The jokes only thread....

Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits into his coffee. The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
"Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches
I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…
“I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.
It Worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies,
“Well, that is wonderful.” His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t
been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything
for that?” The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment,
The husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and
carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later
and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!” The husband says,
“Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back Into the bathroom,
comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
“Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s not my wife"
*
*
*
*


His funeral services will be held on Friday.
 
Hunk_Toni.jpg
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.’
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
 

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom.
 
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra,
her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME!
For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
 
Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either! "
 
Pappy said:
Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
Click to expand...
Oh My! /-; (I hope this is not a mental picture that will stick in my head!)
 
A Chinese saw Steven Spielberg in hotel Ambassador, as he was a fan of Steven,
he asked for his autograph.
Instead, Steven gave a slap and said, “you bombed our Pearl Harbor.”
Heart broken, the Chinese said, “it was the Japanese, not us.”
Steven said, “Japanese, Chinese, Bhutanese, your all the same.”
Angry, the Chinese slapped Steven and said, “You sank the Titanic,
my fore fathers were in the ship.”
Surprised, Steven replied, “It was not me, it was the iceberg.”
The Chinese said, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, your all the same.”
 
8 things you’ll never hear a man say:

8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you’ll never hear a woman say:

8) What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’.
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to
get there.
2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1) Don't dirty your T-shirt wiping that up. Use my blouse
 
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes

Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three

Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip

Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose

Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No.

Husband: Where is your airplane?
 
A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in

a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
 
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,… Where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch… You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,.. But you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband… On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord. She then goes to the second floor,… The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. She thinks for a while, and then goes to the third floor,… The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay,… But she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Floor 6 – You are visitor no. 43,630,912 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! Source: https://www.mr-funny.com Source: https://www.mr-funny.com
 
Pappy said:
A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in

a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Click to expand...
tenor (1).gif
 
A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box.
At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"
This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."
 
A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.
Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.
Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.
The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”
He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”
The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”
He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”
The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”
The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”
She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.
After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”



The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”
 
Time for a easter joke



So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.



I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.



I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "



Then it hits me, I can fix this.



I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.



As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !



He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.



The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"



I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.



I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
 
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
Subject: It's Canadian classic folk!!!!!

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the f------ SALT TRUCK......."
smile.gif
 


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