The "Alone" Club

Teacher Terry said:
Marci, join a meetup group or a book club or anything else where you will meet people.
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You will note that all the people telling you to join a meetup group or a book club or telling you to go up to a table full of strangers and ask to join the table, cannot report on any success they've had meeting new friends this way. Senior citizens are experts at telling others what to do when they have no expertise or experience in what they're talking about.
 

Tabby Ann said:
You will note that all the people telling you to join a meetup group or a book club or telling you to go up to a table full of strangers and ask to join the table, cannot report on any success they've had meeting new friends this way. Senior citizens are experts at telling others what to do when they have no expertise or experience in what they're talking about.
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I probably won't do these things cuz I don't really like going out. They're trying to be helpful which is nice.
 
Tabby Ann said:
You will note that all the people telling you to join a meetup group or a book club or telling you to go up to a table full of strangers and ask to join the table, cannot report on any success they've had meeting new friends this way. Senior citizens are experts at telling others what to do when they have no expertise or experience in what they're talking about.
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If you bothered to read a previous post I made you would see that’s exactly how I have met people by joining meetup groups. When my dad became very ill my mom realized she didn’t have any friends. She joined some groups and started playing bingo by herself and made friends there to do other activities with.

Not all people 80 and older have mobility issues. These people are perfectly capable of joining groups and joining activities to meet others. I have 5 friends that fall into this category.
 
Tabby Ann said:
You will note that all the people telling you to join a meetup group or a book club or telling you to go up to a table full of strangers and ask to join the table, cannot report on any success they've had meeting new friends this way. Senior citizens are experts at telling others what to do when they have no expertise or experience in what they're talking about.
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When I was new in college I went over to a table of talkative students, sat down, introduced myself. The table went quiet for a while. Slowly they started talking to one another again and completely ignored me. Weird. People can be so mean. I finished my meal and took off. What a relief to get away.

The good news is that I found other ways to meet people. In class, usually. Actually, after class, when everyone is walking out, you could start a conversation. I met my second real girlfriend this way.

I met my first girlfriend at a college party. So there are fairly painless ways to meet people.

Nobody has parties anymore, that I know of, but I attend social groups and pickleball, so I have lots of people to talk to.

I don't know if it's because I am older, my hair is thinning, or what, but it seems like there is never an easy way to ask a woman out, where you both feel comfortable, and you know she is going to say yes.

Just gotta keep chugging along, I guess, looking for my unicorn, lol.
 
I need to exercise and do housework daily. I have an online hobby of sorts. Once or twice a week I go out to do errands; it takes a lot out of me.

I went to a great deal of trouble to organize a Spanish conversation group. For a few months, 3 of us met in a coffee shop, then one of them went out of town for the summer. The other one talks my ear off in English. It isn't worth it if we don't even speak Spanish.

So I canceled indefinitely. When the other person comes back, I might want to start again, if we can all agree to speak Spanish. Still, the fact remains that leaving the house takes a lot out of me.

I'd love to travel. I'd love to have a honey. I believe that either of those would energize me, but neither is happening.

I'm trying to come to terms with the idea of just exercise, housework, and errands, and having an online life. Until I can't even do those any more.
 
NorthernLight said:
I need to exercise and do housework daily. I have an online hobby of sorts. Once or twice a week I go out to do errands; it takes a lot out of me.

I went to a great deal of trouble to organize a Spanish conversation group. For a few months, 3 of us met in a coffee shop, then one of them went out of town for the summer. The other one talks my ear off in English. It isn't worth it if we don't even speak Spanish.

So I canceled indefinitely. When the other person comes back, I might want to start again, if we can all agree to speak Spanish. Still, the fact remains that leaving the house takes a lot out of me.

I'd love to travel. I'd love to have a honey. I believe that either of those would energize me, but neither is happening.

I'm trying to come to terms with the idea of just exercise, housework, and errands, and having an online life. Until I can't even do those any more.
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NorthernLight,

Hola! Como esta? Estoy bien, gracias.

I applaud you for starting that group. You are taking the initiative to make your life what you want it to be. Not everyone does that.

About your last two paragraphs. Is this realistic? Are you accepting less than you want?

You want a honey. That might happen, you never know. I want a honey too. It is taking me forever to find her. And I worry about 'settling' for the wrong one. It's so hard.

My good news is that I have found a pickleball group that plays 3 times a week and is only 1 mile away. At first I was there only to find a girl friend, but now I think I'll just go to socialize and maybe, just maybe, find a friend to hang with outside the gym, maybe not even a honey, just a friend, male or female.
 
