Confronting Shock at an Older Age

[astralcat]

To use an old cliché – just live one day at a time – don’t look back and don’t look too far ahead – just be in the moment. Slowly and surely you will get through this.

 

[OldOld]

The old me still do most of the same things as the young me did, but at a slower pace. I go to the gym every other day instead of every day. I walk slower and more careful. And I plan and hope for a smooth and painless dying process.

 

[Inept]

My son was 19 when I lost him—- if that didn’t make me think about taking myself out, losing my husband (not his father) to cancer least year wouldn’t.

Oh God.

My chemistry is not “oh-woe-is-me“, but the best advice I received when I lost my son 32 years ago was to take life one heart beat at a time. It was great advice and I’ve been doing that ever since.

I'm trying.

Yes, I keep busy as I still have the farm.

So, you have had plenty to do. Me, I've been retired for 13 years now and my wife was my only anchor. Well, here I am.

I didn’t have to look for Jesus, as I had already found him.

That helped to make it easier for you, I'm sure.

 

[Inept]

... people tend to feel sorry for you. Ive never been a poor me but thats beside the point.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm trying to find a way get through the anguish and come out of it with as much balance and poise as I can muster. As it is, getting dressed and going outside and into the world is difficult.

My advice is to make a conscious effort to change the way you view life.

I can see the wisdom in that, thank you.

Think of it this way. Some guy cuts you off in traffic. You can obsess over it and make yourself miserable. Follow him for blocks and think about running him off the road. And complain to anyone who will listen for days. OR. Call him an Azzhole. Forget about it and go about your day.

LOL. Yes, there's a lot of truth in that.

 

[bobcat]

I lost my wife to cancer just over two years ago, and everyone goes through grief, and there is no rule governing how long that persists. It takes as long as it takes, and for some, they can't see themselves ever moving on in life.

Many years before this happened in my life, I had come to realize that happiness is an inside job. If you make someone, or something else the sole source of your happiness, you have nothing left if that source is gone. To be clear, I am not saying that they don't contribute to your happiness, but it shouldn't be all bundled up in them.

There are so many things in life that can impart happiness (Friends, family, nature, a good book or movie, faith, pictures and mementos, a walk, music, coffee, a morning sunrise, etc...), and one doesn't really need to search very far to appreciate them. If you just ponder for a bit, you can re-discover them. In the end, don't you think that's what your loved one would have wanted for you anyway.

 

[Rae]

You have some fun threads on here and I hope they cheered you up some. I understand your grief and only wish good things for you.

 

[Inept]

..... If you make someone, or something else the sole source of your happiness, you have nothing left if that source is gone.

It's a bitter truth to realize.

There are so many things in life that can impart happiness (Friends, family, nature, a good book or movie, faith, pictures and mementos, a walk, music, coffee, a morning sunrise, etc...), and one doesn't really need to search very far to appreciate them....

I believe you.

In the end, don't you think that's what your loved one would have wanted for you anyway.

No, not this one. She's a wrecking ball.

 

[Who_so_ever]

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” - C.S. Lewis
Sometimes you just need to get it out by talking, or crying.

 

[Inept]

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” - C.S. Lewis
Sometimes you just need to get it out by talking, or crying.

I think that's true.

 

[gruntlabor]

I don't know how to fix grief, but when my daughter lost her son to suicide, and she seemed herself to be dying of guilt and grief, I told her, let it all hang out, but please! only for one year. Then she must know that it's time to snap out of it.

One year. Historically that time span has been the allotted time for grief, so it must be right, right?

 

[SeaBreeze]

I lost my wife to cancer just over two years ago, and everyone goes through grief, and there is no rule governing how long that persists. It takes as long as it takes, and for some, they can't see themselves ever moving on in life.

Many years before this happened in my life, I had come to realize that happiness is an inside job. If you make someone, or something else the sole source of your happiness, you have nothing left if that source is gone. To be clear, I am not saying that they don't contribute to your happiness, but it shouldn't be all bundled up in them.

There are so many things in life that can impart happiness (Friends, family, nature, a good book or movie, faith, pictures and mementos, a walk, music, coffee, a morning sunrise, etc...), and one doesn't really need to search very far to appreciate them. If you just ponder for a bit, you can re-discover them. In the end, don't you think that's what your loved one would have wanted for you anyway.

