Confronting Shock at an Older Age

[Inept]

Inept,
I am right there with you. I understand completely what you’re feeling.

I have read your whole post and I can see this is true.

I was blindsided last May with the announcement he wanted a divorce, after 27 years of marriage. He had given me roses 5 days earlier. Go figure.

After reading only this part of your post I had to put it aside for awhile. I didn’t think that I could continue reading the rest of it. It’s such a painful thing.

... basically he left over politics.

Oh, God.

He became a member of the lovely cult known as QAnon, and he moved over 1000 miles away to immerse himself in that life.

So, it is my assumption that he is suffering even more than you are.

He also took tons of my money when he left, leaving me to live off my IRA.

He isn’t the man you thought he was when you met him.

So I’m alone at 67, with my retirement dreans of traveling with my spouse gone and my many years of hard work and careful financial planning now supporting HIM in his new life as a hate-filled, pretend “Christian” who believes in stupid things like lizard people and actors impersonating politicians who’ve been executed at Gitmo.

Between the two of you, you are the lucky one.

Anyway, like I said—I get it. In the fitst six months my anger powered me through. I was also pretty numb. I leaned hard on family and friends and talked nonstop about how horrible it was.

Then I started to notice those people starting to pull back a little bit. They were rightly tired of hearing it and wondering why I couldn’t “just move on”.

That’s where I am at now. ”Just move on” is what we say to those 90 Day Fiance reality people on TV. It’s so much easier to see the mistakes and ill-placed affection for losers and such people when we are not emotionally involved ourselves.

You can’t. The feelings of betrayal don’t just go away!!!

I know.

I became even more immersed in my pain for the next 3 months. I’ve literally felt suicidal multiple times, yes. But I don’t act on it

Same here.

I have sobbed for hours at a time SO many times, to the point where I feel like I’m going to turn myself inside out.

It is starting to subside now but mornings are the worst. Waking up from a dream of blissful moments together with my wife to see the new day without any of that beauty in reality.

I tried a therapist, but she wasn’t a lot of help except at listening to me vent even more.

I went to a so-called ”therapist” of the KBT sort (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) but all she had to offer was ”get over it” so I stopped going after 3 sessions. If I had continued I’m sure she would have tried to sell me a bottle snake oil. Anyway, I’ve since been seeing a real doc and I feel much better. This one actually listens to what I have to say rather than go through a check list of pre-determined questions to which the KBT mannequin hardly responds to or even acknowledges.

So I felt really really stuck. I didn’t see how anything would ever get better (especially since I was still so angry and bitter); and like you said, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I kept very busy during the days, but the minute i tried to lie down and sleep, all I could do was obsess. It got so bad that I called the suicide hotline 3 times.

I know this so well. I haven’t rung the hotline yet but maybe it’s because I don’t want to be saved?

I’ve taken to putting a comedian on my phone and falling asleep listening to that, after taking something to help me sleep. It’s the only way I can get any rest at all. Like you,, it feels like nearly everything on tv is about love/marriage/dating/divorce. So I watch things like Seinfeld over and over.

I was taking a shot of whiskey before bed and so I began to understand how alcoholics and drug addicts must have started. One shot of booze each night might not qualify as an addiction but on one hand it is the beginning of alcoholism while on the other hand it was fairly easy to quit.

Binge-watching Seinfeld? Yeah, me too! But I have to skip over the episodes dealing with love and romance.

One night out of desperation I googled “how to get over betrayal”. Through that I found there’s something called “betrayal trauma”, and its symptoms closely mimic those of PTSD. It’s extreme betrayal by an intimate partner, resulting in loss of the relationship, dreams, and the future you had envisioned and planned on, plus more.

From there I actually found a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. I had my first session with her this week. The one nugget I took away from that was this: I was surprised by a very big, very bad event in the past. There’s an equal chance that I could be surprised by a very big, very GOOD event in my future.

I had never considered that until she said it! I wrote it on a blackboard in my kitchen and keep reading it, to limp through until I can talk with her again next week.

That must have been a turning point for you. I can close my eyes and visualize it. For me it was a similar experience. I searched for ways of dealing with my problem and I came to understand that I am a victim of a covert narcissist. I had heard the term narcissist so many times used improperly and I was sceptical about the article because of it. But as I read on I could see that it explains and defines so much that applies to my situation.

I now understand my wife’s game, her step-by-step goals and how she uses me as her scape goat for everything under the sun. I know that putting the blame on her isn’t necessarily a remedy to my problem but through understanding her behaviour I can minimize beating myself over the possibility of it all being ”my fault” or encouraging her to increase her devastating treatment of me. Obviously, the next step was to find out how to survive a covert narcissist and how to escape.

One thing that helped me more than I expected was cutting ties with every member of his family. I deleted them from social media, blocked them, deleted their texts and contacts from my phone.
And when I start thinking about anything relative to him, memories of him, or the divorce, I say to myself “STOP!” and then focus immediately on something that always makes me happy (in my case, a 3 yr old child I spend lots of time with).

I have also cut Face Book ties with those who have been shared within our circle. One big problem is her daughter, my step-daughter. I haven’t cut her out yet. I was going to let it ride until time has passed before pulling the plug, except …… she bought me a Christmas present and sent me a birthday wishes greeting. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure I answered all your questions,or any of them. If not, just let me know and I’ll try again. Bottom line: I’m in the thick of this with you; it’s absolutely traumatic; and I sometimes feel like I have nothing to live for. But then I tell myself that’s not true, and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, getting through one day at a time the best I can. I still cry a lot, and I feel very lonely for the support and comfort of a partner—and I feel like I’m so old at 67 that I’m too old to ever find love again. I can only hope that’s not true.

