doesn't, just wait – your home is going to start filling up with red balloons, boxes of candy and dozens of overpriced roses. You couldn't ignore it if you tried.


So instead of gritting your teeth every time the “Crazy4U” balloon floats over your dining room table, take a more reactive approach to neutralization – show off your OWN set of AVD tchotchkes.


Make sure you're dressed all in black from head to toe. Don't shower for a week beforehand … that should give the proper bouquet to your domicile. Hang up pictures of beheaded Cupids. Put out a tray of stale dollar-store candy, the kind that's made in China and sits in a warehouse in Kowloon for seven months. Hang black crepe paper and deflated Black Mamba condoms on your walls.


Here's a wonderful bit of irony …Century Novelty offers AVD vinyl window clings with pithy sayings such as “YOU WISH” and “DROP DEAD” - lovely sentiments for the holiday, true, but the kicker is the warning box below the item …


clingwarning.jpg
… or romantics over 18 …


Isn't that GREAT?!?


Now, you're going to have visitors to your home lording it over you … “Oh, look what MY husband got me for Valentine's Day!”, and “Hey, look – my wife bought ME roses! Hahahahaha...”


Here's what you do to ensure the greatest Anti-Valentine's Day ever … go to FlameThrowerPlans.com and order their flamethrower plans ebook. You used to be able to purchase a completely-assembled flamethrower for only $897 – a small price to pay when you see the expressions on their smug faces turn to horror - but for whatever reason they seem to have stopped selling them. Bummer.


Flamethrower.jpg.png
The Ultimate AVD Weapon



So here's the quick check-list for an anti-holiday you'll never forget:



  1. Black clothing
  2. Stale candy
  3. Black crepe paper
  4. Black Mamba condoms, deflated
  5. Pictures of beheaded Cupids
  6. Baby-choking window clings
  7. Flamethrower
For well under $1,000 you'll be the talk of the town for years to come – go get 'em, tiger, and happy AVD!
 
Shalimar said:
Philly, did I mention I am descended from Welsh witches? No necessarily benign? I think I will buy a flamethrower after all, cariad.
Click to expand...

A flamethrower is an immensely practical thing to own.

When you're not using it to burn weeds or barbecue that suckling pig, you can turn it on those that do you wrong.
 
Sooooo since Philly doesn't want my valentine goodies, who wants to share Belgian chocolates, locally made, fancy meal, possibly masses of booze, snug by the fireplace.? I will play jazz and blues on the piano if asked. Warmth and laughter a must.
 
SifuPhil said:
Holy Hallmark® Hell, it's Anti-Valentine's Day! Time to break out the dead roses and black bunting, draw up your list of AVD party games and figure out just WHY you're celebrating this Nietzschean holiday.


You loser.


Seriously … Anti-Valentine's Day (coincidentally, held on the same day as Valentine's Day) is a booming business. Just look at all the cards and supplies that are offered for sale – that alone should tell you something. If it doesn't, just wait – your home is going to start filling up with red balloons, boxes of candy and dozens of overpriced roses. You couldn't ignore it if you tried.


So instead of gritting your teeth every time the “Crazy4U” balloon floats over your dining room table, take a more reactive approach to neutralization – show off your OWN set of AVD tchotchkes.


Make sure you're dressed all in black from head to toe. Don't shower for a week beforehand … that should give the proper bouquet to your domicile. Hang up pictures of beheaded Cupids. Put out a tray of stale dollar-store candy, the kind that's made in China and sits in a warehouse in Kowloon for seven months. Hang black crepe paper and deflated Black Mamba condoms on your walls.


Here's a wonderful bit of irony …Century Novelty offers AVD vinyl window clings with pithy sayings such as “YOU WISH” and “DROP DEAD” - lovely sentiments for the holiday, true, but the kicker is the warning box below the item …


View attachment 26478
… or romantics over 18 …


Isn't that GREAT?!?


Now, you're going to have visitors to your home lording it over you … “Oh, look what MY husband got me for Valentine's Day!”, and “Hey, look – my wife bought ME roses! Hahahahaha...”


Here's what you do to ensure the greatest Anti-Valentine's Day ever … go to FlameThrowerPlans.com and order their flamethrower plans ebook. You used to be able to purchase a completely-assembled flamethrower for only $897 – a small price to pay when you see the expressions on their smug faces turn to horror - but for whatever reason they seem to have stopped selling them. Bummer.


View attachment 26477
The Ultimate AVD Weapon



So here's the quick check-list for an anti-holiday you'll never forget:



  1. Black clothing
  2. Stale candy
  3. Black crepe paper
  4. Black Mamba condoms, deflated
  5. Pictures of beheaded Cupids
  6. Baby-choking window clings
  7. Flamethrower
For well under $1,000 you'll be the talk of the town for years to come – go get 'em, tiger, and happy AVD!
Click to expand...

I don't have a love-life, so I need to just make due with what I do have. That means you Phil!! You lucky, little devil:

for phil.jpg
 
SifuPhil said:
A flamethrower is an immensely practical thing to own.

When you're not using it to burn weeds or barbecue that suckling pig, you can turn it on those that do you wrong.
Click to expand...

I'd use it to heat up my truck-engine, it's getting ancient, and tired of giving all that dough to "mechanics";) Do they come with batteries? Not the mechanics, the flame-thrower;)
 
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