Do you have a gay family member?

Josiah said:
Please don't feel I am offering any judgement, but weren't you hurt by the fact that your son chose to keep this secret from you. Have you speculated why he wouldn't reveal this important fact to his mother?
Click to expand...
Yes, Josiah, it was painful. I think his life would have been a little easier for him if he had. I feel I failed him in all areas of his life. He dated as a teen ager, so I think he even denied it to himself, initally. Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and became legally blind. Had to leave college and stopped playing hockey. Became a recluse basically. Emotionally and physically. Shut everyone out, except for his older brother. And he ony tolerated him. Died a horrible death alone, not found for three days, at 44.
 

ClassicRockr said:
Staying completely out of this one also, but must say this.......by now, most members here know how wife and I feel about it. But, years ago, I did work, for a short time, for a lesbian couple and they were nice. There are gay and lesbian celebrities that are really cool.
Click to expand...

CR, you have flat out told us you would not have any non-christian friends, you have no room in your life to tolerate people who are "different" in most anyway including gays. I cannot accept your philosophy and am eternally grateful most here are not like you.
 
That is so sad....but not your fault.
if that was how he chose to live his life...you can't do everything.
 

ndynt said:
Yes, Josiah, it was painful. I think his life would have been a little easier for him if he had. I feel I failed him in all areas of his life. He dated as a teen ager, so I think he even denied it to himself, initally. Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and became legally blind. Had to leave college and stopped playing hockey. Became a recluse basically. Emotionally and physically. Shut everyone out, except for his older brother. And he ony tolerated him. Died a horrible death alone, not found for three days, at 44.
Click to expand...

It was not YOUR failure. It was for lack of a better way to put it, life. Reality. Sets of circumstance that took it's toll. He is no longer in pain. I am so sorry for your loss and I understand your wanted to take on guilt but don't. You are not responsible.
 
ndynt said:
Yes, Josiah, it was painful. I think his life would have been a little easier for him if he had. I feel I failed him in all areas of his life. He dated as a teen ager, so I think he even denied it to himself, initally. Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and became legally blind. Had to leave college and stopped playing hockey. Became a recluse basically. Emotionally and physically. Shut everyone out, except for his older brother. And he ony tolerated him. Died a horrible death alone, not found for three days, at 44.
Click to expand...

How very sad, ND. So sorry to hear this. Agree that it was not your fault.
 
ndynt said:
Yes, Josiah, it was painful. I think his life would have been a little easier for him if he had. I feel I failed him in all areas of his life. He dated as a teen ager, so I think he even denied it to himself, initally. Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and became legally blind. Had to leave college and stopped playing hockey. Became a recluse basically. Emotionally and physically. Shut everyone out, except for his older brother. And he ony tolerated him. Died a horrible death alone, not found for three days, at 44.
Click to expand...

So very sad, I'm so sorry.
 
Ndynt,I agree it is so not your fault, but as a mother I understand your guilt. We want to cherish, comfort and protect our children from the worst of life's agonies. Sadly, often we cannot. Sometimes life just sucks, and the pain is too great for them to bear. I deal with trauma victims fairly regularly, and still struggle to accept the reality of loss--some people cannoT be reached. When people shut down and turn away from others to that extent, the outcome is rarely anything but tragic. But, I repeat, it is not your fault. Hugs.
 
Jackie, thank you for your kind comments, but truly I have been blessed with my two boys. Different as chalk and cheese, they were oddly compatible, and filled my life with joy and laughter. My nephew is one of those warm calm individuals, who seems to have been born with a smile on his face. He heals as much by being who he is, as through any medical skill he may have acquired. He is a marvelous foil for my quicksilver, poetic, verbal, charismatic son. Together,they made, and still make, my life a wonderland, albeit a noisy one!.lol
 
Ameriscot said:
Because being gay isn't just about sex. They fall in love with people of the same sex. Of course they would want to tell their parents. They would most likely want their S/O to be a significant part of his/her family life. What if they got married? Should they also keep that a secret?
Click to expand...

Don't put words in my mouth-I never said they should keep it secret. I don't believe that because someone is gay they require special handling and special treatment. They're just a part of normal society and as such someone who is gay should act no different than anyone else or be treated different than anyone else. Most heterosexuals don't need to tell their parents that they are heterosexual, I don't see why someone who is homosexual should be any different-I'm pretty sure that the first time they brought home a "significant other" everyone would figure it out pretty quickly. No special talks needed, no confessions, no coming out of the closet.

I guess I don't see why it's an issue-but then I also don't think that race, religion, political affiliation or any other special interest group should be treated any differently. Respect everyone equally and don't single out any special interest groups for special treatment. Treating someone who is gay differently than everyone else automatically brands them with a scarlet letter, which is something that I prefer not to do.
 
