Are extravagant weddings a waste of time and money?

fuzzybuddy

fuzzybuddy

SF VIP
Location
The Sticks, Northeast PA.
In another section of this forum, I joked about having a "keg party" type of inexpensive wedding. I'm staggered by the costs of these extravagant weddings. Of course, if you have the bucks, go right ahead. A while ago, I worked with a widow, whose daughter was getting married. They weren't rich by any means, but they both wanted one of those no holds barred, extravagant weddings. Lots of attendants, limos, etc., etc. The mother remortgaged her paid for home. They spent thousands on this wedding. The wedding cost the same as a decent down payment on a nice, new home-something that didn't vanish in a few hours. Two months later, the daughter got an annulment, because hubby couldn't perform. Now, the mother has to work till she's in her 70s to pay off the wedding. I felt so bad for her. Are extravagant, expensive weddings a waste of time and money?
 

Remortaging your house seems a bit over the top, sad but I suppose parents go along with it, a friend’s daughter was given the choice of a big wedding or the deposit on a house, she chose the wedding and now pays exorbitant rent, and with children, will never scrape a deposit together, all she has to show for it is a photograph album...

Of course it’s down to personal choice, but I wouldn’t get into debt for a lavish wedding, luckily my daughter didn’t want all that fuss, she had a very small private wedding, and as it turned out, a divorce a couple of years later so I was glad I hadn’t forked out a fortune catering for a load of people I didn’t even know and would probably never meet again !
 

We all need to make our own choices but I would much rather see a young couple spend the money on a solid start in life.

As a guest, I've always looked at invitations to large lavish weddings as an obligation/duty/imposition with the old notion that the cost of my gift should cover the cost of my plate at the reception. :playful:
 
I had to borrow £11, $14, off my new father in law (who I'd only met twice!) to pay for the honetmoon, a week in a guest house.

We lasted 54 years.

It was good value!
 
We have always opted for small weddings in the family. My sister even wore my wedding dress as my family really could not afford another one. She asked to wear it and I said yes. A friend made our wedding cakes. I made the punch, cookies and chicken salad sandwiches for both weddings. We only had family and a few friends from church so it was very modest. My dad was handicapped and could hardly work as it was. Mama worked at the grocery store and the three of us had part time jobs through high school. It was no big deal. We did what we had too and still love the pictures that friends and family made of our weddings for us.
 
My thinking about weddings is that the most important part is the vows that the couple make. It is their public commitment to each other and intended to be binding.

The engagement period should be a time of reflection, when they each ask themselves whether this commitment is what they really want and will adhere to, even when the flush of youth and the glow of romance have faded.

IMO a lavish wedding show gets in the way of this. I told my daughter and her intended when they announced that they were engaged that they should think carefully about this because in our family this is a game we play for keeps. She asked me if I didn't want them to marry. I answered that I wanted them to really mean it. I also said that during the engagement, right up to the day before the wedding, if either of them had doubts, it would be OK to cancel the wedding. After the wedding I expected them to stick to their vows. Their wedding list was about 100 guests and the reception was a luncheon because the bride wanted to have all of her cousins present and some were rather young. At the time, the groom was unemployed and the bride was between nursing jobs. They had come to us to ask whether they should go ahead with the wedding in these circumstances. This time my answer was that I saw no reason not to because marriage is for better and worse, and things could only get better. And they did, but the early years did present some financial challenges.

I believe that an elaborate and expensive wedding doesn't give the couple freedom to question their commitment. Imagine telling the parents the day before your wedding that it was a mistake if the ceremony and reception are costing an arm and a leg. Who would dare?

My thinking on weddings is that they are public events and should be dignified and serious. The guest list needs may need to be limited to keep it affordable. Hospitality should be offered to the guests in the form of food, drink and entertainment but ostentation should be avoided. I feel the same about funerals. No-one should go into debt for either.

