Sex as a senior

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Murrmurr said:
I'm 66. My girlfriend Michelle is 39. We met fairly recently; been seeing each other for several months. I've been single for well over 2 decades, and before meeting Michelle I hadn't been in a relationship for about 4 lonely years, and I wasn't dating either. But I was super occupied with other stuff. I'd had major back surgery and was getting intense physical therapy, going to tai-chi classes almost every day and group meditation sessions once a week.

So my situation is different, but I can certainly relate to the need for a sexual relationship supported by an emotional bond. (And I suppose you could say that in the reverse; an emotional bond supported by sexual relations.) I'm not Michelle's pal, I'm her lover. We don't have sex for the giggles, it deepens our relationship. Conversation after sex while lying in bed naked is far more personal and intimate than conversation over dinner while buttering a roll.

But the stuff that kept me occupied for those 4 lonely years did help decrease my frustration over the absence of an intimate relationship. It helped immensely. I worked really, really hard to get my strength back, to walk normally, and increase my endurance. I was very focused.

That said, I would be a very unhappy man if I were married to someone who just up and decided we weren't going to have those rewarding hours of beautiful intimacy anymore.
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A model!
We need to put in the hours (of focussed work) to achieve what we want.. our goal.
 
LSWOTE said:
I don't know what you said in post 76 that should be responded to. You pointed out like I have and others have that I have the choice to either leave or stay and put up with things the way they are. Now I was actually hoping other people might have an option 3, like a way to rebuild intimacy with my wife. Not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. If nothing else I was hoping to find out how to live with a difficult situation. I have no family and no close friends so I am having a rough go of it.
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Thanks for replying to my post LSWOTE... may I ask you, when did your wife stop sexual relations with you? Can you be as close to the time as possible. Was it after an argument? After the birth of your child? Your answer could have a bearing on my next reply.
 

LSWOTE said:
I don't know what you said in post 76 that should be responded to. You pointed out like I have and others have that I have the choice to either leave or stay and put up with things the way they are. Now I was actually hoping other people might have an option 3, like a way to rebuild intimacy with my wife. Not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. If nothing else I was hoping to find out how to live with a difficult situation. I have no family and no close friends so I am having a rough go of it.
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Leave or stay..
You're hoping for option 3, like a way to rebuild intimacy...

IMO, it's possible.

It took years to have come to today's situation. So it will take some time to rebuild the connection.

Don't be historical. Erase the guilt, shame and blame, "have amnesia" but remember the buttons. Don't press them.

Treat her like a new friend, or an old friend or a good friend, whichever you deem fit. And grow the relationship from there...

Along the way, after a period of time, you will have an answer, if option 3 is working for you. If it is not happening the way you are wishing it, you will have to decide and be as happy as you can be, with your decision.

Good luck.
 
Dana said:
Thanks for replying to my post LSWOTE... may I ask you, when did your wife stop sexual relations with you? Can you be as close to the time as possible. Was it after an argument? After the birth of your child? Your answer could have a bearing on my next reply.
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So many factors entered into the issue and I have been already been harshly criticized for giving out so many details about something many think I should be keeping to myself so I think I will keep the particulars of that to myself. And while I wish there was an option 3, it seems highly unlikely there is.
 
LSWOTE said:
So many factors entered into the issue and I have been already been harshly criticized for giving out so many details about something many think I should be keeping to myself so I think I will keep the particulars of that to myself. And while I wish there was an option 3, it seems highly unlikely there is.
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By all means protect yourself, but there is nothing wrong in sharing personal details on this forum. I have done so, as have others. People who find that inappropriate have the option to exit the thread. This is a relationship thread where people go to vent, ask for advice, or solace.
 
Shalimar said:
By all means protect yourself, but there is nothing wrong in sharing personal details on this forum. I have done so, as have others. People who find that inappropriate have the option to exit the thread. This is a relationship thread where people go to vent, ask for advice, or solace. If other people find your honesty and candour uncomfortable why are they reading the relationship thread?
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LSWOTE said:
So many factors entered into the issue and I have been already been harshly criticized for giving out so many details about something many think I should be keeping to myself so I think I will keep the particulars of that to myself. And while I wish there was an option 3, it seems highly unlikely there is.
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Fair enough...I understand, but if you change your mind I would be happy to offer my perspective. As for the critics, pay them no mind, everything and everyone here is anonymous. Good luck.
 
