Secular end-of-life sendoffs

StarSong

StarSong

Awkward is my Superpower
Location
Los Angeles Suburbs
Have you experienced funeral services or gatherings that haven't included church services, and if so, would you describe what they were like? What resonated and what didn't? What felt appropriate and what was awkward?

Many people aren't affiliated with a church or organized religion. It's tricky to organize final farewells and celebrations of who that person was and what he/she meant to those who mourn their passing.

I've hosted a few informal sendoffs at my house for quite elderly family members (who had outlived most of their friends), plus one restaurant gathering, but they weren't quite what I'd hoped.

The US doesn't tend to have local pubs (darn the legacy of those stupid pilgrims) plus many of us live in cities. I can see the charm of renting a smallish bar and grill (or brewery) for the evening. Perhaps that's a wiser way to go. How does that work? Friends and family make toasts, regale others with stories, or what? I only know what I've seen via TV and movies.

Since nearly all my friends and family do not belong to churches, this dilemma will undoubtedly be presenting itself frequently in the not too distant future.
 

My husband's ashes were placed inside a marble memorial bench in a lovely cemetery. We had both picked out and bought the site, in a beautiful wooded setting. Only myself and our immediate family were present, and we had a very short, secular ceremony.

About two months later, we had a memorial service by the bench. About 50 people attended, both friends and family. There was no mention of religion. People shared their memories and anecdotes, mostly lighthearted. The grandkids spoke about their earliest memories of Grandpa. A favorite song of his, with some of the lyrics inscribed on the bench, was played.

Afterwards, we had a memorial luncheon in his honor in the party room of my building. My husband was a gifted artist, and one of my daughters prepared a slide show of his art, which was shown on a wall throughout the luncheon. That same daughter is a professional fIutist, and the slide show was accompanied by a recording of her playing. It felt appropriate for us.

Also, I once attended a memorial luncheon for a woman in my community, a very popular and very talented singer, mostly Broadway tunes. Her son prepared a video of her singing, and we enjoyed a little bit more of "Dolly." I don't know if the family had a religious service, but I have a feeling that the luncheon was her real memorial service.

I've also attended several services in the more liberal churches and synagogues, which had minimal or no prayers or any other religious content.
Life has become varied enough that we have almost infinite choices.
 
I saw a movie, a few years back, called Captain Fantastic. It was about a couple who were raising their children off the grid. Anyway, one of the highlights of the movie was that the mother, when she died, wanted to be cremated and her ashes were to be flushed down an airport toilet. A little less personal than your desire but still, along the same line. Anyway, reading what you wrote made me smile at the memory.
 
My husband and I have told his son and daughter that we want to be cremated and they can do whatever they want with our ashes. The only stipulation I had was that I don't want my ashes sprinkled in an ocean or lake because I can't swim...haha. We don't want any viewing or funeral service of any kind and no newspaper obit. We feel that if you can't be bothered to see us when we're alive, then you don't need to bother to see us when we're dead.
 
StarSong said:
I can see the charm of renting a smallish bar and grill (or brewery) for the evening. Perhaps that's a wiser way to go. How does that work?
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Starry-

My Dad's funeral (in a church) was about the most drab, lackluster event I've ever been to

I've been the elected eulogy (special guest) guy for many a funeral
It usually turns into a sorta comedy club atmosphere
(sad folks are easy marks)
My brother and I did our ad lib standup gig
Total silence
Turned out, most the folks were waaaay over 90 and couldn't hear their own buts fart.

After the funeral, about a dozen of us offspring met at a small nearby eatery

We closed the place

So many memories shared
Never laughed so hard
So many touching moments too

The food was also a nice touch
 
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Colleen said:
My husband and I have told his son and daughter that we want to be cremated and they can do whatever they want with our ashes. The only stipulation I had was that I don't want my ashes sprinkled in an ocean or lake because I can't swim...haha. We don't want any viewing or funeral service of any kind and no newspaper obit. We feel that if you can't be bothered to see us when we're alive, then you don't need to bother to see us when we're dead.
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I have to agree with Colleen. I do NOT want a viewing, nor a funeral. If I'm dead, and embalmed, laying in a box, and some idiot walks up, and says, "Don't he look good?". I'm coming back , and strangling the SOB.
 
