The jokes only thread....

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AND NOW FOR "DUMMIES OF THE DAY":
9-1-1 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
 
A Blonde Lady failed the written Driving Test 4 times.
At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass:
But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 mph.
On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an Old Man
and a Young Man. What will you hit?
The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said. "I've answered this question
all four ways, Wall, Cliff's, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times. How is this possible?
What am I supposed to hit?"
The Examiner replied. "The Brakes!"
 
The Ex-wife
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks:
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time
you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says. "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!." She screams. "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
 
A lawyer is questioning a witness during a trial.
He says, "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replies, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
 
An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
This is what all of us 70 to 90+ year OLDs have to look forward to!!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time.
He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
 
So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails? " he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling! "
 
At the supermarket, I saw a woman wearing a white blouse. In big, black letters, it said on it: "Men are the worst liars."
I said to her, "You are absolutely gorgeous."
 

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