The jokes only thread....

Hellfire and damnation, Pappy- there's barely enough hell to go around...
We need to conserve the hell words..
 

Suzy Lee done fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all, she told her pappy so.


Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you’ll have to find another. I’d just as soon yo maw don’t know, but Joe is yo half-brother.


So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling pappy this he said "There’s trouble still".


You can’t marry Will, my gal, and please don’t tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother"


But Mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain’t no kin to pappy!"
 

One Way To Save Money
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset
you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can
do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married
for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened
suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you
to try to convince me out of it.” “OK” the son responded “but promise
me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person,
and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright”
said the father hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty,
turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have
to pay for the tickets.”
 
A minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendants started taking orders for drinks.
The hillbilly asked for a whiskey & soda which was brought & placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust: "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant & said, "Hell, me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
 
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed.

As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: "It's midnight. What have you been doing all night? Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!"

Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower.

His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him.

While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news.
When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
 
There was an elderly lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no God. I bought those groceries!"
The lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
 
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."


URL: https://able2know.org/topic/84440-1
 
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says,

“Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”

“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”
 
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government,
so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents
what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way:
I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work
force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.
”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle
of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying.
He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had
taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help.
When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check
if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring,
but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! Congress is fast asleep,nobody cares about the people and The President is screwing the work force people, and the future is full of sh*t!”
 
Pappy said:
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."


URL: https://able2know.org/topic/84440-1
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🙄
 
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
 
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.



Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'



They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.



After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!



'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'



'No,' she replies. .. ....



(get ready)



'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
 
Mister E said:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
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tenor.gif
 
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