The jokes only thread....

Wife- Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
Husband- You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Wife- Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
Husband- You need plastic surgery.


And that my friends is how the fight started !
 

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confession booth, sits down, but doesn't say anything.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the guy just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds on the wall three times.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
 
A Priest is driving down the highway & gets stopped for speeding.
The officer smells alcohol on the Priest's breath & sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the Priest.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The Priest looks at the bottle & says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window & says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton. They're asking for 10 million dollars ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline & set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much have you collected, so far?"
"About a gallon."
 
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this. " He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny? " The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times. "
 
People who live in glass houses.........might as well answer the door.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory......You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot......but I always found them.

I am a man of my word......and that word is "unreliable".

I like to go into the body shop and yell......"I've already got one!"

Big families are like waterbed stores:.......They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird.

It's not that I am afraid to die......I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that is 40,000 pieces........When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests in a restaurant.......because the customer is always right.

The robe is a lazy man's.......tuxedo.

I found there is only one way to look thin:......hang out with fat people.

I'd hate to be a giraffe......with a sore throat.

When someone close to you dies......move seats.

If God had wanted us to fly......he would have given us tickets!

When you go to the mind reader......do you get half price?

How do you know when fish goes bad?......It smells like fish either way.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth......before it should be said.
 
Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!
Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.
Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
------------------------------------------------------

Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a Lawyer

-------------------------------------------------



Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women?
Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood,
the man is already there.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping....
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
Two men were walking down the street, one with a German Shepard and the other with a Dachshund. They passed a bar and the man with the German Shepard said, "Let's get a beer". The other man said, "They won't serve us with these dogs", and the man with the German Shepard said, "Watch this". He put on a pair of dark glasses and walked into the bar with his German Shepherd. The bartender said, "You can't be in here with a dog. Get out.", and the man with the German Shepherd said, "This is my seeing eye dog". The bartender said, "Well, okay then. What will you have?"

The man with the Dachshund saw this and thought, "Oh well. I'll give it a try" so he put on a pair of sun glasses and went into the bar with his Dachshund. Again the bartender said, "You can't bring a dog in here. Please get out". The man said, "but this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender looked at the dog and said, "but that is a Dachshund". The man said incredulously, "They gave me a Dachshund?!"
 

If men gave birth

The world would be under populated.
No family greater than one child.
As the labour was unendurable and unrepeatable.

If men gave birth
Tales of courage and suffering bravely borne
Would pale the faces of the uninitiated.
The Victoria Cross in the face of such fortitude, commonplace.

If men gave birth
In the clubs and pubs through out the land,
Stretch marks would be revealed and measured
To the admiring gaze of the cognoscenti.

If men gave birth
Eighteen years of paternity leave a right
Generous Allowances, benefits and tax breaks
To be expected by the paternal heroes.

If men gave birth
Who would raise the precious offspring?
The fathers worn out by being enceinte for nine months.
The answer is obvious, the answer is plain, WOMEN.
RJG
:D ​
 
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to adultery:
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said. "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said.
"I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
 
A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf.
They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them."
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
A married woman is cheating on her husband but she doesn’t know that her 6 yr-old son is hiding in the closet watching.
Suddenly the front door opens & the wife says: “Oh, no, my husband came home early; you better hide in the closet.” Just as the boyfriend closes the closet door, he hears a little voice next to him: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend sees the little boy next to him & says: “Shhhh...your father is out there & if he sees me, he’ll kill me.”
The kid says: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend says: “Look, I’ll give you $10.00, just be quiet.”
The kid says a little louder: “It’s dark in here.”
The boyfriend says: “Here’s $50.00, just be quiet.” The kid says “OK” & takes the money. Later, the boyfriend runs out the back door.
The next day, the father is about to go shopping & his kid says: “Daddy, I want to go with you.” At the store, the kid sees a bicycle he really wants & says: “Daddy, can I have that bicycle?”
The father says: “I’m sorry, son, it cost $50.00 & I can’t afford it, maybe we’ll get it for Christmas.
The kid takes the $50.00 out of his pocket & says: “Here’s $50.00, daddy; buy the bike.
The father says: “Where did you get that money?”
The kid says: “I can’t tell you.”
The father says: “You better tell me!”
The kid says: “No, I’ll never, ever tell you!”
The father takes the kid to a church next door & tells the priest: “I want to know where my son got $50.00.”
The priest takes the kid into the confession booth & slides the door shut,
The kid looks up at the priest & says: “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says: “Don’t you start that shit again!”
 
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.
 
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

The Mormon was seated next to the Irishman on a flight from London to
the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
Second Opinion!
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor seen me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?", and, with a bit of an attitude, he said, "and just how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION !! 😛
 
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could choose a husband from among many men. The store was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes with each higher floor.
There were only two rules:
1. Once a door was opened, the woman HAD to choose a man from that floor.
2. If a woman went up a floor, she couldn't go back down except to leave the store & never return.
A couple of women went to the store to find husbands.
On the first floor, the door had a sign that read: "These men have jobs & love kids."

After reading the sign, the women said, "Well, that's OK but I wonder what's further up."
Second Floor - The sign read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids & are extremely good looking." “Hmmmmm," said the ladies. "But I wonder what's further up."
Third Floor - The sign read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking & help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so up they went.
Fourth Floor - this door had a sign that read: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework & are very romantic."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried. "Just think what must be awaiting us on the next floor!!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth Floor - the sign on that door said: "This floor is empty & exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is on your left. Goodbye."
 
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”
 

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