Marriage, what psychologists have to say

grahamg

Old codger
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-s...18-long-term-studies

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"The authors of the 18 studies asked about well-being in at least one of three different ways:

- Happiness. I’m calling this happiness, but the authors of the meta-analysis use the term “affective well-being.” The participants in the studies were sometimes asked about happiness and sometimes asked about unpleasant feelings such as a depressed mood (which is different from clinical depression).

- Life satisfaction. Participants are asked how satisfied they are with their lives. The authors called this “cognitive well-being.”

- Relationship satisfaction. Participants are asked how satisfied they are with their relationship with their partner.

The first question the authors of the meta-analysis answered was: How did the participants’ happiness or satisfaction change from just before they got married to just after? (Remember, “just before” was, on the average, 4 months before the wedding. Just after was the first time they were asked after the wedding.) The second question was: How did happiness or satisfaction change over time after the wedding?

Here’s what they found:

- For happiness, there was no difference in happiness from just before the wedding until just after. Over time, on the average, happiness did not change. Participants did not get either happier or less happy as the years of their marriage marched on.
- Satisfaction with life did increase from just before the wedding to just after. But then it decreased continually over time.
- Compared to life satisfaction, relationship satisfaction decreased from just before the wedding to just after. As time went on, relationship satisfaction continued to decrease at about the same rate as overall life satisfaction.

Here’s what did not happen: Except for that initial short-lived honeymoon effect for life satisfaction, getting married did not result in getting happier or more satisfied. In fact, for life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, the trajectories over time headed in the less satisfied direction.

What is really remarkable about the combined findings of the 18 studies is that the designs were biased in favor of making marriage look good. At least 11 of the studies included only those people who got married and stayed married.

There was one sentence in the results section of the meta-analysis about how the results were different for those studies which included people who had separated, rather than tossing them out of the marriage group: “These samples did not differ in the initial reaction; however, the rate of adaptation was significantly less negative in samples without any separations.”

Translation: Negative adaptation means that people were getting less satisfied over time. If you take out the people who got separated and just look at the people who got married and stayed married, then the decrease in happiness is not as striking. That’s another way of saying what I’ve been saying all along: If you just look at the people who got married and stayed married, you are skimming off the top. You cannot generalize from just those people to offer blanket advice such as, Get married and you will be get happier...."
 

A different view, more in line with my thinking:

humanparts.medium.com/marriage-is-not-me...nscious-f32c17941917


Marriage Is Not Meant to Make You Happy, It’s Meant To Make You Conscious

A healthy marriage begins with healthy expectations

There are few things in society we’ve imbued with quite as much expectation and meaning as marriage.
We grow up thinking the hardest part will be finding the “right” person, who we assume will be the key to a happy life. The more right a person is for us, we think, the less suffering we will experience.
And, generally, people do pair up with other people they believe they’ll be happiest with (even if, in some cases, that happiness is more about security, status, or tradition than love). But sometimes, people choose who they think they’ll be happiest with only to find out they are incorrect.

This isn’t because they’ve committed to the “wrong” person. It’s because their expectations were an ideal, not a reality. These unrealistic expectations can wreck you if you let them.

The work of marriage is not about whether you find and keep your most ideal counterpart. Marriage is about what you do when you discover you can be with the most perfect person for you—and still find yourself frustrated, exhausted, dragged down, and at your wit’s end.


We choose romantic partners through unconscious “love maps.” These are cues, ideas, and suggestions we pick up over time to piece together a concept of the right partner. We gather these through experiences: familiarity, family ties, failed relationships, trauma, other people’s beliefs, our own ideas about who we are and what we should do in life. Then, of course, there’s sexual attraction, which people often confuse with compatibility.

We attach ourselves to people who most significantly mirror our strengths and wounds. We do this because there’s comfort in the familiar, and because the essential purpose of long-term partnership is to assist us in growth. If our lives are about becoming ourselves, then our closest partners can be our greatest teachers.

Marriage won’t do the work for you.

The magic of marriage is that it’s not meant to make you feel happy in that dopamine-laced, movie-ending kind of way. It’s meant to make you aware of yourself, and the more deeply you can grow, the more joy you will experience.
It’s counter intuitive, but the less you expect marriage to make you happy, the more it will.

