She...

Warrigal said:
Good. My next suggestion was going to be a ferret.

By the way, how are you liking some human interaction thus far?

PS Listen to Shalimar. She knows what she is talking about.
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I LOVE the human interaction with the people of this community so far.
I don't want to say names because it wouldn't be fair to all the rest.
Shalimar........... no comment....
 

CAKCy said:
It's too dark, my love. There's no moon and the clouds are hiding the stars. Land is hiding and the seawater is making my eyes sore.

Yet... I can hear your voice calling my name... Is it my mind torturing me to the very end? Is it one more wishful thought before I sink for the last time? Is insanity part of my being, now?

Is there a reason for me to keep struggling against the waves?

God... I'm so tired....
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CAKCy, should we be worried about you????? Seriously.
 
CAKCy said:
I don't want to live in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot say "I love you" and hear it back in my dreams and thoughts. I cannot share a piece of classical music I enjoyed with someone in my dreams and thoughts.

To clear something out: When my wife left there was no love lost. It was more like like two people caring for each other and living in the same house. But there was no romance whatsoever.
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What do you mean by romance? There is no romance in my marriage, and my husband and I are in a very bad place right now. But if I threw up in the kitchen, he would clean it up.

If you mean sex, there was no sex at all, in your marriage, sex has very little to do, IMO, with the long run of marriage. It is the caring, sharing, and living together that matters. And that is the hard part. Saying “I love you” is often a false statement, meaningless statement-a lesson I have learned very many times.

This will sound harsh and is not meant to be. If you need to hear those words, “I love you”, a parrot can be taught to say them. But a parrot will not clean the toilet, a wife will, a friend will, a parrot won’t.

Do you consider yourself to be a needy person? Therapy would help that as well.
 
CAKCy said:
I'm not making excuses for anything. I sleep when I feel like sleeping.

I haven't attempted suicide... yet. I am contemplating it, yes. But it's a pure logical debate. Pure math. When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is more than the benefit of the process itself, it makes sense for the process to be terminated. Your husband had reasons to NOT attempt suicide. I don't.
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You obviously do have reasons to not attempt suicide, obvious because you have NOT attempted suicide.
 
CAKCy said:
My sleeping pattern has been severely disturbed. I don't have "sleeping patterns" (though I tried hard to normalize my sleep). So it's insomnia for a few days and then being lethargic for some. In general, I try to be up when there's "company" around. Being alone drives me into panic attacks.
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Do you live in a house or some sort of community, like an apartment?
 
Warrigal said:
Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.

I am ignoring that nonsense about maths.
I have a degree in mathematics and nowhere does it have any relevance here.
I do think you may have a BEx (Bachelor of Excuses).

Maybe you don't want a dog but you do need one.
You will have a live animal to feed and water, something to love that will love you back, a reason to venture out of the house, not to mention a chick magnet.
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I agree. Bachelor of Excuses, my husband has one of those.
 
Warrigal said:
I am currently in lockdown in Sydney. My sleeping patterns are also quite disturbed but I take naps in the day to compensate for wakeful hours in the night. Stop making excuses and start looking for answers.

I have lived with a man suffering from severe depression and panic attacks for ten years. He even attempted suicide. I know how stubborn and destructive the negative thought patterns can be. He was helped through this time by a patient local doctor, visits to a psychologist and some medication from a psychiatrist. Eventually the black dog was routed. Exercise is an essential therapy and so is understanding how to deal with negative thoughts. You are clearly having suicidal thoughts and I strongly recommend that you seek help.
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Excellent account of one who knows how it feels, has been through the fire and come out on the other side because he sought and got help. And excellent advice Warrigal.
CAKCy...please do the same. I know it's hard. I have two grandchildren who suffer from depression. Both had suicidal thoughts. Both were transferred to residential programs after a couple of days in the hospital....two different times for each. From going to group therapy sessions, my granddaughter realized how blessed she really is. But sometimes the depression comes back so she continues with therapy. My grandson is also in therapy and his recent acceptance of Islam seems to be helping his state of mind. There is no shame in seeking help.

Question..you mentioned "company". Who's the company and how often do they visit? Your original post in this thread is beautifully written albeit sad.
 
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Aneeda72 said:
What do you mean by romance? There is no romance in my marriage, and my husband and I are in a very bad place right now. But if I threw up in the kitchen, he would clean it up.

If you mean sex, there was no sex at all, in your marriage, sex has very little to do, IMO, with the long run of marriage. It is the caring, sharing, and living together that matters. And that is the hard part. Saying “I love you” is often a false statement, meaningless statement-a lesson I have learned very many times.

This will sound harsh and is not meant to be. If you need to hear those words, “I love you”, a parrot can be taught to say them. But a parrot will not clean the toilet, a wife will, a friend will, a parrot won’t.

