How is your day Today? Chat about your plans and achievements 2025....

[Pepper]

@KSav
I understand everything you are saying. I have had a few "things" with my son that made me think it's the End Of The World. I know the grief and anxiety it causes. I am also alcoholic but haven't drank in 7.5 years.

I understand. I'm so sorry your heart is breaking. I look forward to seeing your posts.

Life is really hard for some people. I am one of them, so I feel for you.

Your son is gorgeous.

 

[hawkdon]

When I do drink, I often overdo it. Then I go online, find something about my son, and go crashing into a destructive cycle of grief and rage. It needs to stop. This pattern has been getting worse and worse, and I need to nip it in the bud before I alienate all of my loved ones. I should probably go back to the Church, too. I'm Catholic, but I lapsed in a fit of pique after the disastrous annulment process.

Morning KSav, this portion of your post explains right back
to you that you need AA or some type of help program....Don't worry about fitting some sort of guidlines or rules, just know that alcohol is trouble for you. Accept that,
and go from there in a recovery of some sort. Also I would
say have a "sponsor" you can check in with, someone with
some time in recovery. All the best to you!!!

 

[hearlady]

@KSav It's good that you are recognising the pattern - you drink, you make mistakes, you regret, you cannot find a way to make things right and people, who very likely love you, step away so, you get upset, you drink ...

The hope is in that you not only recognise the pattern, you take responsibility, want to change and are willing to do the work.

Good luck with your meetings and I hope your journey is a successful one. There will come a time when you are able to reach out to your love ones and know that you have done all you can to make amends. Don't lose hope

I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

[hearlady]

Morning KSav, this portion of your post explains right back
to you that you need AA or some type of help program....Don't worry about fitting some sort of guidlines or rules, just know that alcohol is trouble for you. Accept that,
and go from there in a recovery of some sort. Also I would
say have a "sponsor" you can check in with, someone with
some time in recovery. All the best to you!!!

You hit that nail too.

 

[Pepper]

My son is avoiding me. Sometimes, he gets afraid of me and my emotions, which are turbulent and unpredictable. I'll try to ride it out without drama. Yesterday's mantra for my Reiki meditation group was "I am Love." I found it comforting. I am love, I am love. Etc. Hard to feel hate when one IS Love.

Have Library Book Club this afternoon at three. It's a beautiful day here, I'll leave early to sit in the sun outside the library. In summer, they set up chairs & tables outside to read.

I have a THC delivery this morning. It's been awhile as I don't turn to it as I used to. That keeps me prisoner to my apartment and phone from 9-1pm.

I want to live calm. Tired of all the noise I make. Need to shut up more in some situations, be more social and talkative in others.

Oy vay, I'm struggling.

 

[Deya]

@KSav Without posting a long story about two sons with addiction problems, I will say that maybe time will help heal, but then maybe not. You cannot go back and redo what was done and no apologizes will replace the bad memories your kids harbor.

I believe, based on my experience, that there is no forgiveness unless others can forget. I have heard many say, we forgive, but we will not forget. I think it basically impossible to forget, so I think seeking forgiveness is a dead end path.

Let them know you are sorry about what you did and you regret that you affected their lives badly. Never ask them to accept your apology. That isn't fair to them. Let them know you are on a better path now and are available whenever they want to talk. They may never and you must be ready to live with that.

I haven't talked or even know the whereabouts of one son for almost 3 years. I have made peace with the fact I may never see or talk to him again. He cut off all contact when he once again felt others weren't supporting him. I made it clear to him, he wasn't being fair because others did support him both emotionally and financially for years. Sometimes he did really well, but then always went back to drinking, when the slightest thing requiring responsibility arose.

He knows he can contact us whenever he takes full responsibility for his life. He is almost 50 and I realized one day, 3 years ago, it was time to bring this situation to a resolve because it was affecting my health.

So, maybe consider finishing your crying (I understand been there many times), drying your tears and standing tall with a new resolve. Let your kids see your changes and new strength and resolve. Don't repeat how sorry you are, let them see that by your actions. Tell then to contact you when they are ready and don't seek their forgiveness or approval.

I was amazed once I took my new stance and resolve, how much my health improved. It isn't selfish to improve yourself.

 

[Deya]

Ok, now about my day. I am off to the body shop to see how much to repair and repaint the back of the car. I automatically back into some parking spots. It comes natural after 20 years of UPS. I told the old man to drive since my vision was worse than usual, but he said he had one drink to many, so I drove out to eat and backing in I didn't see a concrete pillar holding a lamp post. The concrete pillar wasn't scathed, but the rear of our car was less fortunate. First, my fault, accident since I was a teen dragging main in Texas, 60 years ago.