We often say our failed relationships teach us more than anything else. But it’s our ongoing relationships that can really teach us the most. Our interactions with others show us who we are, how we behave, and what we are doing. They can be the most enlightening medium for self-awareness. There is absolutely no relationship that does this more than a person with whom you commit to build your life, home, and share a sexual and intimate relationship with for the rest of your existence.

Your life partner is an asset to you in the evolution of your becoming, but that partnership is not the whole of your becoming. You can choose to see marriage as a gift, as an incredible privilege. Marriage gives us our walking partners, not our paths. When you view your partner less as your savior and more as the person you get to hang out with until you die, you’re more likely to forgive their shortcomings and accept that they’re not, and never will be, perfect.

Our partners don’t exist to satiate our every emotional need. They exist to be companions — separate, but equal — at once our responsibility, and yet very much out of our control. Learning to love them better is essential. It gives so much more than it takes. When we can strip away the assumption they should be different from who they are, we find something beautiful underneath: harmony. Which is what we’ve been hungry for all along.

Marriage will not always make you happy, but it will do something even better. It will give you an opportunity to find happiness in peace, in letting go, in learning what’s worth fighting for, in figuring out how to love an imperfect person, in seeing what commitment is and what compromise feels like.
Marriage won’t do the work for you. That work is yours—always and forevermore. The real work is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person."
 
Here is another take on what it takes to create a happy marriage (although it all sounds a bit formulaic to me):

"I am a 51 year old friendly girl who loves life. I have an incredible man in my life and we live the D/s lifestyle 24/7. I am his submissive by choice, not because I have to be. We have mutual respect for each other, we are very much in love and he takes care of me in every way. Not bragging, just sharing!

I do not have permission by my Sir to talk to or be friends with men."
 
Who gives a rat's rear end about what Psychology Today says? Not me.

I totally agree, but there is a rub to be considered however, and it is this........my guess would be that those formulating government policy towards marriage and rules on divorce, are more likely to listen to the research by psychologists to inform them than you or I (?).
 
It will be 48 years for us this April. We are just like a comfortable pair of old shoes. We both need a lot of personal space,which we give each other. I know what ticks him off and he knows what ticks me off. We use this knowledge occasionally, It keeps the blood flowing. On a whole we have figured out a happy existence, no counselor needed.

I've read that a marriage requires work. In my opinion if you need to work at it you shouldn't be in it .
 
To be fair to younger folks, I don't much recall even hearing about marriage councilors and such, back in the 50's - 60's and maybe into the 70's. Folks just worked things out or each went their own way. Since the advent of these councilors it seems as if the divorce rate has sky-rocketed. Not blaming them but I think that if if one's marriage is "in the toilet" , they (the councilors) are not going to be able to retrieve it. They might make you feel a little less guilty about your part in the tragedy but not much more.

Why are there so many more divorces today? Do we jump too quick, in that period of time that the other party can still be faking the "nice and caring guy or gal". It's tough to keep up that "nice" persona for much more than 6 months, IMHO, before the cracks start to show. In the meantime, if you've married them it's tough luck and you're looking for a way out.

Just to cover myself - Only one marriage and it'll be our 64th anniversary this month.
 
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I briefly skimmed the article because I couldn't make sense of the quoted passages.

The thrust of the article is disagreeing with the methodology, interpretations and conclusions of 18 recent marriage-happiness studies. Since the author's field of interest and writings are specifically focused on being single (her regular column is titled, "Living Single"), I'd say she's got plenty of biases of her own.
 
I have no idea what you are talking about, sorry.

That's okay, I appreciate responses to the articles I've quoted from both those who feel they understand them, and those who don't.

In truth I'm making my own mind about them too, but was prompted by people asserting "marriage", or " divorce" should be all about happiness, or at least mostly about happiness, (for example what should a friend of mine do whose wife suffers depression, should he abandon her and think only of his own happiness, or stick with the marriage in the hope she gets well, and returns to her normal, loving self?).
 