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RandomName said:
NorthernLight,

Hola! Como esta? Estoy bien, gracias.

I applaud you for starting that group. You are taking the initiative to make your life what you want it to be. Not everyone does that.

About your last two paragraphs. Is this realistic? Are you accepting less than you want?

You want a honey. That might happen, you never know. I want a honey too. It is taking me forever to find her. And I worry about 'settling' for the wrong one. It's so hard.

My good news is that I have found a pickleball group that plays 3 times a week and is only 1 mile away. At first I was there only to find a girl friend, but now I think I'll just go to socialize and maybe, just maybe, find a friend to hang with outside the gym, maybe not even a honey, just a friend, male or female.
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Thank you for your encouraging words. Yes, I've basically given up.

I carefully researched countries I could afford (barely) and would be allowed to stay in for more than 3 months (hopefully). I had a ticket to Paraguay, but that was canceled by Covid. I could go on and on about Tried that and it didn't work, Can't afford it, and Tired of beating my head against the wall.

I still have a glimmer of After I save a bit more money, When this Covid thing is over, etc. But then I circle back to Tired of beating my head against the wall.

The activities in this town range from hunting to knitting, with nothing in between. (Toastmasters and even Al-Anon were canceled by Covid.) The library book club is a cook book club. The gym is unaffordable, even with a senior discount. I can't afford to live anywhere else in Canada; that's why I moved here. If I move to another country I'll lose half of my pension.

I've thought about my many relationship failures, and I really don't see much hope of ever doing better. I can't even have sex any more.

Sorry to rant. I am trying to deny my needs and my nature and adjust to my situation.

As I have mentioned, I get some satisfaction from hosting an online game. I get gratitude and compliments, and I enjoy the hours of preparation. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
 
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I enjoy being alone, and although I'm an introvert, I do love being with people. The winter is hardest for me, with the long dark nights and short days. But I have a lot of hobbies to keep me occupied, and I think so long as there is some sort of contact with people - be it in real life or online, its manageable. (y)
 
NorthernLight said:
Thank you for your encouraging words. Yes, I've basically given up.

I carefully researched countries I could afford (barely) and would be allowed to stay in for more than 3 months (hopefully). I had a ticket to Paraguay, but that was canceled by Covid. I could go on and on about Tried that and it didn't work, Can't afford it, and Tired of beating my head against the wall.

I still have a glimmer of After I save a bit more money, When this Covid thing is over, etc. But then I circle back to Tired of beating my head against the wall.

The activities in this town range from hunting to knitting, with nothing in between. (Toastmasters and even Al-Anon were canceled by Covid.) The library book club is a cook book club. The gym is unaffordable, even with a senior discount. I can't afford to live anywhere else in Canada; that's why I moved here. If I move to another country I'll lose half of my pension.

I've thought about my many relationship failures, and I really don't see much hope of ever doing better. I can't even have sex any more.

Sorry to rant. I am trying to deny my needs and my nature and adjust to my situation.

As I have mentioned, I get some satisfaction from hosting an online game. I get gratitude and compliments, and I enjoy the hours of preparation. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
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Hi NorthernLights,

You say you are denying your needs and your nature and adjusting to your situation. Wow. I hope you don't really have to resort to that. Gotta be some way.

I see you are doing stuff that matters to you, like the online game, that gives you emotional satisfaction. Good for you. You are not denying yourself that area of your life, just other areas ?

What is your goal (if any) with traveling? Just to have a vacation? To meet people?

Relationship failures. Me too. I am currently pursuing (fearfully) a few 'friendships' with some women I have recently met. I know there will be 'problems' but that's just how it goes. I am hoping the fun outweighs the negatives. Sounds corny but I want to be in love. I'm not ashamed of it or proud of it, but I have accepted it as something I want, and am taking steps to get it.

Many of the alanon and similar groups here are back to operating in person. Have you checked? I used to go to alanon and similar groups for their discussions which were very helpful for me. I currently have a generic 'get together and talk about anything' group I go to once a week for a few hours, which is at a senior center.

Hasta.
 
Thank you, @RandomName . My goal in traveling would be to have interesting input. I need stimulation.

I can't afford to maintain a residence and travel at the same time. Therefore, I'd have to settle in another country or just keep traveling. And as I mentioned, I'd lose half my pension, so money would be very tight.

When I looked at online dating profiles, several men said they wanted to "fall in love again." That surprised me. I didn't approach those individuals -- too much pressure! Based on past experience, I'm afraid they'd find me unlovable.

