The jokes only thread....

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
 

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him.
He's the one shaving you."
 
Groan..... There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "
 
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you.”, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest
to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up.”,
said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion?
After all I was a priest, went to church every day,
and preached God’s word.” * * *


“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept.
When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”
 
Can You Hear Me??????

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”
 
Heaven Joke

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
 
A woman and her husband interrupted their holiday to go to the dentist:
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Anesthetic because I'm in a big hurry.
" The woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman. " He said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said. "Show him your tooth, dear."......😛
 
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
 
Maybe this one has already been posted:

Sheriff: So, your report states that you arrested a cleaning woman for shooting a man who walked on her freshly mopped floor. Is that correct?

Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct.

Sheriff: The report also states that it took you 20 minutes before you arrested her. Is that correct?

Deputy: Yes, Sir, that is correct.

Sheriff: Well, just one question. Why did it take you 20 minutes to arrest her?

Deputy: Because the floor was still wet.
 
~ How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

~ How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

~How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

~What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

~ What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

~What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

~ What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

~ What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko..

~What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..

~ What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

~Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

~ Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

~ What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

~ Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

~ How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
 
My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,



'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'



We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR



'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'



I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I dont have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, "pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
 
Pappy said:
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]1. Two guys were discussing current trends on sex, marriage and family values.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife till after we were married, did you ?[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Jim replied, "I'm not sure what was her maiden name ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]2. A very bright little boy ask his mother, "mom were did my intelligence come from ?[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]His mother replied, "you must have gotten it from your father, I still have mine."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]3. "Mr. Clark I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce judge said, " and I have decided to give your wife $800.00 per week."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"that's very kind of you Your Honor", replied Mr. Clark, "I'll try and send her a few bucks also."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]4. A doctor examining a man that had been rushed to the emergency room called the wife aside and said, "ma'am I'm sorry but I don't like the looks of your husband".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The wife replied, "me either but he's a good provider and great with our children".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long it will take to fly from New York to Dallas ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The busy ticket agent replies, "just a minute."[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The blonde says, "thank you" and hangs up.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of Juan Gonzalez.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"How do you think he was killed ?", asks one detective.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]The other detective replies, "with a golf gun".[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"A golf gun, what on earth is a golf gun ?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"I'm not sure but it sure made a hole in Juan".[/FONT][/FONT]
Click to expand...
Number 4, is my mother test her soul.
 
Memorial stone!

Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats!"
1f61b.png
 
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the effing potatoes!"

(cleaned up a bit!)
 
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "
 
Pappy said:
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "
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