Confronting Shock at an Older Age

[Inept]

[1] No, When my wife died, I did not consider taking my own life.

I envy you.

[2] Keeping busy is something I have to do. I'm sorry if you can't do it, don't want to, or don't know how to go about it, because when I'm troubled, I cannot sit and dwell on it. I have to find something to do to direct my thoughts elsewhere. I also like movies. If I get absorbed in a good movie, it takes my mind off my troubles - not permanently, but a 2 hour reprieve is better than nothing, and sometimes it clears your mind the rest of that day. Find a funny one; nothing about divorces or death.

There can be no doubt that "keeping busy" is excellent advice. It's the "how" that's the problem. I try to look at movies but they all seem to be about love, relationships, or crime so I shut them off after a few minutes. History and politics are the best diversions for me but history always comes around to Eva Braun and her devotions to Adolf (I'm exaggerating of course) and politics are discouraged on this forum.

[3] I've read many of your posts, so I know how you feel about religion, and that is your right; I don't knock you for it,

I appreciate that but I can see that not everyone here is as understanding as you.

but my belief has helped me through bad times.

That's the best part of faith and that's why I don't knock you either. I would never do that to anyone.

[4] "But how do they do it?" I don't know how they do it.
I lost my ability to cry a long time ago - I guess from suppressing it too many times. I wish I could have cried; it may have helped, but I'm not sure.
I went to a support group, I unloaded my grief on a close friend, I tried to get closer to people I previously considered only casual friends. I went on day trips, to church dinners, and so on. I went to a professional counselor. Some of that may have been good for me. Surely it didn't hurt.
But, in the course of all that, I learned that some of the people I talked with did genuinely care, but I had unfairly burdened them by leaning too heavily on them. They can only do and say so much, but they don't have magical words to take away the pain. I had to experience it myself, and and go through it, not around it.

I am unable to respond to that paragraph by expressing my full support for you in words. Let me just say .....

.

 

[Inept]

First, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The only help I can offer is that most people get through it. Some even do it with grace.

I hear you, Dave.

 

[Happy Heart]

Think about where YOU WANT to be at this time next year, then everyday take a step toward achieving that goal. Make a horizontal line on a piece of paper then 12 vertical lines representing each month, then break down each month into days and write down a goal for each day. It is okay to just have a goal of getting out of bed...even that is a step toward the future.

 

[Inept]

Think about where YOU WANT to be at this time next year, then everyday take a step toward achieving that goal. Make a horizontal line on a piece of paper then 12 vertical lines representing each month, then break down each month into days and write down a goal for each day. It is okay to just have a goal of getting out of bed...even that is a step toward the future.

That might be the biggest hurdle. I don't know where I want to be this time next year. I don't even know if I want to be anywhere.

 

[gruntlabor]

I lost my loving husband of fifty years this past October,

I talk to my beloved dead every day.

 

[gruntlabor]

How would you know? You don't. If you have a problem you might consider creating your own thread. This is my thread - my problem. I haven't invited people to contibute additions to it.

This is a public forum. By its nature it invites "people to contribute".
If you don't want people to contribute, it should be stated in your original post. I think most of us would respect your wish.

 

[Rossana]

Inept, have you considered taking an antidepressant medication for a short time? This could help you maneuvering through this difficult phase and help you regain a new sense of purpose.
I have not been through a divorce nor am I a widow but I have quite a few dear friends who have been through it and I felt their intense pain.

 

[Inept]

Inept, have you considered taking an antidepressant medication for a short time? This could help you maneuvering through this difficult phase and help you regain a new sense of purpose.

No, I haven't considered taking any sort of drugs. That is to say that I have consciously refused to consider them. It's like using taxis - I'll take the risk of getting blisters and walk instead. I have this thing about drugs. I got through the 60s and 70s without them despite enormous peer pressure. Yes, I did smoke a couple of joints but it wasn’t my thing so I didn’t carry on with it. Not even serious booze. Anyway, I hear what you are telling me and maybe … maybe ….. maybe some day if it comes to that. After all, I do take cough medicine for the short time it’s needed. Thank you for the advice, Rossana.

I have not been through a divorce nor am I a widow but I have quite a few dear friends who have been through it and I felt their intense pain.

Thank you. I can feel your genuine concern.

 

[OldFeller]

First of all you have to see that you're in a second phase of life that now involves truly discovering yourself.

There was a time in your life when you were more content and you were being truer to yourself. Spend time answering questions like what are some of the happiest times in your life. What are you glad you did in life? What about those things made you happy?

What are you proud of about yourself?

You try to revisit the positive feelings of those times and it will give you a break from bad feelings and thoughts.

 

[Inept]

First of all you have to see that you're in a second phase of life

No, I'm in the last phase.

that now involves truly discovering yourself.

My self no longer exists.

There was a time in your life when you were more content and you were being truer to yourself. Spend time answering questions like what are some of the happiest times in your life. What are you glad you did in life? What about those things made you happy?