It’s too bad we don’t live closer, you and I. We could cry together and I guarantee you we could laugh too. I can’t promise you love but I can promise understanding … and that is a whole lot for sure.

Today is Sunday. When is your next visit with your therapist? Mine is on Wednesdays.

 

[Sunny]

I lost my loving husband 15 years ago. It wasn't unexpected, as he was going downhill for a long time. But I had no idea how I would manage being on my own. We got married straight out of college, so I just went from my parents' home to "our" home, and had never really lived alone.

To my surprise, I managed just fine. After a few months, I even went on a small cruise, just to see what it would be like to travel alone. It wasn't as enjoyable as traveling with him, but not bad either, and I did enjoy myself. I was seated at a dinner table with a lively, friendly group, which helped.

I think friends and activities do help, but basically, everyone's feelings and emotions are their own. There is no "one size fits all" method for dealing with grief. We do manage to find our own way, at least most of us do, though it might take a while.

Sorry to hear about your loss. It can't be easy, but you sound strong enough to get through it.

 

[Ruthanne]

I, too, am dealing with a significant loss. I wait for a day when I feel some kind of joy again but it's not happening yet. I guess I still am hanging on to hope.

 

[Boon54]

Sorry, but this one's about God, LOL. Bear with me.

Basically, you have to go through this, painful as it is. There may be some things you'd learn about yourself along this painful path, or you'll just be more resilient moving forward. Keeping busy and looking for things to be grateful for, appreciate and enjoy will help. You have a supportive family, so you're not really alone (even though you may feel that way).

You have 3 choices how to do it:
1. Just do it. Somehow go through it. You seem much more resilient than you sound, and you're doing the right thing in reaching out. It all speaks to your resilience and all good. This doesn't reduce your pain (hope it does) but you're doing well.

2. Mindful meditation (where you sit gently with your pain and comfort yourself, acknowledging what you are feeling but reassuring yourself that all will be well), gratitude (where you journal and notice all the good things in your life and be grateful for them), finding purpose (where you find something worthwhile to live for) and community (where you find people who are supportive and enjoy their company - it's not about dumping your sorrows upon them. This might work for a while, but you need to move beyond to simply enjoy and appreciate their company) are all tried and tested strategies used by most therapists and recommended by current science.

3.Turn to God. There are lots of literature out there about how mindfulness, gratitude, finding purpose, etc. can help us recover from traumatic experiences. A fairly easy way to do this is to believe that God exists. Talk to Him as you might to a counsellor (your Father in heaven?) and look at your life from these new hopeful eyes. You may see things differently, how little things count, how the world is not as bad as you're feeling. The more you believe in Him, the more you can feel Him helping you - you see this by noticing how your mind reframes your suffering, how the world is still beautiful and how there are friends out there.
(Prayer helps, and there is a lot of evidence around how people find comfort in prayer. You begin to notice stuff and gratitude builds up in you and the journey seems somewhat easier. It may even begin you on a journey to learn more about God and how to walk with Him. It has worked for many people - from hardened criminals to suicidal addicts. Don't knock it.)

It doesn't have to be Christianity, although for most of us, we would turn to Christ. Others have found their solutions in Buddhism, esp. Zen. Most of the rest go back to the religions they are born into or they know best. All good. If God exists, as the Bible says, He is God of all. You may have had bad experiences with religion (in particular, religious doctrine). Find one that suits you. Or it may find you, lol.

Good luck, .
PS: This posting system doesn't accept long paragraphs and I had to break up 3 into 2 paragraphs.

 

[Doste]

My mum died at the end of 2023.
She was 100 years old.
She left me nothing in her will because she believed I didn't need it.
(as far as I know most of it went to her grandchildren, who do.)

 

[RedAlert76]

I have not lost my spouse yet, so hard offer advise. But did lose my brother Feb. of this year. and am staying close to my SIL. With death you deal with it one way, with divorce after so many years, you Try to deal with it different. But..whatever you do, do not let yourself grieve to the point of ending it all. I read a book many moons ago called K.I.S.S - keep it simple stupid. It deals with how to get over a death or divorce after so many years.
Example- we all think about the good of the person,the memories, etc. and we mourn the loss of that. Instead thing about all the crap you you had to put up with.
Do you miss the screeching voice, her need for something new all the time, her burping at the table? Stuff like that is Suppose to help you keep it simple. Anyway, do not want to ramble on, do try and find some way to move on.
Before my second hubby and I married we discussed many things. One was , well what if I cheated? Would you divorce me? Um, you probably would wish I would ...35 years strong- so far

 

[Inept]

My mum died at the end of 2023.
She was 100 years old.
She left me nothing in her will because she believed I didn't need it.
(as far as I know most of it went to her grandchildren, who do.)

I like her already.

 

[Inept]

... With death you deal with it one way, with divorce ... you Try to deal with it different.

Maybe yes. Maybe no.

..... do not let yourself grieve to the point of ending it all.

I think it depends upon the gain or loss of the consequences and if you are able to influence them enough to realize a worthy existance or endurance.