Very well said, and something to be taken with thought and appreciation. My husband was and always will be a precious part of me that I will cherish and be grateful for. I was blessed to spend a half century enjoying his beautiful and caring heart.

Your last sentence rings particularly true, he would definitely want me to find happiness even without his presence, like in my furbabies, beautiful nature including the sky, stars, sunrises and sunsets. Walks outdoors, photographs, music, etc. do bring comfort and help to be reminded of all good reasons to continue your life in an environment of contentment and pleasure in other things.

My deepest sympathy for your loss, wishing you light and peace in your future.....hugs.

 

[Buckeye]

I don't know how to fix grief, but when my daughter lost her son to suicide, and she seemed herself to be dying of guilt and grief, I told her, let it all hang out, but please! only for one year. Then she must know that it's time to snap out of it.

One year. Historically that time span has been the allotted time for grief, so it must be right, right?

I asked Google about widows wearing black. Here's what Google AI said about that:

Widows wearing black

In Victorian England, widows were expected to wear mourning attire, including black clothing, for a period of two and a half years, progressing through stages of "deep mourning" to "half mourning".

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

• Deep Mourning (First Stage):
  This stage, lasting approximately a year and a day, involved wearing only black, often with black crepe veils and bonnets.
  
  
• Second Mourning (Intermediate Stage):
  After the initial period, widows could transition to "second mourning," where they could wear duller black fabrics and remove some of the crepe, but still maintained a somber appearance.
  
  
• Half Mourning (Final Stage):
  After two years, widows could move into "half mourning," where they could wear colors like purple, gray, and white, but still maintained a somber appearance.
  
  
• Social Expectations:
  Widows were expected to withdraw from social life during the mourning period, and their clothing choices served as a visual representation of their grief.
  
  
• Beyond the Victorian Era:
  While the specific rules and durations of mourning have evolved, the tradition of wearing black as a sign of mourning continues to be observed in many cultures and religions, though with varying durations and interpretations.

 

[Ronni]

I am fully aware that there are many of you who have suffered the death of your spouse or a divorce at an older age. You have survived it or you wouldn’t be here right now. Have you ever had thoughts of ending your life or just crawling into a hole? How did you manage? Are you OK now? Do you still suffer?

Please don’t tell me about “keeping busy” or “finding Jesus”. I know that keeping busy has got to be excellent advice but not everyone knows how to go about it. And religion is, well, nothing but hocus-pocus if you ask me. Yes, you guessed it, I am trying to cope with a life-altering separation/divorce. I believe the experience is equal to that of being widowed and I know they learn to survive too. But how do they do it?

Devastating loss leaves in its wake devastating grief. There is no wrong way to grieve, and no timeframe in which that grief will end.

A year and a half ago I lost my son. I wanted to die. I would have followed him willingly and with great relief into death, had it not been for my other children and what it would do to them. Some days still I don’t want to go on living. It’s a daily battle to muster up the force of will I need to engage with life, do family things, plant flowers, cook meals, walk the dogs.

I am on anti-depressants as one way to help me cope. They don’t do a lot, they’re not a cure, but they dull the pain a tiny bit. I imagine I’ll be on them the rest of my life because I will never get over the grief and loss.

I am learning to grow around the pain, to encompass it in whatever way I can because I won't ever get over it, overcome it, outlive it.

An unwanted divorce and the death of a spouse aren’t the same thing, but in their wake they can result in similar pain and suffering. There’s loss with both, grief with both.

You certainly do sound depressed as a result of your loss, and I can tell you absolutely that it takes a lot of work and considerable fortitude to get beyond that depression. It doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it, force yourself to do what you don’t want to do, because if you’re depressed then you’d rather just not do anything, period. That’s what depression does, it makes you apathetic.

And because you’re depressed, nothing is going to sound good to you. The “keeping busy” advice is actually good advice, but it flies in the face of what depression is telling you to do, which is nothing. That’s why you have to force yourself, engage your will to move beyond the ennui that depression is creating. It’s very hard work, some of the hardest you’ll ever do.

 

[gruntlabor]

I asked Google about widows wearing black. Here's what Google AI said about that:

Widows wearing black

In Victorian England, widows were expected to wear mourning attire, including black clothing, for a period of two and a half years, progressing through stages of "deep mourning" to "half mourning".

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

• Deep Mourning (First Stage):
  This stage, lasting approximately a year and a day, involved wearing only black, often with black crepe veils and bonnets.
  
