The "Alone" Club

RandomName said:
NorthernLight,

I am sort of in the same boat, but am male. I like cats, too, but I don't want to get another one, since they just die on you, eventually.

My girl friend died 5 years ago, and I am finally getting serious about finding someone new.

It is SO HARD. I meet women and have to decide if they are right for me. If I ask them out and they say yes, there's a good chance I'll just stick with them forever even if I know it's not the perfect match. So it's a big deal deciding whether to ask her out.

Anyway, I met a nice woman at a social event I go to once a week. I asked if she wanted to go out sometime for an ice cream cone or something, and she said yes, but only as friends.

I have seen her a few more times since then and haven't decided if I want to just be friends.

Still looking elsewhere. Pickleball, concerts, walking around the neighborhood.

I have this idea that meeting the right woman will make my life perfect. I know it is nonsense, but I still think that. Well, I know it would make me a lot less lonely, lol.

When I get depressed, I declutter my house, so it can look good whenever I have a woman over.

As a man, I know I'm not supposed to be 'weak', and post this stuff, but I just wanted to share my situation with you, since I think we are a lot alike in some ways.
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You are NOT weak posting how you feel, you are a breath of fresh air in doing so.
 

RandomName said:
As a man, I know I'm not supposed to be 'weak', and post this stuff, but I just wanted to share my situation with you, since I think we are a lot alike in some ways.
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You have an advantage over most men since you can relate to a woman’s situation and discuss your own in intelligent terms. Rushing into a permanent relationship due to loneliness is bad though but it sounds like you are on the right cautious path.
 
Tabby Ann said:
After working for a lifetime to improve my surroundings, I too have recently felt a lack of motivation to do anything beyond the bare necessities to support my house. I pondered this situation and was looking for some reward that might motivate me and none was found. You verbalized my situation very well when you said it’s hard to feel motivated when there seems to be no payoff.
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Me too!
 
I am currently in a situation where I am walking a very lonely path. I'm not really so much bothered by it but sometimes it would be nice to have coffee and chat with someone for a bit once in a while. Since that's not likely to happen I will just pull up my coffee mug in whatever chat site or forum I can find to visit. Some of you here are super nice company to have.
 
MarciKS said:
I am currently in a situation where I am walking a very lonely path. I'm not really so much bothered by it but sometimes it would be nice to have coffee and chat with someone for a bit once in a while. Since that's not likely to happen I will just pull up my coffee mug in whatever chat site or forum I can find to visit. Some of you here are super nice company to have.
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Don't rule out meeting people, if there is a crowd, ask if you might join a table, it may not go any further but at the least you have had a good outing, met some people. We have to start somewhere! My Mom met a lady when I was expelled from school for being absent (I was busy laying on the roof to get a tan) anyway they became friends for 30 years. I took my Mom to her funeral.
 
Blessed said:
Don't rule out meeting people, if there is a crowd, ask if you might join a table, it may not go any further but at the least you have had a good outing, met some people. We have to start somewhere! My Mom met a lady when I was expelled from school for being absent (I was busy laying on the roof to get a tan) anyway they became friends for 30 years. I took my Mom to her funeral.
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I'm not really the type to go up to a table and invite myself to sit down. I'm too aloof for that. Especially in this town with the strangeness of people here. I would never be comfy.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Marci, join a meetup group or a book club or anything else where you will meet people.
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We don't have meet up in my area. I don't know how to explain this...I've become an extreme introvert. I can only tolerate people for just so long in a day and then my alone time is mine to recover. If that makes sense. I'm not so much alone as just little bouts of lonliness here and there. Most folks aren't gonna want a part time friend and part time recluse. 😁
 
You may be surprised that others think like you. Having interactions in small bites, a few hours here and there.

Where I currently live, it's very family driven and I have been ostracized by church ladies (maybe the worst at this) due to not having family here. Everyone seems to know each other for generations and that's not my situation.
 
MarciKS said:
We don't have meet up in my area. I don't know how to explain this...I've become an extreme introvert. I can only tolerate people for just so long in a day and then my alone time is mine to recover. If that makes sense. I'm not so much alone as just little bouts of lonliness here and there. Most folks aren't gonna want a part time friend and part time recluse. 😁
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That's not true, except if you're not honest about it. Be open about yourself. I'll meet you once a month, how's that? If you feel like cancelling, even at the last moment, just let me know. I'll understand.
 
