Sex as a senior

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I'm 66. My girlfriend Michelle is 39. We met fairly recently; been seeing each other for several months. I've been single for well over 2 decades, and before meeting Michelle I hadn't been in a relationship for about 4 lonely years, and I wasn't dating either. But I was super occupied with other stuff. I'd had major back surgery and was getting intense physical therapy, going to tai-chi classes almost every day and group meditation sessions once a week.

So my situation is different, but I can certainly relate to the need for a sexual relationship supported by an emotional bond. (And I suppose you could say that in the reverse; an emotional bond supported by sexual relations.) I'm not Michelle's pal, I'm her lover. We don't have sex for the giggles, it deepens our relationship. Conversation after sex while lying in bed naked is far more personal and intimate than conversation over dinner while buttering a roll.

But the stuff that kept me occupied for those 4 lonely years did help decrease my frustration over the absence of an intimate relationship. It helped immensely. I worked really, really hard to get my strength back, to walk normally, and increase my endurance. I was very focused.

That said, I would be a very unhappy man if I were married to someone who just up and decided we weren't going to have those rewarding hours of beautiful intimacy anymore.
 
@LSWOTE
Discuss with her the possibility of her allowing you to find a woman, a prostitute if necessary, to have sex with. Discuss the possibility of opening the marriage. Be honest, man! IMO, and my marriage, sex was very important to the both of us. I can't imagine, barring illness, a marriage where one just doesn't feel like it and the other wants & needs it. Withholding sex is cold, cruel and manipulative. Unless, of course, you are not truly expressing the depth of your feelings.

Does your MIL living with you have anything to do with a poor sex life before a no sex life? Has her presence made a difference in the romance of your marriage?
 

Sex and relationship can be two separate deals... Sex within a romantic relationship can be phenomenal....
We have been together almost 37 years... 1st we were like rabbits... we progressed across different levels... at times I felt she was only having sex out of obligation... and that killed my drive, then she thought I didn't love her anymore...... see the circle. We do love each other and wanted to work on improving our relationship... and with that the sex is... well .... F#@$ING AWESOME....
It ain't everyday, but.... DAMN
 
LSWOTE said:
Well, loneliness can be relieved by other people but not sex, at least not without consequences, so sex is more of the sticky point.

My asking for advice and perhaps conversation seems to have offended you somehow. Let me apologize as I am sure my forthrightness is often too abrupt for polite company.
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I am not offended so no need to apologize.

I do dislike one way conversations where someone represents themselves as nearly if not completely perfect and “blames” everything on the other person. I have a great many issues with my husband, but I always make it clear that I am no where near an angel. It takes two to dance.

After 18 years of marriage I am sure you know why she no longer wishes to have sex. I find it strange that a person, new to the forum, would seek opinions when you said you already knew your choices. Apparently giving up sex isn’t some thing you will consider.

This discussion mystifies me. Since you have had therapy in the past, why not seek therapy now? Are you going to pick someone’s opinion and agree with it and follow through? Do you just want justification that you should be upset that she won’t “put out” cause you pay all the bills? What do you want to get out of this discussion?
 
Shalimar said:
Wow, that is both simplistic and harsh. No wonder many men find it so difficult to open up and share their feelings. Being a good husband and father does not require living in misery with a partner who has apparently abrogated all

emotional and sexual investment in her marriage. She is equally responsible for being a good spouse and mother. Children flourish with loving happy parents, not unhappy ones. I have counselled many kids who were torn apart by living with unhappy parents.
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I so agree with all you've replied here Shalimar. Why people ask "Why people ask questions....etc" and this is a forum for the purpose of discussion is beyond me!!

@LSWOTE Welcome to SF. I don't think it's fair to you that your wife has closed her self off from being able to discuss the problem which means she is not considering your feelings at all. Don't judge whether you are a good husband or not by her lack of care for your needs. You've said a few things here that lead me to believe you are indeed a good husband and provider.

There's a oft used joke going around about men not "getting any" once they become husbands and the honeymoon phase is over. Sexless marriages are more common than people think. I was surprised to read an article about sexless marriages among the younger generation. There could be several reasons according to the couples. But in your case, how can you be expected to know what they are if your wife won't open up? Well of course one is she see's you as a "brother". Normal people don't want to have sex with their siblings. But how did she get to that point? You won't know if she doesn't discuss it. You have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this or if you want to move on and find emotional fulfillment and happiness. Perhaps that decision will be easier to make once you son is grown and out on his own.
@Aneeda72 @Chet @SetWave
 
Pepper said:
@LSWOTE
Discuss with her the possibility of her allowing you to find a woman, a prostitute if necessary, to have sex with. Discuss the possibility of opening the marriage. Be honest, man! IMO, and my marriage, sex was very important to the both of us. I can't imagine, barring illness, a marriage where one just doesn't feel like it and the other wants & needs it. Withholding sex is cold, cruel and manipulative. Unless, of course, you are not truly expressing the depth of your feelings.

