Striking back in relationships, (no not physically obviously)

grahamg

Well-known Member
Now, that's just childish.
As I've said already, BUT, (there's always a "but"), if you insist I'll repeat myself, it matters not to me whether it's childish or not, or whether anyone else thinks its childish, it doesn't matter if it is. If you're dealing with someone you've loved as well as you possibly could who is shunning you, and you know if you'd have let anyone else tell you how to behave as a parent you'd have been denying her and yourself the loving relationship she once needed, well I've nothing to apologise to anyone for I believe!
My father wished to hold my ex's behaviour against my daughter, even though as a child she was clearly innocent, however he clearly believed in "striking back", or at least not putting up with anyone treating him badly, (or in this case his son badly, he felt I was to be protected from those taking advantage of me, even holding it against the next generation!).
The funny thing is, in my view, those who do get on the front foot, and make it clear to anyone, "absolutely anyone" who might try to take advantage of them they won't stand for it, those people then don't try it on, or not so often anyway!
I hope you're following my logic, but if not, "no worries", (or " no worries mate/cobber" for any antipodean members! :) ).
 

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grahamg

Well-known Member
How old is your daughter now?
Well, I haven't had regular contact with her for twenty five years, and she was twelve when she stopped the contact, (saying I'd ruined he first twelve years of her life, so much so she was absolutely the top at her school and has gone on to become not just a doctor, or no, that's not enough achievement for my girl, she's a surgeon and head of a department in a very prestigious city centre hospital no less, so my goodness, how much she must have suffered as I answered the call to "Keep coming daddy"!), so thirty seven years old, happily married with kids etc., (anyone beat that in terms of achievement by their kids, whatever they might think of you or me :) ?).
 

SetWave

Well-known Member
Location
Monterey Bay
Don't know if I've seen anything about therapy. I highly recommend it if you are open. BUT . . . this is a broken record. Damn, man, let it go.
I realize it hurts and i'ts not easy. I and many other have been through hell in our lives. Many of us are able to keep moving forward and leave things be. Eyes front, buddy. Unless, of course, you like wallowing in a whoa-is-me hole of self pity. Am I being tough on you? Yes I am. Be glad I'm not barking.
Believe me I do care. BUT . . . I can only stand so much sniveling.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
Don't know if I've seen anything about therapy. I highly recommend it if you are open. BUT . . . this is a broken record. Damn, man, let it go.
I realize it hurts and i'ts not easy. I and many other have been through hell in our lives. Many of us are able to keep moving forward and leave things be. Eyes front, buddy. Unless, of course, you like wallowing in a whoa-is-me hole of self pity. Am I being tough on you? Yes I am. Be glad I'm not barking.
Believe me I do care. BUT . . . I can only stand so much sniveling.
Please yourself, you dont have to read my views (do you?).

This thread isn't about my needs but my suggestions as to appropriate actions as I see them, so there you go, and my boasts about my daughter are not sniveling in anyone's language are they, (but if it makes you feel better to think or say so carry on!).
 

Dana

Senior Member
Last word on this saga... I had no idea your daughter is now 37 years old, married with children!! I must have missed something way back because I thought you were talking about a 12 year old.

Well...that throws a different light on my perspective. You have to let go...that does not mean you "shun" her...just leave things be and structure your own life in a positive way. I mean this most sincerely...if you have not done this in the past, you need to see a therapist...you really do, however I think you will respond with an insulting comment. So be it. You are not in good shape "mate" so stop whingeing and do something about it. You stand a very good chance of never seeing your grandchildren, if you do not act now. Good luck.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
Last word on this saga... I had no idea your daughter is now 37 years old, married with children!! I must have missed something way back because I thought you were talking about a 12 year old.
Well...that throws a different light on my perspective. You have to let go...that does not mean you "shun" her...just leave things be and structure your own life in a positive way. I mean this most sincerely...if you have not done this in the past, you need to see a therapist...you really do, however I think you will respond with an insulting comment. So be it. You are not in good shape "mate" so stop whingeing and do something about it. You stand a very good chance of never seeing your grandchildren, if you do not act now. Good luck.
So be it indeed, I'm blessed with a surfeit of forum members telling me to move on, get therapy, don't shun anyone, and so on,..."NO DICE", (why you think I should listen to such "self opinionated people", oh that's why of course, to get my insult in as expected, " why be anything other than predictable hey"!).
One very useful thing is "even without a poll" I've gauged the mood of forum members across continents, (or the Western world at least), so my erstwhile sympathiser in seeking a decent deal for decent mums and dads, might be satisfied on that point. :)
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
Well, I haven't had regular contact with her for twenty five years, and she was twelve when she stopped the contact, (saying I'd ruined he first twelve years of her life, so much so she was absolutely the top at her school and has gone on to become not just a doctor, or no, that's not enough achievement for my girl, she's a surgeon and head of a department in a very prestigious city centre hospital no less, so my goodness, how much she must have suffered as I answered the call to "Keep coming daddy"!), so thirty seven years old, happily married with kids etc., (anyone beat that in terms of achievement by their kids, whatever they might think of you or me :) ?).

