The Cheeky Friendly Banter Thread!

Good morning folks.
I hope to cheer you up with this joke...;)

A Bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take
you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am
and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts.

There's no point in you coming in for that now then, is there?!"
ugly-man-laugh-smiley-emoticon.gif
 

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless breast?' Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.








​


​
 
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


j ​

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.




​


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



(you're going to love this)


​






"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"​



​
 
Thats a cracker Venus.
A cracker!

Now then...

OUCH!
So there boozercruiser was sitting with my computer the other day drafting my will.
I called out to my wife whose name is Chris...



"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, DARLING!"



SHE SHOUTED BACK TO ME...
"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"
evil-laugh-smiley-emoticon.gif




Charming!:D
​
 
And theirs more!
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK...
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT
WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES...
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"



​
0

0


BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE MUMMY!"
evil-laugh-smiley-emoticon.gif

​

 
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, surely i can't look that old.


Well . . .you'll love this one.






My name is alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist.






I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.






Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?






Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.






This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
old to have been my classmate.






After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park
high school.






'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.






When did you graduate?' i asked.






He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'






you were in my class!', i exclaimed.






He looked at me closely.






Then, that ugly,






old,






bald,






wrinkled faced,






fat-assed,






gray-haired,






decrepit






son-of-a-bitch






asked,








'what did you teach???
 
Nice one Shirley.
Thank you.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
wink_smile.png



Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are..
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. :D
 
Shirley said:
Funny!
Click to expand...

So why does that poor little Mushroom hate the game Shirley ?:D

Anyway.
Lets get really cheeky...

I was sent the below by a friend, and of course no offence is meant to Americans, Canadians, The Scots or anyone else ! :D


How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your trucheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!":D


​






​
​
 
Gosh Pappy.
I love that one!
toothless-chuckle-smiley-emoticon.gif


BUT...

I also love your signature there...

My wife ask me to pass the lip balm. I gave her crazy glue by mistake. She hasn't talked to me since.

Now then Pappy
I live in the UK.
Where do I buy Crazy Glue ?
evil-laugh-smiley-emoticon.gif
 
They certainly are Shalimar!:D

Now then...
What would YOU do?...

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?



Answer:


Act your age and get off the kids' merry-go-round !
laughing-happy-cat-smiley-emoticon.gif
 
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me..., ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top