Does your MIL living with you have anything to do with a poor sex life before a no sex life? Has her presence made a difference in the romance of your marriage?
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I sort of went there in conversation with my wife along those lines once and I feel it might drive her to divorce me and be vindictive about it. She is Catholic and that might be a bridge too far for her. She lives with me being an atheist but going to prostitutes would be too much for her. In fact the only lie I have ever told her is related to that. After we had been married a couple years somehow it came up in conversation for her to ask if I had ever been with a prostitute. I had been with several prostitutes before we were married, but I could see from her demeanor it wasn't going to go well if I told the truth. Now if we had been unmarried when she asked I would have owned up to it, but we were married and had a young child together and so I said no.

Her mother living with us is actually a great thing. Even though she is in her mid-eighties, she was raised on hard work and only seems happy cleaning and planting and we have a lot cleaner house than we have a right to and she has always taken care of my son which means when he was a baby I got to sleep through the night even when he was a newborn. Lately she has been suffocating my son a bit as he is 17 and sick of being told to eat all the time when he would rather go out and eat with his friends, but on whole she has been a huge positive and didn't have anything to do with the problems between my wife and I.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I so agree with all you've replied here Shalimar. Why people ask "Why people ask questions....etc" and this is a forum for the purpose of discussion is beyond me!!

@LSWOTE Welcome to SF. I don't think it's fair to you that your wife has closed her self off from being able to discuss the problem which means she is not considering your feelings at all. Don't judge whether you are a good husband or not by her lack of care for your needs. You've said a few things here that lead me to believe you are indeed a good husband and provider.

There's a oft used joke going around about men not "getting any" once they become husbands and the honeymoon phase is over. Sexless marriages are more common than people think. I was surprised to read an article about sexless marriages among the younger generation. There could be several reasons according to the couples. But in your case, how can you be expected to know what they are if your wife won't open up? Well of course one is she see's you as a "brother". Normal people don't want to have sex with their siblings. But how did she get to that point? You won't know if she doesn't discuss it. You have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this or if you want to move on and find emotional fulfillment and happiness. Perhaps that decision will be easier to make once you son is grown and out on his own.
@Aneeda72 @Chet @SetWave
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In his opening statement he said by mutual agreement he and his wife had not sex in a long time. Now he has changed his mind. She hasn’t. So when he didn’t want to have sex, it was fine: but now that he wants to have sex; it’s not fine. This is controlling behavior, IMO.
 
LSWOTE said:
Yes, she is Colombian. I met and married her in Bogota though we have lived in the US our entire marriage. I thought Colombians were good lovers but maybe that is just PR.
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So, what you are saying is that you are a ”good” man who has used several prostitutes in the past and thought Colombian woman were good lovers. IMO, good men don't use prostitutes or generalize about whether woman of a certain country are good lovers or not.

I feel very sorry about some of the things people have said about your wife who is not able to respond to what you are saying. I think there is a lot more to this, and she has made the right decision. IMO, if she is able, she should take her mom, her kid, and leave.
 
Aneeda72 said:
So, what you are saying is that you are a ”good” man who has used several prostitutes in the past and thought Colombian woman were good lovers. IMO, good men don't use prostitutes or generalize about whether woman of a certain country are good lovers or not.

I feel very sorry about some of the things people have said about your wife who is not able to respond to what you are saying. I think there is a lot more to this, and she has made the right decision. IMO, if she is able, she should take her mom, her kid, and leave.
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I didn't USE anybody. I paid for intimacy with women. I was respectful and they were lovely. Your values don't seem to coincide with reading a thread entitled "Sex as a senior". You seem to be here to judge, not to contribute.
 
JonDouglas said:
You should know that there can be an unholy amalgam of medical/hormonal/brain chemistry issues that combine to not only totally kill a woman's interest in sex but make it a most unpleasant experience and something to be avoided.
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Yeah, like posting about VERY personal private life on a public forum to a bunch of strangers. Yuck. Where has integrity gone? (It probably left with her libido.)
 
Let's see. You use your money to pay all the bills and your wife spends all her money on herself. Her mother lives with you and does all the cleaning and gardening so your wife doesn't have to do that. You would like to have a warm intimate relationship with your wife, but she doesn't really seem to care what you want.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but she sounds incredibly selfish and spoiled to me.

