Nothing To Look Forward To

[SifuPhil]

I think in my past life I would have been thrilled with this store!

Unfortunately I've hung up my handyman title. I used to be quite good at it in fact - rehabbed a few houses in my time - but now it's a major project to replace a screw on roomie's glasses. I whine like a spoiled little kid, procrastinate until roomie is blindly falling down the stairs, finally spend a day or two finding a jeweler's screwdriver and MIGHT get the job done in a week or so.

 

[Cookie]

Been there and done that too. OK then, sometimes wallowing in a little misery is good for the soul, makes you appreciate the good times when they finally roll around. Enjoy it while you've still got it.

 

[Manatee]

With all the things you have experienced, you should have a storehouse of wonderful memories. Get comfy in your rocker and enjoy them. You need to do the best you can with what you have got.

In another 19 years I will be 100. Then I will be seriously old.

 

[tnthomas]

A quote from Butterfly in another thread got me to thinking ...



I get this. In fact, I get it so strongly that I've had this feeling for the last 15 years or so.

For me, part of it is physical. I'm no longer 20 and can't do all the things I used to. Through nobody's fault but my own I've recently been whacked with a few medical problems, which once again I'm not used to, and it has caused me to start slipping off the bright, clean middle of that tapestry.

My choice to cut myself off from the world - another slip toward the edge.

Convincing myself that my days of close relationships are over - hanging onto the fringe, scrabbling, to keep from falling into that dark, wood-floored abyss.

And finally the 2-ton elephant giving me what seems to be the final push - that I have nothing to look forward to. I've had my education, my career, wrote my books, did my partying, made love under a full moon on the beach, got married, had kids, divorced, SCUBA dived, skydived ... I've lived my life, lived longer than my family. I've laughed and I've cried.

What's left? What can I look forward to? Old age? Sitting in a rocking chair or, worse, a hospital, somewhere? What's that? Living off a measly SS hand-out from the government that won't even pay for the cat food?

Have any of you ever had these dark thoughts?

Yes. I worry about maintaining self-sufficiency and independence, and everything needed to insure that. But, I do get a smile, a laugh here and there, and momentary feelings of joy, mainly when talking to my kids....or actually seeing them in person.

I really never understood "depression", had always heard of it, but didn't sound like it would be something I'd give 2 seconds of thought to. I do understand depression now, and recognize it's face on the streets....

 

[imp]

Well, after cruising through this thread fairly quickly, here's what I saw;

Philosophical discussion among a group of folks most of whom feared something, and hemmed and hawed about those fears, not a one of them able to provide stout resolve for any of the others' concerns, much less their own, NONE saying "GET A GRIP", "GO FORWARD", accept the consequences of doing so, DIE AS GRACEFULLY AS POSSIBLE. imp

EDIT: Easy for one already condemned to preach. Rant makes it easier to accept. imp

 

[Shalimar]

Wow Imp. I certainly did not get that impression. I saw some folks courageously sharing their pain, fears, and experiences, and honestly attempting to offer help and advice. In this area stiff upper lip philosophy rarely works. Mortality is not a passing

thing, no pun intended. Lol. We all deal with it differently. "Do not go gently into that good night" works for some, others have
different coping mechanisms. One size definitely does not fit all. Aging is difficult. I do get that ranting is a coping mechanism also.

 

[SifuPhil]

With all the things you have experienced, you should have a storehouse of wonderful memories. Get comfy in your rocker and enjoy them. You need to do the best you can with what you have got.

In another 19 years I will be 100. Then I will be seriously old.

Only if you believe so. Like me, now.

I try not to live off my past - when I do so I usually end up feeling sad, and when I look at the clock several hours have evaporated.

Yes. I worry about maintaining self-sufficiency and independence, and everything needed to insure that. But, I do get a smile, a laugh here and there, and momentary feelings of joy, mainly when talking to my kids....or actually seeing them in person.

I really never understood "depression", had always heard of it, but didn't sound like it would be something I'd give 2 seconds of thought to. I do understand depression now, and recognize it's face on the streets....

I never "believed" in it either - I thought it was just for other people.

As Gomer would say, "Surprise, surprise".

