Confronting Shock at an Older Age

Inept

Inept

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I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?
 

“But how do they do it?”
There is no way out of the agony. Sorry. It just becomes a part of the New You. Don’t bother pulling and pushing and trying to make things fit. They won’t. You will suffer agony as long as it is there. No way out.
 
Pepper said:
“But how do they do it?”
There is no way out of the agony. Sorry. It just becomes a part of the New You. Don’t bother pulling and pushing and trying to make things fit. They won’t. You will suffer agony as long as it is there. No way out.
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You make a good point Pepper. Mercifully divorce is not something that's happened in our family, but unexpected bereavement has. My mother died at the age of 36, leaving her husband to raise four children alone. This was back in 1956 before all the social service care that we take for granted today was in place.

Next year will be the seventieth anniversary of that painful event, father raised us alone, he never wanted another wife, the love of his life had died and part of him had died with her. Dad went on to live a full life, passing away at the age of 92.

When you love someone the way Dad loved his wife, the way we loved mother, getting over it is not the term I would use, it's more of coming to terms with the pain and loss. 70 years on and mother's death can still induce the odd tear or two. Not the words of comfort Inept might want to hear, but life can be like that, so cruel at times.
 

There’s no getting over Inept. There is only getting through. I’ll never get over the shock of finding my husband dead and how I tried to WAKE HIM UP! Knocked him right off from where I found him. Caused his head to Crash! Boom! Creating a tumult I’ll never forget!
I’m spending time on you Inept; to stand with you so you can feel less alone in this situation I know all too well, grief and loneliness.
 
Divorce is not equivalent to being widowed. It's the dissolution of a marriage, not the death of a spouse.

I'm widowed and was utterly devastated by my husband's sudden death. Every time someone said to me, “Keep busy,” I wanted to knock them up the side of the head with a two-by-four. “Keeping busy” doesn't give you amnesia.

Making it through each day is the key to survival. It takes time and is undoubtedly difficult to accept and cope with the loss, grief, pain, and guilt, but you must learn to carry and manage it. Endlessly lamenting and obsessing over the woulda, coulda, shoulda will do nothing but drag you down, and you will sink deeper into the abyss. You'll adjust by gradually coming to terms with the knowledge that it's finished. You'll make it through, and you will survive.
 
Bella said:
Divorce is not equivalent to being widowed.
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I do not entirely agree.
Bella said:
It's the dissolution of a marriage, not the death of a spouse.
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That is obvious but being alone is something else.
Bella said:
I'm widowed and was utterly devastated by my husband's sudden death. Every time someone said to me, “Keep busy,” I wanted to knock them up the side of the head with a two-by-four. “Keeping busy” doesn't give you amnesia.
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You managed to make me cry and laugh at the same time. :cry::D
Bella said:
Making it through each day is the key to survival. It takes time and is undoubtedly difficult to accept and cope with the loss, grief, pain, and guilt, but you must learn to carry and manage it. Endlessly lamenting and obsessing over the woulda, coulda, shoulda will do nothing but drag you down, and you will sink deeper into the abyss. You'll adjust by gradually coming to terms with the knowledge that it's finished. You'll make it through, and you will survive.
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My head tells me that everything you say is true but my heart tells me ..... whew! .... I don't know how I'm going to make it.
 
Bella said:
Divorce is not equivalent to being widowed. It's the dissolution of a marriage, not the death of a spouse.

I'm widowed and was utterly devastated by my husband's sudden death. Every time someone said to me, “Keep busy,” I wanted to knock them up the side of the head with a two-by-four. “Keeping busy” doesn't give you amnesia.

Making it through each day is the key to survival. It takes time and is undoubtedly difficult to accept and cope with the loss, grief, pain, and guilt, but you must learn to carry and manage it. Endlessly lamenting and obsessing over the woulda, coulda, shoulda will do nothing but drag you down, and you will sink deeper into the abyss. You'll adjust by gradually coming to terms with the knowledge that it's finished. You'll make it through, and you will survive.
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Pepper said:
Beautifully written @Bella
I didn't realize you were a sudden death widow
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I agree. That was beautifully written Bella.
 
Inept said:
I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?
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I lost my loving husband of fifty years this past October, unexpectedly in the middle of the night, he had no disease and was basically in good health except for painful legs from past injuries.

I have never thought of ending my life, it's bad enough he lost his, he would want me to continue mine as best as I can, which is what I'm doing. I continue with daily life as I did when he was still alive, same routine, give the dog walks, care for the cat, do any work needed in house and yard, etc.

I will never stop suffering his loss, we were very closely bonded, very much in love until the end and I will always love him. We were best friends, he was a big part of me that will always be gone. My grief will end when my life does, whenever that day may come.

I'm sorry you're suffering, I wish you strength, peace and light in your future. Just take care of yourself and love yourself, you deserve it. Maybe good things will come to you, until then, just live your life and make the best of it....hugs.
 
Pepper said:
If my husband had wanted a divorce I would have to have killed him thus making me a widow
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I always told my husband that if he ever wanted a divorce that I would not try to stop him and I would wish him well in his new life. I was always of the mindset, even in my younger years, that nobody was born on this earth to please a particular person, if we found someone who made us happy, was kind and we loved, that would be the ideal partner. If there's fighting or distrust in the relationship, time to move on. Life is too short to be miserable, even being alone in many times better than living with a bad and negative person. I wouldn't want anyone who no longer loved me and wanted to be with me.
 
I am so sorry your suffering seems to be relentless. I have had the mixed blessing of having a brain that can “shut off” and think of nothing for periods of time…giving me peace. I have sometimes felt that there is a bit of outside pressure to “suffer enough” in times of grief and stress…. But if there are moments when it just shuts off embrace them.
 
Inept said:
I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. [1] Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

[2] Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. [3] And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. [4] But how do they do it?
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[1] No, When my wife died, I did not consider taking my own life.

[2] Keeping busy is something I have to do. I'm sorry if you can't do it, don't want to, or don't know how to go about it, because when I'm troubled, I cannot sit and dwell on it. I have to find something to do to direct my thoughts elsewhere. I also like movies. If I get absorbed in a good movie, it takes my mind off my troubles - not permanently, but a 2 hour reprieve is better than nothing, and sometimes it clears your mind the rest of that day. Find a funny one; nothing about divorces or death.

[3] I know. I've read many of your posts, so I know how you feel about religion, and that is your right; I don't knock you for it, but my belief has helped me through bad times.

[4] "But how do they do it?" I don't know how they do it.
I lost my ability to cry a long time ago - I guess from suppressing it too many times. I wish I could have cried; it may have helped, but I'm not sure.
I went to a support group, I unloaded my grief on a close friend, I tried to get closer to people I previously considered only casual friends. I went on day trips, to church dinners, and so on. I went to a professional counselor. Some of that may have been good for me. Surely it didn't hurt.
But, in the course of all that, I learned that some of the people I talked with did genuinely care, but I had unfairly burdened them by leaning too heavily on them. They can only do and say so much, but they don't have magical words to take away the pain. I had to experience it myself, and and go through it, not around it.
 
Della said:
No one did ask you and no one here told you to find Jesus.
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How would you know? You don't. If you have a problem you might consider creating your own thread. This is my thread - my problem. I haven't invited people to contibute additions to it.
 

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