Zone said:
A model!
We need to put in the hours (of focussed work) to achieve what we want.. our goal.
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First goal was to get out of the wheelchair, and the second one was to drive myself to a Goodwill store and donate the walker. Just weeks after meeting the second goal, I hung up the cane for good. That was a little shy of 3 years ago and I'm still making progress.
 
Murrmurr said:
First goal was to get out of the wheelchair, and the second one was to drive myself to a Goodwill store and donate the walker. Just weeks after meeting the second goal, I hung up the cane for good. That was a little shy of 3 years ago and I'm still making progress.
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Praise 👏👏👏

Like I said, you're a model, a good example to follow.

You want something, work on it.💪
 
LSWOTE said:
Does that mean ignore them? Claims were made that I wasn't sure made more sense to ignore or defend. My youthful ambition says they need defending while my less dominate "wisdom that comes with age" says I should just ignore them. So far my youthful ambition is winning.
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I meant, try and ignore them. There are ‘many’ pot stirrers on here who only acknowledge other posters as such. Since this is such a sensitive topic, I can completely understand your defensive ego standing your ground to defend yourself. That’s perfectly normal. You’ve had some incredibly rude and insensitive comments thrown your way. It could be a combination of the fact that you are ‘new’ and the fact that the topic is so personal and vulnerable. Perhaps it makes others uncomfortable. While you are incognito, they may view this much sharing as a complete betrayal. Who knows? I sure don’t. It’s a ‘discussion forum.’ Members can either participate and offer you suggestions to consider or move along if it’s not their ‘cup of tea.’

I do however understand that dynamics can certainly change in relationships over time and if we don’t address the underlining issues, these changes can take the relationship in a whole new direction which can take on a life of their own.

You say that this non sexual relationship was a mutual decision but don’t mention how this came about. You also mention the use of prostitutes and how this was hidden from your wife. Why?

If this relationship was based on mutual ‘friendship’ with no sexual relationship, then your changing your mind has broken that agreement so naturally there would be conflict.

You clearly don’t wish to divulge all the details of this relationship and I don’t blame you in the least. There are basically only two suggestions I can offer.

1/. Both agree to take counselling to resolve your issues.
2/. Accept the relationship as it is and find other solutions to your frustrations. I’m not sure anything can fill that void of healthy human intimacy but there certainly are close runners up.

Either way, I wish you luck and pure happiness with or without a sexual relationship.
Ultimately you have to decide whether you will continue to accept this relationship as is or move on. Like some others have mentioned, you cannot force someone to be sexually attracted to you. They either are or they are not. There’s not a lot you can do to change others. They are who they are. The only person you can change is yourself.
 
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Post number one by the OP ”my wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time. For a long time it was mutual (we verbally fought a lot) THEN EVENTUALLY I WANTED INTIMACY AGAIN.”

It was, according to the OP, by MUTUAL agreement that he and his wife stopped having sex. Since they talked and agreed to end the sexual part of their relationship, the op knows why the sex ended. His claim of ignorance is false, IMO.

The OP then says he wanted intimacy again. His wife apparently wants to continue with the agreement they made. She did not decide to deny him sex. They mutually decided to end a sexual relationship and discussed doing so. He does not get to change the agreement, and we do not know the details of the agreement between him and his wife as he refuses to disclose the information.

Instead, he “plays“, IMO, the victim. A familiar tactic to us all. So glad he has me on ignore, I so wish a couple of other people did. ☺️
 
LSWOTE said:
So many factors entered into the issue and I have been already been harshly criticized for giving out so many details about something many think I should be keeping to myself so I think I will keep the particulars of that to myself. And while I wish there was an option 3, it seems highly unlikely there is.
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Is there any way to get back to how it was when you met? Would you date your wife again? Could you fall in love with her again? Could you find ways to help her fall back in love with you? I keep my fingers crossed that you can!
 
