The jokes only thread....

Todd and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Todd's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Todd's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Todd's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in Todd's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Todd says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
 

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.



"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.



"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."



"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."



Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.



At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.



"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"



Olaf just waves and walks off.



"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"



She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
 
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young
lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner
dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV then her
doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at
her and gasped, “I’m two hours late… and you’re still not ready!?”
 
A little girl was asking her teacher.
Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”
The teacher fainted.
 
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
 
"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks.
It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared.
They take her into the living room, get out several other books,
and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction,
affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile
contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says.
"Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
 
The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'
 
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass.
Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week,
John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!”
he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows!
He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste
 
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car
and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help?
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in the car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, Sure.
"He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God,
for sending me such a very nice man."
The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
 
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed,
"Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really don’t like guns.
How about leaving me your ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an lissin.
Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife,
lotsa money, a biga home, and maybe a couple of bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna
comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda
you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?"
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms.
Brooks, he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief.....


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open...

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself ..."
 

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