I can't figure out the parantheses...
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
I can't figure out the parantheses...
Okay, I'll assist you,..
Break,....she was absolutely the top at her school and has gone on to become not just a doctor, or no, that's not enough achievement for my girl, she's a surgeon and head of a department in a very prestigious city centre hospital no less, so my goodness, how much she must have suffered as I answered the call to "Keep coming daddy"!), so thirty seven years old, happily married with kids etc., (anyone beat that in terms of achievement by their kids, whatever they might think of you or me :) ?).
Take another look at the words in parentheses, " Keep coming daddy".
My daughter would say those exact words moments after telling me, "I hate you", and " You are horrible", (up to the age of twelve)!

She was seemingly unaware of the contradictions in her statements, (who would want someone they hate to keep coming, but the logic behind it in my view is she thereby got off her chest her frustrations etc., as kids do need to do very often, (look back to the comments on one of those placards about a parent hunting their child down and having failed if the children don't tell them they hate them), but at the same time I was important to her in those years, as I did all I could to show her love, and build her self esteem. :).

Five years on from the contact breaking down I read an article in a magazine, it featured the experiences of a few fathers, one whose wife had taken herself and the two children off to live with Will Carling, (the England rugby captain, whose first marriage to Lisa Carling failed when he reputedly had an affair with Princess Diana).

The fathers highlighted in the article said their children were telling them they hated them in exactly the same words my daughter used, "exactly the same", i. e. condemning them without equivocation.
The lack of any equivocation in the children's condemnation of their father/parent is an aspect or characteristic feature it is reported, and mentioned in the magazine article.

At the end of the article there were contact telephone numbers listed, and I discovered by calling Tony Coe of the Equal Parenting Party/Council that a demonstration was being held outside the home of a top family court judge who lived in a village near to me, so I joined about twenty people protesting peacefully. I was interviewed on local radio before the action started outside the judges home, and then the BBC West tv crew present interviewed me briefly outside the house, and a very short clip of my telling the reporter how my child spoke to me was used in the news clip shown on local television that evening, (I still have the video of the demonstration/protest, and the sympathetic tv coverage).

This event started my involvement in fathers rights protests, though I chose not to break the law whilst trying to change the law, but I marched with and supported the fathers and fathers groups who took non violent direct actions or protests as you will remember going on, culminating in purple flour being thrown in parliament at our prime minister, and the man dressed as Batman getting on to the ledge near to the Buckingham Palace balcony.
 
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AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
Okay, I'll assist you,..

Take another look at the words in parentheses, " Keep coming daddy".
My daughter would say those exact words moments after telling me, "I hate you", and " You are horrible", (up to the age of twelve)!

She was seemingly unaware of the contradictions in her statements, (who would want someone they hate to keep coming, but the logic behind it in my view is she thereby got off her chest her frustrations etc., as kids do need to do very often, (look back to the comments on one of those placards about a parent hunting their child down and having failed if the children don't tell them they hate them), but at the same time I was important to her in those years, as I did all I could to show her love, and build her self esteem. :).

Five years on from the contact breaking down I read an article in a magazine, it featured the experiences of a few fathers, one whose wife had taken herself and the two children off to live with Will Carling, (the England rugby captain, whose first marriage to Lisa Carling failed when he reputedly had an affair with Princess Diana).

The fathers highlighted in the article said their children were telling them they hated them in exactly the same words my daughter used, "exactly the same", i. e. condemning them without equivocation.
The lack of any equivocation in the children's condemnation of their father/parent is an aspect or characteristic feature it is reported, and mentioned in the magazine article.