Pepper said:
Is there any way to get back to how it was when you met? Would you date your wife again? Could you fall in love with her again? Could you find ways to help her fall back in love with you? I keep my fingers crossed that you can!
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But @Pepper what if his wife does not want to get back together? What if his wife is just waiting until their son has graduated from HS and leaving then? The son is 17. A mother would usually not disrupt the child’s life at this point in time. Although, due to covid, his life has probably been disrupted.

I am terribly curious why you support the OP without knowing the story the wife would/might tell. Can you explain this to me? It seems you have chosen a side. Am I wrong? Also, there is COVID-19. The OP talks about using prostitution or having an affair and risks bringing the virus home to his family so he can “have sex”. To me, IMO, this shows a disregard of the health of the family.
 
I find the responses on this thread by the forum members extremely interesting, as I do all threads like this. Someone on this thread has repeatedly said that they were prostituted as a child and has spoken of the extreme trauma and mental illness that caused them.

Yet that individual has posted no objection to the OP’s use of prostitutes or the statements other members have made regarding prostitution. @Gaer in post #93 actually said “I think prostitutes serve a public service.” WOW, just WOW, and no one batted an eyelash.

She went on to say “They probably deter rapes and other deviant practices”. I am appalled at this attitude and these statements. I so disagree, strongly, strongly disagree. Prostitutes are beaten, raped, denied “payment for services”, and have no legal resources.

They are often kidnapped, held for many months, sold as sex slaves, and frequently murdered, and are especially a target of serial killers. These daughters, sisters, sons, brothers, grandchildren, mothers, and fathers often disappear without a trace. I could go on but why bother.

As others on the forum condone and encourage such behavior, the use of prostitutes as a public service. 🤮
 
Aneeda72 said:
How do you know his wife wants to stay married? For practicing Catholics, it can be very complicated. How do you know what their marriage vows were?

You are only hearing half the story. And no, no matter what the circumstances, means no.
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He said she would not give him a divorce because she was Catholic. Marriage vows in the Catholic ceremony haven't changed for thousands of years.

Of course I'm only hearing half the story, that's the way advice columns usually work whether someone is complaining about a co-worker, spouse, or boss. We give the person writing the benefit of the doubt and address their concerns.

Of course no means no. I wasn't suggesting he force her I was suggesting they see a priest.
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I thought Zone's advice was great. During my long ago, first marriage I didn't think I could do a thing to improve my situation because he wasn't interested in counseling or talking to me at all, but I've since learned that sometimes you can get people to treat you better by treating them better.
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Anyway. I've noticed LSWOTE seems more interested in arguing than paying any attention at all to the people who are sincerely trying to help him. He says he and his wife first gave up sex because they were "arguing all the time" and I'm seeing a pattern of behavior that explains a lot.;)
 
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Della said:
He said she would not give him a divorce because she was Catholic. Marriage vows in the Catholic ceremony haven't changed for thousands of years.

Of course I'm only hearing half the story, that's the way advice columns usually work whether someone is complaining about a co-worker, spouse, or boss. We give the person writing the benefit of the doubt and address their concerns.

Of course no means no. I wasn't suggesting he force her I was suggesting they see a priest.
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I thought Zone's advice was great. During my long ago, first marriage I didn't think I could do a thing to improve my situation because he wasn't interested in counseling or talking to me at all, but I've since learned that sometimes you can get people to treat you better by treating them better.
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Anyway. I've noticed LSWOTE seems more interested in arguing than paying any attention at all to the people who are sincerely trying to help him. He says he and his wife first gave up sex because they were "arguing all the time" and I'm seeing a pattern of behavior that explains a lot.;)
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Actually, the Catholic Church in the USA operates a bit differently than elsewhere. But you have always been able to live apart and stay married. But they were not married in the church by a priest as far as I know. Because he stated he does not believe in God, or something like that, and he is not Catholic.

Even if they were married in the church, an annulment is possible under the circumstances that he is not Catholic. A divorce is also possible even if they were both Catholic and married in the church, but without an annulment she could not remarry in the church. My first husband and I were divorced, and the Catholic Church issued an annulment.

When I remarried, I had to provide proof of the annulment to the priest before my second husband and I were married in the Church. 😂. Yup, just call me a slow learner. Never making this mistake again-I would never get married again. 😂. @Della
 

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