Well, after cruising through this thread fairly quickly, here's what I saw;

Philosophical discussion among a group of folks most of whom feared something, and hemmed and hawed about those fears, not a one of them able to provide stout resolve for any of the others' concerns, much less their own, NONE saying "GET A GRIP", "GO FORWARD", accept the consequences of doing so, DIE AS GRACEFULLY AS POSSIBLE. imp

EDIT: Easy for one already condemned to preach. Rant makes it easier to accept. imp

Well, that's ... a refreshing viewpoint.

Wow Imp. I certainly did not get that impression. I saw some folks courageously sharing their pain, fears, and experiences, and honestly attempting to offer help and advice.

That's pretty much what I've seen as well.

In this area stiff upper lip philosophy rarely works. Mortality is not a passing thing, no pun intended. Lol.

I laughed as well - thank you.

We all deal with it differently. "Do not go gently into that good night" works for some,

Although Dylan Thomas nailed it nicely, I've always liked Leonardo Da Vinci's dying words -

“I have offended God and mankind because my work didn't reach the quality it should have.”

...others have different coping mechanisms. One size definitely does not fit all. Aging is difficult. I do get that ranting is a coping mechanism also.

Unfortunately my coping mechanisms have fled, or at least changed into some bizarre, unrecognizable entity ...

 

[Shalimar]

When I was young, in pain, and completely clueless as to how to handle excruciating loss, an incredibly resilient woman who had her own "vacation condo" in the pit, said something very simple that still resonates with me today, "first, you cry."

 

[SifuPhil]

I suppose that crying, screaming, hitting things, etc. works for many people as a way of balancing the wrongs they've experienced. I've always been the type - until recently, as this post shows - to, as Imp said, "Get a grip" - never let it out, never let it show; you'll be seen a weak. Swallow the pain.

 

[Shalimar]

Oops, pushed wrong button again. Lol. Rest of above post should read, " sometimes the pain must leak out in order for there to be room for healing to seep in." Not a big answer for sure, but sometimes a beginning. Isolation often maims more quickly

by far than anguish. In the bottom of the pit, feeling a sense of connection with someone else can be a candle in the dark. we need to feel we matter.

 

[Shalimar]

I get it, did it myself. Shut down, turtled up.,hid. But the pain stalked me and found me. Ooh, was there hell to pay. Peeling back the festering layers of decades of stoicism almost destroyed me. wish I had been able to face it earlier, but I was too

ashamed and frightened. I don't like feeling weak. I really don't do feeling helpless well. But facing oneself is an incredibly brave thing to do. To let others see who we are even more so. Philly, I am so impressed with the way you and other members

have brought reality to this thread. Guts.

 

[SifuPhil]

I get it, did it myself. Shut down, turtled up.,hid. But the pain stalked me and found me. Ooh, was there hell to pay. Peeling back the festering layers of decades of stoicism almost destroyed me. wish I had been able to face it earlier, but I was too ashamed and frightened. I don't like feeling weak. I really don't do feeling helpless well. But facing oneself is an incredibly brave thing to do. To let others see who we are even more so. Philly, I am so impressed with the way you and other members have brought reality to this thread. Guts.

Thank you, m'Lady.

They say that bravery is sometimes just lack of common sense in the face of terror ... or pure desperation. I think that, for me, it's a little of both.

 

[Cookie]

Phil, I'll venture again --- not really to offer a fix --- but it sounds to me like you might be suffering from depression.

But I wonder if maybe a change might be in order -- lifestyle change, dietary improvements, vitamin supplements (D3 is good for depression, B50 combo too), outings to a nice place even if its not great weather. Maybe talk to a counselor or upbeat friend. Try to climb out of that dark pit, even if it means clawing your way out inch by inch. Most of us have some sort of physical problem we have to live with, but giving up is not an option.

 

[Shalimar]

Cookie, sometimes talking about stuff is a way of processing it while we speak. For some it is a vehicle to reduce feelings of inner pressure and confusion. Hard to climb out of the pit when I have the emotional spins. You are bang on about vitamins etc. Most people underrate the

importance of nutrition in fighting depression. Stress knocks our bodies out of whack. Extra sleep needed also. I hate pills, but
will take them short term if insomnia is brutal.

