She...

CAKCy

CAKCy

Member
Location
Cyprus, East Mediterranean
It's too dark, my love. There's no moon and the clouds are hiding the stars. Land is hiding and the seawater is making my eyes sore.

Yet... I can hear your voice calling my name... Is it my mind torturing me to the very end? Is it one more wishful thought before I sink for the last time? Is insanity part of my being, now?

Is there a reason for me to keep struggling against the waves?

God... I'm so tired....
 

Warrigal said:
It's after 3.00 am. Go to bed, put on some soft music and concentrate on sleep. Things always look better in daylight.
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My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.
 

CAKCy said:
My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.
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I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.

I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychiatrist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.
 
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CAKCy said:
Could you clarify my "not being alone" and the "unseen companions"?
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Your wife. Your love. Anyone in the world you would like to talk and share your time with.
In your dreams and thoughts, you can be with whomever you wish to be with, you can travel anywhere, and do anything.
I understand it's not the same thing now as you wish for, but perhaps this can help you to get there, to where you wish to be.
 
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John cycling said:
Your wife. Anyone in the world you would like to talk and share your time with.
In your dreams and thoughts, you can be with whomever you wish to be with, you can travel anywhere, and do anything.
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I don't want to live in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot say "I love you" and hear it back in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot share a piece of classical music I enjoyed with someone in my dreams and thoughts.

To clear something out: When my wife left there was no love lost. It was more like like two people caring for each other and living in the same house. But there was no romance whatsoever.
 
Warrigal said:
I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.

I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychologist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.
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I'm not making excuses for anything. I sleep when I feel like sleeping.

I haven't attempted suicide... yet. I am contemplating it, yes. But it's a pure logical debate. Pure math. When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is more than the benefit of the process itself, it makes sense for the process to be terminated. Your husband had reasons to NOT attempt suicide. I don't.
 
Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.

I am ignoring that nonsense about maths.
I have a degree in mathematics and nowhere does it have any relevance here.
I do think you may have a BEx (Bachelor of Excuses).

Maybe you don't want a dog but you do need one.
You will have a live animal to feed and water, something to love that will love you back, a reason to venture out of the house, not to mention a chick magnet.
 
I know a little about despair. It has been my oldest companion for most of my life. Complex Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder can do that. Attempted suicide also when I dissociated. Yet, here I am. I am so grateful I survived. Why?

Because there is life and hope beyond pain. I reached out, people answered, not always in the ways I thought I needed most, but I was no longer trapped in the frozen hell of isolation. Healing is ongoing, but joy and peace are possible. One day at a time. I found medication helped until I could hold my head above water once again. 🙏🏻🤗
 
Life is a precious gift? Says who? The children of Aleppo? Or those of Nigeria?
I could tell you are a math person. Do you also play chess?
No comment on BEx... (though it was witty)

Please don't make me get a dog. It would kill me. Whenever my wife left for the States (monthly holiday) I was stressing for a month what would happen to Lucy if something happened to me. And... I don't want to worry of losing another "child" again... It would push me over the edge. And... I don't care about the "chick magnet" thing.... Whenever I walked Lucy my full attention was on her. Where she stepped. What she picked up from the ground. If her poop was OK. I didn't care about other dogs or their parents....
 
Shalimar said:
I know a little about despair. It has been my oldest companion for most of my life. Complex Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder can do that. Attempted suicide also when I dissociated. Yet, here I am. I am so grateful I survived. Why?

Because there is life and hope beyond pain. I reached out, people answered, not always in the ways I thought I needed most, but I was no longer trapped in the frozen hell of isolation. Healing is ongoing, but joy and peace are possible. One day at a time. I found medication helped until I could hold my head above water once again. 🙏🏻🤗
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I don't want to sound like the "bad guy"... Especially after that wonderful "welcoming party" you all threw for me. But there comes a point that going it alone makes no sense whatsoever. There's no joy in it. There's only endless pain and suffering.

I reached out myself. Numerous times. I registered on a lot of forums and dating sites. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. In one of the forums I found love. It was an earthquake. The perfect storm. She is 40. I'm 58. In a physical condition that didn't secure any future at all. She wants to live, have children, study. I couldn't offer any of those. It had to end. New depths of depression. New tears. And the road to the end continued. Alone again.

I registered to SF as a last effort, not to go insane... I don't have many hopes. But I haven't given up entirely. I don't know what's next...

Thank you for trying so hard to keep me afloat. I am so grateful that strangers are putting all this effort on my survival....
 
I too am an empath, with all the positives and negatives which come with that. Here‘s the thing, we have the capacity to touch souls in a way not given to many, because we can feel another’s emotions. Yes, we must guard against burn

out, but we can truly make a difference in people‘s lives, often just by listening or offering support. I have been privileged to do that more than once. That has given, and continues to provide me a reason to get up every morning

and face the dragons I keep in boxes, it provides, most of the time, an effective antidote to the Uber sensitivity which is the hallmark of all true empaths. Perhaps this might be a candle in the dark for you also. Death is not the only way out of the pit.
 
In a number of forums I would lose myself in trying to help other people, forgetting my situation. Their pain was becoming more important than mine.

I hear what you say, so loud and clear! Death may not be the only way out of the pit.....
 
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