Colleen said:
My husband and I have told his son and daughter that we want to be cremated and they can do whatever they want with our ashes. The only stipulation I had was that I don't want my ashes sprinkled in an ocean or lake because I can't swim...haha. We don't want any viewing or funeral service of any kind and no newspaper obit. We feel that if you can't be bothered to see us when we're alive, then you don't need to bother to see us when we're dead.
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Your wishes mirror exactly what dear husband and I want, nothing in the end.

No Funeral, no write-up (obituary), cremation, the end.
 
When my wife died, she was cremated as were her wishes. We had no family nearby and no close friends.
I drove out to Oxnard, where we went for most of the 29 anniversaries we celebrated, and rented a kayak. The people there were very helpful getting the two of us launched, and I paddled out to the marina entrance. It took about a half hour of paddling until I could get clear of the breakwater and out into the open sea. The conditions were not too bad, only a one to two foot swell, which made things easier for me.

I opened the bag with her ashes, and slowly poured them into the sea. I said a few prayers for her, and watched as the ashes dispersed into the water. I sat there for a while, reminiscing over the 30 years we spent together, and slowly paddled back to the landing.

After changing into dry clothes, I went upstairs to the restaurant we always ate at when we came here. I felt a small pang of remembrance and guilt, as this was the first time in a while that I had no one to help up the stairs.
 
My husband's mother (who was a sweetheart 🥰) was 91 when she passed in 2006. Her wishes were to be cremated and no viewing and buried next to her husband. However, her two daughter's, decided they weren't going to do that so they had a full funeral with viewing and no cremation! My husband is the oldest of 5 kids but he and his brother's were never asked or notified that that was what the girls were doing. I thought that changing her wishes was a selfish thing to do on their part.
 
Colleen said:
My husband's mother (who was a sweetheart 🥰) was 91 when she passed in 2006. Her wishes were to be cremated and no viewing and buried next to her husband. However, her two daughter's, decided they weren't going to do that so they had a full funeral with viewing and no cremation! My husband is the oldest of 5 kids but he and his brother's were never asked or notified that that was what the girls were doing. I thought that changing her wishes was a selfish thing to do on their part.
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Despicable on their part.
 
My husband and I have told our children that we want to be cremated. After the first of us dies the other hold the ashes to be commingled with the other's upon that passing. Our children can then manage our ashes in whatever way is meaningful to them.
No viewings and no caskets.

I want a party or similar event to mark my passing from this life. A happy time for my loved ones to gather, swap stories, laugh a little, perhaps cry a little, and generally experience closure with other people I cared about.
Some professional mourners wailing in the background would be a nice touch...
 
StarSong said:
I want a party or similar event to mark my passing from this life. A happy time for my loved ones to gather, swap stories, laugh a little, perhaps cry a little, and generally experience closure with other people I cared about.
Some professional mourners wailing in the background would be a nice touch...
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Need a stand up guy, Starry?

I can mourn too....no charge
 
My brother and SIL lost their 32 year old son a few years ago. They had him cremated. He was an artist who especially liked to paint boats and ships, so they'd put his ashes in a lighthouse-shaped urn. They held a memorial party at a VFW hall. His paintings were on the walls, and the lighthouse sat on a table next to a big a guest book. There was a huge barbecue grill and a kids bouncy house outside. Well over 100 people came to eat, chat, and have a good time. There were somber times, too, but it was uplifting overall.
 