I don't know what can be done with someone who wants to stay married but doesn't want to make any effort toward happiness for their partner. I would say the same about anything that was really important to the spouse. All I can think of would be asking her if she was willing to talk to a priest, either with or without you along. He might remind her that there's more to being a good Catholic wife than just not getting divorced. Both partners in a marriage have conjugal rights as well as the right to say no. When one person takes their right to say no and turns it into never, (when that desire isn't mutual) that's just wrong and a denial of the marriage vows.
 
SetWave said:
I was tempted to think of this a bogus right from the beginning.
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How did I share anything that violated any integrity? What in my OP seems bogus? Now I admit to not telling every detail of the story, but you seem offended in what I already did tell and I was sticking to basic points. I am not sure I even called myself a good guy. Just that I have tried to do the right thing and I was kind of at my wits end.

You know I saw there are a number of lovely forums on here that talk about kittens and ask how you slept last night. Perhaps you should stick to them.
 
LSWOTE said:
I didn't USE anybody. I paid for intimacy with women. I was respectful and they were lovely. Your values don't seem to coincide with reading a thread entitled "Sex as a senior". You seem to be here to judge, not to contribute.
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Oh really?

Were those women covered by health insurance? Did they see doctors regularly? Did they have decent places to live? Did you go to their house, pay for an hourly hotel, or just do it in a car or alley? Were they forced into prostitution? Were they underage?-seems you like younger women. I suppose you didn’t pay their bills.

You did not have intimacy with those women, you had paid sex with prostitutes with no knowledge of their circumstances or what lead to their having to made a living in this manner. My values are just fine. Prostitution is against the law and you were nothing but a “John”, in these situations.

I have not judged YOU, that is not my place. I have said, IMO, using prostitutes is not the action of a “good” man. Those woman were and are someone’s daughter. And you don’t get to decide if I am contributing to this thread or not. Keep your control issues, under control.
 
Ruthanne said:
This is so true and I don't know what's wrong with some of these people who don't act with respect and avoid personal attacks but it gets old.
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Ruthanne,

I totally agree with your comment.

There is a lot of good input on this thread, and there is also a lot of "stuff" that would cause anyone contemplating hanging around to question whether or not they want to do that. We are not exactly attracting new members when they get disrespected.
 
LSWOTE said:
My wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time. For a time it was mutual (we verbally fought a lot), but eventually I wanted intimacy again. I talked to my wife about it, obliquely at first as she is really doesn't like to discuss relationship issues of any kind. Eventually I spoke plainly about it. She told me she looks at me like a brother, and implied this was a pretty normal development in our relationship. This was news to me, but since then I have come to learn that she isn't alone in her opinion and I know of other women who feel the same.

I can see my wife's point of view sort of. For me, sex filled two needs, a physical one and an emotional one. My wife has a large network of friends she gets emotional support from and she doesn't have the same emotional needs as me. However her lack of interest in a physical relationship makes no sense to me at all. She just doesn't seem to need it. I am sure she isn't doing anything secretly with someone else, she just doesn't need sex.

Now it is worth mentioning I am 15 years older than my wife and I still very much interested in the physical side of things.

I have considered leaving but frankly starting over would be incredibly hard financially and I have a teenage son with my wife who is still living at home and I enjoy having him around. He will be starting his own life soon enough and I kind of want to spend as much time as I can with him before that time comes. I have also thought of cheating, but frankly I don't know anyone to cheat with even if I could get past the moral scruples of it.

I have tried to get my wife to go to counseling but she adamantly said no. I went to counseling on my own and while it helped me understand my feelings about things, it didn't offer any solutions.

I am lonely and horny and have a pretty wife who doesn't want to help me with either.

Kind of at my wits end.
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My condolences and welcome aboard.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Oh really?

Were those women covered by health insurance? Did they see doctors regularly? Did they have decent places to live? Did you go to their house, pay for an hourly hotel, or just do it in a car or alley? Were they forced into prostitution? We’re they underage?-seems you like younger women. I suppose you didn’t pay their bills.

You did not have intimacy with those women, you had paid sex with prostitutes with no knowledge of their circumstances or what lead to their having to made a living in this manner. My values are just fine. Prostitution is against the law and you were nothing but a “John”, in these situations.

I have not judged YOU, that is not my place. I have said, IMO, using prostitutes is not the action of a “good” man. Those woman were and are someone’s daughter. And you don’t get to decide if I am contributing to this thread or not. Keep your control issues, under control.
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Yikes, you are one unfriendly, judgmental hombre!
 

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