Just senior humor

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady ...
... struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the
river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,
and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made
mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they
finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love
to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to
go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river
when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every
time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.
Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were sex or drown."
 

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see
over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just
went through a red light."

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection,
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided
to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see
what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman
driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"​
 

Jail
In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions,
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
 
DEAR GRANDSON

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

PS The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"​
 
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”
 
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