Just senior humor

A drunken old man walks into a biker bar.



He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over. Then he looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says,
"I got it on with your grandma, and she is good. The best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...
"Grandpa. GO HOME.


​
 
A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?' 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand
rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.​
 

IpXY1sN.jpg
 
As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”



​



​
​
 
Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away. A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank.. Frank '......

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leo-- it's me, Leo."

"You're not Leo, Leo just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo!..Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"






"You're pitching Tuesday."


_________________
​
 
[FONT=Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif]I am old now and
I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man.​
[/FONT]
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top