At the end of the article there were contact telephone numbers listed, and I discovered by calling Tony Coe of the Equal Parenting Party/Council that a demonstration was being held outside the home of a top family court judge who lived in a village near to me, so I joined about twenty people protesting peacefully. I was interviewed on local radio before the action started outside the judges home, and then the BBC West tv crew present interviewed me briefly outside the house, and a very short clip of my telling the reporter how my child spoke to me was used in the news clip shown on local television that evening, (I still have the video of the demonstration/protest, and the sympathetic tv coverage).

This event started my involvement in fathers rights protests, though I chose not to break the law whilst trying to change the law, but I marched with and supported the fathers and fathers groups who took non violent direct actions or protests as you will remember going on, culminating in purple flour being thrown in parliament at our prime minister, and the man dressed as Batman getting on to the ledge near to the Buckingham Palace balcony.

You gave a TV interview about private matters involving your estranged daughter when she was seventeenish? Please tell me no...
 
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grahamg

Well-known Member
You gave a TV interview about private matters involving your estranged daughter when she was seventeenish? Please tell me no...
No, all anonymised, no connection with my daughter in any event because she lived in a different area of the country, and I wasn't identified, I just helped the BBC West news programme explain why fathers/parents were protesting, so I'm afraid its a case of "NO FIRE HERE", (but just look how quickly someone else has jumped to the wrong conclusion!). :)
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
You're surprised Annie? Why?
I'm not surprised at the lack of understanding shown by so many, not concerning myself, or my daughter but the lack of concern shown towards what I've been told is 70% of fathers losing contact with their children, (and all this within two years of being separated from the mothers they say!). :(
 

AnnieA

Senior Member
Location
Down South
I'm not surprised at the lack of understanding shown by so many, not concerning myself, or my daughter but the lack of concern shown towards what I've been told is 70% of fathers losing contact with their children, (and all this within two years of being separated from the mothers they say!). :(

That's a suspiciously high stat even if it includes deadbeat dads.

Regardless, it's a deflection from your disturbing OP.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
Grahamg wrote: "I'm not surprised at the lack of understanding shown by so many, not concerning myself, or my daughter but the lack of concern shown towards what I've been told is 70% of fathers losing contact with their children, (and all this within two years of being separated from the mothers they say!)." :(
That's a suspiciously high stat even if it includes deadbeat dads.
Regardless, it's a deflection from your disturbing OP.
Is it, lets see, (I think the last line covers assisting other dads/parents doesn't it?):

"An odd thread title for a relationship thread, BUT, (there's always a but! :) ), if your experience in whatever relationship it might be, is one of being ignored or shunned, and as far as I'm aware being treated in that way denies you the interaction all human beings need, ("No man is an island" I was told at school, and all that stuff, was it said by John Dunne?), then we're being denied life aren't we(?).

We're now in an age where we can spout our views to folks across the world with ease, (as we've been able to do for maybe twenty years or so), and yet at the same time so many seem to have difficulties in interpersonal relationships, maybe more so than in previous generations, so what if anything may be done about it we might agree upon?

Here is my idea, for those of you totally shunned in circumstances where you feel you couldn't have done much differently in the past, leading to your becoming shunned and estranged, my idea is to find a way to "strike back"!!!!!

You don't think you wish to strike back against someone you love, (or should live, like maybe your own child), but if all trying to behave as though you'll always be there for them gets you disrespect, being shunned more completely, what then can you do, carry on failing as you have for over twenty years, or try something else?

Folks here on the forum don't seem to agree with the idea of calling for respecting elders, and giving legal rights to decent parents sometimes beyond the child's interests, so that ideas out as a way of "striking back", so what's left?

All I can think of is returning the negative behaviour shown towards you to your own child, so that in that way they get some idea what being shunned feels like, (should you live long enough for the opportunity to shun them appear, when they condescendingly allow you a modicum of attention).

Sorry, that's the best I can come up with, strike back at those denying your humanity, and try to assist others similarly shunned. :(
 

Knight

Senior Member
From your post # 73

Quote
"All I can think of is returning the negative behaviour shown towards you to your own child, so that in that way they get some idea what being shunned feels like, (should you live long enough for the opportunity to shun them appear, when they condescendingly allow you a modicum of attention)."

Obviously this has been going on for a long time. Once you learn to dismiss what you can't control your life becomes easier. Striking Back does what? Might make you feel like you have accomplished something but the reality is, you accomplish nothing. You still have no control.
 


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