 

[SifuPhil]

Phil, I'll venture again --- not really to offer a fix --- but it sounds to me like you might be suffering from depression.

I draw a lot of what I am from my parents. My father was never depressed - not to hear tell of it, anyway. He kept that stiff upper lip and just soldiered on. Of course, he passed when I was 12 so I wasn't exactly a keen observer of the human condition at that point.

Mom? Mom was the quiet housewife who chain-smoked Chesterfields and devoted her entire life to her kids and husband. What she thought, deep down inside, was a secret kept from me.

So I guess I refuse to believe I'm depressed, even though all the symptoms are there.

But I wonder if maybe a change might be in order -- lifestyle change, dietary improvements, vitamin supplements (D3 is good for depression, B50 combo too), outings to a nice place even if its not great weather. Maybe talk to a counselor or upbeat friend. Try to climb out of that dark pit, even if it means clawing your way out inch by inch. Most of us have some sort of physical problem we have to live with, but giving up is not an option.

I'm fairly sure that change will be the catalyst, but in typically Stubborn Italian way I prefer to wait for it to come to me, rather than actively seek it out. I do have a wonderful friend who is helping me figure this out - although virtual, their advice and caring is invaluable and has actually, along with the many responses here, given me a strong grip on the edge of that pit.

"Giving up is not an option" ... wellllll ... as Mr. Spock once said, "There are always ... options". I see giving up as being an equal option to continuing on, certainly from a philosophical point of view. They both solve a problem, right?

 

[chic]

I think in my past life I would have been thrilled with this store!

Unfortunately I've hung up my handyman title. I used to be quite good at it in fact - rehabbed a few houses in my time - but now it's a major project to replace a screw on roomie's glasses. I whine like a spoiled little kid, procrastinate until roomie is blindly falling down the stairs, finally spend a day or two finding a jeweler's screwdriver and MIGHT get the job done in a week or so.

Phil you don't need to search out a jeweler's screwdriver anymore because CVS sells these little eyeglass repair kits right next to the non prescription reading glasses. The screwdriver and all the implements you require are enclosed in a handy plastic tube and it only costs about three bucks. I keep one handy all the time for use whenever needed.

 

[SifuPhil]

Phil you don't need to search out a jeweler's screwdriver anymore because CVS sells these little eyeglass repair kits right next to the non prescription reading glasses. The screwdriver and all the implements you require are enclosed in a handy plastic tube and it only costs about three bucks. I keep one handy all the time for use whenever needed.

Great idea, Chic. I've seen and used them many times; it's just a matter of getting up the gumption to go out the door, get on the bus, ride it to the store, go into that store, buy it, walk out of the store, catch the bus and walk home.

I know ... baby steps.

 

[IKE]

I think about what's coming just around the corner also Phil and it ain't pretty.......it's depressing as hell actually.

Here's just a few things that quickly pop to mind that we have to look forward to:

Dementia....Alzheimer's....Parkinson's....Arthritis....Osteoporosis....Lack of mobility....Falling....Nursing homes....Diapers etc.

I read somewhere that on average if a person makes it to 65 that they can expect another 19.3 years of life......there is a huge difference between just being alive for 19.3 more years and the quality of life during those last years.

I think after you get to a certain point that death is a welcome friend.

Don't know why but I got to pondering the above this morning and put myself in one of those moods.....I guess I need to quit pondering on the inevitable.

*slapping self*........snap out of it Ike !

 

[SifuPhil]

Don't know why but I got to pondering this morning and put myself in one of those moods.....I guess I need to quit pondering on the inevitable.

*slapping self*........snap out of it Ike !

I've stopped trying to force myself out of those moods, Ike - I just ride them until they naturally disappear.

Much easier than fighting them. I figure, when the time is right, I'll feel better. If not, well, then I'll be a grump for a while longer.

 

[GeorgiaXplant]

I didn't see this thread the first time around; funny it should catch my eye this morning.

Since this is an anonymous forum and since I'm not anybody worth tracking down and harassing, I figured WTH, I'll just throw this out there:

I hate my effing life. Hate it.

It's not just boredom because I hated it before I retired, too. I just had something do then. I hardly ever laugh and cry even less. I don't get angry...like to a point where there's door slamming or shouting...just annoyed from time to time and can't remember a time when I was over-the-moon happy, merely mildly pleased about something.