For me, just finding someone who LIKES me would be huge. Most wanted a replica of someone from their past, or they accused me of things I wouldn't dream of doing.
 
NorthernLight said:
Thank you, @RandomName . My goal in traveling would be to have interesting input. I need stimulation.

I can't afford to maintain a residence and travel at the same time. Therefore, I'd have to settle in another country or just keep traveling. And as I mentioned, I'd lose half my pension, so money would be very tight.

When I looked at online dating profiles, several men said they wanted to "fall in love again." That surprised me. I didn't approach those individuals -- too much pressure! Based on past experience, I'm afraid they'd find me unlovable.

For me, just finding someone who LIKES me would be huge. Most wanted a replica of someone from their past, or they accused me of things I wouldn't dream of doing.
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You are not giving yourself enough credit.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I’ve learned from your posts, that you are a very caring, respectful, and have a lot of love for that special someone, whether it be friendship or something more.
Don’t give up.💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐😊.
 
RandomName said:
Hi NorthernLights,

You say you are denying your needs and your nature and adjusting to your situation. Wow. I hope you don't really have to resort to that. Gotta be some way.

....

Many of the alanon and similar groups here are back to operating in person. Have you checked?
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Hi again. I didn't respond to these sections of your post earlier. I needed to think about them.

I think I just feel disheartened. A little over a year ago, I went on a cross-country adventure, sleeping in my car or not sleeping, etc. So I believe I still have plenty of spit left.

But in my current situation, trying to having any kind of fun or human contact has been a battle. Everything has been canceled or seems unsatisfying or too much trouble. Even if they've started up again, I feel kind of turned off them. I even quit the group that I had initiated myself.

So I withdraw to exercise, housework, and various petty concerns. The exercises I used to enjoy have become boring.

After reading a few threads on here, I feel somewhat inspired to aspire to adventure, even if it's somewhere in the future. Or even if it never happens.

I'd been waiting for months for my income tax assessment, to use as proof of poverty so I can get a free pool pass. I finally called the government. They had messed up, but said they'd send me a new copy right away. So I can try to get in better shape and able to travel someday. Maybe.

Having this dream will also help me stop overeating. I've been going for the instant gratification, but traveling will be difficult if I'm very overweight.

So for me, I guess I need a medium-long-term goal.
 
Lavinia said:
I'm alone now and quite happy to converse with others in the same situation. However, I enjoy being alone so you won't get any whingeing from me. I am now able to spend time on the things I enjoy without having to explain myself to anyone. I can watch the afternoon movie and not have to get up before it's finished, because I have to make a meal. I can sit there until it's ended and then get something to eat. I can re-arrange my furniture as often as I wish.
In other words, living with other people causes a lot of hassle. Being alone gives you freedom to please yourself.
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That's certainly one way to look at it, and good for you! Not my cup of tea, though.
 
NorthernLight said:
Hi again. I didn't respond to these sections of your post earlier. I needed to think about them.

I think I just feel disheartened. A little over a year ago, I went on a cross-country adventure, sleeping in my car or not sleeping, etc. So I believe I still have plenty of spit left.

But in my current situation, trying to having any kind of fun or human contact has been a battle. Everything has been canceled or seems unsatisfying or too much trouble. Even if they've started up again, I feel kind of turned off them. I even quit the group that I had initiated myself.

So I withdraw to exercise, housework, and various petty concerns. The exercises I used to enjoy have become boring.

After reading a few threads on here, I feel somewhat inspired to aspire to adventure, even if it's somewhere in the future. Or even if it never happens.

I'd been waiting for months for my income tax assessment, to use as proof of poverty so I can get a free pool pass. I finally called the government. They had messed up, but said they'd send me a new copy right away. So I can try to get in better shape and able to travel someday. Maybe.

Having this dream will also help me stop overeating. I've been going for the instant gratification, but traveling will be difficult if I'm very overweight.

So for me, I guess I need a medium-long-term goal.
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OK, NorthernLight, how about I assign you a goal of going to that pool and losing 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Ha Ha.

Actually, you sound like you are just in a funk. When I am in a funk, I go to my social groups (actually I keep going just to stay out of a funk). And I think that's why most people go to those groups.

House work and anything that you can actually see the results of is good for your mood, I think. For me it is decluttering my house. My girl friend left tons of clutter behind when she died, and I have an endless supply of clutter to remove whenever I get the urge. The high I get from that lasts about a day.

I hear you, about the 'battle' for human contact. I get plenty of human contact, which I enjoy, from my pickleball and other groups, but my battle I am struggling with is the girlfriend thing.
So hard. But I keep looking. Heck, at this point, I'll be scared if I find someone who clicks with me, lol.