Marci, I am so much like you it is crazy....have been very much
introvered all my life, and more so now, got rid of car 3 or 4
yrs ago, so don't go out except to doc's office, have groc/pharm delivered...and I'm okay with it to a point, then I wish I had some company (occaisionly)....but have hard time if someoone does come by, I'm ready for them to leave rather soon...that I think is issue with the new friend I made recently....
ah well, this too will all come to an end someday....take care...;)
 
MarciKS said:
I can only tolerate people for just so long in a day
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I think many, if not most, people are the same way.

I love when people come by, but I also love when they leave. If the visit is more than 3-4 hours, they may be in danger of me ushering them to the door.

Most people would welcome short, or as you say "part-time", friends and visits to catch up, if not at home, then a coffee shop is a good way to meet someone just for idle talk. You never know when that will turn into a real friendship.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Marci, join a meetup group or a book club or anything else where you will meet people.
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Most of the meetup groups (and other groups as well, church groups, etc.) around here are still just meeting online or been cancelled due to Covid (and even before Covid, the groups were getting scarcer and scarcer). And as was mentioned above, this is also an area very big on family, family, family: in fact when I first moved here years ago, the only social group for women at all was the Grandmother's Club.

So the suggestion to go up to a group already gathered and ask if you can join wouldn't work around here: no matter where you go, you never see groups like that anymore; it's people running in and out picking up orders to go. It's not just Covid causing that either: a social activities director who worked at a seniors independent living place here in town told me about 10 years before Covid that she was having trouble getting the perfectly healthy, able-to-get-out-and-about seniors to do anything social, that one senior lady told her, "Oh, you know, I don't even care about socializing anymore; I can do all that on Facebook."
 
officerripley said:
Most of the meetup groups (and other groups as well, church groups, etc.) around here are still just meeting online or been cancelled due to Covid (and even before Covid, the groups were getting scarcer and scarcer). And as was mentioned above, this is also an area very big on family, family, family: in fact when I first moved here years ago, the only social group for women at all was the Grandmother's Club.

So the suggestion to go up to a group already gathered and ask if you can join wouldn't work around here: no matter where you go, you never see groups like that anymore; it's people running in and out picking up orders to go. It's not just Covid causing that either: a social activities director who worked at a seniors independent living place here in town told me about 10 years before Covid that she was having trouble getting the perfectly healthy, able-to-get-out-and-about seniors to do anything social, that one senior lady told her, "Oh, you know, I don't even care about socializing anymore; I can do all that on Facebook."
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When women were asking me to hang out with them 5 years ago (my girl friend died and her friends were after me, lol) I was very standoffish. I told them I just wanted to see them when we met randomly at outdoor events, which we have a lot of where I live.

It must have seemed pretty stuck up of me to be playing so hard to get. Or something like that. Self-preservation is more like it? I wasn't lonely back then , just really sad for a long time.

I have no real friends, male or female. I used to, but they have died off, or we have drifted away from each other. I met them in college, or at work, and now that I am retired, it just seems impossible to meet anyone to be a good friend. I meet lots of people at my social outings, but I am just not clicking with anyone, for some reason.

Now that I am lonelier now than ever, I am getting the same treatment from women I want to hang out with. They seem to string me along with excuses. I did get one older lady to go to a movie, and another older lady who went to a movie with me, but took her son along.

I asked a younger woman if she wanted to go out sometime, and she said 'sure' but only as friends. Now I am struggling with whether or not to pursue it. Mainly because even if it does turn physical, which would be my secret plan, ha ha. I am worried about not liking her or she not liking me after a few months.

Just cowardice, I guess. But also realistic thinking.

But I am so lonely for female companionship I just may have to take the risk. I like her because I have been around her at a weekly social event we both go to. She seemed like a very down to earth and kind woman, which I like. I joined this social group, which is just a cheap lunch for everyone, all seniors, in a big cafeteria once a week, because I was so lonely, even just for anyone, male or female, to talk to. Loneliness drove me to it. And I used to be a total introvert, still am, probably.

Thanks for listening to my psychobabble.

Best wishes to everyone in finding whatever you want along these lines. Especially if you, like me, don't even know what you want, ha ha.
 
officerripley said:
Most of the meetup groups (and other groups as well, church groups, etc.) around here are still just meeting online or been cancelled due to Covid (and even before Covid, the groups were getting scarcer and scarcer). And as was mentioned above, this is also an area very big on family, family, family: in fact when I first moved here years ago, the only social group for women at all was the Grandmother's Club.