What are you proud of about yourself?

You try to revisit the positive feelings of those times and it will give you a break from bad feelings and thoughts.

I did everything. Old people say if they could do it all over again they'd have done much more while they were still young. But I didn't wait. I did it all while I was young. It's behind me now so I thought I could put it in neutral and let it roll to the finish line together with my wife. But my wife bailed out, I hit a brick wall, my tires got slashed, the tank is running on fumes, and the finish line isn't within walking distance. I know it doesn't make much sense to you but you don't know all the things I've done in my life. It's OK. I'm stuck with it.

 

[Nathan]

I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?

I've had a painful divorce back in the 90s. I experienced some mourning over the loss of that person, took a few years to let that go. But at the same time, I was living by myself and learned to be quite content with my own company. I didn't date, didn't want to have anyone leading me away from the path I chose. That was good therapy. I got my head straight.

 

[OldFeller]

No, I'm in the last phase.

My self no longer exists.

I did everything. Old people say if they could do it all over again they'd have done much more while they were still young. But I didn't wait. I did it all while I was young. It's behind me now so I thought I could put it in neutral and let it roll to the finish line together with my wife. But my wife bailed out, I hit a brick wall, my tires got slashed, the tank is running on fumes, and the finish line isn't within walking distance. I know it doesn't make much sense to you but you don't know all the things I've done in my life. It's OK. I'm stuck with it.

You have a self defeating view of yourself. Until you turn that around and become your own best friend, you're stuck. You're on a mission to prove that nothing can be done to help yourself. And the thing is, if you believe yourself unworthy, you will always be right about that. What you believe about yourself will always trump anything else.

You shoot down anything that takes you out of your self pity. Ego defensiveness is a tough thing to overcome for some people. Just know that you're imprisoning yourself and that only you have the key to unlock it.

I had a brother like you and he's dead due to a drug overdose. I think that people like my brother got a an idea that he was no good and didn't deserve happiness.

 

[Inept]

I've had a painful divorce back in the 90s. I experienced some mourning over the loss of that person,

I understand that for sure.

took a few years to let that go.

That's one aspect I am having trouble with. I'll be 78 in three days and I don't know if I have "a few years" to let it go.

But at the same time, I was living by myself and learned to be quite content with my own company.

That's the goal I have to set for myself.

I didn't date, didn't want to have anyone leading me away from the path I chose. That was good therapy. I got my head straight.

I definitely don't want to date at all and (as I was saying) it'll take those few years I haven't got to learn to trust again. Maybe I'll be lucky and "get my head straight" too. Is it possible to do it within 2 years? I don't plan on living much past 80 so if I can get my head straight by then it might be OK. I want my last thought to be, "Everything's cool" and maybe listen to Mitch Miller as the lights dim and the curtain closes.

 

[Inept]

You have a self defeating view of yourself.

That's not true. I've done all of the right things. If I did things differently I would have been a liar and a cheater.

Until you turn that around and become your own best friend, you're stuck. You're on a mission to prove that nothing can be done to help yourself. And the thing is, if you believe yourself unworthy, you will always be right about that. What you believe about yourself will always trump anything else.

I think you've misunderstood me. I'm not unworthy and I don't blame myself. I've been "turning the other cheek" just as we have been taught to do and it's not a mistake doing that. I may be at the point in believing "nothing can be done to help me" (as you say) but I'm not on a mission to prove it. I'm learning to accept it. I've been flapping my arms trying to fly but it must be time now to admit that I can't. Is that a good thing to do? Is it a bad thing to do? I don't know.

You shoot down anything that takes you out of your self pity.

"Self pity"?

Ego defensiveness is a tough thing to overcome for some people.

Hmmm, no I'm afraid you've misunderstood me.

I had a brother like you and he's dead due to a drug overdose. I think that people like my brother got a an idea that he was no good and didn't deserve happiness.

No, I'm a good person and I know that I am. It's just that good people are taken advantage of by less-than-good people. My fault has been in not seeing who is less-than-good from a distance. I have to accept that.

 

[Buckeye]

How would you know? You don't. If you have a problem you might consider creating your own thread. This is my thread - my problem. I haven't invited people to contibute additions to it.

1. A common misconception - this is NOT your thread. Being the OP does not give you any editorial oversight. We can all post whatever we want within the TOS.
2. It's okay to wallow in self-pity for a while. And you will know when it's over.
3. Keep busy.
4. Find Jesus. It will do you good.

Amen

 

[OldFeller]

That's not true. I've done all of the right things. If I did things differently I would have been a liar and a cheater.

I think you've misunderstood me. I'm not unworthy and I don't blame myself. I've been "turning the other cheek" just as we have been taught to do and it's not a mistake doing that. I may be at the point in believing "nothing can be done to help me" (as you say) but I'm not on a mission to prove it. I'm learning to accept it. I've been flapping my arms trying to fly but it must be time now to admit that I can't. Is that a good thing to do? Is it a bad thing to do? I don't know.

"Self pity"?

