The jokes only thread....

If you think the world went crazy over toilet paper... Wait to see what happens when 300 million people want a haircut...

Commercials in 2030 will be like: Were YOU or someone you know overly exposed to Hand Sanitizer, Lysol, Bleech during the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic? If so you may be eligible for compensation...

This quarantine has made me realize I have no hobbies besides going out to eat and spending

Gonna ask my Grandpa if that offer of knocking me into next year is still on the table...

Found $20 in the park... Asked myself what Jesus would do... So I turned it into wine...
 

A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.
She jumps up & slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
“Get away from me, you drunken slob,” she yells.
“Wow,” he says. “You even sound like her.”
 

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy
with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading
this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that
I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity
to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a
math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference -
18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..
 
The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'
 
1B31F0D4-D094-4CAC-976C-383B49EB9475.jpeg
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
What's bothering you so, dear? inquired Farther O'Grady.
Oh, father, I've got terrible news. Replied Mary.
Well what is it, Mary? Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.
Oh, Mary said the father, that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?
Well, yes he did father, replied Mary.
What did he ask, Mary?
Mary replied, He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'
 
A lawyer’s name was Strange. When he died his friend asked the tombstone
maker to write, “Here lies Strange, an honest person, and a lawyer.”
The tombstone maker warned that this statement can be very confusing,
as anyone who passes by grave would think that three men were buried
in a single grave. However, he suggested another statement,
“Here lies a person who was not only honest but also a good lawyer."
This way, whenever people walk by his grave and read it, they will say, “That’s strange!”
 
The Following is sad, but TRUE!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls
into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's
shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack
hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called
in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark
shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they
arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
expelled even though Johnny started it and Mark was just defending himself.


Scenario 3:


Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts
other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and
given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still
and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He
becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his
Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up
normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is
told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
school

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal
out on the smoking dock.

2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled
from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English
and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core
curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the
Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all
called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his
parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers
are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes
on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator
and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.
 
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 
oldman said:
The Following is sad, but TRUE!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls
into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's
shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack
hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called
in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark
shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they
arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
expelled even though Johnny started it and Mark was just defending himself.


Scenario 3:


Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts
other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and
given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still
and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He
becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his
Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up
normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is
told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to
school

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal
out on the smoking dock.

2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled
from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English
and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core
curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the
Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all
called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his
parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers
are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes
on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator
and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.
Click to expand...
 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a Rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...

”Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
 
A Failure to Communicate
A father shows up at his daughter’s home
and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. “I texted my wife that I was coming
home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when
I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy!
I’m leaving!” “Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law.
“There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened
” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple
explanation, and there is,” he says.

“She never got your text.”
 
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
-
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
-
Patient: What condition?
***************************************

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”
**************************************************

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember the strengthening
solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
*******************************************************************

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.“
 
What would YOU DO? A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude alsoThe husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".
"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".
"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat..
"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."
"HE paid for our house at the lake."
"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."
"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."
"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 

A Middle aged couple needed a new home.
They finally built Their dream home,
but the contractor had a concern:
the placement of an atrium window
for the walk-in shower.
"I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view
of you au naturel," he said.
The middle-aged wife put him at ease.

"Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."
 
29597622_10155513745877914_3858411148839294226_n.jpg

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE
 
It must have been a blonde!!
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural- born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?
 
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