Loosing a good friend to the wrong sort of Love. Advice needed.

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Ooohhh wee!! We got some Saints up in here!! I was always taught (from when I was a Christian).."Judge not lest ye be judged". Who here has not sinned?? Even as Muslims, we are taught when someone is on the wrong path, do what you can to guide them to the right one. Getting involved with a married man or woman (or any wrong person) could be because the individual has low self esteem, longs for love that he or she may not have gotten from a parent or family members, feels unattractive, is lonely or desperate and the object of the forbidden love makes them feel attractive. lovable and eases the loneliness.

Someone who is so confused and hurting and especially since Aprilla knows and has confesses she's wrong and wants to get out of the relationship shouldn't be beaten when she's already down IMHO. There's a song "Love Makes You Do Foolish Things" and that's so true in so many cases. That being said. I'll add that I really liked what @bobcat @PeppermintPatty and @Brookswood replied.

Aprilla...you know in your heart you have to let this man go. There's no future for you with him and only more and even deeper heartache, if you can imagine that. Married men will promise to leave their wives, then string the mistresses along forever. He's not thinking of you...only of himself. Now it's time for you to only think about yourself. For someone who's only in it for fun, it's no big deal, but that's not you. You have serious feelings for this man. Tell him straight up that being in the relationship is a dead end street as far as your concerned and it's not good for your mental health. Then walk away or hang up the phone...or whatever and be done with it.
 
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Aprilla said:
Hi. I am deeply sad today. it feels like it will never end.

I have a male friend, who is married, I have known for years, and just recently I have fallen deeply in love with him and its distressing because I am I single, and well, I am a christian and its so inappropriate. I have tried to get rid of the feelings, I have tried dating, looking for love, and I have tried distracting myself, but the more I am in contact with him the worse it gets.
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@Aprilla , welcome to the forums. From what you described it sounds very much like you are plagued with an "affliction" called Limerence.

The term "Limerence" was coined by a psychologist named Dorothy Tennov. Limerence is not currently considered a "disorder" as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM5), but with further definitive research it may be included a some point.

Some reading links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence

Is It Love or Limerence? Here’s How To Tell the Difference

What is Limerence? Definition and Stages | Attachment Project


Your best hope for relief from Limerence is to maintain no contact with this person. Therapy can help, along with antidepressant medication.

Best of luck to you.
 

I had a chuckle when I read the original post, but probably not for the reason you might think.

I know someone who was raised in a strict Christian Sect. He is one of those fortunate ones that are a magnet for women. I witnessed this first hand, though I was jealous of this quality, he would always swear it was a curse.

In his early teen years there was some sort of one on one with their pastor, similar to confession. He was very entertaining recounting these episodes of interludes with many of the girls and even women in their church. After a few sessions all the pastor could do was say, another one?!
 
Aprilla said:
Now I want to leave Forever so I can move on and meet my own partner and companion... he is desperately trying to keep me around ...Oh God...he's a sweetheart..and I hate to hurt him.
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He is not a sweetheart. Can you picture him telling his wife he's going to help a friend fix his car as he goes out the door to see you? Can you picture the lies about the guy and the car when he gets home, after she's had a long lonely evening? Still picturing a sweetheart? You don't want to hurt him? Think of how he's willing to hurt her.

How about the way he treats you? Keeping you on the string for his pleasure with no serious intention to marry you? Is that a sweetheart?

Call or text him right now. Say you're sorry, but you've decided for his sake, his family's and your own that you can't ever see him again. He will survive the hurt.

There's no point in asking WWJD, he would never have gotten in this mess. Just ask his forgiveness and then do better. What was his advice to a woman in this situation? Go and sin no more. That's all that's required. Everything will be fine.
 
look..
Nothing has ever happened between us.. No physical affair, no lip smackers, pecks or any innuendo or anything... we are just friends. Maybe I did not make this very clear and I am sorry..

We have helped each other out whit empathy and advices, like people do, is this so wrong?

I developed feelings for him because of his genuine kindness...

He has no feelings in the same way that I am aware of.
He once told me he did, but as far as I can tell he is very mature, as far as I can tell.

I am sorry if I offended anyone or misguided you all into thinking I was trying to get attention. hell fire...

 
I don't know why on this blinking earth some of you think I am a troll???!!???.
And I don't know why you think such things.
I have already told you I am struggling.