20 years with UPS and accident free. They tried to charge me with an accident when a deer jumped off a cliff and ran into the side of my UPS truck. I corrected the report they wrote, to read, I did NOT hit the deer, it hit me. Thanks to my early cell phone, I had photos of the truck, deer, and area. They wanted to fight me over the wording, but I stood firm and threaten legal action if they filed a false report. Yes, deer do hit vehicles, it isn't always the vehicle hitting the deer and the drivers fault.

 

[Pepper]

I found out why my son is not calling me. I'm very distressed as to why. Had three days vacation with in laws when I thought it was just two days. I never go anywhere. I'm angry and JEALOUS. I know this feelings are bad, but I have them. I'm angry and JEALOUS. Yes, I am. It's killing me.

 

[MACKTEXAS]

I am really, really, really struggling right now.

I never reach out for help, but I could really use any positive thoughts—or prayers—anyone could send my way. It doesn't have to be in the form of a post, just an internal kind thought. Or not.

I'm actually crying, hard, as I type this. I never cry. (Perhaps that is part of the problem.)

I've been in therapy (years), and taken antidepressants (years), and I don't consider those viable options.

My son will never talk to me again, and it seems that everyone in my family has taken against me.

This sounds stupid, but the thing that sent me into the abyss of grief is a social media post I came across, in which my son and his girlfriend discussed their favorite things (e.g., colors, TV shows).

My son said his favorite band is the Beatles. I raised all three of my kids on the Beatles (and a lot of other classic rock, and other genres). How can his favorite band be the Beatles? Did I have anything to do with that? (And should it matter?) He said his favorite TV show is The Middle. He and his sisters and I always used to watch that.

I am in such pain. I can't fix this. Please note that I am NOT suicidal. I was raised to believe that suicide sends one directly to Hell. (I'm saying this because I don't want anyone calling emergency services on me.)

I have tried so hard to rebuild my life after my addiction. I've been clean for 6 years and have turned my life around, been trying to live a productive life. Yet nobody, including my daughters—and, of course, my son—seems willing to forgive me.

If anyone has read this, thank you for reading. And I'm sorry to be a drag.

I'm so lost, and sad right now.

Here he is:
View attachment 443025

This hits very close to home.

When I read your post, I had the same thought as @IrishEyes, where she wrote: "Personally I would take the Beatles and the TV show with a smile and let it give me strength to keep improving, loving and pray for patience." [It seems like the social media post was actually a positive sign.]

I've been through 30 years of huge differences and estrangment with my daughter - some years we didn't speak, others we did, but these days I don't know where she is or "if" she is, and that was by her choice, not mine. I was responsible for her as a child, but what she does with her life after she becomes an adult is up to her. We do not own or control our adult children, nor should we. I had to let go of the whole situation in order to keep my sanity. If she contacts me, I'll talk to her - if not - then we won't.

 

[Paco Dennis]

Waiting for an EMG to find out how serious my carpal tunnel is.

 

[Pepper]

I found out why my son is not calling me. I'm very distressed as to why. Had three days vacation with in laws when I thought it was just two days. I never go anywhere. I'm angry and JEALOUS. I know this feelings are bad, but I have them. I'm angry and JEALOUS. Yes, I am. It's killing me.

Ugly feelings, right? Shows me for what I am, a petty, angry, JEALOUS person. I don't want to be. I want to be the I am love mantra. The best thing I can do now, however, is try to forget the whole thing. That's all I can do for myself. I can't deal with my evil feelings any other way but to forget them.

Lose myself in myself. Forget them. Too much stress, too much anguish. Forget, forget.

 

[hearlady]

Ugly feelings, right? Shows me for what I am, a petty, angry, JEALOUS person. I don't want to be. I want to be the I am love mantra. The best thing I can do now, however, is try to forget the whole thing. That's all I can do for myself. I can't deal with my evil feelings any other way but to forget them.

Lose myself in myself. Forget them. Too much stress, too much anguish. Forget, forget.

I get jealous of my in law sometimes because my children chose to move right down the road from her. There are a hundred reasons, biggest are location and child care. I totally get it but sometimes you just can't fight those feelings. You just get over it.
She's a good person and I am insecure....period.
You Are love Pepper! Me too!

 

[KSav]

I just wanted to pop back in again with a renewed round of thanks. I'm afraid to name specific people in case I inadvertently miss someone, but I have read all the replies very carefully, and I take them to heart. Thank you.