Murrmurr said:
My brother and SIL lost their 32 year old son a few years ago. They had him cremated. He was an artist who especially liked to paint boats and ships, so they'd put his ashes in a lighthouse-shaped urn. They held a memorial party at a VFW hall. His paintings were on the walls, and the lighthouse sat on a table next to a big a guest book. There was a huge barbecue grill and a kids bouncy house outside. Well over 100 people came to eat, chat, and have a good time. There were somber times, too, but it was uplifting overall.
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I can't imagine losing a child...at any age but what a wonderful tribute to him and what he loved to do. It doesn't always have to be gloom and doom.
 
StarSong said:
My husband and I have told our children that we want to be cremated. After the first of us dies the other hold the ashes to be commingled with the other's upon that passing. Our children can then manage our ashes in whatever way is meaningful to them.
No viewings and no caskets.

I want a party or similar event to mark my passing from this life. A happy time for my loved ones to gather, swap stories, laugh a little, perhaps cry a little, and generally experience closure with other people I cared about.
Some professional mourners wailing in the background would be a nice touch...
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Yeah, the professional mourners wailing in the background would add a certain je ne sais quoi! 🤭
 
At StarSong's request, this is a precis of the funeral that my wife and I attended today.
Previously I thought that a secular service was held for the deceased on Friday, just for his immediate family. That was something that I had misunderstood. Members of his family had travelled from various places to be at today's funeral, they had gathered just for personal reasons.

Today's service was held at The Woodland Burial site, Harbour View in the beautiful county of Dorset. We were asked to observe Covid rules, we were also asked not to take photos. The place may not be of a religious nature but it still followed all the respectful ways one would expect in a place of worship. To show you where the service was held I have uplifted a couple of photos from their website.
brian2.jpgbrian3.jpg
A eulogy of our friend Brian was read. It covered his childhood, his young adulthood, his conscription in the armed forces. then his family life through to the time he met the lady that he has loved and lived with for the last twenty years. It took some thirty minutes or so.

The eulogy was interspersed with choices of music that Brian had chosen. We gathered to the strains of The Moody Blues' "Knights in White Satin." For the passage about his life after the draft, we heard Doris Day singing: "Que Sera, Sera."

At the end of the eulogy, one of Brian's relatives read a poem that she had composed herself, it went like this:

"Oh dear, if you're reading this right now,
I must have given up the ghost.
I hope you can forgive me for being,
such a stiff and unwelcoming host.

Just talk among yourselves my friends
and share a toast or two,
For I am sure you will remember well,
how I loved to drink with you.

Don't worry about mourning me
I was never easy to offend,
feel free to share a story at my expense
and we'll have a good laugh at the end."

Following the reading of the poem, we were all asked to reflect on Brian's life. Just to add a smattering of humour, we were actually asked to reflect on: "The Life of Brian." As we did Glenn Miller's "Moonlight Serenade," filled the room. A fitting tribute.

We then had a thanksgiving for Brian, for the family man, the friend, the joker, the bon viveur. It was at this point that I felt the hot burning as my eyes welled up. Farewell Brian my lovely friend, you blessed our lives with your presence.

The tears quickly dried as the choice of closing music was by: "Asleep at the Wheel, Get Your Kicks on Route 66." How we resisted getting up and dancing I'll never know.

My own observance is that secular services like this are much like religious ones in that there was respectfulness, some humour and a thanksgiving for the life of someone who was very special and very ordinary in an extraordinary way.

Brian had asked for his friend's to get dressed up, nothing that depicted mourning. Good for you Brian.

Brian's funeral 002.JPGBrian's funeral 003.JPGBrian's funeral 004.JPG
I'm only allowed five photos, so as this is more or less the end of Brian's service before his burial I will post this now and continue with the party in the next post.
 
I don't want any fanfare and wish to be buried as soon as possible. I want to hold a music box that my dad gave me when I was 3 years old and my charm bracelet that tells my whole life in charms. I know my daughter doesn't want it.
I absolutely want to be buried in our family gravesite. My Grandpa made sure there were enough graves for generations to come.
I did tell my daughter to check and make sure I do have that music box with me and my charm bracelet on.
I'm not particularly religious but do like Ecclesiastes 3 1-8 which I asked my son in law to read at my grave.
 