I am of Anglo Saxon descent and I realise that my thinking is not the thinking of other cultures. In some cultures it is a matter of shame not to invite everyone in the extended family and all of the important people in your village to a wedding that may go on for several days. I'm thinking of Pacific Islanders, Indians, Italians and many more that I cannot think of right now. Indian brides must be decked out in as much gold jewellery as the family can afford. Chinese parents lose face if their children's weddings are not lavish enough. This puts an enormous financial strain on the lesser paid workers. If I had been raised in such a culture my thinking would be very different.

In the end, a fancy wedding cannot create a successful marriage. Only the couple themselves can do that by holding fast to their vows through the good times and the bad.
 
I work for very well-to-do clients, and have for 20+ years. I think of them as the country club set...old money, generations worth, they were raised with privilege, have lived lives of privilege and are raising their children the same way. I've helped with a few weddings over the years, and the price tags were astronomical!

The last one I worked on cost around $350,000.00. I didn't misplace a zero or two...I am not kidding. Mom and Daughter both went to New York for their designer gowns. 300+ guests. Gorgeous invitations with by hand calligraphied addresses (just the addressing alone cost several thousand dollars!) They took over the entire country club, had the outside beautifully tented and heated, fresh flowers everywhere, amazing food, open bar, gorgeous linens and silver and crystal, well known band (this is Nashville after all...lots of music choices!!) with cooks and caterers and valets and bartenders and a horse drawn carriage to deliver them after the wedding service and take them away after the reception. It was a stunning display.

Mom and Dad could afford it so why not? I can give you a thousand reasons why not, but it wasn't my call!!! I don't care how much money I had, I don't think I could ever spend anywhere near that much on a wedding! But I also know, from having worked for this strata of society for as many years as I have, that they don't have the same perspective I have. This is just what they're used to, how they were raised, what they know. I know different, which means what I do is going to look different.
 
Want to see a "lavish" wedding, just watch the movie, Jumping The Broom or, how about a really lavish birthday party in the movie, Meet Joe Black (Brad Pitt).

Our Western wedding definitely wasn't like some Western weddings where a horse and buggy is either rented or borrowed to sweep the bride and groom away after the wedding. Heck, the groom's cowboy hat would probably cost more than my entire wedding outfit.
 
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No marriage is guaranteed to work regardless of the cost of the wedding. Different things are important to different people, some dream about a big fancy wedding and if they can afford it, they should have it and enjoy. We did as Aunt Bea suggested, had a small justice of the peace ceremony and had a party afterwards at a friend's house. We honeymooned in Yellowstone National Park camping....the money we saved helped us to get out of apartment life much earlier and buy our first house together. Been happily married for 42 years now.
 
Actually, my first marriage was at local court house, with a witness. Second marriage, unfortunately same lady, was at a very small wedding chapel in the desert of So California. Third marriage, current one, was at a Western Amusement Park I use to work at in their stagecoach horse stables.

We had that Western wedding at that Park and loved every bit of the ceremony, with the small sanctuary filled with friends and guests in Western & Square Dance attire. Both of us were into Square Dancing at the time.
 
As others have pointed out, this is largely a matter of personal taste and values. If people want a lavish, expensive wedding and they can afford it, why not?

But I have to add that something about these ridiculously over-the-top productions makes me uncomfortable. In a world with so much hardship and starvation, isn't this kind of conspicuous consumption pretty awful? What kind of message is being given, and will it make the newlyweds any happier, really, in the long run?

I also feel that way about the "destination weddings" that impose a huge financial burden on all the guests. When is it time to say, "Enough, already?"
 
The most moving wedding I attended was a simple affair in an out door chapel. The couple didn't have a pot. The worst was an elaborate affair where the bride came from a wealthy family, and the groom didn't. On one side of the room was Tuxes and Diamonds; the other side, Leisure Suits. Both sides were openly hostile to each other. Yes, it is up to the couple to decide on the type of wedding they want, but what type do you like attending?
 
My wedding in 1969 cost about $150. I had bought my dress and veil in Vienna for practically nothing a couple of years earlier. I had a lovely wedding in the church (no charge) and a punch-and-cake reception in the Fellowship Hall (no charge for the hall, church already had tables, chairs, tablecloths. Mom made the bridesmaid dresses, practically nothing. Flowers ran about $75. Cake was $35. Punch was very little. Church had candelabras, kneeling bench, etc. Candles weren't much. Marriage lasted 38 years.