For goodness sake, as much as I know I am part and partial to this difficult situation that I am trying to hold on to as just a platonic friendship without having any romantic feelings, I wish some of you would hold out and at least have some empathy..
 
Aprilla said:
I don't know why on this blinking earth some of you think I am a troll???!!???.
And I don't know why you think such things.
I have already told you I am struggling.

For goodness sake, as much as I know I am part and partial to this difficult situation that I am trying to hold on to as just a platonic friendship without having any romantic feelings, I wish some of you would hold out and at least have some empathy..
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Nope, platonic has fled, as you should. The man is married, there is no place for you.
 
Aprilla said:
I don't know why on this blinking earth some of you think I am a troll???!!???.
And I don't know why you think such things.
I have already told you I am struggling.

For goodness sake, as much as I know I am part and partial to this difficult situation that I am trying to hold on to as just a platonic friendship without having any romantic feelings, I wish some of you would hold out and at least have some empathy..
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Why are we skeptical? Happy to explain.

Morality questions by a single Christian woman deep in her 50s professing to be in love with a married man?

1. Keep your hands off of what doesn't belong to you. Temptation too great? Find someplace else to be.

2. People can't have platonic relationships when one party is in love. Didn't you figure that out as a teenager?

You should already know these things.
 
Aprilla said:
I guess love and connection eludes you. and I am sorry.
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Spare me your false sympathy.

I've been very happily married for over 40 years, have many close friends - including at least a dozen of over 50 years' standing despite us being scattered throughout the US. I enjoy excellent relationships with my children and grandchildren, and see them regularly.

You don't get the life I've built by chasing what you don't, can't and shouldn't have.
 
What I can’t understand is that if someone KNOWS the person they profess to be in love with is already married, then why continue the friendship? Surely you have enough common sense to realize that this infatuation is one-sided (your side only) so why not walk away before any real harm is done?

I feel you are not being rational in this and are in it for your self satisfaction – it may give you a “high” knowing that someone who is not available wants to spend time with you. In other words, stop being selfish, move on with your life and the sooner you do, the better chance you have of actually meeting someone who may have a huge impact on your life. To continue this relationship just looks like disaster for him, his family, and for you. Why put yourself through this when you can make the right choice?
 
StarSong said:
As soon as I read the first post I thought, "Oh brother, here we go again."

It's always a brand new member spilling heart wrenching stories and moral conundrums to complete strangers in the name of looking for advice.
Question: How often does this happen in real life?
Answer: Never.

I smell a troll. And not a Christian one.
People of true faith and/or moral character run from situations like these, not toward them.
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I spent more than half my life as a Christian and you'd be surprised at how many of them go against the moral teachings! We have pastors who are fooling with women in the congregation, married or not (bothof them). One of the ministers of my mother's church (a staid congregation) ran off with a married woman. He was married too. I read about a so called Christian pastor who went to China several times and got girls under false pretenses, telling their literally poor parent(s) he would provide them with a better life in America and paying them. When he got them home, he chained them up and made them into sex slaves. His wife aided and abetted!!

About a year ago I watched the beginning of a show called Child Brides In America on Hulu. I couldn't continue to watch because it made me so angry and upset. I think when she was 9, a girl started being raped by a deacon in her church. Her mother, also a member of that church, knew and instead of protecting her daughter, she said the girl was a liar and I think she accused her of enticing him. That little girl wound up getting pregnant at 11, I think and was forced to marry the man.

I saw a lot of the results of cheating on spouses and SOs when I worked as a Disease Intervention Specialist in the STD department. Literally every day I had to interview a few people, some of whom identified as Christians, about intimate details of their sex lives in order to elicit contacts and do follow up. We've gotten at least a couple of cases who were ministers.

Thousands of Black people were lynched or otherwise killed in the name of Christianity. Are there some good Christians, yes...but as flawed humans, many are not. And their public personas as "holier than thou" are a lot different than their private ones.
 
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Aprilla said:
I don't know why on this blinking earth some of you think I am a troll???!!???.
And I don't know why you think such things.
I have already told you I am struggling.

For goodness sake, as much as I know I am part and partial to this difficult situation that I am trying to hold on to as just a platonic friendship without having any romantic feelings, I wish some of you would hold out and at least have some empathy..
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Once you've crossed the line and turned a platonic friendship into what must be an intense romantic relationship...you can't go back. Sorry...that's just the way it is!
 

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