Brian's friends and family gathered at The Red Lion pub, where we enjoyed a meal and much banter, the best of which, came from one of Brian's brothers. He got up and made an amusing impromptu speech which started with: "We all knew that Brian had a large extended circle of friends, but hell's bells what a bunch of wonderful eccentrics you all are. You are totally fabulous, even the pub's staff have been blown away by your mode of dress." He went on to regale us with stories of growing up with his big brother and later in life feeling just a tad envious that his brother had made so many friends, adding that it came as no surprise, Brian's heart had a place for everyone.

So what was it that made him and others smile? In the first post you can see a flower arrangement that spelt "DAPPER," and a dapper gent he was. Everyone had made an effort, small details, like my wife's attire. At some function or other Brian had said to her: "Now that's what I call a little black dress." Tina wore it for him today.

Brian's funeral 006.JPGBrian's funeral 007.JPGBrian's funeral 008.JPG
Brian's funeral 009.JPG
Chances are someone will mention that your's truly hasn't been seen. Best not be churlish:
Brian's funeral 010.JPG
 
I held my husband's funeral/memorial service three weeks after he died in order for family, friends and coworkers to be able to come.

It was at his favorite fish camp and we had BBQ, beer and fixins', story telling, some crying and some laughing, some singing.. Afterwards, we went out in a flotilla of boats and scattered his ashes at his favorite fishing spot. It was one helluva party and he would have enjoyed it thoroughly.

He would have hated a formal service and would have probably come back to haunt me if I had one for him.

I did let his sister have a mass for him. It was important to her and he wouldn't have had the courage to haunt her.
 
After I’m cremated, I don’t care where my ashes go. No service. A brief write up for a couple of local papers. My husband wouldn’t go back to where my kids are and I don’t expect them to come here for an event that isn’t happening. They can get together at a cottage later on and call it a memorial, if they want.

IMO, it’s not about the actual service. It’s the get-together after. Some good food & drinks help the memories. If you don’t have a home to gather at, a restaurant will usually set aside a space for your group. Definitely wouldn’t have anything in a chain place.
 
Jules said:
After I’m cremated, I don’t care where my ashes go. No service.

IMO, it’s not about the actual service. It’s the get-together after. Some good food & drinks help the memories. If you don’t have a home to gather at, a restaurant will usually set aside a space for your group. Definitely wouldn’t have anything in a chain place.
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That's how most of us feel, Jules. I'm nobody special, don't waste your tears on me, it's certainly the sentiment that I feel. But saying goodbye to a cherished friend today, it struck me that we are all very special. What we don't want, like many others, is to be the centre of attention, but when it's our turn to be the one in the coffin, being the centre of attention is something that cannot be avoided.

So to paraphrase Jules who says it's not about the actual service, it's the get together afterwards. I would say: It is about the service, whether it's secular or religious, it's a piece of theatre that we need, in order to come to terms with, the loss of someone we hold very dear in our hearts. I'm not arguing the point, the after service party is important. In Ireland where the wake is a great celebration, the deceased is propped up, in their coffin, upright, in a corner of the room, whilst friends and family go out of their way to drink each other under the table. That's a great way to go out.
 
Thanks for this forum, Starsong!! This is something that can be difficult to discuss but needs to be talked about!

Our family is scattered so we moved to our own New England paradise. To make things easier for them, we just purchased burial plots in an ORGANIC BURIAL GROUND. We can be cremated or wrapped in a sheet (or other biodegradable textile or paper), and buried. The headstones are flat rocks with minimal engraving and a flag holder if you're a Veteran. It was so beautiful a place and so peaceful. There are only two such places in Maine. I doubt they will have much of a funeral since they won't know anyone here but if they do, I hope there is an open bar!

Be advised - a "green burial" is NOT the same as "organic." We wanted the full organic treatment as we go back to the earth. (kind of like vegetarian is not quite the same as vegan)
 

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