Hmmm, no I'm afraid you've misunderstood me.

No, I'm a good person and I know that I am. It's just that good people are taken advantage of by less-than-good people. My fault has been in not seeing who is less-than-good from a distance. I have to accept that.

I appreciate what you're saying.
And based upon these latest statements, you sound like you're in an adjustment period as you reevaluate the people and events in your life.
That's all a part of the second or last phase of your life.
There will be grieving. There will be regrets and even anger. But eventually as you come to terms with a truer sense of reality about things and situations of the past, you will find a peace of mind.
Best wishes for a full recovery.

 

[Inept]

1. A common misconception - this is NOT your thread. Being the OP does not give you any editorial oversight. We can all post whatever we want within the TOS.
2. It's okay to wallow in self-pity for a while. And you will know when it's over.
3. Keep busy.
4. Find Jesus. It will do you good.

Amen

Thanks for the kind words in my time of need. Now move along and go find someone else and make their day as nice as you've made mine. Have a nice day.
Ps. As of this moment you are on my "ignore" list.

 

[Inept]

... based upon these latest statements, you sound like you're in an adjustment period as you reevaluate the people and events in your life.

That's true for sure.

That's all a part of the second or last phase of your life.

I see what you mean.

There will be grieving.

Oh yes.

There will be regrets

Lots of them for sure

and even anger.

I've been having some of those moments too but I usually try to think about sports or something like that.

But eventually as you come to terms with a truer sense of reality about things and situations of the past, you will find a peace of mind.

I hope you're right.

Best wishes for a full recovery.

Thank you very much.

 

[Buckeye]

Thanks for the kind words in my time of need. Now move along and go find someone else and make their day as nice as you've made mine. Have a nice day.
Ps. As of this moment you are on my "ignore" list.

lol - I consider that a badge of honor. And let me add that the advice you don't want to hear is always the advice you need the most...

 

[Warrigal]

That might be the biggest hurdle. I don't know where I want to be this time next year. I don't even know if I want to be anywhere.

You must put that last thought out of your head. Your marriage may have failed but you still have a life to lead. I assume you have family - do not set a precedent of self harm because it normalises self destruction down the generations.

You are alive. Now get on with living, if not for yourself, then for your other loved ones.

Sorry for the tough talk, but I sense something very dark in your posts.

 

[Imogene]

I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?

My son was 19 when I lost him—- if that didn’t make me think about taking myself out, losing my husband (not his father) to cancer least year wouldn’t.

My chemistry is not “oh-woe-is-me“, but the best advice I received when I lost my son 32 years ago was to take life one heart beat at a time. It was great advice and I’ve been doing that ever since.

Yes, I keep busy as I still have the farm. I didn’t have to look for Jesus, as I had already found him.

 

[bowmore]

I lost my wife in 2005. I had a choice to sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself or get on with my life. I was fortunate to find an on line grief recovery chat room. It helped me fill those lonely evenings by sharing my feelings with others experiencing the same loss.
I started to travel to places my late wife had no interest in to help fill the void.
Well, life is funny, because I met a lady who had been widowed about the same time as I was, and shared my love of travel. We will be celebrating our 18th anniversary this November.

 

[Buckeye]

My son was 19 when I lost him—- if that didn’t make me think about taking myself out, losing my husband (not his father) to cancer least year wouldn’t.

My chemistry is not “oh-woe-is-me“, but the best advice I received when I lost my son 32 years ago was to take life one heart beat at a time. It was great advice and I’ve been doing that ever since.

Yes, I keep busy as I still have the farm. I didn’t have to look for Jesus, as I had already found him.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your son and your husband. I lost my 18 y/o daughter over 40 years ago.

 

[Veronica]

I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?

I dont know if I should be giving advice since Im basically a weed. Ive always managed to bloom wherever Im planted.
Anyways this is all JMO.

Married 51 years. The husband passed away in 2022 after a long illness. I have never thought of ending me or hiding.
Im OK now. I suppose there was suffering back when but I tend not to dwell on unpleasant things.

IMO. The two experiences are not always equal. When youre widowed people tend to feel sorry for you. Ive never been a poor me but thats beside the point.

Im as busy as I wanna be and I dont need to find anybody. My advice is to make a conscious effort to change the way you view life.
Think of it this way. Some guy cuts you off in traffic. You can obsess over it and make yourself miserable. Follow him for blocks and think about running him off the road. And complain to anyone who will listen for days. OR. Call him an Azzhole. Forget about it and go about your day.

 

[Lawrence00]

I went through this. Fifteen years ago. Surprise divorce. There was a lot that was fake about the ex-wife. Today I am so glad that I have not had to spend the last fifteen years, nor the rest of my years with that person.

I got to reclaim friends and family that she didn't like. Got to do things that she didn't like. Have spontaneously traveled short and long trips without that anchor.

It's been kind of like the old cowboy movies when they take the bullet out ... bite down on this, cuz this is gonna hurt.

Sooooo glad life changed.