I'm not a doting granny although I love the g'kids, not even a doting parent although I love my kids, too.

Mostly, I just don't feel much of anything about anything. I like or don't like...ideas, people, things...but that's about as far as it goes. Like everybody else, I'll say "I love that" or "I hate that" but those are just words. For instance, I hate winter.

Either I've been crapped on too many times over the years and grown a cast iron shell or I'm just a cold, unfeeling bitch.

Having said all that, I look forward to spring. I look forward to the days when my SS and retirement checks are deposited. I look forward every night to my coffee in the morning.

 

[GeorgiaXplant]

Maybe that's me, too, BB. I've lost my passion for life. What I "hate" is not feeling anything and like you, probably in a rut of my own making where it's easier to stay in it than climb out of it.

 

[BlunderWoman]

This is the best thread I've read at this forum so far. I love when people really share their feelings together and it's more than just weather talk.

 

[Cookie]

When I woke up this morning I looked forward to my morning cup of coffee and to cleaning up the mess of dishes I made in the kitchen yesterday. That's what a clear sunny mild day does to me, after a wicked week and freezing weather.

Sometimes a nice long chat with a friend is all it takes for me to feel that life is OK, connecting over tea and cookies and laughing about some silly thing is all it takes to realize that its all ok.

 

[Denise1952]

A quote from Butterfly in another thread got me to thinking ...



I get this. In fact, I get it so strongly that I've had this feeling for the last 15 years or so.

For me, part of it is physical. I'm no longer 20 and can't do all the things I used to. Through nobody's fault but my own I've recently been whacked with a few medical problems, which once again I'm not used to, and it has caused me to start slipping off the bright, clean middle of that tapestry.

My choice to cut myself off from the world - another slip toward the edge.

Convincing myself that my days of close relationships are over - hanging onto the fringe, scrabbling, to keep from falling into that dark, wood-floored abyss.

And finally the 2-ton elephant giving me what seems to be the final push - that I have nothing to look forward to. I've had my education, my career, wrote my books, did my partying, made love under a full moon on the beach, got married, had kids, divorced, SCUBA dived, skydived ... I've lived my life, lived longer than my family. I've laughed and I've cried.

What's left? What can I look forward to? Old age? Sitting in a rocking chair or, worse, a hospital, somewhere? What's that? Living off a measly SS hand-out from the government that won't even pay for the cat food?

Have any of you ever had these dark thoughts?

Geez, you've been reading my diary Phil. I've been trying to turn things around, look at the glass half full. It's hard though, I drift back easily, at the least, little setback. I think about that song "is that all there is".

But I see it helps me to stay in today, not think future, not think past. What can I do, not what can't I do. I moved recently, and most of the folks in this seniors-only apartment building seem to be "just waiting to die". I don't want to get to that point, but some days I do. The days I do something, like even a walk, I feel so much different. But it's an ongoing struggle.

Reading your post helped me though, thanks for posting it. What I'm going to do, is plan something to look forward to (not my cremation, followed by my wake) but maybe a trip. Maybe find out where there is going to be a concert, love music. I don't have a lot of extra money either, but I did notice I can safely save a little each month. I think I'll ditch my truck, it needs more work, and heck, I can take a bus, or better yet, a train if I want to go somewhere. There's more and more going wrong with the truck, costing me any savings I do have.

I think for me, it's been the idea that at this age I do this, and at that age I do that. I know that we have to slow down to an extent, because of one thing or another. At the same time though, I don't want to buy into the lies (maybe unintentional) that because I am 63, my life is over. Because I have to have a pacemaker to keep me going, my life is over, because I have graying hair, my life is over. Oh, and, because I am alone, and don't meet anyone to share my life with, my life must be over for sure.

PS one more thing, my life is not over because while I was answering your post, I over-cooked my oatmeal, lol!

 

[fureverywhere]

Maybe I'm lucky that I've framed bad genetics into something positive. If I imagine old age realistically I'd probably consider jumping. But I realize my mother was the longest living female on that side of the family...66. I have high blood pressure, high stress. But I make the most out of most days. If you think that you might have at best another decade here...makes you want to take care of the important things.