My daughter just had to have a big wedding. I had barely paid off the wedding before she got divorced (and I paid for the divorce, to boot....)

My granddaughter had a lovely back-yard wedding, described by her as "Hey, we're having a BBQ and, by the way, we're getting married, too!" I flew up a couple of months early and dragged her to a wedding dress store as I was determined she was going to wear a wedding dress. Luckily, she's a size 3, so it was easy to snag a lovely simple and elegant one off the samples rack for $130. Couldn't get her in a veil, though. She made all the decorations (and they were lovely). A friend married them, another got them a great deal on the food (and was the grillmaster at the reception), another friend had a son who was just getting started in wedding photography and videography, so they got that for free. They bought the marquee tents for the backyard from Amazon and then turned around and sold them again for more than they paid for them, thus by-passing the cost of tent rental. A pretty white gazebo from Home Depot, decorated by the bride with flowers and hanging candles served as the alter and now shelters their picnic table. Tables and chairs were borrowed from their church. Table cloths, plates, cups and utensils were disposable. The bridesmaids all wore blue dresses, whatever they had or wanted, as long as it was dark blue. The guys wore navy blue pants and grey shirts with navy blue ties. The wedding cake and cupcakes came from Costco. The bouquets were made by the bride. Music was recorded. Lots of beer and wine, sodas and iced tea, and a few bottles of hard stuff discretely kept out of sight from the boozers. Altogether a beautiful wedding that cost less than $1500. I won't be around at their 50th wedding anniversary party, but I'm pretty sure it'll happen and that it will be in their backyard.

I don't know the figures of correlation between the cost of a wedding and the "survivability" of a marriage, but I'll bet the strain of starting out a relationship with a huge debt has to be a problem.

That said, it's no skin off my teeth what kind of wedding people have, as long as I don't have to pay for it...…..
 
Sunny said:
But I have to add that something about these ridiculously over-the-top productions makes me uncomfortable. In a world with so much hardship and starvation, isn't this kind of conspicuous consumption pretty awful?
Click to expand...

Sorry, but I disagree about considering the state of the world when planning a wedding. There have been the "haves and have nots" since the beginning of time, and there always will be if we live in a free society.
 
Here is an account of a notoriously extravagant wedding that took place in Sydney a few years ago.

It was certainly extravagant but also notorious because the groom was Deputy Mayor who abused his position to close a street and told residents that their vehicles would be towed away at their expense. He had no permission for this action.

Since the wedding, he has been convicted of corruption involving property deals and his wife has abandoned him. The poor deluded girl had even endured plastic surgery to make her into the perfect Lebanese beauty queen - she isn't Lebanese.

In this case, we can't even excuse the extravagance on the grounds that it was his money. It mostly wasn't and he stiffed contractors he hired to install an elaborate staircase in his home. Not all wealth is honorably gained.

There is a pre wedding video in this link that will amaze.

https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/n...e/news-story/e64984548ac773ea53cee832c4cfa4ff
 
Well, I think someone should wear this glow in the dark gown for their wedding!

iu
 
I used to teach a short course on marriage to Year 9 girls and when I explained the difference between the wedding and the marriage I struck a few hurdles. I suggested that a marriage was valid even without the trimmings and the universal response was if they couldn't dress up as a bride they wouldn't get married at all.

We do see this attitude in practice today. Couples live together, have children together but wait until they can afford the full on wedding before formalising the relationship. Effectively they have been married all along but the ceremony and traditions are still very important and they are prepared to wait for them.
 
41-50 % of first marriages end in divorce... and the average age is 27. So as an engaged couple be ready to share in the cost of getting married if your choice is to make a grand show of it. Mom and dad should never be shamed into supporting a lavishly over spent wedding yet we all know as parents most of us want to see our children happy. There is not enough good role modeling of what a good marriage looks like today... all I know is the money spent on the wedding does not guarantee a long marriage.
 

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