Wife and I have 99% of the same interests. My wife is my best friend and the only buddy I need. She can shoot both her rifle and handgun, reel in a trout to the boat and saddle/ride a horse. Just what I wanted a got! We darn near do everything together. We go to the gun/rifle range together. Our boat doesn't go on the water without both of us in it. When she goes to the doctor, I go with her...…..I tell the Nurse and PCP that I'm her driver and bodyguard. Both, grocery and regular shopping together. She has no girlfriends and I have no buddies. We are 100% fine with it that way.

One thing that really brought us together, besides our same interests, we are both "clingy". Some couples, old and young, require "space" in their relationship or marriage, we do not and don't want it.
 
(for example what should a friend of mine do whose wife suffers depression, should he abandon her and think only of his own happiness, or stick with the marriage in the hope she gets well, and returns to her normal, loving self?).
Not my business BUT if marriage is for better or worst , considering leaving someone because they have a mental disorder is not only lame but incredibly shallow. If he became diabetic or had a stroke and was partially paralyzed, should she ditch him? 😏
 
That's okay, I appreciate responses to the articles I've quoted from both those who feel they understand them, and those who don't.

In truth I'm making my own mind about them too, but was prompted by people asserting "marriage", or " divorce" should be all about happiness, or at least mostly about happiness, (for example what should a friend of mine do whose wife suffers depression, should he abandon her and think only of his own happiness, or stick with the marriage in the hope she gets well, and returns to her normal, loving self?).
I guess it depends on what vows you made.
 
More from the psychologist quoted above (Bella DePaulo Phd):

Divorce Rates Around the World: A Love Story

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...902/divorce-rates-around-the-world-love-story

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Why Divorce Stories Can Be Love Stories
"Divorce can be a devastating experience for the adults who are splitting as well as their children. But it can be an empowering, and sometimes even life-saving, choice when the alternative of staying in the marriage is even worse.

Some marriages are abusive, posing risks to the emotional and physical well-being, and even the survival, of adults and children. It can be an act of love for yourself and your children (if you have any) to leave such marriages, especially in the face of an uncertain life outside of marriage and threats from the abusive spouse.

Divorce can be a love story when people love themselves enough to walk away from a bad situation.

Divorce can be a love story when people believe that they can find romantic love once again.

Divorce can be a love story when people realize that they already have love, in the biggest, broadest sense of the word. Maybe they have friends they love and family they love. Maybe they realize that the romantic version of love is just one version, and a rather narrow one at that. Maybe those friends and family who are so important to them have been in their lives a whole lot longer than their former spouse."


Divorce can be a love story when people realize that they love their life outside of marriage. Maybe they love their single life more than any other life. Maybe they especially love living alone.
 
More from the psychologist quoted above (Bella DePaulo Phd):

Divorce Rates Around the World: A Love Story

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...902/divorce-rates-around-the-world-love-story

Break

Why Divorce Stories Can Be Love Stories
"Divorce can be a devastating experience for the adults who are splitting as well as their children. But it can be an empowering, and sometimes even life-saving, choice when the alternative of staying in the marriage is even worse.

Some marriages are abusive, posing risks to the emotional and physical well-being, and even the survival, of adults and children. It can be an act of love for yourself and your children (if you have any) to leave such marriages, especially in the face of an uncertain life outside of marriage and threats from the abusive spouse.

Divorce can be a love story when people love themselves enough to walk away from a bad situation.

Divorce can be a love story when people believe that they can find romantic love once again.

Divorce can be a love story when people realize that they already have love, in the biggest, broadest sense of the word. Maybe they have friends they love and family they love. Maybe they realize that the romantic version of love is just one version, and a rather narrow one at that. Maybe those friends and family who are so important to them have been in their lives a whole lot longer than their former spouse."


Divorce can be a love story when people realize that they love their life outside of marriage. Maybe they love their single life more than any other life. Maybe they especially love living alone.
Wow !! What a great life I've missed. Wish you'd imparted this info years ago. My wife and I have wasted all these years with each other when there's a wealth of hidden pleasure out there within our reach. And we've misled our children into thinking that they should select a mate carefully and plan to live out their lives with them.

All the carnal pleasures that were available to both of us but we passed them up just plugging along together. Too late now. o_O
 


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