Inept,
I am right there with you. I understand completely what you’re feeling. I was blindsided last May with the announcement he wanted a divorce, after 27 years of marriage. He had given me roses 5 days earlier. Go figure.
And no, he didn’t leave for another woman—it’s a very long story, but basically he left over politics. He became a member of the lovely cult known as QAnon, and he moved over 1000 miles away to immerse himself in that life.
He also took tons of my money when he left, leaving me to live off my IRA. So I’m alone at 67, with my retirement dreans of traveling with my spouse gone and my many years of hard work and careful financial planning now supporting HIM in his new life as a hate-filled, pretend “Christian” who believes in stupid things like lizard people and actors impersonating politicians who’ve been executed at Gitmo.
Anyway, like I said—I get it. In the fitst six months my anger powered me through. I was also pretty numb. I leaned hard on family and friends and talked nonstop about how horrible it was.
Then I started to notice those people starting to pull back a little bit. They were rightly tired of hearing it and wondering why I couldn’t “just move on”.
You can’t. The feelings of betrayal don’t just go away!!!
I became even more immersed in my pain for the next 3 months. I’ve literally felt suicidal multiple times, yes. But I don’t act on it because I can’t devastate my family like that. They’ve had enough of their own pain without me adding more.
I have sobbed for hours at a time SO many times, to the point where I feel like I’m going to turn myself inside out. I tried a therapist, but she wasn’t a lot of help except at listening to me vent even more.
So I felt really really stuck. I didn’t see how anything would ever get better (especially since I was still so angry and bitter); and like you said, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I kept very busy during the days, but the minute i tried to lie down and sleep, all I could do was obsess. It got so bad that I called the suicide hotline 3 times.
I’ve taken to putting a comedian on my phone and falling asleep listening to that, after taking something to help me sleep. It’s the only way I can get any rest at all. Like you,, it feels like nearly everything on tv is about love/marriage/dating/divorce. So I watch things like Seinfeld over and over.
One night out of desperation I googled “how to get over betrayal”. Through that I found there’s something called “betrayal trauma”, and its symptoms closely mimic those of PTSD. It’s extreme betrayal by an intimate partner, resulting in loss of the relationship, dreams, and the future you had envisioned and planned on, plus more.
From there I actually found a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. I had my first session with her this week. The one nugget I took away from that was this: I was surprised by a very big, very bad event in the past. There’s an equal chance that I could be surprised by a very big, very GOOD event in my future.
I had never considered that until she said it! I wrote it on a blackboard in my kitchen and keep reading it, to limp through until I can talk with her again next week.
One thing that helped me more than I expected was cutting ties with every member of his family. I deleted them from social media, blocked them, deleted their texts and contacts from my phone.
And when I start thinking about anything relative to him, memories of him, or the divorce, I say to myself “STOP!” and then focus immediately on something that always makes me happy (in my case, a 3 yr old child I spend lots of time with).
I’m not sure I answered all your questions,or any of them. If not, just let me know and I’ll try again. Bottom line: I’m in the thick of this with you; it’s absolutely traumatic; and I sometimes feel like I have nothing to live for. But then I tell myself that’s not true, and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, getting through one day at a time the best I can. I still cry a lot, and I feel very lonely for the support and comfort of a partner—and I feel like I’m so old at 67 that I’m too old to ever find love again. I can only hope that’s not true.
Oh—and before anyone tells me I’m better off without him, that’s true. But it doesn’t make the betrayal and lies and abandonment any less traumatic.
I am sorry, can't imagine how painful the loss of my DH would be.