Do you consider yourself to be a needy person? Therapy would help that as well.
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That's how it was between my wife and myself. Caring, sharing and living together. I envy the couples that hold hands or (why not) say "I love you" to each other and have sex (in any form physically possible) after decades of marriage.

Does that make me a needy person? If it does... so be it.
 
CAKCy said:
I live in a single bedroom apartment on my own. Last time I left the apartment was more than a month ago to go to the supermarket and the pharmacy. Now, I can't do even that.
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My son with DS has problems going on vacation unless it is with his group home. It is common for people with DS to become very attached to their homes and room mates.

Your mental illness is increasing at an alarming level, IMO. You might need inpatient treatment before it is too late. It can, of course, become too late. You said you are 58. Does you income come from work at home or SSI disability? You don’t have to answer, of course.

Since you live in an apartment you are NOT alone. The sounds of life are all around you. You are only alone in you mind. IMO.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Excellent account of one who knows how it feels, has been through the fire and come out on the other side because he sought and got help. And excellent advice Warrigal.
CAKCy...please do the same. I know it's hard. I have two grandchildren who suffer from depression. Both had suicidal thoughts. Both were transferred to residential programs after a couple of days in the hospital....two different times for each. From going to group therapy sessions, my granddaughter realized how blessed she really is. But sometimes the depression comes back so she continues with therapy. My grandson is also in therapy and his recent acceptance of Islam seems to be helping his state of mind. There is no shame in seeking help.

Question..you mentioned "company". Who's the company and how often do they visit? Your original post in this thread is beautifully written albeit sad.
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By "company" I meant people like you, all of you. I don't have people visiting irl. A couple of friends call to see if I'm still alive every few days. I have two brothers. Haven't talked to one of them for years. The other one went through his own mental problems and lately we started a sort of infrequent communication.

I have asked @Warrigal and I ask you the same question:

Do you want to justify to me why "going on living" is so important?
What would be the loss if I ... stopped living?
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Her answer was "Life is a precious gift. Don't throw it away.". What's the criterion for something to be a "precious gift"? Just because it's there, because it exists? People die every day in the thousands. Nobody, other than very few, knows them Nobody, other than very few, cares. Despite what @Warrigal says the logic is there: When the cost of a process (financial/mental/emotional/physical) is higher than the benefits of it, the process should be terminated. "Precious gift" or no "Precious gift".

I'm not ...not seeking help because of shame. I don't care too much about what others think of me. I don't do it because I don't see the reason to do it.

No comment about religion. Every person have their own support system and the right to have it.

Thank you for your kind words about my original post. I know I'm not a writer. I just like to let pressure escape every now and then...
 
Aneeda72 said:
Your mental illness is increasing at an alarming level, IMO. You might need inpatient treatment before it is too late. It can, of course, become too late.
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Actually IMO the clarity in me is increasing. I can now see the purpose and non-purpose of things. And I'm able to distinguish between what's precious and what is not. One has to remember that all that glitters is not gold.

You said you are 58. Does you income come from work at home or SSI disability? You don’t have to answer, of course.
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I don't have any income. I have some savings that theoretically could last for another 20 months. If my expiration doesn't come before that, I will deal with it then.

Since you live in an apartment you are NOT alone. The sounds of life are all around you. You are only alone in you mind. IMO.
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I could turn the radio on to hear the "sounds of life". Of course one can claim that I'm only alone in my mind. Who am I to tell one that one is wrong?
 
CAKCy said:
Actually IMO the clarity in me is increasing. I can now see the purpose and non-purpose of things. And I'm able to distinguish between what's precious and what is not. One has to remember that all that glitters is not gold.


I don't have any income. I have some savings that theoretically could last for another 20 months. If my expiration doesn't come before that, I will deal with it then.



I could turn the radio on to hear the "sounds of life". Of course one can claim that I'm only alone in my mind. Who am I to tell one that one is wrong?
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I am not talking about the clarity of your mind, I have no way to judge that and wouldn’t judge it in any event. I am not a doctor, but I have experience with mentally ill teenagers. You said you can not leave the apartment now but could leave a month ago. You have not mentioned being physically bed ridden. If you were, you would have aids in your house to care for you.

Agoraphobia-an anxiety disorder. A person with this mental disability may avoid leaving their home for days, months, or years. People with moderate to severe mental health issues qualify for social security disability and Medicare. Another reason for you to obtain therapy, a diagnosis, and HELP. Real help not a bunch of old folks (no insult meant to anyone) giving suggestions that you will not follow. But you enjoy the attention which we are willing to give.
 
CAKCy said:
I opened my eyes and said "good morning"...
Not even echo was kind enough to respond...
Where are you?
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There are plenty of talk shows that open with the words good morning or you can teach a parrot to say good morning
 

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