  
• Second Mourning (Intermediate Stage):
  After the initial period, widows could transition to "second mourning," where they could wear duller black fabrics and remove some of the crepe, but still maintained a somber appearance.
  
  
• Half Mourning (Final Stage):
  After two years, widows could move into "half mourning," where they could wear colors like purple, gray, and white, but still maintained a somber appearance.
  
  
• Social Expectations:
  Widows were expected to withdraw from social life during the mourning period, and their clothing choices served as a visual representation of their grief.
  
  
• Beyond the Victorian Era:
  While the specific rules and durations of mourning have evolved, the tradition of wearing black as a sign of mourning continues to be observed in many cultures and religions, though with varying durations and interpretations.

Well, there you go, Inept.
I swear, Buckeye, I had it wrong again!
Sometimes I think that most of what I 'know' is wrong.
Apologies to everyone
"What you know is not as important as what you think you know but you're wrong about." --somebody paraphrased

 

[Inept]

Devastating loss leaves in its wake devastating grief. There is no wrong way to grieve, and no timeframe in which that grief will end.

Thank you.

A year and a half ago I lost my son. I wanted to die. I would have followed him willingly and with great relief into death, had it not been for my other children and what it would do to them. Some days still I don’t want to go on living. It’s a daily battle to muster up the force of will I need to engage with life, do family things, plant flowers, cook meals, walk the dogs.

This is not good news. Can I give you a hug, please?

I am on anti-depressants as one way to help me cope. They don’t do a lot, they’re not a cure, but they dull the pain a tiny bit. I imagine I’ll be on them the rest of my life because I will never get over the grief and loss.

Can you experiment with the dosage? I mean, skip one and see if you can make it to the next one. You know what I mean?

I am learning to grow around the pain, to encompass it in whatever way I can because I won't ever get over it, overcome it, outlive it.

I don't know if a year and a half is considered a long time or not, I'm thinking ..... not. What do you think? Do you see any improvement? Would you feel guilty if there were an improvement?

An unwanted divorce and the death of a spouse aren’t the same thing,

Well .....

but in their wake they can result in similar pain and suffering. There’s loss with both, grief with both.

... yes.

You certainly do sound depressed as a result of your loss,

I am.

and I can tell you absolutely that it takes a lot of work and considerable fortitude to get beyond that depression.

I believe that.

It doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it, force yourself to do what you don’t want to do,

I'm trying.

because if you’re depressed then you’d rather just not do anything, period.

That's right. I don't feel like doing anything.

That’s what depression does, it makes you apathetic.

Yes.

And because you’re depressed, nothing is going to sound good to you.

I fluctuate. There are two forum members that I have had to put on ignore because of their comments to me on this thread. Confronting weak people brings me no satisfaction.

“keeping busy” advice is actually good advice,

Oh yes.

but it flies in the face of what depression is telling you to do, which is nothing. That’s why you have to force yourself, engage your will to move beyond the ennui that depression is creating. It’s very hard work, some of the hardest you’ll ever do.

You understand very, very well.

 

[Buckeye]

Well, there you go, Inept.
I swear, Buckeye, I had it wrong again!
Sometimes I think that most of what I 'know' is wrong.
Apologies to everyone
"What you know is not as important as what you think you know but you're wrong about." --somebody paraphrased

lol - No, you're not wrong. I've heard the "one year rule" many times. What I quoted was Victorian era, which was even before my time. Thinking back to the 50s, I don't remember my mother wearing black after my father died, and certainly she mourned his passing, but she was too busy raising 3 kids by herself to indulge in self-pity. (And she already knew Jesus..)

 

[gruntlabor]

lol - No, you're not wrong. I've heard the "one year rule" many times. What I quoted was Victorian era, which was even before my time. Thinking back to the 50s, I don't remember my mother wearing black after my father died, and certainly she mourned his passing, but she was too busy raising 3 kids by herself to indulge in self-pity. (And she already knew Jesus..)

I was married 62 years to my husband who died in 2021 and I can say that, in the first days of shock and hysteria, I did not even believe it. A year later, calm and steady, I believed it. A year made all the difference.

 

[Pepper]

One year. Historically that time span has been the allotted time for grief, so it must be right, right?

Wrong. Different strokes, different circumstances, different lives. I believe you're very mistaken

 

[Ronni]

Can you experiment with the dosage? I mean, skip one and see if you can make it to the next one. You know what I mean?

