Just senior humor

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the start of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch, and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke. The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact.
"S**T!" shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the "Senior Citizens' Home" and Claude was never to be invited again.
 

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A lawyer slowly rolled through a stop sign and was almost immediately pulled over by a local cop.
The lawyer searched his mind for a convincing legal argument as the cop made his way to the driver-side window.

Cop: Morning, sir. I pulled you over today because I noticed you failed to make a complete stop at the stop sign back there. Can I see your license and registration, please?
Lawyer: Well, I did slow down.
Cop: Yessir, and I did notice that as well, but slowing down isn't the same as stopping. So, license and registration, please.
Lawyer: I'll tell you what; if you can prove there is a difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll show you my license and registration and you can write me a ticket.
Cop: Well that's not a problem, sir, if you wouldn't mind stepping out of the car.

The lawyer did so, and the cop quickly grabbed his baton and began beating the crap out of the poor fellow.
After numerous forceful blows the cop paused and asked, "Now, sir, would you like me to stop, or slow down?"
 


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