Josiah said:
And there's no saying as DoItMyself seems to think that ones sexual identity even for a very young child isn't a very important part of who they are. After coming out to himself a gay boy continues to act toward his friends and parents as if he is a "normal" straight boy. This I've been told is not a comfortable state to live in because it forbids you to be who you are to the important people around you. So whether they (the parents and close family) like it, it constitutes a very important rite of passage for gay boys and men to "come out" to their family. I have been speaking here only about male children, but the situation is quite similar for girls and women although they tend to be more readily accepted and so the whole process is less fraught with angst.
Click to expand...

I prefer to treat and view everyone equally and with respect.
 
DoItMyself said:
I prefer to treat and view everyone equally and with respect.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately; many people don't; even though society has improved over the last 50 years.

there is still a lot f prejudice; from bullying in schools; chanting at football; and unprovoked attacks on the streets.....hence the hiding..
 
DoItMyself said:
Don't put words in my mouth-I never said they should keep it secret. I don't believe that because someone is gay they require special handling and special treatment. They're just a part of normal society and as such someone who is gay should act no different than anyone else or be treated different than anyone else. Most heterosexuals don't need to tell their parents that they are heterosexual, I don't see why someone who is homosexual should be any different-I'm pretty sure that the first time they brought home a "significant other" everyone would figure it out pretty quickly. No special talks needed, no confessions, no coming out of the closet.

I guess I don't see why it's an issue-but then I also don't think that race, religion, political affiliation or any other special interest group should be treated any differently. Respect everyone equally and don't single out any special interest groups for special treatment. Treating someone who is gay differently than everyone else automatically brands them with a scarlet letter, which is something that I prefer not to do.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately they are still treated differently, and not in a good way.

Explain the difference between not telling and keeping it secret.
 
Nwlady, I wish I believed it was that cut and dried. I believe in self-determination as much as anyone, buy acknowledge that some emotional hurdles are simply too huge to cross. Otherwise, there would be no trauma survivors and PTSD and other similar conditions. All physical ills are not preventable or curable, why would it be any different for mental or emotional ones?
 
[FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]Tha[FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]nk y[FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]ou all for your very kind words and support. I truly needed [FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]them[/FONT], at this time. It [FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]prompted[/FONT] me to shed a few needed tears. Have had a harrowing week. My youngest son almost died, with the sam[FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]e complication that my middle son did, last Thursday. Was in ICU several days. [FONT=Garamond,sans-serif]Some kidney damage[FONT=Garamond,sans-serif], but, is doing well now. [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
 
ndynt said:
Thank you all for your very kind words and support. I truly needed them, at this time. It prompted me to shed a few needed tears. Have had a harrowing week. My youngest son almost died, with the same complication that my middle son did, last Thursday. Was in ICU several days. Some kidney damage, but, is doing well now.
Click to expand...

You and your son are in my thoughts, I hope he continues to do well Ndynt...hugs.
 
Shalimar said:
I have a nephew who is gay. My sister has very strict religious beliefs, I am uncertain if her sect likes anyone, but they believe gay people are possessed. I raised my nephew along with my son and love him just as much. I wouldn't change a thing about him, he is a marvelous human being who works with doctors without borders. My sister? We haven't spoken in fifteen years, apparently I too am possessed and bound for Dante's Inferno. Strange, I am a happy person, and she, emphatically, is not. Hmmm.
Click to expand...

Shalimar, what a kind and loving thing you did for your nephew! If there is a heaven, you're going there. Not so sure about your sister.
 
ndynt said:
Yes, Josiah, it was painful. I think his life would have been a little easier for him if he had. I feel I failed him in all areas of his life. He dated as a teen ager, so I think he even denied it to himself, initally. Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and became legally blind. Had to leave college and stopped playing hockey. Became a recluse basically. Emotionally and physically. Shut everyone out, except for his older brother. And he ony tolerated him. Died a horrible death alone, not found for three days, at 44.
Click to expand...

Oh, ND, I'm so sorry. This has been a very tough row to hoe for you, I'm sure. You have my deepest sympathy.
 
ndynt - I was so sorry to learn of your loss and it must have been incredibly hard to go through such a difficult time with your son's condition and I'm glad he's come through it and recovering -- take care of yourself too. :)
 
I have an old and dear friend who is gay. He didn't come right out and announce he is gay, but then I didn't come right out and announce I'm straight, either. I think we make far too much of this -- people are just who they are and should be accepted as such. What difference should any of this make -- a friend is a friend, and a family member is a family member.
 
It becomes an issue for some people when they ask the question, so did you bring your wife or some such question in a casual conversation and you answer, no I brought my husband and the person you are chatting with is homophobic or similar. So whether ones wants it to be an issue or not, in our society it is a huge issue, especially when some people because of the way the aren't afforded the same rights and quality of life as everyone else. It shouldn't be this way, but it is, so, this is why questions such as this come up on message boards all the time. Their being who they are isn't an issue to me or you, but, for many it is.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top