So the suggestion to go up to a group already gathered and ask if you can join wouldn't work around here: no matter where you go, you never see groups like that anymore; it's people running in and out picking up orders to go. It's not just Covid causing that either: a social activities director who worked at a seniors independent living place here in town told me about 10 years before Covid that she was having trouble getting the perfectly healthy, able-to-get-out-and-about seniors to do anything social, that one senior lady told her, "Oh, you know, I don't even care about socializing anymore; I can do all that on Facebook."
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hmm...i wonder if they have that on facebook? since they have video groups you can make in messenger with friends. i may have a looksie later.
 
Pepper said:
That's not true, except if you're not honest about it. Be open about yourself. I'll meet you once a month, how's that? If you feel like cancelling, even at the last moment, just let me know. I'll understand.
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i appreciate that. most people around here where i live are kinda creepy and they work a lot so they don't seem to appear to have time to bother with others much. i don't know what retirement will bring.
 
Another thing I just noticed about Meetup groups: here in our area a bunch of the groups aren't really people who just want to get together and socialize about/engage in activities; instead, if you really take a look, here's an example, name of group "Getting Over a Divorce or Breakup", sounds like that could be good and helpful, right? Be around some people who know what you're going through, right? Welp, you read down to the bottom and it says "This group is created by the Dianetics & Scientology life improvement center in [this town]." And a bunch of them are like that, you read far enough in the description and it'll say stuff like "we'll use the helpful information in my book (which you should bring with you to every meeting or you can purchase it at the first meeting." :mad: So more and more of these groups are not real people just wanting to get together; it's people trying to sell you their books or life improvement method. Phooey. So it pays to read the description all the way through.
 
After I retired and moved to a rural location, I realized just how much of an introvert I was/am. My closest family members live about 150-175 miles away. There was a point where I wanted a relationship and I was fortunate to meet someone about a year and a half ago. We've talked about living together at some point in the future but something about it doesn't sit well with me. I love my home, my privacy and the ability to do whatever I want at any time of day or night. A few nights ago I was steam cleaning the floors at 11:00pm and I couldn't help but wonder if I would do the same if my S/O lived here.

For a number of reasons which I may elaborate on at some future point, I'm realizing that I might just be better off living on my own.
 
Leann said:
After I retired and moved to a rural location, I realized just how much of an introvert I was/am. My closest family members live about 150-175 miles away. There was a point where I wanted a relationship and I was fortunate to meet someone about a year and a half ago. We've talked about living together at some point in the future but something about it doesn't sit well with me. I love my home, my privacy and the ability to do whatever I want at any time of day or night. A few nights ago I was steam cleaning the floors at 11:00pm and I couldn't help but wonder if I would do the same if my S/O lived here.

For a number of reasons which I may elaborate on at some future point, I'm realizing that I might just be better off living on my own.
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I think, now, if a person has a S/O, IMO, the ideal situation would be not to actually live under the same roof.
This way, like you mentioned, you still have your own privacy, your own time, your own home…..but still have some companionship, when you choose to.
 
I remember when we had 5 kids in the house. A time when I was all alone in the house (back then) was very nice. But just yesterday, with my wife and grown daughter both away, it felt very lonely, even after only a few hours. I would have a hard time being alone I am quite sure.

Maybe find another "alone" person to share a daily phone call? I know my wife's uncle does this.
 
MarciKS said:
I am currently in a situation where I am walking a very lonely path. I'm not really so much bothered by it but sometimes it would be nice to have coffee and chat with someone for a bit once in a while. Since that's not likely to happen I will just pull up my coffee mug in whatever chat site or forum I can find to visit. Some of you here are super nice company to have.
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Was joking with my sisters that I’m almost ready to go find the migrant buses and look to see if there are any prospects among the group. 😂💥Would be like the tv show 90 Day Fiancé ( but migrant bus edition!) 😂😜
 
Where I live we have lots of meetup groups started by regular people. I have joined a hiking group and a dining group for single seniors. Even though many of my friends died in their 60’s I still have others and have made new friends too. I am a extrovert and definitely wouldn’t live rural or in a place where you either have to attend church to fit in or grew up there.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Where I live we have lots of meetup groups started by regular people. I have joined a hiking group and a dining group for single seniors. Even though many of my friends died in their 60’s I still have others and have made new friends too. I am a extrovert and definitely wouldn’t live rural or in a place where you either have to attend church to fit in or grew up there.
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I live in a medium sized city, so I can meet lots of people at social activities.

I have come to the conclusion that I just have to keep meeting new people. I think I may need to meet 100's maybe thousands of people to find ONE person I want to ask out or have as a real friend.

And I need to remember how lucky I actually am, in that I am not currently in a bad relationship.
 

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