I actually pray about finding the right girl friend. Helps me feel better about it. Don't know if you are into praying, but I am, in moderation.

I would suggest doing at least ONE goal-type, accomplishment-type thing per day, and then you will know that the next day holds another goal-type thing you can accomplish. That's what I do, anyway. I actually keep a list of things to do.

A goal of losing weight so you can travel? Saving money for travel? Travel is something you like, and can look forward to. You know you like, so go for it. That can be the dream and goal you want, for whenever you want it, or not, no pressure.

And maybe go to one of those things that you say no longer appeal to you. Would it be good just to do it to get out of the house, at least? It would make you feel better, I think, NL.
 
Thank you, @RandomName . "Getting out of the house" takes a lot out of me, so it has to be really worth it.

I've always been a here-and-now kind of person. I left my parents' house at 16 and have been wandering ever since. But nowadays I seem to need another way of dealing with life.

I feel conflicted all the time. I'm bored, so I overeat, because why not? I'm torn between wanting to save money (e.g., for travel) and wanting to spend it (e.g., on household items). I have trouble making decisions because I don't know what my priorities are.

I am quite disciplined and organized, and I accomplish something every day. But, aside from a couple of online activities, I ask myself, "For what?" I feel like I'm my own servant. I don't get much personal satisfaction from housework. Yes, some, but not enough.

So I think making a decision about the future will help. If I'm going to travel -- say, in 2 years -- then I know I have to save money and look after my health.

This month I have to winterize my car. By then, I will have received the document that will get me the pool pass. I'll be able to swim once or twice a week. I already exercise daily at home.

But I will accept your weight loss challenge. Maybe not 5 pounds in 2 weeks, but at least a downward trend. Thank you.

My language partner commented that many people are feeling a bit lost these days, and that we need to hang on to some hope. I wish you all the best with your dreams!
 
From what I've seen, a lot of us older people are lonely and sometimes feel we have no particular purpose in life. My
sympathies to those here in that boat.

BTDT, still do sometimes. I'm an introvert in a very rural area, so my dogs and toys are my main companions. I like friendly
people with shared interests, but I've never been good at seeking them out. In winter I socialize by skiing at a local hill,
know several guys who go there regularly, but beyond that we don't have much in common or they live two hours away.
A couple friends have died.

I'm not one to approach women, have always waited for them to show interest rather than risking rejection, plus I simply suck at
making small talk. So I sleep alone and don't get hugs and tenderness.

I focus on taking care of my health and dogs, enjoying nice weather outdoors hiking, riding my motorcycles and my new ORV.
Forums help, but those relationships are anonymous and without some sort of personal interaction, they're mostly shallow. I do
have one guy I consider a good friend even though he's 40 years younger than me, lives 1500 miles away and we've never met face
to face. We've spent a fair amount of time on the phone and texting and he's been more supportive than anyone I know locally.
We're on similar wavelengths, and I've also given him support when he needed it badly (two broken romances, career change). We
"met" on a common interest forum, started back channel communication (Private Message system, does this forum have one?) and have been hanging out together for more than five years, have seen each other through some life changes.
 
rhett48 said:
From what I've seen, a lot of us older people are lonely and sometimes feel we have no particular purpose in life. My
sympathies to those here in that boat.

BTDT, still do sometimes. I'm an introvert in a very rural area, so my dogs and toys are my main companions. I like friendly
people with shared interests, but I've never been good at seeking them out. In winter I socialize by skiing at a local hill,
know several guys who go there regularly, but beyond that we don't have much in common or they live two hours away.
A couple friends have died.

I'm not one to approach women, have always waited for them to show interest rather than risking rejection, plus I simply suck at
making small talk. So I sleep alone and don't get hugs and tenderness.

I focus on taking care of my health and dogs, enjoying nice weather outdoors hiking, riding my motorcycles and my new ORV.
Forums help, but those relationships are anonymous and without some sort of personal interaction, they're mostly shallow. I do
have one guy I consider a good friend even though he's 40 years younger than me, lives 1500 miles away and we've never met face
to face. We've spent a fair amount of time on the phone and texting and he's been more supportive than anyone I know locally.
We're on similar wavelengths, and I've also given him support when he needed it badly (two broken romances, career change). We
"met" on a common interest forum, started back channel communication (Private Message system, does this forum have one?) and have been hanging out together for more than five years, have seen each other through some life changes.
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That’s so wonderful….happy you have each other, for friendship, support, and meaningful contact.
 

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