I’m on Trazodone for my depression which is of additional benefit because it can make a person drowsy, and since my son died I’ve been struggling to sleep.

Trazodone works by increasing the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, specifically serotonin and noradrenaline (chemicals in the brain which affect mood) thus allowing more neuroplasticity = elevated mood.

They aren’t like a pain pill…pop one when you have a headache and the pain is gone. They work over time, gradually altering those brain chemicals, so the mood affect isn’t immediate. The drowsiness they induce is though, which is helpful to me for my sleep issues.

The brain chemicals are altered over time. Doctors typically suggest allowing a few weeks for the full effect on whatever dosage is prescribed, and a similar time period to experience the effects of a raised or lowered dosage. Similarly if you decide not to continue after taken them for some time, your doctor will slowly lower your dosage a week at a time…go to 3/4 the dosage, then 1/2 etc.

I’ve been on and off antidepressants several times, with many years of breaks in between. My depression issues were always, till now, situational….my abusive ex, one of my boys deep into addiction (not the one who died, and who has been clean for many years) and a brief period during Covid. I’ve always weaned off them easily.

 

[Pepper]

You have endured the worst of human tragedy, the death of a child. I think of you often (((@Ronni))) you will always endure. No cure

 

[Ronni]

You have endured the worst of human tragedy, the death of a child. I think of you often (((@Ronni))) you will always endure. No cure

Thanks @Pepper. Some days I’m not so sure I will, because you’re right, there is no cure for this level of hell. So I wake every morning and think “I just have to get through this day.”

Rinse and repeat. Every day.

I hope the @Inept finds some surcease for his pain.

 

[Inept]

Can you experiment with the dosage? I mean, skip one and see if you can make it to the next one. You know what I mean?

Trazodone ..... work over time, gradually altering those brain chemicals, so the mood affect isn’t immediate .... The brain chemicals are altered over time. Doctors typically suggest allowing a few weeks for the full effect on whatever dosage is prescribed, and a similar time period to experience the effects of a raised or lowered dosage. Similarly if you decide not to continue after taken them for some time, your doctor will slowly lower your dosage a week at a time…go to 3/4 the dosage, then 1/2 etc. I’ve been on and off antidepressants several times, with many years of breaks in between. My depression issues were always, till now, situational ….

I see. So experimenting on your own isn't such a good idea and difficult to gauge what with the effects being gradual. I'm not sure if I understand if Trazodone is the same antidepressant as the one you say you've been "on and off of several times". Is it?

 

[UpstateGal]

@Inept, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your divorce. I hope you get beyond the grieving stage soon. I would like to offer some simple suggestions to help.

First, I'm not sure of your physical circumstances, but if you're able bodied, go out for a daily walk.

Second, stay in touch with an in real life trusted relative or friend, make small plans to be socially active to get out of the house, again if you're physically capable. Only say that because I don't know. Just go do something you enjoy with this person, don't need to talk about your divorce.

Third, less Internet, more in real life connection the better.

Fourth, if there is a senior center or a senior group near you that is full of divorced or widowed senior ladies, then go and join, participate in activities and chat with someone you may like.

That's it, you can tell me to go to hell now if you choose.

 

[Inept]

@Inept, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your divorce. I hope you get beyond the grieving stage soon. I would like to offer some simple suggestions to help.

First, I'm not sure of your physical circumstances, but if you're able bodied, go out for a daily walk.

Second, stay in touch with an in real life trusted relative or friend, make small plans to be socially active to get out of the house, again if you're physically capable. Only say that because I don't know. Just go do something you enjoy with this person, don't need to talk about your divorce.

Third, less Internet, more in real life connection the better.

Fourth, if there is a senior center or a senior group near you that is full of divorced or widowed senior ladies, then go and join, participate in activities and chat with someone you may like.

Thank you. I agree with everything you say and I am trying to do most of it.

That's it, you can tell me to go to hell now if you choose.

LOL. I don't recommend going to hell. I've head it's very hot there.

 

[Ronni]

I see. So experimenting on your own isn't such a good idea and difficult to gauge what with the effects being gradual. I'm not sure if I understand if Trazodone is the same antidepressant as the one you say you've been "on and off of several times". Is it?

I was on Wellbutrin earlier and more recently Trazodone. They work similarly though the Wellbutrin doesn’t make you drowsy. My doc decided on Traz this time because I have been having so much trouble sleeping, but I’m afraid of prescription sleep meds so this was a decent compromise.